2 Color Me A Crime

by Tonya Kappes

  A couple of bucks ought to do it. I take out a few dollars and put it in the honesty cup on the coffee bar. I make Linda’s precious cup of coffee, adding an extra cube of sugar. She needs a little more genuine sweetness in her personality and two cubes won’t cut it.

  I hit the redial on my phone while walking back to Color Me Love.

  “Hello?” Isla answers. I swear I can detect a little bit of annoyance.

  “Isla, I lost you. Did you go through a tunnel?” I do enjoy toying with some of the clients. After all, who goes through the trouble of using an online breakup service to dump someone? Good for me. It makes a great living.

  “No.” She blows her nose into the phone. “I hung up.”

  Rude!

  “I’m glad we got that out of the way.” Erin meets me at the back door and takes Felicia’s coffee. She gives me the look. She knows exactly what I’m doing. “Now let’s get on with it. JR said that you make him get man waxed. Is that right?”

  “Man waxed?” Erin laughs and points up to the front. “Aura.”

  I nod and mouth ‘I know.’ I can already tell Erin that Felicia is high maintenance and has her claws out, ready to snag a wealthy guy.

  “How did you know this?” Isla is in the defensive stage of “The Process.” Only four more stages to go. And I thought she was going to be an easy one. They never are.

  I look out the mirror and see Aunt Matilda hunched over Felicia and I snicker. Aunt Matilda is pulling out all the stops today by wearing her best headscarf dangling to the side. Fringe and all. I smile at my psychic aunt.

  “JR put it on his application he filled out when he hired me to break up with you.” Isla’s picture JR sent was taken in front of a lake house. Her bikini body, I’m positive, doesn’t have one hair on it. “What is a man wax anyway?”

  The sound of it makes my follicles hurt. What kind of man lets a woman do that to him?

  “Listen, I want my man to look good and he should take pride in that.” All of a sudden, her nose clears and her inner diva immerges. A mental image of her, shaking her head to the left and the right pops into my head. “If he is going to be with me, then he needs to look good.”

  “Guess what? He doesn’t want to be with you and he wants to be hairy.” That is my clue to hammer it home. “Do you understand JR is breaking up with you?”

  I have to have the yes. Say yes, I tap the picture.

  “Listen. There is nothing wrong with wanting my man to look good.” She speaks in a matter-of-fact tone.

  “Isla?” It’s time to put an end to this. She is a conceited little thing.

  “And if he is going to wear flip-flops, he needs his feet pedicured.”

  “Isla?” I try to interrupt her.

  “And he should thank me for making his gorilla back go away.” She spews like a volcano.

  “Isla!” I scream into the little mic of the ear buds. Erin shoots me a look from the other side of the one-way. “There are two people in this conversation, you and me.”

  “You know what?” Isla questions me about what I know and what I don’t know.

  “What, Isla?” There’s no sense in trying to get a word in; she’s only going to interrupt me.

  “He can’t groom himself. He can’t dress himself. He can’t even break up with me himself.” Her voice is reasonable, which makes me think we are near the end of this call.

  “Well, you are right. So I’m breaking up with you for him for the low-low price of fifty dollars because he doesn’t look good and you do.” This needs to speed up. I’m going to have to slam her into a brick wall. Erin and Aunt Matilda are almost done with their assessment of Linda and I’d better be done with mine before she walks out that front door.

  “I do look good. And I deserve someone who does.”

  “Yes you do.” Here goes nothing. “Isla, do you understand that JR is using Splitsville.com to break up with you?”

  “Yes!” She screams and slams down the phone. I guess it’s her way of getting back at me. I pluck the earpiece out of my ear and quickly type JR an email that the deed has been done, pleasure doing business with you, and let your hairy freak flag fly.

  Chapter Two

  “Well?” Erin walks into my office and picks up the client checklist. The checklist that I didn’t bother writing anything on about Linda.

  “Well, what?” I play dumb, and don’t look at her. I did promise to keep both jobs separated, but since Color Me Love has become such a successful business, the cliental has soared, leaving me little time to make the dumps on Splitsville.com.

  And it is successful thanks to me. I’m the reason behind all the twenty-five successful couples Color Me Love has paired in the last three months.

  There are a lot of people trying to break up with each other, but who knew how successful matching them would turn out to be.

  “Did you get Linda’s love color?” Erin holds the sheet up in front of me. “Obviously not.”

  Meekly, I shy away.

  “Olivia?” She shakes the paper. “You didn’t fill anything out.”

  “I’m sorry, Erin.” I take the paper and pick up the pen next to my computer. “It’s just that I’m so overwhelmed with dumps that I had to bring my Splitsville.com files with me today. Isla was a very important dump.” I jot down a few notes on Linda’s profile sheet to make Erin somewhat happy. “If Linda had been on time and not early, the two jobs would have never conflicted.”

  “I made arrangements for her to come early.” Erin looks over my shoulder, glancing at the sheet. “I didn’t think you saw anything.”

  “I saw plenty.” Which is the truth. From the moment Linda walked into Color Me Love, her aura colors completely clashed with the bright yellow sundress she was wearing.

  “What color is she?”

  I turn the paper over and draw an outline of a body with six balloons around it. I write a different color in each balloon.

  “What is that?” Erin’s nose curls, causing a corner of her lips to lift in an Elvis sort of way.

  “I read auras; I never claimed to be an artist.” I roll my eyes and point to the picture. “This is Linda.” I grab the yellow highlighter out of my bag and fill in what I hope looks like a sundress, but far from it. It looks more like a yellow triangle. “Felicia is one of those hard to please women and will never really be satisfied.”

  Granted, a person’s aura colors change with the tide, but the two colors closest to their physical body are their true colors.

  “She’s a green.” I write green on the balloon closest to her body. “These other colors are about what she was feeling at the time she walked into Color Me Love.” I put a checkmark next to the red, blue, and violet. “Plus she has a few undertones which we won’t worry about.”

  “Green is good?” There is a little apprehension in Erin’s voice.

  “Not here it isn’t.” I pull out my little aura chart I had created for Erin when she decided to open Color Me Love.

  Aunt Matilda gasps. All her rings bang up against each other as she plants her hand across her open mouth, her bangles jingle down to her elbow.

  “What?” Erin cries out.

  “She’s going to be a tough one to match up.” Aunt Matilda’s blue painted eyelids almost pop off her face. “Aura dating might be the new big thing, but you have to keep in mind that we are not going to be able to match everyone. This one is not good.” Aunt Matilda’s eyes drop, casting a shadow down her checks.

  Believe it or not, aura reading is becoming very popular in the matchmaking field. Especially in older adults. Recently, I read an article about how someone later in life is more open to aura dating because they’ve been around the block a time or two and don’t feel like going around that block anymore. They also claim they can have a deeper connection with their aura mate and a better understanding of one another.

  Hell, sounds good to me, so we ran with it.

  “What do you mean not good?” Erin has a way of emphasizing words she doesn’t
seem to understand.

  Aunt Matilda nudges me. Even though she’s a retired palm reader and read Linda’s palm, she isn’t going to give Erin any bad news. She leaves the down and dirty work to me.

  I point to the green aura on the chart. “Green means money. Donald Trump and Bill Gates are both greens. They have drive and ambition.”

  Erin smiles with a glowing satisfaction in her eyes. “That’s great!”

  “No. No, it’s not.” I point to the chart. “Green doesn’t get along with many people other than violets. They are intrigued with violets because violets are here to shift the earth. They are visionaries. With the violets’ dreams, greens can take their money and turn the dream into a very lucrative reality, leaving the violets in the dust.”

  Erin slowly nods, lifting her brow. “What about a yellow? We seem to get a lot of yellows.”

  “NO!” I raise my brows. “They are the worse combination. Most men are yellows because they are little kids and they don’t like to be told what to do or be controlled.”

  “Oh.” Erin plops down in the seat. “So we can’t help her?”

  “I’m not saying we can’t fix her up on a few dates. I’m saying it’s going to be hard to make a perfect match.” I look for Linda’s file on my desk, but can’t find it. “Where is her file?”

  “Right here.” Erin has it underneath her arm. She hands it to me.

  “What does she do? Maybe we can fix her up with someone in her field.” I open up her file and run my finger down the profile page. My mouth drops. “Are you kidding me?”

  Erin’s laugh echoes throughout the building. “Nope.” She laughs harder. Her crystal aura turns into a goldish orange. It is reassuring to see she’s enjoying her life after her struggle to understand the death of her parents. It’s been a long road. But we’ve managed to travel it together.

  “Porn star?” No wonder Linda’s aura is like the rainbow. “Who in the hell is going to want to go out with a porn star?”

  “Who doesn’t?” Erin has a point. “And she not just a porn star. She is the one and only Linda Minx.”

  “Linda Minx?” My mouth drops. “The world is in trouble if Linda Minx can’t get a date.”

  I rack my brain for a few of the potential suitors on Erin’s list. Once a month, Erin has a mixer next door at The Coffee Shop. There is no alcohol involved, because we all know where beer googles can take us and that is a path Color Me Love isn’t willing to go down.

  During the mixers, I assess each potential suitor’s aura by hiding in the kitchen and looking through the swinging door’s glass leading out into the coffee shop. I make notes about how compatible the auras are. After the mixer, I enter my aura readings into the Color Me Love database. We then go through them and handpick the best two. We set up the date and voila! A match has been made.

  Then it’s up to the Universe to do the rest. You know…the fireworks, and all that lovey mushy crap.

  Unfortunately, it’s hard to set a woman with a green aura up with almost any man. Felicia is too powerful for her own good.

  Curiosity gets to me and I have to see what a porn-star gets paid, so I flip to the salary section of profile. “Holy crap! She makes one-million-dollars per film for taking her clothes off?”

  I run my hands down my slender frame, realizing I’m completely in the wrong business when it comes to income.

  “Not just taking her clothes off.” Erin points out that Felicia…Linda…has, in fact, starred in some of the biggest porn movies, all of which I have never heard of. And has appeared in numerous naughty magazines.

  “Let’s get on her the website.” I open my laptop and type in Linda Minx’s URL. “Why does she go by Linda Minx?”

  “That is her stage name. She told me she didn’t want her suitors to know what she does for a living until they were a perfect fit.”

  “Yea, in more ways than one. No pun intended.” I laugh at my own joke and click on all sorts of tabs. Tabs I wish I hadn’t. “Ewww.”

  Felicia, aka Linda Minx, is in a few compromising positions I don’t think a snake can accomplish.

  “Turn it off! Turn it off!” Erin hides her face behind her hands. “I’ll never be able to look at Felicia the same way ever again.”

  Erin leaves me to enter in and finish Felicia’s profile. The client has to answer some specific questions about themselves and their potential mate, along with pictures of themselves. Felicia doesn’t include her Linda Minx persona in any of them.

  The shots of her in a one-piece bathing suit make me laugh. If she is so successful, I wonder why she’s embarrassed of her job. Didn’t porn stars have admirers? Why would Felicia need to be set up?

  Those were questions for Erin to ask her. I only read the client’s auras, unbeknownst to them. And they are telling.

  Chapter Three

  “I have an idea.” I blush, wondering how well Erin’s going to take my brilliant idea. Seems brilliant to me anyway.

  “Spill!” Erin’s excitement is going to be short lived.

  “What about Orange Buddy.” I quickly type in his information in the computer. “You know, William Mac.”

  Of course, I am not good enough for him due to the fact that I drive a beat up Toyota, wear Target bought clothes with cowboy boots instead of spiky heels, and do not have the large tits, which is a requirement he put on his Color Me Love application.

  "Now I know you have lost your mind, Olivia Davis.” Exhausted and let down, Erin sits down in the chair and puts her head in her hands.

  “Hear me out.” I pull up Buddy’s profile page on the computer and tap it with my finger. “He is all about money and looks. She’ll be perfect for him.”

  Slowly, Erin lifts her head.

  “I don’t know.” Aunt Matilda’s bangles jingle when she shakes her head. “This is not sitting well with me. This whole situation has a whole lot of stink. I say we leave these two to figure out their own fate.”

  Erin and I both ignore Aunt Matilda’s psychic ability. After all, she is eighty-five years old and I have no doubt that her psychic gift is starting to wane.

  Erin looks back and forth between Aunt Matilda and me.

  “What do we have to lose?” I shrug.

  “Umm…I don’t know.” She bites the side of her lip.

  Erin had gotten an ear full from Buddy when the blind date she set us up on didn’t work out. I was someone he didn’t ask for. He wanted voluptuous, big boobs, big hair and easy. None of these describes me and my straight blonde hair, green eyes, and size B’s, not to mention no curves what-so-ever.

  “Think about it.” My eyes widen, preparing myself. I am really going to have to sell her on this one. “He would love Felicia’s type. Especially her enhanced features.” I stick my hands out in front of my chest and make air boobies.

  Standing up, I throw my bag and long blonde hair behind my shoulders and seductively walk back and forth in the office, doing my best Linda Minx impression. “Darling, I love a man who is big and strong.” I make pretend muscles.

  So it isn’t a great impression, but from the look of her internet porn site, I’m sure I’m not too far off the mark.

  “Scary,” Erin says, choking from her laughter.

  “I sound like her, right?” I laugh. Aunt Matilda’s face is stone cold. She is not one bit entertained.

  “No. But you’d make a great porn star if none of your other jobs work out.”

  “You better not, Olivia Davis.” Aunt Matilda warns me and shakes her finger near my nose.

  “This is a way to get rid of Orange Buddy and Felicia.” I assure her.

  “You’re right.” She eyes me suspiciously. “You call her and tell her.”

  “Chicken!” I spit back and pick up the phone. “You’re a big chicken.”

  The quicker we get this taken care of, the faster both of these clients are out of our lives.

  Before I punch in Felicia’s number, I reach in my bag for my vibrating cell.

  “Hi!” I smile w
hen I see Joel’s name on the screen. I try not to sound too school girlish, but I can’t help it.

  Joel was one of the first suitors Erin had interviewed for her first client, which happened to be me. I had no clue Erin was trying to set me up, hence Orange Buddy. I had just come off a breakup with the only blue aura man that had ever caught me and stolen my heart.

  Bradley.

  See where that got me…alone. Bradley ran the local SPCA, and when it shut down, so did Bradley’s job. He transferred across the country to run a different SPCA.

  We tried to make it work, or at least I did. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for a man with a blue aura. Carl, Park City’s police chief, offered me a job reading the auras of criminals, but I turned it down so I could follow Bradley across the country. I had Splitsville.com, and it is run entirely through the internet, so I had a job, but I didn’t have Erin or Aunt Matilda.

  After two weeks of living in the land of love, I packed my old Toyota and Herbie, my dog and I and drove back to Park City. My heart just isn’t complete without Erin and Aunt Matilda.

  Bradley and I didn’t fight; we just knew it wasn’t going to work out with me hundreds of miles away from home. So we amicably parted ways, and I haven’t heard from him since. Which gave Erin the go-ahead to set me up. Plus, I was Color Me Love’s first client.

  And it’s turning out great so far…with Joel.

  “How are you this morning?” He asks.

  I picture his stunning blue eyes watching a big stakeout; unfortunately, it is a dream. There is definitely no big stakeout in Park City, unless the local Cattle Club is having a steak grill out.

  “I’m great.” Of course, I leave out the situation with Felicia and Buddy. Joel knows I work for Erin, but he doesn’t know about my gift, or about Jenn from Splitsville.com.

  It’s a little too early in the dating game and I don’t want to scare him off.