“Felicia, are you okay?” Brody asked gently. When I didn’t answer, he shook me. “Felicia? Tell me you’re okay.”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure what reaction I’m supposed to have.”
“Remember, the Justice card. Maybe he thought this would make you happy.”
“It makes me scared, not happy.” I sat back, rubbing my temples. I could feel a crippling headache coming on. “He wants me to go back to Earth. He wants a great-grandchild. He’s planning tea parties with Alexei and the Consortium. What the hell? It’s going to change everything. It’s going to change every part of my life.”
“Nothing needs to change,” he murmured, an arm going around my shoulder. I could feel the calluses on his palm as he rubbed gently. I had the oddest thought in the middle of all this chaos—that I didn’t recall his hands ever being this rough. “You tell him thanks but no thanks. Not interested.”
“I can’t do that. He’s the Under-Secretary. He’s my grandfather. It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. If he wants to see you, you make the rules. Take what you want. Throw the rest back,” he said, pulling me into his chest, his voice going quiet as he rubbed small circles into my skin.
I let him, relaxing under his fingers and letting him soothe me. The feeling was as familiar as looking at the back of Granny G’s Tarot cards and the spinning hypnotic void. Well, not exactly. Something about his touch had changed. I picked up his hand on my shoulder, examining it and running my fingers over the roughened skin. It looked like he’d done hard labor, though I couldn’t imagine what. Any work that physically demanding would typically be done by drones, guided by AI units. You didn’t get hands like that riding the CN-net, running a consulting company.
“What happened to your hands?” I asked, still running my own over his. “What have you been doing the past few years? Digging ditches?”
“A little of this, some of that. You’d be surprised what you have to do to survive sometimes.”
He sounded sad then. It reminded me of Vieira and the despairing look on his face when I left. It upset me to think I could be responsible for making anyone that sad. I laced my fingers through Brody’s, holding our hands up together and noting how much larger his was than mine.
“What kind of things did you have to do? What were you trying to survive?” I wanted to know, still looking at our joined hands.
“Someday I’ll tell you about it. Just not right now.”
“Okay.” I unlaced our fingers and looked at his palm again. “These will go away eventually. Why don’t you use a skin renewal patch and speed up the process?”
“Because I don’t want to forget the reason why I have them or where they came from.” The words were said close to my ear.
“Doesn’t sound like it’s a pleasant story,” I guessed.
He slid his fingers back through mine. “It isn’t, but it doesn’t seem important right now.”
“I’m sorry anything bad ever happened to you. I’d always hoped that wherever you ended up after you left Earth, you’d at least be happy. But I can see that probably wasn’t the case.”
I’d settled in against him, lulled by the gentleness in his voice and something as innocent as studying the palm of his hand. His scent enveloped me, and it suddenly threw me back in time. Funny how scent could do that, triggering memories I thought I’d forgotten. He smelled like whatever soap he’d used and something that was unique to him I couldn’t even name but had grown to love. Something elusive I’d catch whenever we lay naked together, after we’d made love. Alexei wasn’t like this. He wore a subtle cologne whose smell I’d come to associate with him—dark, decadent, and so sinfully good, I had to have him whatever the cost. Brody’s scent was uncomplicated, simple, and so achingly familiar, it had me turning in toward him so I could smell more.
As I turned, my eyes seemed to be even with his mouth, my forehead on his cheek. He’d gone very still and his breathing was shallow as I rested against him, looking at his lips.
“Felicia, tell me what you want. Tell me what you need me to be and I’ll be it,” he said quietly.
“I don’t know what I want,” I answered, just as softly. “Why did you have to come back and make this complicated?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, though he didn’t sound sorry. His head lowered an inch. “Just tell me you’re glad I’m here. At least say you wanted to see me again.”
I felt the light scratching of stubble along his jaw and my nose brushed against his. “I am. I did. You know, I really did want to go with you to Mars back then, but I couldn’t.”
“I know. Maybe that’s why it feels like we never really let each other go.”
We hovered there, skirting the edge, lips close but not touching, breathing each other’s breath. My hand rose up to brush against his chest, not sure what it was supposed to be doing—pushing him away or reaching up to bring him in closer. Uncertain, I rested it there and felt his heart beating wildly under my hand.
“Do you ever wish for something so badly, it consumes your every thought, and when you’re finally lucky enough to get it, you’re not sure what to do with it?” he asked, his lips brushing my skin with every other word. I shook my head, not sure how to answer. “Because that’s what this feels like. You’re here and now I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do. All I know for certain is I don’t want to ruin this moment.”
“Do you think you will?”
“I know I will, so whatever you want from me, I’m leaving it up to you.”
What did I want from him? I had no idea, but I was curious enough to find out. So I plunged in for both of us and kissed him.
Slowly, carefully, our lips brushed. It was so tentative, it was like we each thought the other person would break. Or rather, the kind of kiss you might give if you weren’t sure what you were doing or if the one you were kissing even wanted it in the first place. But it only took a moment for my body to remember what it was supposed to do and how it used to move with his. Only a second before I pressed into him. My hand slid up his chest and over his shoulder until my fingers rested lightly along the back of his neck.
It was as if I’d finally given Brody the sign he’d been waiting for. Instantly the kiss deepened. His mouth descended swiftly on mine, opening my lips with his tongue in a kiss that suddenly felt as familiar as it did wrong. It was like I could actually taste the pent-up desire and fierce longing he’d carried with him all this time. Everything spoke to how much he wanted me, how badly he’d wanted to do this from the first moment he saw me. I could sense it in how he held me, how his mouth slanted over mine, and the force in his lips, the glide of his tongue. He wanted this so desperately, he no longer cared who knew, who saw, or what it might do to the rest of his life.
The kiss made me remember how much I’d once wanted this, wanted him. How I’d spent hours kissing him until my lips were swollen and raw. He would kiss me dizzy and breathless while his hands did things that left me aching for him. Things Alexei could do as well, but Alexei swallowed me whole, consuming and commanding until I ecstatically went where he demanded. With Brody, it was never about one person dominating another. There was always laughter, fun, and an openness between us where I never had to worry I might say or do the wrong thing. I could do or be anything I wanted, and he’d be right there at my side, willing to give it a try.
I could feel myself weakening and sinking into him. My head tipped back against the seat, and my tongue stroked his. It was enough for him to groan into my mouth, to slide his hands over me until I felt the brush of his fingertips against my breast. At the touch, my nipples instantly contracted. I could feel a restlessness stirring in my gut as his hand drifted to my thigh, then to the hem of my dress, then under it. It was like my body already knew what was about to happen and couldn’t wait to make itself ready for him. The only thing it wanted was for us to hurry up and get to where we needed to be because it would feel so good when we did.
No. This was not ha
ppening! I pulled away, pushing hard against Brody’s chest. The moment I did, his grip loosened, and I broke free. I slid as far away as the air-hack seat would allow, my back pressed to the door. Gods, what was I doing? What the hell was I even thinking?
“I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. This was a mistake,” I blurted.
The disappointment on his face stabbed straight at my heart. “You know that isn’t true. We both wanted this. The only mistake was when I left you in Nairobi without looking back. When I discovered you were here on Mars, I knew this was the universe letting us have a second chance.”
The words so closely mirrored the feeling in my gut, it was terrifying. “This isn’t a second chance. This is me being stupid and confused. I couldn’t commit to you the way you wanted then, and I can’t now.”
“You know he’ll never make you happy. He can’t give you what you want. I can.”
“How do you even know what I want anymore? It’s been four years. I’m not the same person.”
“Some things don’t change, Felicia. You think they do, but they don’t. Alexei isn’t right for you, and if you opened your eyes, you’d see that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? That I can’t handle Alexei or put up with the Consortium’s demands?”
“You said it yourself: Something is missing in your life. A family. A baby. Someone who cares enough to put you first before everything, or where you’ll never have to worry about what sort of bullshit he’s involved in or where he’s been. I can give you that. You know I can.”
This was crazy! I shouldn’t even be listening to him. But was he right? Could he give me those things? Suddenly, I could picture us together in a way I couldn’t with Alexei. Even after almost six months together and the Tarot at my disposal, I still had trouble imagining what a future with him might be like. Yet with Brody, I could practically see it stretching out in front of me, and it would be nice. In fact, it would probably be damn near perfect. Knowing that potential existed in a place I wasn’t even looking was as scary as hell.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. I love Alexei and you need to forget this ever happened.” I said it as much to convince myself as to convince him.
“I can’t.” His slid across the seat, closing in on me. “Admit you never once wondered what we could have been, and I’ll go away and never look back.”
I couldn’t, because I had wondered. Once, I’d wondered about it more than was probably good for me—not that I could tell him that. Not now, like this.
He seemed to take my silence for the assent it was. He slid across the seat and closed the distance between us.
“Felicia, I’ve been dying for you all this time. Nothing and no one compares to you. If you didn’t feel anything for me, we wouldn’t be here like this. You would have confided to Alexei about Vieira, not me. If he was really the one you thought could give you everything, you wouldn’t so much as look in my direction. But you did, and all I can do is hope this means something to you.” He reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “Tell me this means something.”
Suddenly I felt doubly trapped. By my new grandfather. By my old boyfriend. By all these doors opening up that weren’t supposed to exist because my life was with Alexei. Because I loved him. Didn’t I? Didn’t I love him?
When I said nothing, he asked, “What does your gut tell you?”
And there came the shot of reality I needed. Brody knew about my gut feelings but not the luck gene. Not even I had known about it back then. Right now, my gut urged me in Brody’s direction with the same fierce intensity I’d once felt pushing me toward Alexei. It was doing the thing I’d once confessed to Alexei I’d been afraid might happen—that I would turn away from what I thought I wanted most because something better had come along. Simple question: How could I trust a feeling like that? Simple answer: I couldn’t.
I banged on the autopilot override panel, accessing the air-hack through the CN-net interface. “We’re stopping here!” I yelled into the microphone. “Pull over now!”
The air-hack dropped curbside, the descent rapid enough to turn my stomach. I tore open the door before we’d fully landed, stumbling when I jumped out.
“Felicia, stop!” Brody yelled, following me. “Do you even know where the hell you are?”
“Don’t come near me, Brody. Don’t touch me or kiss me, or do whatever else you’re thinking. We are over and we’re staying over.”
He looked at me, standing half a dozen steps away from the air-hack, his hands curled into fists at his sides. “It’s not safe here. Get back in the air-hack.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
Brody let out a breath, angry and clearly frustrated. He gave me a wide berth, circling me until I now stood between him and the air-hack.
“Then you go and I’ll make my own way back. I’m not leaving you out here alone. I’ve already paid for the air-hack. It’ll take you wherever you want.”
I shot him a hard look, mad at him, myself, and this whole sordid chain of events. “I’m going home.”
“And when you get there, what will you tell Alexei?” he asked. “Will you tell him we kissed and how much you wanted it?”
I said nothing, merely got into the air-hack and slammed the door behind me. I gave the autopilot Alexei’s address and didn’t bother looking back. I couldn’t because that would be admitting Brody was right.
Besides, there was nothing to tell. If my chain-breaker security detail reported back the way I suspected they did, Alexei already knew.
Chapter Thirteen
I ended up going back to my shop instead. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to go home. I needed to calm down and regroup before I faced Alexei. If I showed up distraught and overwrought like some weepy Old World heroine suffering the vapors, gods only knew how he would react.
Though it wasn’t technically closing time, Lotus had closed up shop, obviously deciding to give herself the rest of the sol off. Frankly, I didn’t blame her. Who would, given how unreliable I’d become—taking a week off without notifying anyone, closing the shop in the middle of the afternoon, rescheduling appointments multiple times. What did it say about the state of things if Lotus was suddenly the responsible one? If I got any flakier, I’d qualify as a breakfast pastry.
I let myself in and went to my reading room, locking the door and turning the lighting on to its lowest setting—just enough so I wasn’t sitting in the dark. I think I was stunned by the entire chain of events. How had my life had gone so sideways in such a short amount of time? How had I not seen this coming? When I felt my c-tex flutter on my wrist with a shim, I was tempted to ignore it. Gods knew I didn’t need anything more coming at me. The universe had already filled up my plate with a heaping portion of confusion; I didn’t need another scoop.
To my surprise, it was a shim from Novi Pazidor. Not what I expected, especially considering I’d see her tomorrow at the card reading party. Crap. She didn’t want to cancel, did she? I hoped not—not after I’d gone through all the hassle with Mannette and Lotus earlier.
Novi’s message was…gushing was the only word that came to mind. Gushing with excitement about tomorrow night, how she’d invited all her friends, and how things were so much better with her husband after she’d shared my advice with him. He’d gone to get help from his union rep and didn’t feel such resentment toward the new mine owners. He’d actually be home in a few weeks so he and Novi could work out the rest of their concerns.
I sent a quick reply letting her know how pleased I was for her and how I was looking forward to tomorrow night. But was I? I sat back in my chair, thinking about it. I couldn’t remember the exact details of the reading I’d done for her; I’d have to look up the transcript Lotus uploaded to her memory blocks for the specifics. But it was nice knowing I’d helped her and made a real difference in her life.
Still, Lotus didn’t trust Novi and I respected her feeling. Gods knew she was more together than I was l
ately. It almost made me want to cancel the party and reschedule for when I felt more like myself. But I couldn’t. How could I walk away if I was really helping Novi and her husband? She was counting on me. And if there were serious issues with the mines, I should try to find out what I could and let Alexei know. Maybe he didn’t want me to read the cards for him, but it would be irresponsible of me to overlook a legitimate concern. If I did nothing and something awful happened, I’d feel that much worse. For that reason alone, I’d go to Novi’s tomorrow regardless of how out of sorts I felt.
Just to be safe, I grabbed a random deck of cards from those I kept stashed in the drawer of my reading table. I shuffled, my hands going through the motions without me being consciously aware of what I was doing. Instead, I thought about what I wanted to know. It wouldn’t hurt to take a peek at what I could expect tomorrow night. A quick spread might help settle me.
A glance down showed me I’d grabbed my fairy deck. I stopped shuffling, chilled. Not good. The cards were cute and colorful, covered with adorable little winged creatures that danced from flower to flower. Each card was cuter than the last, the faces so glittery and vibrant, the deck practically dazzled my clients. It wasn’t a deck I used often, not because of the glitter but because it always predicted the darkest readings I’d ever seen come to pass. So dark, I often thought about throwing the deck away. But I figured that would be like a medic throwing away her tools. So I’d held on to it, but rarely used it. Until now.
Depending on what I wanted to know, there were endless variations on how I could lay a spread and the number of cards I’d use. If I was concerned about a relationship, I would use a different spread than I would for business questions. If I wanted a quick answer, I could use three, five, or seven cards. The more cards, the deeper the meaning, and depending on their placement, they gave hints of the past, present, or future.
The Chaos of Luck Page 17