The Chaos of Luck

by Catherine Cerveny

  There was movement beside me, someone reaching to brush hair from my face. “Felicia, relax. You’re not at the clinic anymore.”

  I recognized that voice and I turned my head to see Alexei lying to my left, his face in partial shadow and expression unreadable. I looked back to the darkened ceiling, trying to breathe in and out, to calm myself. I couldn’t. All I felt was this gnawing, terrifying fear. Why was Alexei there? How did he know about the clinic? What was going on?

  “Am I dead?” I asked, just to be sure. It couldn’t hurt to check.

  “You put considerable effort into making it happen, but no. You had an allergic reaction to the fertility suppressant.”

  I felt a tear slide out of my left eye and I swiped at it with the back of my hand. “I don’t remember much except being really sick.”

  “Brody contacted me. I had you brought home. It’s late. Almost Witching Time.”

  I lay there, absorbing this news. “I’m sorry. I’m not really sure what I’m doing. I think I may have made a mistake.”

  He said nothing to that. Instead he got out of bed, stepped around to my side, and helped me sit. Then he held out a glass.

  “It’s water, and you’re dehydrated.”

  I drank it, the cool water wonderfully refreshing as it slid down my throat. When the glass was empty, he set it on the bedside table.

  “Any more dizziness or nausea?”

  “No. I feel better, but my stomach hurts.”

  He nodded. “From the nano-trace needles. Once they countered the suppressant in your system, you stabilized. Apparently in the time between your inhibitor being removed and the suppressant readministered, you spontaneously developed an allergy to the nanos. The tech said the time elapse was approximately half an hour. There’s no recorded case of that happening before.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said again because I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  “Can you shower yourself, or do you need my help?” he asked instead, ignoring my apology.

  I frowned, confused. “I can do it myself.”

  He nodded. “Shower, then we’ll talk.”

  That sounded ominous and the fear came back like a blow to my chest. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, stumbling a little. Alexei caught me, then let me go once I was upright. I made it to the bathroom under my own steam, wincing at the lights while my eyes adjusted. When I caught myself in the mirror, I saw I wore the same clothes from earlier, except now they were wrinkled and splattered with vomit. I looked pale and bruised around the eyes, while my eyes themselves were bloodshot and the whites discolored. My throat hurt, probably from all the throwing up I’d done earlier.

  Stripping, I left my clothes where they lay. I also took off any jewelry, except my bracelet. That rarely came off unless I was doing a reading. Or I lost my mind because I was doing drugs, I amended silently, remembering my Euphoria incident. I was not an irrational person. I always saw myself as the sanest person in a family chock-full of crazy. Yet as I stood under the hot water spray, I saw my life as one episode of erratic behavior after another, culminating with me ditching my fertility inhibitor. Gods, who operated at this level of crazy on a regular basis? How could Alexei stand it? Maybe he couldn’t. Maybe I was too much trouble on top of everything else he had to deal with.

  I hurried through my shower. When I got out, I found my discarded clothing gone and a clean outfit on the counter. I dried off and dressed in what had been left—leggings and a long-sleeved tunic top both in green and my ballet flats. A pair of unremarkable-looking underwear I didn’t even know I owned was in the pile. The same went for the plain but serviceable bra. It certainly wasn’t going to incite lust in anyone. I pulled my hair into a loose ponytail before slapping my c-tex bracelet back on my wrist but the ring…I left it on the counter, not sure I was entitled to wear it after what I’d done.

  The lights were on when I shuffled back into the bedroom. Alexei sat on the edge of the bed, looking like he’d paused while removing one of his many suits: He’d taken off the jacket and unbuttoned his shirt. His expression was vacant as he presumably scanned the CN-net—though I’d never really know where his thoughts wandered when he was like this. His eyes slid to me, but his face remained unchanged, as if he didn’t see me. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe in his mind, I was already gone, although that was too frightening a possibility to consider.

  I stood on the other side of the room, crossing my arms and leaning against the wall. For long moments, we looked at each other. I couldn’t think of what to say. I hadn’t planned that far ahead. Or rather, hadn’t planned at all. The longer I said nothing, the greater my need to confess, like I was a sinner who needed to be absolved of my guilt.

  “When I got up this morning, I didn’t expect things would end like this,” I said finally.

  “I believe you. I’ve never been able to determine how you do what you do, or why.” He sounded frustrated when normally he might have been amused. I’d always suspected part of his initial attraction to me had been because he couldn’t read me via the CN-net the way he could the rest of the world. Now it felt like a liability.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, yet again. “I shouldn’t have removed my inhibitor. It made sense at the time, but now I see I didn’t have the right to do it without telling you. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was afraid—”

  “You don’t have to apologize. You warned me this would happen. You said you needed me, and I wasn’t there for you. If I’d been paying attention to where it mattered, none of this would have occurred.”

  That wasn’t the response I’d expected, nor did I think I’d hear such resignation in his voice. It was like he’d already accepted everything had fallen apart and talking about it was useless.

  “But I didn’t think I’d manage to convince myself removing my fertility inhibitor was a great idea.”

  “I should have realized this was the road events would take,” he continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “After all, luck always finds the best advantage and seeks to preserve itself, regardless of what’s standing in its way. Wasn’t that one of your mother’s rules? You were only doing what comes naturally. How could you be faulted for that? It’s like getting angry at the rain for being wet.”

  “When you say that, it makes me sound selfish and stupid.”

  “Does it? Maybe that makes two of us.”

  “Look, I said I was sorry. I never meant for this to happen.”

  “I know. The irony is, I’m the one who set events in motion and brought this down on us. Luck merely turned the situation into what it needed it to be.”

  “I don’t see how that’s possible. It’s not like you were the one puking your guts out all over town.”

  He rose from the bed, advancing toward me as if he couldn’t stay away. The neutral expression on his face gave way to fury. “Is there some reason why you’re deliberately missing the point?”

  “What point? That I’m stupid and selfish or you’re tired of dealing with my constant screwups?”

  “Can you not see what’s right in front of you? I’m not what you want. Do you think I don’t realize your luck gene is pushing you toward him? That I don’t know how often you’re alone with him?” His hand touched my face, cupping my cheek. His grip wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t gentle either as he ran his thumb over my lips. “I waited for you to tell me it meant nothing, but you didn’t. Instead all I have are reports of the two of you together. Of you in his arms. You kissing him. You didn’t even try to hide it. Even after you agreed to marry me, you still went back to him. And like a fool, I turned a blind eye because I couldn’t believe it might be true. After all, why would you be here if you didn’t want to be with me? Except you were at the clinic today with him. Not me. Him.”

  I looked up at him, horrified and unable to defend myself because it was all true. I’d hid behind lies or tried to pretend it would all just stop while at the same time doing everything to sabotage things with the man I loved.

  �
��Maybe I should have said something, and asked you to make him go away,” I whispered. “He always seemed to be there when I needed someone, and you…You weren’t. I’m not saying that’s an excuse, just…He was at my shop. At the gym. The clinic. He came to see me at our hotel room in Apolli, and he had my shoes. Then I asked him to go with me to see the Under-Secretary because I didn’t think you would understand why I needed to go…It made me so confused. I don’t love Brody, but I don’t know how to stop the feelings I do have!”

  “And that’s what I brought into our lives,” Alexei snarled. “I did this.”

  “But I only love you!”

  Frustrated, he punched the wall near my head, making me jump. The whole wall shook and plaster crumbled where he connected. His hand should have been killing him, but he didn’t even react. When I tried to reach for him, his other hand pushed me back by the shoulder and held me in place.

  “Don’t you get it?” he railed at me, shouting now. “It doesn’t matter if you love me! I don’t have what you need so you’re looking for it elsewhere.”

  “What am I looking for? What does Brody have that you don’t?” I yelled back. The words so closely mirrored what Brody had said in the air-hack—that he could give me what Alexei couldn’t—I felt panic rise. My hands grabbed the edges of his open shirt, fisting in the material. “Tell me!”

  “How can you not see the obvious when we both know you’re drawn to him? Even your cards know it.”

  “That’s not fair! I’m not luck’s pawn! I’m not some tool pushed around by my DNA! I make my own decisions.”

  “If that’s the case, did you purposely set out to humiliate me? Do you enjoy seeing me like this?”

  “Of course not! I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “Isn’t that kind of you? I’ve killed people for less. Many people, Felicia. So many, I can’t even recall the exact number and I make it a point to remember everything.” His hand on my shoulder flexed until I winced. “Is that what you want? Does someone need to die for this situation to go away, because that’s how I feel—like someone needs to be punished. Sometimes I actually enjoy the killing, like it’s the only thing I do that has any meaning.”

  I was too far gone to register what he was saying. Instead I threw back: “Then kill me if it makes you feel better! Maybe I deserve it for being weak. I knew this was hurting you, but I couldn’t stop myself. At least I have enough control not to sleep with him. Well, not yet anyway.”

  His other hand was at my throat then, and for a moment, he looked so furious, I thought he might just do it. I thought he would actually kill me. Yet his hand never tightened and the grip remained loose, even as I could see his control fraying. Fear leaped inside me. Not of him, but of what was happening and how we’d even stumbled into this situation. We were supposed to be in love, damn it! How had it gotten so twisted?

  I went limp in his hands, the fight going out of me in the face of his suffering. I’d caused this. I’d hurt him and this was the awful result.

  “I shouldn’t have said that,” I whispered. “I would never do that to you. I couldn’t betray you like that.”

  He made a noise that sounded more animal than man before pulling me to him, and dragging me down to the floor. Both of us fell on our knees, clinging to each other with an air of desperation. Just as quickly, he shoved me back as if he couldn’t bear to touch me.

  “What does it matter? I can’t be what you want,” he ground out. “I’ve tried, but I see now it’s pointless. It’s always been pointless.”

  “Why? Am I holding you back from being the powerful crime lord you always wanted to be? Would you rather be out on some murderous rampage, scheming to take control of the tri-system away from One Gov?” All the fear and self-doubt I’d kept bottled up inside broke free, and I swallowed convulsively over the lump forming in my throat, making it a fight to get the words out. “Or were you just pretending you wanted to be with me? Is this not fun anymore because you realized I’m not enough? Did you finally figure out what I’ve always known—that I could never be enough for you?”

  He groaned as if he were in pain. Then he took a shuddering breath of his own and reached out to touch my hair, running his fingers over my damp ponytail before letting it slip free. “Why would you even think that? What did I do to make you believe you weren’t enough when you were the only thing I wanted? It was never pretend with you. Never.”

  “Then why are you saying this? Is it that you’re not interested in having a baby? Were you just humoring me when I brought it up because you don’t want that with me?”

  His hands were on my face, thumbs stroking my cheeks. “I watched as you all but sold yourself and turned your life upside down trying to make the impossible happen. Of course I knew it was important and eventually you’d want us to try. I just told you what you wanted to hear because I was afraid of what the truth would do to us.”

  “The truth? What truth?” I gasped out the words. I pushed away his hands but they merely dropped to my shoulders, still holding me. My eyes widened as I gazed up at him, his words finally sinking in. “Are you lying to me? Again? What shocking secret are you hiding now? Gods, after everything we’ve been through, am I ever going to get the whole truth from you?”

  “It looks as if luck has forced both our hands. I would have told you whatever I thought would keep you with me. For the past five and a half months, our lives have been perfect. But now it’s all caught up to me. The problem was never you. It was me. I’m the one who isn’t enough, not you.”

  “Not enough how?”

  He laughed but it was bitter and without humor. “We’re not biologically compatible. Everything the Consortium did to create me, every upgrade and every advancement they did, has made me into this thing that puts me outside of what it means to be biologically human. It’s unlikely we could have a baby together. We may not even be the same species anymore.”

  I stared up at him, stunned and momentarily speechless.

  “Goddamn it, say something!” he yelled, shaking me.

  I blinked, flinching at the command in his voice. “How long have you known?”

  “Always. I’ve known since the beginning, and now I’ve paved the way for someone else to give you want you need. Had him specifically shipped here for you.”

  “But…” I couldn’t get my head around it. What he was saying didn’t make any sense. “Is it because I don’t have any MH Factor? Would it be different if I had t-mods that could regulate my body? Is it because I’m a spook?”

  “Aren’t you listening? It isn’t you. According to the Consortium’s lab results, it wouldn’t make a difference. That’s why I ordered Karol here. He was involved in my creation so I asked him to look into the original research to see if I’d missed something. He says he can’t find any errors in the data or a single case where the Consortium successfully produced viable offspring in their test labs.”

  “But…” My voice sputtered out and it was a struggle to find the words. “Why would I be drawn to you if this was never going to work?”

  “Because luck needed me,” he said harshly, pulling me in close until our eyes were level. “Luck needed my influence to get your blacklisted status revoked. It needed me to get your mother out of the way. And now that it’s done, it seems luck needs something else, and that apparently isn’t me. It’s him. Whatever you need now, you’ll get it from him. Presumably it will be what you’ve always wanted: a baby.”

  “No,” I breathed, horrified, crushed by disappointment, disbelief, and an awful feeling that what he said might be true—that I was a pawn after all. Maybe that was all I’d ever be. I shrank away from him, feeling sick and so damn scared of him and myself, and who I was, I couldn’t think. “You’re wrong. I can’t…It’s not supposed to be like this.”

  “But it is, Felicia. Whether you want to believe it or not, it’s true. Luck used both of us, and now it wants him to give you what I never will.”

  I shook him off then, pushing at h
is hands and trying to scramble away. He let me go and I crab-walked backward until I hit the wall, then used it to haul myself to my feet. I had to get out of there. It was the only thing that made any sense. Get away from him and all his lies that couldn’t possibly be true. I couldn’t breathe. The panic closed in like a vise around my throat, cutting off the air. I hugged myself, feeling cold and hot, wanting to throw up even though there was nothing in my stomach. And my gut…It couldn’t get me away from him and this horrible, crushing reality fast enough.

  Now I knew who the Fool card referred to in all my readings. It was me.

  “I have to go,” I murmured, looking to the door. “I need to leave. I have to…”

  I couldn’t finish the sentence as I hurled myself across the room, grabbing the door handle to yank it open. Just as quickly, Alexei’s hand shot out and he held it closed.

  “Where you are going? To him?”

  “I don’t know but I need to get away from this, from…myself,” I said, starting to cry in earnest. “All I ever wanted was to be with you and for this to be real. Only now you’re telling me I couldn’t have had it anyway, and everything is lies. That luck thinks I should be with Brody and I’m living the wrong life. Let me go because I can’t listen to this anymore. I can’t. This can’t be how it all ends. It can’t.”

  And just like that, he removed his hand. I threw open the door without looking back, flying through the hallway and nearly tripping down the stairs in my rush. Then I was at the main door, fighting with the AI to get the seals unlocked.

  “Leaving, Felicia? And in such a hurry too.”

  The voice stopped me in my tracks. Konstantin Belikov.

  He was in his mobile-assist chair, flanked by chain-breakers. They were leaving the library, one of the many rooms off the hallway.

  “I heard you had a difficult time at the clinic today. I must confess: If I’d known Alexei planned on leaving for Mars with you, I could have told you all this beforehand and saved you the trouble,” he said, as if he were doing me a kindness.