Bookseller: That’s why it’s called The Children’s Bookstore.
Customer: Oh, I thought maybe it was someone’s last name.
Emma Casale
The Children’s Bookstore, Baltimore, MD
Customer: You have maps?
Bookseller: Yes, we do. Road maps?
Customer: Yes.
Bookseller: We have old ones, and new ones, over here.
Customer: I need map to the south coast.
Bookseller (has a look): I’m not sure we have a specific southeast map. We have a road map, though, which has a map of the southeast in it.
Customer: No. I walk.
Bookseller: You’re walking?
Customer: Yes.
Bookseller: To the coast?
Customer: Yes.
Bookseller: That’s very very far.
Customer: It’s five miles, yes?
Bookseller: No. It’s about eighty miles.
Customer: You point me in the right direction?
Bookseller: I don’t know which way it is from here.
Customer: Ok. I follow the smell of the sea.
Customer: Did I leave my bicycle in here?
Man (looking at a giant map on the wall of the store): When did they move New Zealand way down by Australia? Wasn’t it in Europe before?
Bookseller: …
Christopher Sheedy
Re: Reading, Toronto, ON
Customer (on noticing Nicola Morgan’s “Write to be Published” advertisement in front of the desk): A book on how to get published?
Bookseller: Yes. Nicola’s fabulous.
Customer: Is it about self-publishing?
Bookseller: Nicola focuses mainly on mainstream publishing.
Customer: Oh, I’ve written that kind of book myself.
Bookseller: Have you?
Customer: Yeah. I self-published it. It isn’t selling as well as I thought it would.
Customer: Oh wow, this bookstore is lovely!
Bookseller: Thank you.
Customer: I was in a bakery just like it the other day.
Bookseller: …
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Hello?
Customer: Are you ok?
Bookseller: Excuse me?
Customer: Is the bookstore ok?
Bookseller: Yes… the bookstore’s fine, thank you.
Customer: Really? I heard that something terrible had happened.
Bookseller: … As far as I’m aware, we’re all fine.
Customer: Oh. Well, I got home from work to find a note from my daughter saying that there’d been a series of unfortunate events in the bookstore, and that I should call you about it.
Bookseller: Oh! No. You ordered Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. You can come and pick it up whenever you’re free.
Customer: … Oh! Well, thank goodness for that.
Pam Price
Book Shop of Beverly Farms, Beverly Farms, MA
Customer: Do you bother to arrange your books at all, or are they just plonked places?
Bookseller: They’re in alphabetical order…
Customer: Oh.
Customer: If I give you these three paperbacks, will you sell them and give the money to charity?
Bookseller: We’re not a charity bookstore.
Customer: Oh. Where does your money go to?
Bookseller: … It goes towards keeping us in business.
Customer: Someone should have taught that Shakespeare guy how to spell. I mean, am I right, or am I right?
Customer: Do you have any piano sheet music, but for guitars?
Bookseller: You mean, do I have sheet music for guitars?
Customer: Yes.
Customer: Oh, sorry. I thought you were the post office…. You’re not, are you?
Customer: Do you sell dictionaries?
Bookseller: Sure. What kind of dictionary are you looking for?
Customer: One with all the words.
Charles Miller
Quiet Man Bookshop, Cresco, PA
Customer (to her friend, upon opening a copy of The Lord of the Rings): Oh, look, this one’s got a map in the front.
Customer’s friend: Oh yeah. Where’s it of?
Customer: Mor… Mor-dor.
Customer friend: Oh. Where’s that then?
Customer: Hi, I just wanted to check: are you a bookstore, or are you a library?
Bookseller: … We’re a bookstore.
Customer: You should probably have a sign saying that somewhere; it’s confusing.
Bookseller: We have a big sign outside that says “Ripping Yarns Bookstore.”
Customer: Yes, well, that’s ambivalent, isn’t it?
Bookseller: It is?
Customer: It’s amazing, isn’t it, how little we really know about writers’ lives? Especially the old ones.
Bookseller: I guess the lives of writers have changed a lot.
Customer: Yes. And don’t forget about those women who used to write under male names.
Bookseller: Yes, like George Eliot.
Customer: I always thought Charles Dickens was probably a woman.
Bookseller: … I’m pretty sure Charles Dickens was a man.
Customer: But who’s to say?
Bookseller: Well, he was pretty prominent in society; lots of people saw him.
Customer: But maybe that was all a show—maybe that was her brother, while Charlene was at home, writing.
Bookseller: …
Customer: You should consider arranging your books by size and color.
Bookseller: But then no one would be able to find anything.
Customer: Well, that doesn’t matter. It’d look pretty.
Customer (on the phone): Can you tell me how to get to your bookstore?
Bookseller: Sure—where are you coming from?
Customer: My house.
Deena O’Daniel
Barnes & Noble Sunset Valley, Austin, TX
Customer: You know, if you put boxes of books outside you’d attract a lot more customers.
Bookseller: … it’s snowing outside right now.
Customer: Can books conduct electricity?
BOOKS FOR KINDLING
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Hello?
Customer: Hi. I was wondering if you could help me. I’m looking for a book for my niece. She’s six and I’ve no idea what to buy her.
Bookseller: Sure. What kinds of things is she into?
Customer: I don’t really know. I don’t see her very often—my sister lives abroad.
Bookseller: Ok, what’s her name?
Customer: Sophie.
Bookseller: Ah, well, have you considered the Dick King Smith Sophie series? There’s even a book called Sophie’s Six.
Customer: Ok, sure, that sounds like a good idea.
Bookseller: Do you want me to double check that we have those in stock? I’m pretty sure we do.
Customer: No, it’s ok. I’m just going to order them online.
Bookseller: But… we just gave you the recommendation.
Customer: I know, and I appreciate it. It’s such a pain Amazon doesn’t have a function for that. But I know I can rely on you guys for advice.
Bookseller: …
Customer: I’m from out of town. Can I recharge my Kindle here?
Tom Campbell
The Regulator Bookshop, Durham, NC
Customer: Do you sell any books with instructions for how to use my Kindle?
Carolyn Hutton
A Great Good Place for Books, Oakland, CA
Customer (while walking up to the counter): Wow! I didn’t realize books were still so popular!
Bookseller: …
Anonymous
Customer: I just don’t like my Kindle. I like real books. They are like cozy blankets to me.
Mary Jane Reed
G. J. Ford Bookshop, St. Simons, GA
Customer: Hello, I’d like a copy of The Water Babies, with n
ice illustrations. But I don’t want to pay a lot of money for it, so could you show me what editions you have so I can look at them, and then I can go and find one online?
Bookseller: Can I help you find something?
Customer: No, I have an e-reader. I’m just here to get ideas and see what’s new.
Anonymous
Customer: So where do all these books come from? Do you get them from Amazon?
Leslie Hawkins
Spellbound Children’s Bookshop, Asheville, NC
Customer (inclining her head): How are you guys doing?
Bookseller: Oh, we’re clinging on.
Customer: Oh you poor dears, it’s this Kindle!
Bookseller: Well, really, it’s the supermarkets making people think that books aren’t worth paying money for.
Customer: I hadn’t thought of it like that. It is terrible, isn’t it?
(five minutes later)
Customer: How much is this book?
Bookseller: That’s $10.
Customer: Could I have it for $5?
Customer: Do you guys sell used e-books?
Bookseller (laughing): No…
Customer (angrily): Why not?
Kat Bailey
Bookshop Santa Cruz, Santa Cruz, CA
Customer: Can I return an e-book I bought from another bookstore to you?
Kate Weiss-Duncan
Penguin Bookshop, Sewickley, PA
Customer: Hi.
Bookseller: Hi there, how can I help?
Customer: Could you please explain Kindle to me.
Bookseller: Sure. It’s an e-reader, which means you download books and read them on a small hand-held computer.
Customer: Oh, ok, I see. So … this Kindle. Are the books on that paperback or hardback?
THE ADULT SECTION
Fifteen-year-old boy: Do you have a book that will help me hook up with slutty girls?
Anonymous
Customer: Do you stock Nigella Lawson under “sex” or “cooking”?
Bookseller: It’s a tough call, isn’t it?
Customer: Do you have a restricted section?
Customer: Do you keep the pornography in the photography section?
Customer: Do you have any pop-up books on sex education?
Elderly Gentleman: Hello, do you have any books on sex?
Bookseller: I think we have a couple, yes.
Elderly Gentleman: Excellent. I’ve had a hip replacement, and I wasn’t sure how long I had to wait, you see.
Bookseller: … Right.
Elderly Gentleman: I bet you could look it up on that computer there, though, couldn’t you?
Bookseller: … I suppose I could, if I needed to.
Elderly Gentleman: Excellent thing, the internet.
(Picks up a biography of actress Helen Mirren)
Customer: Jesus! Helen Mirren has huge boobs!
Housing Works Used Bookstore, New York, NY
Customer: Hi, do you have that sperm cookbook?
Bookseller: No.
Customer: That’s a shame; I really wanted to try it. Have you tried it?
Bookseller: I have not.
Customer: Do you have a book that lists aphrodisiacs? I’ve got a date on Friday.
Customer: Do you have a nature section? I’m looking for a nature guide, you know, for places to go.
Bookseller: Sure, our nature section is just down here.
Customer: No, sorry, not nature—naturist.
Bookseller: Oh!
Customer: Do you have any comics where the women have really big breasts? It’s… er… it’s for an art project.
Customer: Do you have a, er… a back room?
Bookseller: You mean a store room?
Customer: Ah, a store room. Ok. Yes.
Bookseller: Yes, we have a store room..
Customer: I’d like to (wink) buy something (wink) from your store room.
Bookseller: Excuse me?
Customer: Oh, right, you’ve got a buzz word, haven’t you? A password?
Bookseller: I think you’re mistaken. I think you’re thinking of somewhere else.
Customer: Oh. Really?
Bookseller: Yes. I think you should leave now.
Customer: Oh. (moves away)
(Customer comes back two minutes later)
Customer: Just to clarify: I was asking for drugs and you were saying you’re not that kind of place, right?
Bookseller: That’s right.
Customer: Ok, thanks.
Pause
Customer: Could you recommend—
Bookseller: No.
Customer: Ok, ok… Thanks.
Bookseller: You’re welcome.
Customer: Bye, then.
Bookseller: Goodbye.
Customer: Very nice bookstore.
Bookseller: Thank you.
Customer: I need a two-minute contemporary monologue that like takes place in a courtroom and is about like dying from venereal disease.
Bookseller: Well, that does not exist. But you can commission me to write it.
Customer: No, it needs to be contemporary.
Theresa Buchheister
Drama Book Shop, New York, NY
(Customer buying the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy)
Customer: Do you sell batteries?
Gina Martindelcampo
Sparta Books, Sparta, NJ
Daughter: Dad, will you buy me that book?
Dad: Which book?
Daughter: Fifty Shades of Grey.
Dad: No!
Daughter: Please?
Dad: No!
Mom: I have it, I’ll lend it to you.
Dad (in the tone of one deeply betrayed): Why do you have it?
Mom (calmly): It was for the neighborhood book club.
Daughter: Nevermind.
Anonymous
HIGHER POWERS
Customer: Do you have any books on star signs?
Bookseller: Yes, our esoteric section is over here.
Customer: Good, thanks. It’s just I really need to check mine—I have this overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to happen.
Customer: Do you have any books on the dark arts?
Bookseller: … No.
Customer: Do you have any idea where I could find some?
Bookseller: Why don’t you try Knockturn Alley?
Customer: Where’s that?
Bookseller: Oh, the center of London.
Customer: Thanks, I’ll keep my eyes peeled for it.
Customer: Do you have any books on the story of Easter?
Bookseller: I’m sure we do, yes.
Customer: Excellent. Something with lots of baby roosters and rabbits would be great, thanks.
Customer: Do you have any books on flying?
Bookseller: Sure, the aviation section is right over here.
Customer: No, man, I can already levitate; I need to know how to fly.
Bookseller: You can levitate?
Customer: I’m doing it right now. My shoes are hollow, so it looks like I’m standing on the ground.
Anonymous
(Customer ordered a nineteenth-century book, claimed it was in terrible condition, which it wasn’t, sent the book back in only a paper bag, with pieces of paper stuck to the pages that showed photographs. The spine was broken, as though he’d put said book on a photocopier, copied the images he’d marked and posted the book back to to the bookstore—never intending to keep it in the first place. The booksellers reported this to ABE.
ABE books gave the booksellers the money to repair the book, and refunded the buyer with a strong warning.)
Several very rude emails ensued with choice phrases such as:
Customer: You will not forget this transaction. Every time an event goes wrong in your life, you will remember karma… I am a prophet and I bring you this message in the name of Jesus Christ.
A few weeks later, the customer posted a letter-size envelope to the bookstore stuffed with pamphle
ts on how to recognize the devil within themselves.
Customer: Do you have a religious section?
Bookseller: Sure, it’s just over here.
Customer: You’ve got Richard Dawkins’s books here, next to copies of the Bible.
Bookseller: That section is for all kinds of books relating to religion.
Customer: I hope you know that’s a sin. And you will go to hell.
Customer (holding a copy of Stephen King’s Carrie): Does this guy write horror books?
Bookseller: Yes.
Customer: Well, I need you to move it to a different section.
Bookseller: Sorry—was it misshelved?
Customer: No, it was in horror, but I need it to go to a different area. My pastor says we should never read horror novels.
Bookseller: … oh.
(Bookseller moves the book. Customer buys it.)
Ann Salisbury
Bienville Books, Mobile, AL
(Man approaches bookseller and attempts to start a conversation with her about religion)
Bookseller: I’m sorry, sir, but I try to make a point of not discussing religion with customers.
Customer: Oh. I just thought you seemed like a nice girl, and I don’t want you to go to Hell.
Bookseller: …
Lillian Clark
The Second Story, Laramie, WY
Customer: Who wrote the Bible? I can’t remember.
Customer’s friend: Jesus.
Customer: I saw The Passion of the Christ this weekend and somebody told me there was a book about it. Do you have it?
Bookseller: You mean a book the movie was based on?
Customer: Yes. I didn’t see it on any of your displays.
Bookseller: Sir, the movie was based on the Bible.
Customer: The Bible?
Bookseller: Yes, sir.
Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores Page 5