To Have and to Hold

by Riley Knight

  “Okay, Stacy,” he said. “See you later.”

  Ran turned away, going into the house. From the quiet way he let the door shut, Justin was pretty sure that he shouldn’t go in after him. Ran didn’t get loud when he got angry or upset. He got quieter, and until he’d calmed down, there was really no point in Justin going after him.

  Later on, they would talk, though. Something was going on here, and Justin didn’t know what it was, but he wanted to. He was sure that Ran felt it, too. The signs were subtle, but they were there.

  Two people, though, one of them a stranger, had told him that he should try to make money off of his music. He’d always thought of it as a stupid waste of time, and he didn’t even know how he’d go about starting to make anything of it, but now he knew someone who did.

  It wasn’t something he should ignore, he figured. He picked up the ukulele and started to strum it again. He wished he had his guitar. He could do so much more with it.

  It was something to consider, though. Something to consider very seriously. After all, in a relatively short time, he and Ran would be getting divorced and then he’d have to find somewhere to live.

  It would be incredibly amazing to get to live somewhere nicer than where he’d been before. This was a chance at making that happen.

  Though he tried not to let it be, it was exciting. Actually, if Ran weren’t acting so weird, his life would be pretty much perfect.

  Chapter Eleven

  Ran

  No one had to tell Ran that he was acting like a complete and total idiot. He already knew it, and he knew, too, that it wasn’t fair of him to try to punish Justin by giving him the silent treatment.

  The thing was, it wasn’t exactly voluntary. When he was angry or hurt, he got quiet, and he was both. He had no reason to be, but he was.

  So he had a stern talk with himself as he put away the groceries that he’d collected. He kept telling himself, over and over, that this friendship was the most important thing to him.

  Why, then, he asked himself, did he keep doing things to put that friendship in jeopardy? He wasn’t a stupid man. He knew that about himself. So it was time to stop acting like he was.

  Mostly, he’d calmed down by the time it was time to go. He even managed a slight smile for Justin, who looked beyond adorable, cradling the tiny musical instrument.

  Funny how he’d never seen the charm of a ukulele until he saw one in Justin’s capable hands.

  Stacy had been right. Oh, Ran didn’t like that the woman was flirting with his husband. He really didn’t, right or wrong. But she’d been right about Justin, and his skill.

  It was hard to believe that he had been friends with this man for all of these years and hadn’t known about his incredible talent.

  Maybe that was part of what pissed him off about Stacy, if he were completely honest with himself. That she’d noticed, that she’d thought to suggest that he get more serious about it.

  It should have been him, but he’d dropped the ball.

  After the groceries had been put away, Ran had curled up on the loveseat inside and read. It had been nice, and as always, it had soothed him.

  So he felt like he could probably go and be civil to those two girls, even if they did hit on Justin right in front of him. Though he did sort of wonder what they’d say if they knew that he and Justin were married.

  They probably thought that they were just a couple, but marriage, that was a serious thing for most people. Ran included, to be honest. Who knew, maybe that was part of what had caused his weird obsession with Justin. Whatever the case was, he was calmer when he left the house.

  Justin nodded to him, and the two of them fell into step as they walked down toward the beach. It was hard to tell which one of them was more friendly and outgoing, since they were honestly both pretty quiet people, but that worked for them.

  They could be quiet now when there was nothing useful to say. It felt normal and natural to just walk in step with him, although it also felt completely normal to, when Justin’s hand brushed his, lightly take it.

  The really amazing thing was that Justin held his hand back. He didn’t take it away, though Ran knew, with how he’d been acting, he would deserve it if Justin did just that.

  It was a lovely evening. Well, not quite evening. The sun was getting ready to set, though, and it had cast a gorgeous golden glow all over everything, making the very air seem to shimmer.

  The sound of the surf was loud, louder than usual, and Ran turned to look at the ocean. The waves were high, driven up onto the beach, and he stopped for a moment just to look at the spectacular sight.

  “It’s pretty,” Justin said, his tone of voice very quiet. Hand in hand, they watched as the waves broke, and Ran had to think that this was probably the most romantic moment of his life.

  God, how sad was that? This man wasn’t even his. Not to keep.

  “Yeah,” he said, his own voice equally low. He squeezed Justin’s hand and felt him squeeze back, and for that one moment, he was happy.

  He’d been so conflicted lately that he barely remembered what it was like to be content, but right there and then, he was.

  “Come on,” Justin finally said, breaking the spell. Even in the time that they’d been standing there, short as it was, the quality of the light had changed as the sunset drew closer. “Let’s go. We’re going to be late.”

  Ran nodded. He took one last look at the beach, admiring the awesome spectacle that nature was putting on, and then turned away from it to walk up the little path to Stacy and Amber’s house.

  * * *

  The food was nothing short of exquisite.

  It turned out that Amber was a professional chef, and it was very clear in the meal that she served them that night. Grilled mahi-mahi, roast potatoes, a huge Caesar salad, all washed down with a fruity, light wine that Ran instantly liked. He was normally more of a beer person, but for this, he would make an exception.

  Ran ate until he was stuffed, drank maybe just a little bit too much wine, and to his surprise, he enjoyed himself.

  He had braced himself for nothing, it seemed. The longer he spent around Amber and Stacy, the more it became clear that they were a couple. It was subtle, but there, in the casual little touches, the intimate looks.

  So maybe he really had been worried about nothing. Maybe Stacy wasn’t any threat to … whatever it was that he was doing with Justin.

  Still, if not her, then someone, right? He could hardly expect his best friend to live without romance for a full year. Though what had happened the night before made him wonder, just a little.

  After dinner, the four of them moved out onto the lanai. The sun was setting fully, and it was utterly splendid, reds and oranges and pinks touching the water and staining it the same colors.

  Feeling comfortable at last, Ran excused himself to go to the restroom. He’d drunk a fair bit that night, and it felt good to take care of business. As he was walking back through the house, he couldn’t help but think about how nice it was to be here.

  Amber and Stacy treated them like they would treat any couple. There was no weirdness about it. Ran hadn’t had a lot of experience, though he was out to the people that he cared about, and part of that was that he felt nervous about what people would say.

  Well, in this day and age, it seemed like a lot had changed. Maybe it was time for Ran to start fully living his life. And if Justin were, by any miracle, willing to be the one that Ran lived it with …

  There was no way, of course, but if there were, that would be absolutely amazing.

  Before they’d come to Hawaii, Ran would have said no, even if Justin had been into it. He wouldn’t have wanted to mess up the friendship that they had. Now he was thinking, though, that it would be worth it.

  If it worked out, it might just be the best thing that had ever happened to him.

  With a smile on his face, he walked toward the door, which was standing open. The way the house was set up, he could hear them talking
long before they could see him, so he overheard, without even meaning to, a good portion of their conversation that he was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to.

  “Well, I’ve gotten vibes from him that he’s pretty gay,” Amber said, her voice quieter than usual. Still completely audible to Ran, though. “But he’s pretty, too. So if he wants to, he could come along …”

  They were talking about him. Ran bit his lip, frozen in place. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It was just that his legs refused to move him any further. Where were they talking about him coming along? And what did him being gay have to do with it?

  Justin murmured something, and his deep voice was low enough that Ran couldn’t pick out the words.

  “Oh, you know, girls can tell. Usually, anyway.” Stacy laughed, and then added, “But you’re not gay. I can tell that.”

  Oh God. Ran should not be listening to this. Not even remotely. There was nothing here that he wanted to hear. From the tone of Stacy’s voice, she was flirting with Justin, and Ran’s heart stopped beating in his chest.

  Would Justin go for it? What reason did he have not to?

  Once more, Justin spoke, and once more, Ran only heard the sound of his voice without hearing his words clearly.

  “Oh yeah. Well, I guess we are sort of lesbians,” Amber said, “But there are exceptions, you know? Every once in a while, we want someone to join us. Usually another woman, but every so often, when it’s right, a guy.”

  Fuck. They were offering Justin a threesome. With two beautiful women. It got worse, too.

  “It wouldn’t mean anything. It would be a onetime sort of deal,” Stacy cautioned.

  So it was meaningless. No strings attached. There was no way in hell that Ran could imagine Justin, or most men, saying no to that. It was pretty much the ideal offer, and from Stacy’s tone of voice, she knew it.

  Ran found that his legs could move, after all. He couldn’t sit here and listen to them making plans for this. He just couldn’t do it. He would go insane. Whether he had the right to or not, he would.

  So he walked. He walked

  right out of the patio door, onto the lanai, and down the path. Without thinking, without planning, he just moved.

  He had to get out of there. That was the only option.

  Toward the pounding of the surf, he went. Quicker and quicker, until he was running. Or as best he could, with the sand clutching at his feet, as if trying to keep him in place. As though everything really was against him tonight.

  He heard Justin calling after him, but he ignored that. It didn’t matter. He didn’t think about where he was going, or the huge waves that they’d seen sweeping the beach.

  It was dark. Very dark. He could see almost nothing. The clouds had rolled in very suddenly so that everything was the same gray-silver color. The same color that Justin’s eyes got when he was aroused.

  He was distracted. It was a stupid thing to do. But he walked toward the water, sure that he knew how far he could go and still be safe. Normally, he would be nowhere near idiotic enough to walk toward the ocean in the nighttime, when he couldn’t see anything.

  As it was, it still probably would have been okay. He would have just stepped into the water, and the worst that would happen was that his feet would get a little bit damp.

  But the waves had gotten, if anything, higher and stronger and more intense. Perfect surfing waves, not that he was a surfer.

  He didn’t see the giant wave that reached for him, grasped him firmly in watery fingers, and then dragged him from the shore. Not until it was far too late. Not until it was already upon him.

  * * *

  At that moment, Ran tasted death. He had heard that, upon nearly dying, it was customary to see one’s whole life flash in front of their eyes.

  That didn’t happen to him. Maybe because nothing had really happened in his life. It had been completely predictable, at least up until the point where he’d found out he wasn’t a citizen.

  Until then, though, he’d done everything he’d set out to do. His life had followed a set course, with very little deviation. So maybe his brain figured it was a waste of time to flash that before his eyes.

  Instead, he thought desperately about what it would be like to die. How it would feel to drown. How long it would take. If it would hurt.

  He would fight, of course. It seemed bitterly unfair that he should be killed for a moment of stupidity, but it happened all the time. Besides, maybe it was what he got for being such an idiot …

  And then something grasped at his wrist. Before he even had a chance to open his mouth to scream (which was probably a good thing, too, considering that there was water all around him and breathing water is traditionally seen as not being a great idea), he was yanked right out of the wet embrace of the waves and onto the shore.

  There was sand everywhere. Not only had the wave churned it up and scrubbed him with it, but the dry sand that he landed on stuck to him and got into his clothes, his hair, all over. It was going to be a hell of a mess to clean up.

  But he was alive.

  Taking a deep breath now that it was safe to do so, Ran tried to rub the water out of his eyes. He looked up to see who his savior was, though he had a feeling he knew before he even saw.

  “Ran, what the hell?” Justin sounded angry. Ran supposed that that was justified. “You trying to kill yourself or something?”

  Ran shook his head. No, of course, he wasn’t. It had been a lapse in judgment that was all.

  “You could have fooled me,” Justin muttered, clearly not impressed. Or was it fear that was on his face?

  “Look, I heard what they said,” Ran said, sitting up on the sand. Now that he was safe, he didn’t need the endorphins that he had gotten, but he had them anyway. He was shaking, he realized. Shaking with reaction for what had almost just happened.

  “What?” Justin asked, and Ran gave him a dirty look.

  “I heard them ask you to go to bed with them.”

  Ran expected Justin to shrug it off. To say, maybe, that it was none of Ran’s business. Which, of course, Ran knew. He’d only told himself the same thing about a million times.

  What Justin said sort of blew Ran’s mind.

  “There’s no way in hell I’d ever do that.”

  Ran hadn’t quite figured out what Justin meant by that when the other man moved toward him. Or, rather, he knew what he meant, but what he didn’t know was why. So he just stared at his friend, wondering if he’d gotten too much water in his own ears. If he’d somehow misheard Justin.

  Justin grabbed him by the shoulders suddenly and kissed him hard. Right out there on the beach. The kiss was hotter, more forceful, somehow, than any that they’d shared to this point. It was the sort of kiss that meant business.

  Immediately, Ran melted into it. He gripped Justin and hauled him against him as though he could somehow make the two of them into one person, just as marriage was supposed to do.

  It didn’t matter that they were on the beach and that anyone who walked by could see. It was very dark, and as they kissed, it even started to rain, so that no one in their right mind would stay outside. It wasn’t a gentle, gradual rain, it was a downpour, with winds that drove the rain into them even more sharply

  Ran wasn’t in his right mind, though, and it seemed that neither was Justin. Despite the rain that poured on them, pelting their skin, Justin was pulling on Ran’s wet clothes. He was tugging them off, and Ran was letting him.

  Actually, Justin had the right idea. Somehow, the weather that was suddenly raging around them seemed perfect, because the fury of the elements matched the fury of his desire. So Ran kissed Justin over and over again as they writhed together, clothes being tugged free and tossed carelessly aside.

  It didn’t take long before they were naked. Yes, the clothes were wet and hard to handle, but they were both determined.

  “You idiot. Like I’d ever want anyone else,” Justin said. Or maybe he did. Maybe it was something else, since the wi
nd and rain and the waves which still crashed behind them created so much noise it was hard to hear properly. “Like I could ever be with anyone else when I have you.”

  They were so completely the words that Ran wanted to hear that he doubted his own ears. But it didn’t matter just then, anyway. What mattered was how Justin slipped on top of him, his body slick with rain, his cock burning hot as it slid over Ran’s stomach and then down further.

  Then Justin was pressed right against him, his erection rubbing right against Ran’s. It was perfect. So incredibly perfect to move against him, and it felt good, slick as they both were from the rain.

  The smell of the sea was all around them, and Ran looked up into stormy gray eyes that seemed to mimic the weather.

  There was no talking. As the storm built further, it became more and more impossible for talking to happen, for anything to be heard. Instead, Justin pressed Ran’s legs open and Ran knew what he was doing. Knew, and loved it, needed it, had wanted it deep down in a place that he’d never let come to light for years and years.

  “Yes,” he gasped, though he knew that Justin couldn’t hear him. “Oh God, yes.”

  Ran was not a virgin. But it hadn’t been often, and it had been a long time. Somehow, he didn’t care about that. This was his chance, and who knew? Maybe it would be the only chance he ever had.

  Justin was big. He felt even bigger as the blunt head of his cock rubbed between the cheeks of Ran’s ass, but Ran just spread his legs wide, his hands on Justin’s shoulders, kissing him feverishly as he clutched onto him.

  “Justin,” he whispered, and even as close to each other as they were, he wasn’t convinced that his best friend heard him. “Justin, now.”

  Whether Justin heard or not, he didn’t make Ran wait. He thrust, and maybe it should have been painful, with as little preparation as there had been, but it wasn’t. Or if it was, the satisfaction of finally having this was more than enough to overcome it.