Betsy Weitzman
Borders, King of Prussia, PA.
Customer: I’m looking for Canary Row.
Jason Frost
Russo’s Books, Bakersfield, CA
Customer: Do you have any Willa Catheter?
Anonymous
Customer: Do you have Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof?
Jan Weissmiller
Prairie Lights Books, Iowa City, IA
Customer: I need A Few Good Men by Joe Steinbeck.
Bookseller: Do you mean Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck?
Customer: No, I said A Few Good Men.
Bookseller: The movie?
Customer: No. It’s a classic book! Steinbeck.
Bookseller: I don’t see that here by him. But he did write Of Mice and Men.
Customer: What? Just show me where to find his books.
(Later)
Customer: Here it is. Of Mice and Men. Right there on your shelf.
Jade Hollingsworth
Vroman’s Bookstore, Pasadena, CA
PARENTS AND KIDS
Customer: My kids are just climbing your bookshelves. That’s ok, isn’t it? They won’t topple over, will they?
Customer: It makes me sad that grown-up books don’t have pictures in them. You’re brought up with them when you’re younger, and then suddenly they’re all taken away!
Bookseller: Yes. It’s a cruel world.
Customer: These books are really stupid, aren’t they?
Bookseller: Which ones?
Customer: You know, the ones where animals, such as cats and mice, are best friends.
Bookseller: I suppose they’re not very realistic, but then that’s fiction.
Customer: They’re more than unrealistic; they’re really stupid.
Bookseller: Well, writers use that kind of thing to teach kids about accepting people different to themselves, you know?
Customer: Yeah, well, books shouldn’t pretend that different people get on like that, and that everything is “la de da” and wonderful, should they? Kids should learn that life’s a bitch, and the sooner the better.
Customer: I do find it odd that people manage to make a living out of writing books for kids. I’m sure any mother could do it.
Bookseller: Why don’t you try it yourself?
Customer: I always mean to, but I’m very busy right now with my pottery class.
Customer: I’m looking for a book for my son. He’s one of these weird people who still likes the paper ones.
Anonymous
Customer: Do you have a book with a list of careers? I want to give my daughter some inspiration.
Bookseller: Ah, is she applying for college courses?
Customer: Oh no, not yet. She’s just over there. Sweetheart?
(a four-year-old girl comes over)
Customer: There you are. Now, you talk to the nice lady, and I’m going to find you a book on how to become a doctor or a scientist. What do you think about that?
(the girl says nothing)
Customer (to bookseller): Won’t be a sec.
(Customer wanders off into non-fiction)
Bookseller: So, what’s your name?
Child: Sarah.
Bookseller: Sarah? That’s a beautiful name.
Child: Thank you.
Bookseller: So, Sarah, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Child: … A bumblebee.
Bookseller: Excellent.
(Customer comes into the store with her five-year-old son)
Customer: Come on, Jason, take your shoes off.
Bookseller: It’s ok… you don’t have to take your shoes off to come into the bookstore.
Customer: Please don’t encourage him. I’m trying to train him to remember to take his shoes off in the house because we’ve got new carpets. The more he does it, the more he’ll remember.
Customer: I’m looking for a book for my son. He’s six.
Bookseller: How about this one. It’s about—
Customer: Yeah, whatever, I’ll take it.
Customer: I’m just going to run to the store to do the weekly food shopping. I’m just going to leave my sons here, is that ok? They’re three and five. They’re no trouble.
Child: Mommy, can we buy this book?
Mother: Put that down, Benjamin. We’ve got enough books at home!
(A child is playing with a book on the floor and rips it)
Child’s mother: Oh, Stephen (she tuts in a non-serious way). Do be careful. (She takes the book off the child and puts it back on the shelf)
Bookseller: Excuse me?
Child’s mother: Yes?
Bookseller: Your son just ripped the head off the tiger who came to tea.
Child’s mother: I know. Children, eh?
Bookseller: Yes, but we can’t sell that book now. It’s damaged.
Child’s mother: Well I don’t know what you expect me to do about it.
(Child finds the light switch and begins to flick it on and off… and on and off)
Child’s mother: He’s playing a game he calls Night and Day.
Bookseller: Could you please ask him to stop? I need to be able to see the register to help these customers.
Child’s mother: It’s ok. He’ll stop in a few minutes. See, he’s pretending to snore at the moment. He’ll stop soon and pretend to wake up, and switch the light on like it’s the sun. He’s so imaginative, isn’t he? David, what time is it in the game?
Child: It’s five in the morning!
Child’s mother (to bookseller): See. Not long to go now. Just be patient.
Child: Mom, how did Anne Frank escape the Nazis?
Mother: I’ll tell you later.
Child (screaming): BUT I WANT TO KNOW NOOOOOOWWW!
Bookseller (to fellow bookseller): Someone should tell her she kept away from the Nazis for so long by being quiet.
Anonymous
Customer: If my daughter wants to buy books from the teenage section do you need to see some form of ID? It was her thirteenth birthday this weekend. I can show you pictures of the cake. You can count the candles.
Child: Mom, look, it’s the book of 101 Dalmatians. Can I get a hundred and one puppies?
Child’s mother: No, you’ve already got a hamster. That’s enough.
Customer: Do you have any positions available at the moment? I’d like my daughter to get a Saturday job.
Bookseller: If your daughter is interested in working for us, it’d be best if she came and spoke to us herself.
Customer: I don’t think she’s that keen on having a job, that’s the problem… But you could always come round to our house and try and convince her to come and work for you. Then she might consider it.
Customer: I’m looking for a book for my son. He’s only seven but he’s so advanced; it’s like he has the brain of a twenty-year-old. What would you recommend?
Customer: Hi, my daughter is going to come by on her way home from school to buy a book. However, she seems to like to buy books with sex in them, and she’s only twelve, so can I ask you to keep an eye out for her and make sure she doesn’t buy anything inappropriate for her age? I can give you a list of authors she is allowed to buy.
Bookseller: With all due respect, would it not be easier for you to come in with your daughter?
Customer: Certainly not. She’s a grown girl; she can do it herself.
Customer: Ok, so you want this book?
Their daughter: Yes!
Customer: Peter Pan?
Their daughter: Yes, please. Because he can fly.
Customer: Yes, he can—he’s very good at flying.
Their daughter: Why can’t I fly, daddy?
Customer: Because of evolution, sweetheart.
Customer: Did Beatrix Potter ever write a book about dinosaurs?
Customer (to their friend): God, the Famous Five titles really were crap, weren’t they? Five Go Camping. Five Go Off in a Caravan…. If it was Five Go Down to a Crack House it might be a bit mo
re exciting.
Parent: (to a misbehaving child): THERE SHOULD BE NO YELLING UNLESS SOMEONE IS ON FIRE!
Child: (firing back immediately): What about if a weasel is robbing the store?
Parent (long pause… with the flickering of a smile): I don’t know… is he armed?
Richard Due & Elizabeth Prouty
Second Look Books, Prince Frederick, MD
Customer: Oh, look, they’ve got a section on dictionaries. Perhaps we should get your brother one for school, for Spanish, what do you think?
Her daughter: Can we get one for when we go to Scotland for our holidays?
Customer: They speak English in Scotland, too, sweetie.
Five-year-old girl: Mommy, I could stay in here all day!
Mother: I don’t know why you read; it’ll never get you anywhere.
Christopher Sheedy
Re: Reading, Toronto, ON
YOU WANT WHAT?
Customer: I read a book in the sixties. I don’t remember the author, or the title. But it was green, and it made me laugh. Do you know which one I mean?
Customer: This might be a stupid question, but do you sell milk?
Customer: Do you sell lottery tickets?
Customer: Do you have any sea-monkey food?
James Crossley
Island Books, Mercer Island, WA
Customer: Do you sell swimming goggles?
Bookseller: No, I’m afraid we do not.
Customer: And you call yourself a full service bookstore?
Bookseller: …
Emily Crowe
Odyssey Bookshop, South Hadley, MA
Customer: Do you sell bed sheets?
Kathleen Elder
Borders Express, Tucker, GA
Customer: Do you sell screwdrivers?
Customer: Do you sell gum?
Bookseller: No, we’re a bookstore. We sell books.
Customer: Oh. Right. (pause) What about cigarettes?
Bookseller: Nope, still just a bookstore.
Anonymous
Customer: Didn’t this place used to be a camera store?
Bookseller: Yes, it did, but we bought the place a year ago.
Customer: And now you’re a…
Bookseller: … a bookstore.
Customer: Right. Yes. So, where do you keep the cameras?
Man: Where are the pianos?
Bookseller (leading him towards the music section): Sheet music is on the bottom shelf; piano tuning and repair books are on the next shelf up.
Man: No, no, no! I need a piano.
Bookseller: We don’t sell pianos.
Man: I hear music.
Bookseller: …That’s the radio.
Man: Are you sure?
Ann Salisbury
Bienville Books, Mobile, AL
Customer: Hi, I just wanted to ask: did Anne Frank ever write a sequel?
Bookseller: …
Customer: I really enjoyed her first book.
Bookseller: Her diary?
Customer: Yes, the diary.
Bookseller: Her diary wasn’t fictional.
Customer: Really?
Bookseller: Yes… She really dies at the end—that’s why the diary finishes. She was taken to a concentration camp.
Customer: Oh… that’s terrible.
Bookseller: Yes, it was awful.
Customer: I mean, it’s such a shame, you know? She was such a good writer.
Customer: Do you have any books in this shade of green, to match the wrapping paper I’ve bought?
Customer: Do you arrange your books by color? I’m looking for a blue book.
Emily Crowe
Odyssey Bookshop, South Hadley, MA
Customer: You know how they say that if you gave a thousand monkeys typewriters, then they’d eventually churn out really good writing?
Bookseller: … Yes.
Customer: Well, do you have any books by those monkeys?
Bookseller: …
Customer: How about dragons? Do you have any books with dragons?
Bookseller: Well, let me check. There are tons of books with dragons in them; I can pull up a list if you like.
Customer: Can you get any with pictures of real dragons?
Mike Tennyson
Bay Brooks, Great Mills, MD
Customer: Do you have a copy of Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason? I can’t see it on the shelf.
Bookseller: I’m afraid we don’t, but I can order it for you, and it’ll be here in the next forty-eight hours. We could even mail it to you if you like?
Customer: I don’t trust the postal service. Could you fax it instead?
Customer: Do have that book about those people in that place with the thing?
Anonymous
Customer: Do you have any medical textbooks?
Bookseller: Sorry, no. They go out of date so quickly that we don’t stock them, but I can order one for you.
Customer: I’m not worried about it being in date.
Bookseller: Does your course not request you have a specific edition?
Customer: Oh, I’m not a medical student, I just want to learn how to do stitches.
Bookseller: … Right.
Customer: Do you have a book on sewing, instead?
Customer: Do you have any books signed by Margaret Atwood?
Bookseller: We have many Margaret Atwood books, but I’m afraid we don’t have any signed by Margaret Atwood, no.
Customer: I’m looking for a birthday present for my wife. I know she’d really love a signed copy. You couldn’t fake a signature could you?
Customer: Do you have any books by Jane Eyre?
Customer: Where are your fictional novels?
Bookseller: Can I help at all?
Customer: Yes, where’s your fiction section?
Bookseller: It starts over on the far wall. Are you looking for anything in particular?
Customer: Yes, any books by Stefan Browning.
Bookseller: I’m not familiar with him, what kind of books has he written?
Customer: I don’t know if he’s written any. You see, my name’s Stefan Browning, and I always like to go into bookstores to see if anyone with my name has written a book.
Bookseller: … Right.
Customer: Because then I can buy it, you see, and carry it around with me and tell everyone that I’ve had a novel published. Then everyone will think I’m really cool, don’t you think?
Bookseller: …
Customer: Do you have a book that lists the weather forecast for the rest of this year?
Customer: Do you have a crafts book on how to build a gun?
Bookseller (on the phone): Hello, Ripping Yarns Bookstore.
Customer: Hi. Do you have any mohair wool?
Bookseller: Sorry, we’re not a yarns store, we’re a bookstore.
Customer: You’re called Ripping Yarns.
Bookseller: Yes, that’s “yarns” as in stories.
Customer: Well it’s a stupid name.
Bookseller: It’s a Monty Python reference.
Customer: So, you don’t sell wool?
Bookseller: No.
Customer: Hmph. That’s ridiculous.
Bookseller: … But we do sell dead parrots.
Customer: What?
Bookseller: Parrots. Dead. Extinct. Expired. Would you like one?
Customer: Erm, no.
Bookseller: Ok, well, if you change your mind, do call back.
Customer: I’d like to buy your heaviest book, please.
Customer: Do you have this book (holds up a biography) but without the photographs?
Bookseller: I think the photographs are published alongside the text in every edition.
Customer: Why?
Bookseller: I suppose it’s so you can see what everyone looked like.
Customer: I don’t like photographs.
Bookseller: Ok.
Customer: Could you cut them out for me?
Bookseller: …
; Customer: Hi there.
Bookseller: Hi, can I help?
Customer: Yes, I was just admiring your store sign outside.
Bookseller: Thank you.
Customer: It’s really lovely…
Bookseller: …Yes.
Customer: … Is it for sale?
Customer: If I came to work here, would I get a discount at the liquor store next door?
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Hello?
Person: Hi there, can I speak to the manager of the property?
Bookseller: Speaking. How can I help?
Person: I’m calling to see if you’d be interested in stocking some cleaning products in your vicinity.
Bookseller: To sell?
Person: Yes.
Bookseller: We’re a bookstore.
Person: Yes. Could you see yourselves branching out into this area?
Bookseller: Not really, no.
Person: How about I send over a sample of products and you can see how you get on?
Bookseller: No, thank you.
Person: Books and cleaning products work well together.
Bookseller: Do they?
Person: I’m sure we could make this work.
Bookseller: No, thank you.
Person: I think you’re missing out on a very interesting opportunity. Can you think of any other bookstores that might be interested?
Customer: Do you have a book on how to breathe underwater?
Bookseller: You mean Julie Orringer’s short story collection: How to Breathe Underwater?
Customer: Is that fact?
Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores Page 2