2 Color Me A Crime

by Tonya Kappes

  Jealous.

  Deep down I wish I could run over and have Joel rub me. I’m sure my butt would wag too.

  “I heard him barking, so I thought you might be back here. I know how much you love him.” He walks over; his blue aura trails closely behind. I try to zero in on his sparkling green eyes so I won’t faint. The lines on the edge of his eyes appear as the smile crosses his face. “You look like you are ready for the hoedown.”

  “I’m ready.” I do my best little do-se-do. “I’ll be right back.”

  He follows on my heels.

  Crap. There is no way I want him to follow me into the house. The clothes I had picked up earlier were just moved to another spot.

  “Can you watch Herbie while I go in to get my bag?” I slip into the back door before he can answer, and make a silent promise to myself to really work harder at keeping my house from being so cluttered.

  The last thing I want him to do is stage an intervention on that show Hoarders. Listen, I’m busy breaking hearts and healing hearts. That seems like better use of my time then cleaning.

  Luckily, my bag is sitting on the counter. I grab it and open the door just enough for Herbie to rush in.

  “Be good.” I bend down and scratch Herbie behind the ears. “I promise I will take you for a long walk tomorrow morning.”

  I live for Saturday. Even though I have a day full of dumps, I know I will enjoy my weekly home-cooked meal with Aunt Matilda, Erin, and best guy-friend Michael.

  “I’m ready.” I shut the back door behind me and lock it.

  “Great.” Joel extends his hand for me to take it. He peers at me intently. “Aunt Jill is going to be happy to see you. She wants you to help her make the banana nut bread.”

  “Absolutely.” I smile and remember the good time I had with his aunt the day I fainted at Heifers and Ho’s.

  When I came to, I could smell banana nut bread, which is one of Aunt Matilda’s specialties. I wasn’t in any shape to immediately drive home, so I went into the kitchen with Jill to watch her cook for all the customers that were staying at the dude ranch.

  I had told her about Aunt Matilda’s amazing secret ingredient, nutmeg, and Jill let me make the bread with the secret ingredient. I had never made bread in that quantity before, but the customers devoured it.

  “How was work?” Joel asks, and reaches over to hold my hand while he drives.

  “A success. As a matter of fact, we had a couple completely skip the mixer and go straight on a date.” Buddy had emailed back saying he had called Rainbow Bright…er…Porn queen Linda Minx, and they decided to go straight on a date instead of mingling at the mixer Erin would have hosted in their honor. I dare not tell him about the dumps, my split personality, or even my gift of reading auras. “How was yours?”

  “There is absolutely nothing happening in Park City.” He lets go of my hand and makes the turn onto the dirt road and underneath the Heifer’s and Ho’s sign. The antlers attached to the skull on the old wooden sign always creeps me out. The hollow eyes give me a knot in the pit of my stomach.

  He pulls the off-duty police car into the residential garage, which is way better than parking in the makeshift lots in the muddy fields that are already full.

  Off in the distance I can see the lantern style lights twinkling throughout the wooded area that is specifically marked off for the big event.

  The band breaks the night silence by encouraging the crowd to grab their partner and head to the dance floor.

  “I guess they are calling for us.” He helps me out of the car and we head into the back of the lodge.

  “I’m so glad to see you.” Jill wipes her hands on her apron and gives me a big hug and then points to the big bottle of nutmeg on the island counter top. “I’m about ready for the secret ingredient.”

  “Perfect.” I move out of the way of the waiting staff as they come in and grab big foil trays of bar-b-que and coleslaw. It looks like Jill has it all covered, right down to the banana nut bread.

  We pull up our sleeves and dig in until all the loaves are in the ovens.

  “I can take it from here.” Jill cleans up the mess. “You two go have fun.”

  We don’t wait around. My stomach is growling and I’m dying to taste the bar-b-que and a big piece of banana nut bread for dessert when they come out of the oven.

  “Everything is so beautiful,” I whisper, looking out at the transpired pasture. The last time I was here, in this very spot, there were a slew of cattle grazing and pooping. But not tonight.

  Up close, the white lanterns were all different shapes and sizes and the picnic tables have checkered tablecloths with a cowboy boot filled to the rim with mums as the centerpieces.

  “I’ll take that.” I grab a barbecue basket off the tray of a passing waiter. Joel follows suit and grabs one for himself. He gestures toward an empty table in the front near the band and we rush over before someone takes it.

  “This looks and smells so good.” Joel whispers, and leans closer.

  “Yes, it does,” I say nervously and lean slightly away. For some reason I feel a little awkward and out of place. I’ve never been a big fan of PDA (public display of affection), but blue auras are an exception.

  “I meant you.” Joel doesn’t seem to mind that I backed away a little and it doesn’t stop him from placing his hand on the back of my neck. His lips, soft and sweet, send chills up my spine and a bright orange aura surrounds him.

  My eyes spring open to take in the glow. Fear and fright make my heart drop, thinking that Joel really isn’t the blue that I thought him to be.

  With his lips touching mine, I squint my eyes several times and when they finally focus, they settle on the man that is sitting at the table behind us with his back to us.

  “Oh no!” I gasp, searching for air. Cough, cough. I throw my hands in the air like Aunt Matilda has always told me to do when I start coughing so I won’t choke and die.

  “Are you okay?” Joel jumps up and starts pounding my back like he’s doing some sort of Heimlich. I hope Joel is doing it wrong because he missed the Heimlich training Park City police department put on, because he certainly is going to break my back from not performing it correctly.

  Heave, heave. My airway constricts as I try to suck in air. But I know it’s the shock that I have just encountered.

  Orange Buddy.

  Chapter Seven

  “Yep, she’s coming to.” A familiar voice rings in my ear.

  My fluttering eyes open, but I quickly shut them when all the auras standing over me collide into one big mess of colors. With my eyes closed, I recall what had happened before I had passed out.

  Damn, damn, damn. I should have known that Orange Buddy would bring Felicia Evans to the hoedown at the dude ranch. After all, it is the place he met me when we went on our blind date.

  Problem is though, Orange Buddy only knows me as Jenn, his blind date, but Felicia knows as Olivia from Color Me Love. If the two of them put two and two together, I am dead. Not really, but it isn’t the way I want Joel to find out about me being the Jenn that stood him up and the Olivia that showed up.

  Joel and Buddy had both filled out applications for a match, and Erin thought they were going to be perfect for me.

  Joel walked in as I was doing my aura reading and I fainted right there in his blue aura arms. When Erin told me the super-secret client couldn’t show up for her dates with either Buddy or Joel, she sent me as a decoy with the client’s first name, Jenn.

  Luckily, I am used to playing Jenn from Splitsville.com, so it was easy to pull off. Only Joel met me as Olivia when he was in Color Me Love. So on his blind date with Jenn, I went in as Olivia who just happened to run into him, knowing he was going to be there waiting for Jenn.

  As you can see, it completely worked out in my favor with Joel, and not so well with Buddy. I never told Joel about the blind date with Buddy, nor the fact that I, Olivia, was the Jenn he was originally set up with. It’s all so complicated and nothing I nee
d to worry Joel about.

  Thank goodness, Erin is my best friend and I forgave her. But here I am with Orange Buddy who thinks my name is Jenn and we had a terrible blind date, and in the other corner we have Joel and Porn-Diva Felicia Evans who both know me as my real name, Olivia.

  This is not a good situation to be in. For a moment, I think that I probably should have told Joel the truth from the beginning. But with Erin deceiving both of us, plus my matchmaking skill of reading auras and the breakup service, I’m sure he would go running toward the hills.

  Besides, I don’t plan on Buddy and Felicia being in our lives for much longer.

  “Back up.” Joel’s voice booms out. “Give her some breathing space.”

  Slightly, I open my eyes, and through the little slits the stars are as bright as day dotting the sky. No other auras around but a little hint of blue out of the corner of my eye.

  “Can we go inside?” I ask.

  Joel helps me stand and get steady on my feet before he lets go of me. With my head down, to make sure I don’t see any auras that include green Felicia Evans and Orange Buddy, I let Joel lead the way.

  “You really need to go get your blood pressure checked or something.” Joel said as we walk up the steps to the lodge. “There is something off balance.”

  “About that…” I think it’s time to come clean.

  “Olivia! Yoo-hoo! Olivia!” The scream is shrill and dominates as it rushes through the dark night air.

  Joel stops and looks around. I keep climbing the steps hoping that my mind is playing tricks on me.

  “Olivia, someone is yelling for you.” Joel points and I follow his finger to the green orb rushing toward us.

  Slow down, I plead in my mind watching Felicia’s not-so-subtle breasts bounce up and down in the too tight, checkered button-down that is unbuttoned to her navel and tied at the waist.

  “I thought that was you.” Seductively she places her hand on Joel’s shoulder. “You are one tall glass of champagne. How come you didn’t like my profile?”

  I swear if she were a cat, she would be sinking her claws in him right then and there.

  “Did you want something?” I cross my arms in front of me, a little annoyed that Joel doesn’t remove her paws off him.

  “I want something all right,” she purrs, running her long red fingernail down Joel’s chest, and then glares at me. “I want another date that is appropriate for me or I will go somewhere else.”

  “I’m sorry. I just work there.” I glare. “You are going to have to talk to Erin about the dates you go on.”

  “Good night,” Joel politely nods to her and grabs my hand. “My girlfriend and I are going to finish our date.”

  I start back up the steps.

  “I can do things to you that no other woman can,” she whispers loud enough for Joel and me to hear.

  “You slut!” I run back down the steps and swing my fist, hoping it will land exactly where it does---right in the center of Rainbow Bright’s jaw. “Just because you are some porn star, doesn’t give you the right to take any man that you see. He is mine!”

  I grab Joel’s arm and march him up the steps of the lodge.

  “It’s okay. Everyone go back inside.” Joel reassures the crowd that has gathered around the large front porch that extends the entire length of the lodge, before he pulls me inside the front door.

  “Olivia. What was that about?” Joel’s mouth drops open. “You can’t go around punching other women. You should just ignore people like her.”

  “I try. But you have no idea how hard she has been as a client for Color Me Love and to see her here of all places,” I plead, but I know he is right.

  “How is this going to look on the front pages of some tabloid that an employee of Color Me Love sucker punches a porn star?” Joel shakes his head. “Linda Minx is not a force to be reckoned with. She has people.”

  I don’t know what people he means, but he scares me. He obviously recognizes her, which disturbs me on so many levels.

  I rush back outside to make a quick apology. The crowd parts as if they are scared I am going to put a hex or something on them. All their auras were faint from fear.

  “Whatever. She deserved it,” I murmur when I don’t see her.

  “Well done, Jenn.” A lone applause comes from around the corner of the house. The moon is the spotlight as Orange Buddy walks a little closer. “And I thought you were some little pipsqueak.”

  “Jenn?” Joel questions, stepping between Orange Buddy and me.

  “Yes, Jenn.” Buddy puts an arm around my shoulder as if we are partners in crime. “She was my first date here at Heifers and Ho’s and seems to be my next.”

  “Get off me you jerk.” I slap his arm away and rush over to Joel’s side.

  “Jenn?” Joel’s brows narrow. Confusion settles on his face. “Who is he? Who are you?”

  “Maybe I will give you another chance. I really didn’t mean to throw you to the curb like road kill, but first impressions are everything. Except in your case.” Buddy smacks my ass. “You look great tonight.”

  “Hey, get off me!” I shove him back and go to explain to Joel what is going on.

  “Stop right there. I’m taking you home.” Joel bolts down the stairs. I rush off after him.

  “I can explain!” I scream running next to him. The more I try to plead, the quicker he walks.

  “Hey, Jenn, thanks for getting rid of the porno queen for me!” Orange Buddy’s laugh makes my blood boil. “I’ll give you a call!”

  “I won’t answer!” I scream back at him, but the only thing I can see is the bright orange light around him.

  Joel doesn’t even help me in the car. Before I can even buckle my seat belt, we are flying down the dirt road and onto the highway toward my house.

  “I can explain everything.” I turn in my seat to face him. But I know it is useless because his aura around his blue aura turns a crimson red and fades into a light violet. This tells me he is trying to rationalize what just happened, and no matter how much I talk, he isn’t going to listen.

  I give up.

  In silence, we ride back to my little cottage and pull into the drive.

  I reach for the handle.

  “I need space,” he whispers. I turn to face him, but he stares ahead. “I don’t trust liars. It’s part of the job. I’m not sure who you really are, Jenn or Olivia, or what you have been hiding.”

  “Please let me explain,” I plead. But I know that what I have to say will probably seal our fate of never dating again.

  “I can’t take anymore tonight. It’s late. I’m tired. I’m confused. I have to work tomorrow, but I will call you in a few days when I settle down.” His knuckles are white from where he is gripping the steering wheel, which is my clue not to say another word, but just get out of the car and give him space.

  “I’m sorry.” I jump out of the car, slamming the door before I run into my house.

  “Whoa! What’s wrong?” Erin plummets off the couch with Michael right by her side.

  “My life is ruined! Just ruined.” I fall to the floor and let Herbie lick the tears flooding down my face.

  Michael Shultz bends down and strokes my hair. It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was in this same position when Bradley and I broke up. Michael sitting on the floor stroking my hair is complete déjà vu.

  I met Michael a few years ago when a client of Splitsville.com turned up dead and I was the suspect, as well as Michael. Needless to say, we make a pretty good investigation team and best friends. Recently, he and Erin made their love connection and I have to say that they make a really cute couple. Their auras are completely compatible.

  “Slow down and tell us what happened.” Erin hands me a box of tissues and helps me sit up. Michael walks into the kitchen.

  I look around. “You cleaned?” The place looks great. There isn’t a piece of clothing anywhere.

  “I did, but you should see your room.” Erin shies away. “I don’t
know if you are going to be able to find your bed.”

  “See. I told you this is a bad day.” I hang my head.

  “No, you said it is ruined.” She reminds me of the exact words I used. “Tell me why.”

  Michael walks back with two glasses of wine. One for me and the other is…for me.

  “Where is your glass?” I question him as I hold the two drinks ups. It isn’t right for him not to have one. I need him to help me drown my sorrows.

  “I have to get home to Belle.” He refers to his little dog, and kisses Erin on the head. “You take care of our girl.” He smiles. “I’ll check on you two in the morning.”

  Erin walks him out. I get up off the floor and plant myself on the couch. When Erin comes back in, I give her all the details, from me passing out to me punching Felicia Evans.

  Luckily, Erin is a good sport about it.

  “Here.” I hand her one of the drinks. “No sense in drinking alone.”

  “Don’t worry about Felicia. I can take care of her.” She holds her glass up for me to cheer. We clink them together. “Now you have to tell Joel everything if you are sure that you want to date him. You have to tell him about who you really are. It’s only fair.”

  Erin is right. Not only is it fair, but Joel deserves to know. He is a good guy. And I will leave it up to him to decide if he can live with the real me or not.

  Chapter Eight

  “Come on.” I rub Herbie’s warm stomach lying next to my pillow. “You didn’t have any trouble sleeping last night.”

  He looks up, and then lays his head back down like he really understands. No matter how little sleep I got from thinking about Joel all night, it didn’t bother Herbie any.

  “Let’s go outside.” I pull my sweatshirt off the top of the pile of clothes lying on my floor. He jumps down and does his ‘I’m going for a walk’ dance. Remembering that I promised a walk, I pat his head and say, “You go out back and do your business while I get some coffee in me. I promise we will go for a walk.”

  After all, the only thing I had to do today is dump a few people, which is going to be really easy since I’m a little bitter this morning. Plus, no sleep makes me really snarky. I sort of feel sorry for the people I’m going to dump already. The wrath of me is something I don’t wish on my worst enemy, and that includes Buddy.