Bookseller: No, it’s fiction—the title’s a metaphor.
Customer: … Oh. No. I need a book on how to actually breathe underwater.
Bookseller: …
Customer: Do you have a book on dinosaurs? My grandson’s really into them.
Bookseller: Absolutely, we have one over here.
Customer: Does it have every type in it?
Bookseller: I believe it’s a very comprehensive collection, yes.
Customer: Great. So, does it have a chapter on dragons?
Customer: Do you have any old Elvis CDs?
Bookseller: No, we don’t sell music, sorry. We might have a book on Elvis, though.
Customer: Would any of those come with a life size cut out of him?
Bookseller: …I doubt it.
Customer: Do you have Dr. Who and the Secrets of the Hidden Planet of Time?
Bookseller: I’m not familiar with that one. Hang on and I’ll check our system for you.
Customer: Thank you.
Bookseller: I’m afraid I can’t find it on our database, or a reference to it online. Are you sure you’ve got the right title?
Customer: No, not at all. I don’t know that it actually exists.
Bookseller: … What do you mean?
Customer: Oh, I was just driving to work yesterday and I thought up the title and I thought “now that sounds like the kind of book I’d like to read,” you know?
Bookseller: Hmmm. Well, I’m afraid you can’t read it, as it hasn’t been written.
Customer: Never mind, never mind—just thought I’d check.
Bookseller: We do have lots of other Dr. Who novels over here, though, if you’d like to take a look.
Customer: No, it’s ok. I’ll go home and have another think and come back again.
Customer: Hi, my best friend came in last weekend and bought a book, and she really loved it. Do you have another copy?
Bookseller: What was the title?
Customer: Oh, right. Yeah. I don’t remember.
Customer: I’m looking for that famous book—you know, the Disney one, where Donald Duck is an accountant.
Customer: Do you have an easy version of “Moonlight Sonata” for piano?
Bookseller: We have a box of sheet music by the music books section. I’ll have a look.
Customer: Thanks.
Bookseller: Yep. Here’s a “Moonlight Sonata” for grade two.
Customer: And that’s easy?
Bookseller: Compared to the real thing, yes.
Customer: So, I should be able to play it, yeah?
Bookseller: I don’t know. How long have you been playing?
Customer: Oh, I don’t know how to play, I thought I’d just try.
Bookseller: Right. Can you read sheet music?
Customer: Well… sure… it’s just the alphabet, isn’t it?
Customer: I’m looking for a book about this big (indicates size). I’ve got a space on my bookshelf and I need to fill it. It’s really bugging me.
Bookseller: What kind of book would you like?
Customer: I don’t care, just as long as it’s exactly this size.
Customer: Where do you keep your maps?
Bookseller: Over here, what kind of map are you looking for? A county, a state, a world map?
Customer: I want a map of the sun.
Customer: Is your poetry section split up into rhyming and non-rhyming sections?
Bookseller: No, it’s just in alphabetical order. What kind of poetry are you looking for?
Customer: Rhyming. Preferably iambic pentameter, of poems of no more than ten lines, by a female poet. But, other than that, I don’t mind.
Customer: Hi, do you sell Christmas trees?
Bookseller: No…
Customer: Oh. I thought it was worth asking because you’ve got lots of Christmas books in the window.
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Hello, Ripping Yarns bookstore.
Customer: Hi. My friend recommended you to me. She said you sell the most amazing knee high socks.
Bookseller: We don’t sell socks, we’re a bookstore.
Customer: Oh, have you sold out?
Bookseller: Of what?
Customer: Of socks.
Bookseller: No, we’re a bookstore.
Customer: Oh, ok.
Customer: I’d love to hold a fashion photo shoot in here. We could get models to come in and half bury themselves in books on the floor, or get them to hang from the bookshelves. Do you think your customers would mind?
Customer: I’ve been looking through your geography section—I can’t find any books on Atlantis.
Bookseller: You know, I think we managed to lose those.
Customer (holding up a book about knitting): Do you think I could knit using my own hair?
Customer: What books could I buy to make guests look at my bookshelf and think: “Wow, that guy’s intelligent”?
Customer (on the phone): Do you have (inaudible)?
Bookseller: I’m sorry?
Customer: Do you have miso soup?
Bookseller: Um, no… this is a bookstore.
Customer: But it says Book S… Oh. Never mind.
Amelia Cone
Book Soup, West Hollywood, CA
Customer: Do you have any books on Japan?
Bookseller: Sure. A travel guide or a history?
Customer: Yes.
Bookseller: Which one?
Customer: Both.
Bookseller: Right.
Customer: … And it should also have stories for children.
Bookseller: …
Customer: Illustrated.
Bookseller: …
Customer: And it has to be a hardback, not a paperback. And it should be a good price.
Bookseller: …
Customer: A really nice old edition, with a modern twist.
Bookseller: … I’m really not sure what kind of book you’re looking for.
CUSTOMERS BEHAVING BADLY
Customer (holding up a copy of a Harry Potter book): This doesn’t have anything weird in it… does it?
Bookseller: You mean, like, werewolves?
Customer: No (whispers) —gays.
Bookseller: … Right.
(Local author comes into bookstore, lifts his books from the bookshelf and starts rearranging them on the table in the middle of the room)
Bookseller: What are you doing?
Local Author: Well, they’re never going to sell just sitting on a shelf, are they?
Customer: Which was the first Harry Potter book?
Bookseller: The Sorcerer’s Stone.
Customer: And the second?
Bookseller: The Chamber of Secrets.
Customer: I’ll take The Chamber of Secrets. I don’t want The Sorcerer’s Stone.
Bookseller: Have you already read that one?
Customer: No, but with series of books I always find they take a while to really get going. I don’t want to waste my time with the useless introductory stuff.
Bookseller: The story in Harry Potter actually starts right away. Personally, I recommend that you start with the first book—and it’s very good.
Customer: Are you working on commission?
Bookseller: No.
Customer: Right. How many books are there in total?
Bookseller: Seven.
Customer: Exactly. I’m not going to waste my money on the first book when there are so many others to buy. I’ll take the second one.
Bookseller: … If you’re sure.
(One week later, the customer returns)
Bookseller: Hi, did you want to buy a copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban?
Customer: What’s that?
Bookseller: It’s the book after The Chamber of Secrets.
Customer: Oh, no, definitely not. I found that book far too confusing. How on earth are children supposed to understand it if I can’t? I mean, who the heck is that Voldemort guy anyway? No. I’m not going to bother w
ith the rest.
Bookseller: …
Customer: Do you have an LGBT fiction section?
Bookseller: We don’t have a specific section, but we do have LGBT literature—Sarah Waters, Ali Smith, Jeanette Winterson, Christopher Isherwood etc. Which author were you looking for?
Customer: Don’t worry, I’ll have a look through the fiction section—thanks for your help.
Other Customer: Sorry, did I hear you right? Did you just say that all the homosexual books are in with the normal fiction.
Bookseller: All our fiction is one section.
(Other Customer looks suspiciously at the book she’s holding and slides it back on the shelf)
Customer: I’m looking for a book for my eleven-year-old daughter. What would you recommend? I’d like something educational, too, not anything nonsensical.
Bookseller: Well, how about something like When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit? She’ll be doing the Second World War at school soon, and this is about Judith Kerr’s life. She had to travel across Europe when she was a little girl because her father was a German journalist outspoken against Hitler, and it’s about her joining schools in France and England, and learning new languages.
Customer: I don’t really want her to learn about all that Hitler Nazi nonsense. It’s all so long ago, now, and completely irrelevant. It’s tedious.
(Customer is reading a book from the shelf, pauses and folds the top of one of the pages over, then puts it back on the shelf)
Bookseller: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Customer: I was just reading the first chapter of this book, but I’m going to be late meeting a friend for lunch. So, I’m just marking it and I’ll finish reading it when I stop by tomorrow.
(Customer walks around the store, eating peanuts and throwing the shells on the floor.)
Bookseller: Sir, we don’t allow food in the store.
Man: This isn’t food! It’s a snack!
Ann Salisbury
Bienville Books, Mobile, AL
Customer (shouting from the doorway): Do you have any jobs going at the moment? I’d come in and talk properly, but I’m really busy.
Customer: I’d like a refund on this book please.
Bookseller: What seems to be the problem?
Customer: I barely touched it. It’s ridiculous!
Bookseller: What do you mean?
Customer: I mean all I did was drop it in the bath by accident. And now, I mean, just look at it: the thing’s unreadable!
(Phone rings)
Customer: Hi, I’m looking for any books by Kenneth Roberts.
Bookseller: One second, and I’ll have a look for you.
(Bookseller checks the shelves)
Bookseller: I’m afraid we don’t have any right now.
Customer: What? You mean you’re all out of BOOKS?
Lisa Morton
Iliad Bookshop, North Hollywood, CA
Customer (speaking loudly into her phone): Why aren’t you here yet? I don’t like walking around with two thousand in cash on me! Hurry up and pick me up!
Customer: Can I return this book? I’m allergic to ink.
Dale Szczeblowski
Porter Square Books, Cambridge, MA
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Hello?
Customer: Hi there. I have a complaint I’d like to make.
Bookseller: I’m sorry to hear that; what seems to be the problem?
Customer: My daughter’s been having nightmares about The Gruffalo.
Bookseller: Right.
Customer: What are you going to do about it?
Bookseller: Well, I hasten to add that I have never heard of a child having nightmares about The Gruffalo before. It’s certainly not meant to be a scary book, and I’m sure the person who recommended this book to you didn’t intend for this to happen either. When did you buy this book from us?
Customer: We didn’t buy it from you.
Bookseller: … Right.
Customer: I’m calling from Canada. I’ve googled all the bookstores I can find, and I’m calling you up to request that you stop stocking the book immediately.
Bookseller: … Right.
(Pause)
Customer: So, are you going to get rid of the copies that you do have?
Bookseller: No, I’m afraid we won’t be doing that.
Customer: And why is that?
Bookseller: Because this appears to be an isolated incident, and the book is loved by many of our customers.
Customer: Right… I see. Well. I’ll be splitting my daughter’s counseling bill and sharing it among heartless booksellers like you!
Bookseller: Out of interest, how many bookstores have agreed to get rid of the book so far?
Customer: I think you’ll find that that’s beside the point.
(Phone goes dead)
Customer (holding up a Jamie Oliver cookbook): Would you mind if I photocopied this recipe?
Bookseller: Yes, I would.
Customer: Have you read…
Bookseller: …
Customer: Oh, nevermind. You look too young to have read a good book.
Madison Butler
Liberty Bay Books, Poulsbo, WA
Bookseller: Ok, so with postage costs that brings your total to $13.05. One second and I’ll get the card machine.
Customer: No. No, absolutely not. I demand that you charge me $12.99. I will not pay for anything that starts with thirteen. You’re trying to give me bad luck. Now, change it, or I will find a bookstore that doesn’t want me to fall down a hole and die. Ok?
Customer: Hi, I’ve just self-published my art book. My friends tell me that I’m set to be the new Van Gogh. How many copies of my book would you like to pre-order?
Bookseller: You know, Van Gogh was never appreciated in his lifetime.
Customer: …
Customer (poking his head round the door): Hi, can I bring my dog inside?
Bookseller: Sure, there’s a sign on the door that says that friendly dogs are allowed.
Customer: Well, she’s not that friendly; she might bite people.
Bookseller: … Well then please leave her outside.
Customer: I don’t suppose I could have a cup of coffee, could I?
Bookseller: Well… erm….
Customer: Thanks, I’d really like one.
Bookseller (indicating the bookshelves): Have you seen anything you’d like?
Customer: Oh, I’m not buying. I’m just waiting for my bus.
Customer: You only have the hardback of this book.
Bookseller: Yes. It’s only available in hardback, I’m afraid.
Customer: Oh, but, can’t you call the publisher and insist that I want the paperback? Can’t they just print it on demand for me?
Samantha Beiko
Type Books, Toronto, ON
Customer (peering over): Do you have brown eyes?
Bookseller: Yes, I do.
Customer: My mother told me never to trust anyone with brown eyes.
Bookseller: … You have brown eyes.
Customer: …
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Thanks for calling Barnes and Noble, how can I help you?
Customer: Yeah, hi, um… do you sell Scrabble dictionaries?
Bookseller: Yes, of course. Do you want me to put one on hold for you?
Customer: Oh, no that’s okay. But, listen, I’m about to win this round, can you check to see if “Kennedy” is included?
Anonymous
Customer: My dear, there’s a long line at the post office, and I only want a stamp for this letter. Do you have one I could buy from you?
Bookseller: No, I’m sorry, I don’t.
Customer: Well then, perhaps you could go and stand in the line for me? You’re a lot younger than me; your legs can handle it.
Bookseller: I’m afraid not—I’m running this bookstore by myself, so I can’t leave.
Customer: I’ll keep an eye on it for you.
Bookse
ller: No, I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that; I’d get in a lot of trouble.
Customer: Well. You’ve been extremely unhelpful. (she storms out)
Dear Sirs,
I am writing to see if you have any positions available at your bookstore. I really love your store, and the personalized service I get from you when I’ve been in previously. Your store is one dear to my heart.
I have attached my résumé.
Best,
(someone who CC’d this email to every bookstore in the city)
(Man enters bookstore smoking a cigarette)
Bookseller: Excuse me?
Man: Yes?
Bookseller: Could you put that cigarette out, please?
Man: Why?
Bookseller: Because it’s illegal to smoke in a public place.
Man: This isn’t a public place; there’s only you and me here.
Bookseller: Yes, well, it’s still a public place. And, apart from anything else, this store is rather flammable.
Man: Why?
Bookseller: … because it’s filled with paper.
Man: Is it?
Customer (via email): Please, I would like to know if this book has any mildew smell. If not, I will order it as soon as possible. I have one copy but I don’t like the smell. Thank you.
Customer: I called earlier about Slaughterhouse Five for my class?
Bookseller: Yes. I have a copy here for you.
Customer: Okay, thanks. What’s your return policy?
Bookseller: … Why?
Customer: Because I only need it for, like, a week.
Lillian Clark
The Second Story, Laramie, WY
Customer (poking her head round the door, glancing at our 18 × 18 foot bookstore):
Do you have a café in here?
Bookseller: No, I’m afraid we don’t.
Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores Page 3