4d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  Julian looked at Ravenus. “You’ll be taking most of the risk. What do you think about my idea?”

  “Positively brilliant, sir. I’m honored to be a part of it.”

  Tim took hold of the rope still hanging from the tree branch. “I, for one, would like to see this brilliant plan play out.” He started climbing.

  “I’m with you,” said Cooper. He was tall enough to jump up and grab the first branch without the rope.

  Julian struggled up after him, and Dave needed to be pulled up. But soon enough, they were all in the tree, Cooper and Dave cringing at their first view of the wrinkled blue women.

  Once Ravenus had taken his place on a branch of a tree near the edge of the clearing, Julian whispered down to his magical horse. “Go!”

  The horse walked casually toward the clearing. Julian lost sight of it through the trees for a full minute. Thinking it had wandered off course, he felt a sense of relief at the thought of having to call off the mission. They’d have to think of another plan. Hopefully one that didn’t involve Ravenus going in alone.

  His anxiety was doubled when the horse suddenly reappeared exactly where it was supposed to be, much too close to the clearing for him to do anything about it.

  As he’d expected, the two crones looked curiously at it when it came into the clearing. They hobbled slowly toward it with the support of the same sticks they’d been using to stir the cauldron.

  Julian nodded at Ravenus, who then made his move.

  The giant woman grinned as Ravenus landed on the branch her arms were tied to. Just as he started clawing his way through, she grabbed him.

  SQUAAWWWK!

  “Ravenus!” Julian cried.

  An equine scream rang out. When Julian looked at his horse, the old women had sunk their nails into its flesh. They both grinned in Julian’s direction as the horse vanished into a whiff of magical energy.

  “Shit!” said Dave as he fell backward off his branch.

  Julian was no less unnerved by their horrible faces, but he’d been hugging the trunk. He looked for Ravenus again. The giant woman held his wings against his body. Her hands were turning blue and growing long black fingernails. Her back hunched over as her hair darkened and her skin turned wrinkly and blue.

  Tim and Cooper were on the ground by the time the transformation was complete. Julian looked down at them.

  “It was a trap. The giant is one of them.”

  “I called that shit,” said Dave. His face was bruised and bleeding. He’d apparently hit a few branches on the way down. Julian was sure he should feel good about that, but Ravenus’s confinement and terror were overriding any of his own feelings.

  When Julian looked again, the old woman holding Ravenus squatted on the ground. A cloud of green vapor began seeping out from under her ragged, filthy skirt. It soon obscured both of them from view, and Julian felt a new sensation.

  His stomach turned as he breathed short shallow breaths. There was no point in trying to contain it. Lunch was coming back up. Still clinging to the trunk of the tree, he doubled over and vomit spewed from his throat like an exploding can of equal parts peas and botulism.

  “Goddammit,” said Dave, just after the splat.

  Julian actually felt a little bit of relief fighting through Ravenus’s terror. He hoped that his puking on Dave was giving his familiar at least a little comfort.

  Getting down from the tree proved challenging, as Julian’s stomach felt like it was spinning in a random orbit around his body. When he made it to the lowest branch, he let himself drop to the ground. It might have hurt if his nausea hadn’t been distracting him. He picked himself up and began stumbling toward the green smoke, now seeping out of the clearing between the trees.

  “Julian!” said Tim. “Stop, wait!”

  Julian paused only long enough to throw up one more time and give the finger to whomever wasn’t coming with him.

  Once he was engulfed in the green fog, he was completely blind and even more nauseous. He felt his way from tree to tree, his eyes stinging, and his insides threatening to abandon his body entirely. It was as though he were trapped inside a bag of old rotten eggs.

  He choked and gagged as he made his way farther into the clearing. He wanted to call out Ravenus’s name, but he was having enough trouble simply breathing. A particularly heavy fit of coughing sent blood rushing to his head until the green fog faded into black.

  Julian didn’t think he could have been out for more than a second, but when he came to, the air was clear. He could breathe and see. But he couldn’t move.

  If Tim, Cooper, and Dave were any indication as to why he couldn’t move, it was because he, like them, was bound from the shoulders down in a tight coil of rope. They were sitting up against a stack of firewood. Julian was facing them. From the ache in his back, he guessed he was leaning against the stump of the tree which had provided said firewood.

  Julian looked down to confirm that he was, indeed, completely swaddled in rope. The four of them sat helpless in hemp cocoons. Even Ravenus hung upside down from a branch, coiled down to his neck in twine. To make matters worse, Julian could feel the rope against the skin of his right foot. His boot was still missing.

  “You followed me,” said Julian. “Whatever happens, I want you to know I appreciate that.”

  Dave frowned through his vomit-crusted beard. “That really makes it worth it.”

  “Where are the old ladies?”

  Cooper looked past Julian. “They all went into the side of the mound. They’ve been in there a while.”

  Tim was the only one of them who had a high enough Dexterity score, and enough ranks in the Escape Artist and Rope Use skills to have a prayer of getting out of his bindings, but he was also the only one who was still asleep.

  “Dave,” said Julian. “See if you can wake up Tim.”

  Dave, being a dwarf, wasn’t especially lithe to begin with. With his body coiled in rope as tightly as it was, it was a wonder he could manage to squirm at all. But with all their lives on the line, he shifted his broad torso around until he was facing Tim. “Tim,” he whispered. “Tim! Tim!”

  Tim’s only response was a chunky tendril of drool.

  “Tim!” Dave repeated, leaning over to nudge him with his head. “Tim!” He leaned too far, falling over and planting his face in Tim’s lap.

  Cooper snorted. Dave and Tim looked like a fat maggot going down on a skinny maggot.

  Undignified as they may have looked, Dave had at least succeeded in waking Tim up.

  “Dave?” said Tim. His eyes widened like Dave’s head was made out of bees. “Dave! What the fuck, man?” And with that, all hope of a quiet escape was lost.

  To Tim’s credit, he had just woken up, and Dave’s peculiar and untimely decision to grunt and thrust his face against Tim’s crotch only added to the ambiguity of the situation.

  Dave discontinued his head thrusting and sighed. “Sorry, man. My nose itched like a sonofabitch.”

  “I see our guests have awakened,” croaked a haggish voice from behind Julian. Tim and Cooper looked scared shitless. Dave glanced up, then quickly shoved his face back into Tim’s crotch.

  Julian fell backward trying to get a better view. Three giant blue women stared down at him. Up close, they were even bigger and more horrible. Their faces were a mass of sagging, wart-riddled wrinkles. Their filthy black hair was so infested with roaches and centipedes that it moved like stormy seas atop their heads. They grinned down at Julian and his helpless friends through chipped yellow teeth. But their eyes were worse than anything. Orbs of bulging red capillaries surrounding solid black irises. Maybe not the worst thing. It was a toss-up between the eyes, the hair, and the skin. All of it was the worst thing.

  “Are you hags?” asked Tim.

  Julian turned his head to glare at him.

  Tim stuck his tongue out at Julian. It was a poor substitute for the middle finger he no-doubt would have offered instead if he could move his arms. “That’s what they�
��re called in the Monster Manual.”

  “Aye,” said the woman in the middle. “We are Annis.”

  Cooper tried to hold his breath, but giggles and snot bubbled out through his nose.

  “She said Annis,” said Dave. “It’s a type of hag.”

  This conversation was only going to lead to bad places if Julian didn’t intervene. He flipped his head over and blurted out the first thing he could think of. “My name’s Julian. What’s yours?”

  “My name is Annie.”

  Diplomacy was working well so far. In spite of the balance of power weighing heavily in the hags’ favor, she was willing to engage in a civil conversation.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Annie the Annis.”

  Julian may as well have called her Biggus Dickus for how his friends reacted. He should have expected laughter from Cooper and Tim. For being a decade older than he was, they were about as mature as Tim looked. But Dave was a humorless fun-sponge at the best of times. He turned his head back to Dave and attempted a ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’ look with his eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” said Dave. “We knew a girl in high school who had a... similar nickname.”

  Julian turned back to the annis. “Listen. Maybe I can’t make much of a case for why they don’t deserve to die. But Ravenus and I are good people.”

  “No one need die this day,” said Annie. “Death is but one of your options.”

  “Oh,” said Julian. “Options are nice. What’s Option B?”

  Annie grinned at her two silent companions, then at Julian. “One of you must give me your seed.”

  All residual chuckles from his friends stopped abruptly.

  Julian held on to a flicker of doubtful hope that she might have mistaken them for wandering farmers. “I think we might have, like, half of an apple. You’re welcome to whatever seeds you can –”

  “The seed of your loins!” said Annie. “I wish to bear a child before I’m too old to do so.”

  “Surely, you’ve got plenty of time,” Julian lied. Her face looked like Yoda’s scrotum.

  “Excuse me,” said Tim. “Sorry to interrupt. We’re really flattered and all. But is there, by any chance, an Option C?” It wasn’t a polite question, but considering that Options A and B involved death and arguably worse, Julian supposed there was little point in trying too hard not to offend.

  “Excuse us,” said Annie. She and her companions stepped away and huddled together. Julian caught pieces of their conversation.

  “We can’t. We’ll lose them all.”

  “They came for the bird once. They’ll come back for it again.”

  “If the others were smart, they’d knock the elf unconscious and escape.”

  “I don’t think the others are smart.”

  “What if they’re killed by girallons? Then we all have to share one bird.”

  “We’ll give them the eye.”

  “Hmm...”

  That last suggestion seemed to satisfy the three of them, leading Julian to suspect that ‘the eye’ was more than just a stern look and a warning to not be killed by girallons, whatever the hell they were.

  The three hags approached Julian and his friends.

  “There is a third option,” said Annie.

  Tim, Cooper, and Dave exhaled.

  “What is it?” asked Julian, more cautious than relieved.

  “You must travel deep into the forest and find the Amulet of Mighty Fists. It was worn by a monk whom we have reason to believe perished in this very forest not long ago.”

  “Awesome!” said Dave. “We’ll take Option C.”

  “Whoa,” said Julian. “Hold on just a minute. Let’s not rush into anything.”

  “I assure you I’ve taken all the time I need to think this through.”

  “Just shut up for a second.” Julian flipped his head toward the hags. “Would it be possible for my friends and I to discuss this amongst ourselves?”

  Annie nodded. “Very well.” She twitched her long fingernails, and one of her companions produced a dagger from beneath her rags.

  “That’s my dagger,” said Tim, as if petty theft was currently his biggest concern.

  The annis with the dagger sliced the rope near Julian’s ankles, giving his feet some room to wiggle. She did likewise with Tim, Cooper, and Dave.

  They could have hurried the process along by cutting the ropes near their hands as well, but chose not to. It was either some kind of psychological game they were playing at, or they just found it entertaining to watch their captives wiggle, squirm, and roll in the dirt.

  Tim was the first one free of his bindings, which accelerated the process as he helped to free up Cooper and the two of them went on to assist Dave and Julian. Ravenus still hung upside down from the tree branch. He was awake, but remained quiet.

  Julian knew better than to request his familiar be allowed to join in the conversation. His seed wouldn’t be of any use to the annis, and he would be their hostage if Julian and his friends chose Option C.

  They huddled on the other side of the tree from where the annis remained.

  “What are girallons?” asked Julian.

  “They’re like gorillas,” said Dave. “But with two extra arms.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “That’s so stupid. You can’t just throw a couple of extra limbs onto an existing animal and call it a monster.”

  Tim cleared his throat. “Were you going somewhere with this? Why are we talking about girallons?”

  “The annis said there were girallons in the woods.”

  “I didn’t hear them say that,” said Cooper.

  Julian pointed to the pointed tip of his left ear.

  Cooper nodded. “Sweet.”

  Julian looked at Dave. “Are we strong enough to fight them?”

  “Who?”

  “Jesus Christ, Dave! Pay attention. The girallons.”

  “You could have been talking about the annis.”

  “I know we can’t fight them. They incapacitated all of us with an old lady fart.”

  Dave stroked his beard. “I don’t know. I don’t remember what the Challenge Rating is for a girallon.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” said Tim. “Even if we could take down a few of them, there’s no telling how long we’d have to wander around in the woods on a wild goose chase for a magical item which may or may not even exist. Option C, in all likelihood, amounts to the same as Option A.”

  Cooer pulled his finger out of his nose. “I forgot. What was Option A?”

  “Death.”

  “Shit. That’s no good.”

  “The only option still on the table isn’t much better,” said Tim. “One of us is going to have to probe that annis.”

  Everyone took a moment to cringe and shudder before Dave asked the obvious question.

  “How do we choose who does it?”

  “I vote Dave,” said Cooper. “His first time should be memorable.”

  Dave gave him the finger. “Tough shit, Cooper. We can’t vote now, because you just tainted the process.”

  Tim rubbed his chin. “Interesting. How do you figure?”

  “By declaring his own vote early, he ensured that both you and Julian would also vote for me. Not because you’re an asshole like Cooper, but because you want to save your own asses, and that would guarantee you an automatic majority.”

  Tim sighed. “Dave killed democracy. Any other ideas?”

  The obvious answer was Julian, seeing as how it was his familiar who was keeping them all from just running away. He wondered why no one had brought that fact up.

  Cooper was a loyal friend, and was probably still hoping Dave would have to do it. Dave had a high Wisdom score, and was possibly weighing the long-term repercussions of throwing Julian under the bus. But Tim’s motivation for keeping quiet was still a mystery. Perhaps it had something to do with why he was squatting down and playing with grass.

  Tim stood to
his full three-foot height. “We’ll draw straws.” He cupped his hands together and made the tips of four blades of grass sprout from between his thumb and index finger. He raised his arms and offered Dave the first choice.

  Dave licked his lips and wiped his right hand over the leopard fur on his left arm, either to remove sweat or for some new luck ritual. He placed his fingers on one blade of grass, then switched to a different one, keeping his eyes on Tim’s. Tim raised his eyebrows and gave him a weak smile. Dave grunted, then pulled one of the blades he hadn’t yet touched. Without knowing the length of the straws, it was impossible to tell if Dave was holding the short straw, or one of the long ones.

  Next was Julian’s turn. He didn’t trust Tim any more than Dave did, knowing Tim had a high Intelligence score, a bunch of ranks in the Sleight of Hand skill, and a sense of ethical responsibility as small as his little halfling dick. Julian kept his hands at his side while he chose a blade of grass in his mind. When he’d made his choice, he plucked it out of Tim’s hand like a striking cobra.

  Dave sighed with relief. His blade and Julian’s were approximately the same length.

  “Down to you and me, buddy.” Tim offered his hands up to Cooper.

  Cooper frowned down at Tim’s tiny hands, then placed two giant fingers on either side of one of the two remaining grass blades.

  Tim’s gaze darted back and forth between Cooper’s eyes and fingers. He swallowed hard. His relieved sigh when Cooper pulled the blade from his hand confirmed Julian’s suspicion that Tim wasn’t leaving this contest entirely up to chance.

  Cooper’s straw was half the length of Julian’s and Dave’s. Tim pulled the final blade, then wiped his hand on his pants. Julian watched half a grass blade flutter from Tim’s hand to the ground. Though it was exactly what he’d expected to see, he told himself it didn’t prove anything.

  “Tough luck, Coop,” said Dave. “Have fun probing the annis.”

  Cooper sighed. “It’s a step up from your mom.” He started back toward the tree. “Might as well get this over with.”

  Julian followed along behind, feeling a mixture of guilt and relief.

  “Have you come to a decision?” asked Annie. Her two subordinate hags rubbed their fingernails together in anticipation. They sounded like tarnished silverware.