Queen of the Demonweb Pits

by Paul Kidd - (ebook by Flandrel; Undead)

“Oh, frot.”

  “Frot?” The ibis-headed guide frowned, then shook the comment away. “Now we shall approach the throne. There is a line of supplicants bearing tribute. You shall be number five thousand and eleven—a very significant number, as you will doubtless realize.” The ibis-being clearly expected a reply, but received none. “In any case, how would you like your gift announced? What sort of secrets are written on this scroll?”

  “None!” The energy being spoke in a screech, unable to help itself. “It’s a pyromaniac sentient hell hound skin with delusions of humor!”

  The ibis stared at the hell hound skin, which grinned back and happily wagged its tail.

  Hello!

  Blubbering, its preconditioned mind none too agile, the ibis-being looked at the visitors in absolute confusion. “B-but why? Why are you giving a hell hound skin to the great god Thoth?”

  “Were not!” The energy being thrashed in panic, trying to stop itself from speaking. “It’s a ruse! We’re here to do an abduction!”

  “An abduction?” The ibis recoiled in fright. “You? A benevolent energy being?”

  “I’m not an energy being! I’m a skinny faerie with the universe’s most perfect butt!” The energy being thrashed in panic. “Jus! Little help here!”

  Still holding Cinders rolled on his shoulder, the Justicar punched their guide with enough force to slide the creature out of sight amongst the curtains.

  “Boring conversation anyway.”

  “Come on!” Escalla changed back into her usual form. “Let’s move!”

  Nine-foot-tall guardians made of solid stone heard the noise, turned in puzzlement, then started forward to investigate. Escalla waved happily at them and pointed to Henry, who still looked like an idiot in his polymorphed disguise of ibis head and kilt. She tried to feed the guards another lie.

  “Hey! We’re interlopers here to expose your sham of an afterlife!” Escalla stamped and cursed. “Damn it! This tell-only-the-truth thing is screwing up my best fast talk!”

  “Escalla!” Henry’s feathers flapped in panic. “It’s not working! Change me back! Change me back!”

  “Relax, they’ll fall for it!” Escalla gave an easy shrug, apparently oblivious to the two stone behemoths stomping toward them. “Trust me! I’m a faerie!”

  Jus dragged his sword out from inside Cinders’ rolled hide and crashed Benelux into the guts of a charging stone guardian. Benelux sheared through solid stone, spraying chips and gravel as she blasted out through the juggernaut’s back. The stone being fell in two, both halves thrashing madly in rage. Jus swirled, hacked the hand off the second statue, whipped about twice more and smashed off its leg and head. He grabbed Escalla as she whooped and applauded him, breaking into a lumbering run as they crossed the hall of Thoth.

  On the huge throne, the great god Thoth stirred. The disturbance at the far end of the hall had reached his notice. Guards ran for the little group of fugitives and were left in parts on the floor as the intruders escaped. The god Thoth pointed a finger in command, and as one, all ten thousand supplicants turned, roared, and chased after the blasphemous infidels.

  Thoth stood and roared, shooting bolts of light that blasted huge craters in the floor.

  With a wave of enraged inhumanity hot on her tail, Escalla looked over the Justicar’s shoulder as he ran through the hall.

  “Wow! These people are pissed!”

  A blast of light splintered a titanic column mere inches away. Hundreds of tons of stonework thundered through the air, and the ceiling began to collapse. Column after column tilted and smashed into each other, one after another. A wall of dust and debris hid the onrushing crowd from Jus, Escalla, and Henry. The Justicar pelted around a corner, ducked a sword wielded by a jabbering ibis-man, and felled the creature with a blow of his hand.

  “Escalla! Do you have any idea where we’re going?”

  “Sure! Trust me! I’m a faerie!” Escalla opened the portable hole on Jus’ belt and stuck her head inside. “Hey, Polk? Polk! Check the thingie!”

  “I’m doin’ it! I’m doin’ it! But you can’t rush art. I’ve tried to teach that fact to so many, but they just don’t listen. Art’s from the soul, girl! Soul! You don’t rush soul. You do that, you get bad—”

  “Polk! We’re a little stressed for time here!” Escalla fired off a lightning bolt that blasted through a dozen crocodile-headed guards. “Could you just—you know—do it?”

  Grumbling away, Polk sat beside a big bowl of enchanted water. Floating on the water was a wooden disk, and upon the disk was Enid’s tail. The tail swung about, settled, and ended up pointing in a steady line. Polk sniffed and, cocking one eye, looked up at the faerie.

  “That way!” He pointed in the direction indicated by the tuft of Enid’s fluffy tail. “Is the boy still dawdling? Are we there yet?”

  Leaning through the hole, the sound of sword fighting loud behind her, Escalla gave the tail a scowl.

  “How do you know it’s not the other way? You know—maybe the wet end points the way?”

  “Do you want art, or do you want argument?” Polk pointed an imperious paw. “I’m a quadruped. I know tails! Now get goin’. We’ve got real work to do elsewhere!”

  “Fine!” The faerie cast a cloud of choking fog to block the passageway behind her. “Sheesh! Badgers are so grouchy before their mid-morning nap!”

  Folding his paws and muttering, Polk looked over to the tanar’ri who sheltered at the far side of the portable hole. She was gnawing all six sets of nails. Polk sniffed and shook his head.

  “No gumption! Young folks today just have no gumption! Stop frettin’, woman! It’s only the halls of the gods!”

  With her scales a horrid shade of grey, Morag rocked back and forth in panic.

  “Oh, we are going to be killed.” The demon heard a fireball detonate overhead, accompanied by the battle cry of thousands of Thoth’s followers. “What am I doing here?”

  Escalla popped her head in through the lip of the hole.

  “I told you! You do the teleport thing for us, and dad will have your dream castle made, furnished—he’ll even put in gardens! Peace and quiet—a love nest where the Blood Wars never go.” The faerie gave an airy little wave. “So chill already! You’re in a portable hole. What could possibly go wrong? Trust me! I’m a faerie!”

  Escalla disappeared. Seething, Morag thrashed her tail and said, “I do wish she would stop saying that.”

  Outside the portable hole, the battle raged. They were deep amidst vast mazes of book-laden shelves that towered a hundred feet high. Librarians atop spindly ladders clutched for dear life as Jus and Escalla rampaged below, knocking into shelves and toppling ladders behind them. Still carrying a heavy brass urn of water, still with his ibis head and beak, Henry gave an apologetic bob and nod as he passed the librarians and hurried after his friends. Polk called out from down in the portable hole, and Escalla halted hovering at the next intersection and shoved her friends into a new row of shelves.

  “That way! Hurry!”

  The sound of the pursuing multitudes was like an onrushing tidal wave. The Justicar led the way, Cinders’ smoke trailing behind him as he ran. The big man turned a corner, there was a thunderous roar, and the bookshelf just above him blasted apart as a huge lion paw came crashing through the air.

  A titanic being loomed over the intruders. The creature was monstrous—a huge statue of black marble thirty feet high. Part hippopotamus, part crocodile, part lion, it roared and smashed down with a paw. Shelves splintered and tumbled in all directions. Escalla went tumbling in midair and landed hard upon her backside, bruising it fiercely. She shot to her feet, chittering in rage.

  “You cut-price bag of golem puke!” She flew at the monster in an insane rage. “I’ll get you for that!”

  Jus stamped in anger as he saw her shoot by.

  “Escalla! No!”

  The faerie flew at the monster like an enraged gnat attacking a bear. She whacked the creature on its backside with
her newly recharged lich staff. Stone chips flew, cracks began to work their way through the behemoth, and the monster whirled awkwardly around and about like a monstrous dog chasing its own tail. It crashed into shelves five stories high, which tilted, crashed, and fell into more shelves, then more, then more…

  A crash and jumble came as the wisdom of the ages hit the floor and was trampled underfoot. The multitudes pursuing the interlopers were buried under the shelves. Somewhere in the distance, the god Thoth could be heard roaring in anger. All hell was breaking loose. The Justicar stopped in place, opened his hands and formed magic between his palms. The wooden shelves of the nearest library racks suddenly burst to life, shooting out leaves, branches, and tendrils. The vines snatched at the huge monster, forcing it to blunder clumsily about. Taking Benelux in his hand, the Justicar ran straight for the behemoth’s nearest paw.

  “Henry! Charge!”

  Benelux crashed into black marble, showering chunks of stone across the floor. Henry carefully set down his sealed brass jar. He was just in time to hear the thud and see Jus knocked off his feet by a blow of the monster’s foot. Jus flew one way—Cinders fluttered in another. They both hit the ground rolling, the Justicar coming up with his sword flashing in a parry and a massive stroke that severed the statue’s paw. Roaring, the titan reared—still with Escalla battering its backside into rubble. As Henry charged, he heard her voice jabbering away in a frenzy of hate.

  “I wear a thong! Do you know what this is going to look like in a thong? Do you have any respect for art? Do you? No! Well, respect that! And that! And that! And that!” The power charge of the lich staff had run out again, and now Escalla was just hitting a huge stone statue with a stick. “Oh, you’re gonna play dumb? Well, take this!”

  The top of the monster’s head was wreathed in a fireball—not the most effective spell against blank stone. The Justicar cursed, shook his head, and surged back into action again. He dived, rolled to end up between the monster’s hind feet, and hewed at the creature’s legs, his sword ringing like a bell.

  Jus tossed his magic rope to Henry. Henry whip-cracked the rope and swung up onto the statue’s head, smashing his own sword down onto the monster’s eye, making it shake its head and rear in anger. Henry was thrown clear, crashing through a bookshelf to land beside Cinders, who lay grinning atop a pile of magical scrolls.

  Hello!

  “Hey, Cinders.” Henry blinked. His brass jar was a dozen yards away, still miraculously intact. “Having fun?”

  Fun!

  Escalla finally jumped free and whirred down to ground level. Jus pointed at the monster’s flank, meeting Cinders’ eye, and the hell hound enjoyed his friend’s clever idea. As the monster came close, Cinders wriggled forward, reared, and blasted his flames. Hot enough to melt steel, Cinders’ fire sent ripples chasing all through the marble along the monster’s side, and the dozens of cracks from Escalla’s lich staff glowed white-hot.

  The Justicar disengaged, and his huge voice bellowed at Escalla through the smoke. “Escalla! Frost! Go!”

  The faerie unshipped her frost wand and opened fire. Extreme heat followed by ice cold did the trick. The cracked stone burst, and the statue splintered like glass.

  The Justicar parried falling rubble with his sword, too angry and too dangerous to dodge. As the dust settled, he strode through the ruins, collected Escalla, then signaled Henry and Cinders to regroup. The hell hound rippled over the wreckage, moving like a huge furry caterpillar, and behind him, hundreds of Thoth’s followers came charging down the paths between the shelves. Some of the larger creatures forsook the paths altogether and scrambled over the mounds of scrolls, books, broken shelves, and stone.

  Escalla watched Cinders pass her by and waved an astonished hand.

  “Does anyone else find that amazingly disturbing?”

  “You had to teach him to fetch.” The Justicar parried an arrow shot from somewhere amongst the shelves. “Polk, which way?”

  “Left, son! Go left!”

  “Henry, Cinders, move!”

  Galloping along to rejoin the Justicar, Cinders stopped, looked down a row of shelves, then humped out of sight and disappeared. An instant later, he came charging madly back, row after row of bookshelves exploding into flames behind him. The hell hound sniggered, and Escalla wagged her finger angrily at him as he passed.

  “Cinders! Bad dog!”

  F-U-N-N-Y! Funny!

  “Damn it, Cinders! Steal that stuff! Don’t just burn it!”

  Henry snatched a glimpse over his shoulder at the fires and said, “I feel a bit guilty about this.”

  “Hey!” Escalla scoffed. “We asked them to let Enid go, and they said to go take a hike! So they can look on this as a lesson in not pissing off faeries by using my best pals as slave labor!” The girl had retrieved some wisps of clothing from Jus’ belt and was pulling on new gloves of fine black elven mail. “Henry? Still got the jug?”

  “Yes.”

  “Hoopy!”

  Jus snatched up the hell hound and tossed him over his shoulder. Behind them, the fires spread. Winged guardians could be heard screeching as the soldiers of Horus were called upon to destroy the interlopers.

  The group charged out from between the shelves and into a great quiet hall where hundreds of figures lifted scrolls, books, and tablets from great untidy piles and sorted them at tables made from ebony. The workers never once looked up as the adventurers pelted past them, until suddenly a screech came from the portable hole.

  “Back! Back, boy! You’re runnin’ too fast!” Polk blustered down in the depths of the hole. “Turn right, son! Right! Stop! Now go straight! Straight! Back!” There was a scrabble, and Polk’s head emerged from the hole as Morag lifted him on high. “That’s it! She must be right here!”

  At a nearby table sat a silent figure dusting off a manuscript. Ibis-headed, androgynous, dressed in a kilt, and wearing a sad expression, the creature sighed as it worked. Escalla and Henry both stared at the creature for a long, quiet moment. The faerie slapped Jus on the shoulder and sent him on his way.

  “Here we go! Jus, hold the fort! We’ll be with you in a minute.”

  Enemies were thundering down the corridor that led into the room. The Justicar tied Cinders tight about his helm then strode forward, swinging Benelux in his hand. The sword was definitely not happy.

  Sir Justicar, I must protest! Can we not try reasoning with these creatures? These are worshipers of truth and knowledge!

  “If they’re so knowledgeable, they should know when to shut up and run.”

  Sir, I really must ask you to consider limiting the scale of this conflict!

  The Justicar planted his back against a huge shelf and heaved. His muscles bunched as his enormous bulk slowly pushed the shelf with its great load of books over, and the whole mass came crashing down to block the corridor. The first enemies tried jamming their way through the gaps, and Jus shoved them backward using a huge shelf board as a battering ram.

  Over at the work tables, Henry and Escalla softly approached the ibis creature that was cleaning its book. Escalla took the polymorph spell off Henry and returned him to his usual self. They both edged up to the table, watching the sad creature at its work.

  “Enid?”

  The ibis-headed being blinked and looked up at them. It had Enid’s eyes—honest and always a little shy, but no spark of recognition came until her gaze lingered on Henry. She hesitated, then nervously turned away.

  “I’m not allowed to help you. You have to see a supervisor. We’re not allowed to help people.”

  “No. We’re here to help you.” Escalla spoke with infinite kindness. “Do you know us at all? Have you seen us before?”

  “No.” The creature shrugged then looked down unhappily at the table. “I… perhaps. We’re not allowed to remember.”

  “I know.” Escalla uncorked the big brass jar. “Here. We brought you something.”

  “Oh! Oh, no.” The ibis head looked away. “I am not a
llowed to drink now. No food or drink until I make my quota.”

  “No-no-no! It’s hoopy! This time you’re allowed.” The faerie gently turned the ibis’ beak toward her. “Listen. Thoth said his afterlife arrangements suck and that we should come here and deal with it. So we have a drink for you.”

  The creature looked anxiously at the brass jar. Henry’s hands shook, and his face was sick with love. The ibis head looked from Henry to the faerie to the jar of water.

  “I could get into trouble. How do I know I’m really supposed to drink this?”

  “Trust me!” Escalla opened her hands, the very image of pure innocence. “I’m a faerie!”

  The words made the creature jerk. It stared at Escalla in wonder, then slowly held out its hands. Henry passed her his brass jug. The contents smelled unpleasantly of river water.

  The ibis creature hesitated. Henry kept his hands hovering anxiously beneath the jug, and then the ibis head drank. It dipped its beak, drank slowly and deeply, and withdrew its dripping bill and stared into the air.

  “Water from the river Mnemos,” Escalla said. They had been gathered at vast expense and danger and effort from the wildest places of the outer planes—all to be brought here, for this perfect moment.

  Enid turned her ibis beak and looked at her friends, her heart hammering. Her eyes seemed to clear. She saw Escalla sitting beside her and started to cry.

  “Escalla…” Enid held the faerie against her heart and closed her eyes. “Oh, Escalla!”

  “Hey! We’ve got a wedding. Can’t have a wedding without my bridesmaid.” Escalla cried wiping her own eyes. “It’s all right. We got here. It’s all right now.”

  Enid saw Henry and found herself in his arms.

  “Henry! Henry!”

  They cried. They kissed as best human and ibis could. Escalla sat a little distance away and let the lovers have their moment, and she wept like a babe. With a great wet sniff, she turned.

  The Justicar and Cinders had set their barricade on fire and were striding to meet their friends. Enid held Jus tight, closed fingers in Cinders’ fur as the hell hound jumped about and wagged his tail.