Holding Her in Madness

by Kimber S. Dawn

  I hold her shaking frame against me as tight as I can, kissing her hair over and over as the tears fall down my face like rain.

  I hold her until she stops shaking and our tears dry. Then the fear that I’m royally fucking up has me holding her for an hour more.

  “Annalise.” I cough, clearing my throat. “Baby, I don’t want you to be sorry for anything. You fell in love with me at the lowest point in my life, and even after all the hell I put you through, you continued to love me, continued to do everything in your power to drag me from the hell my life was.”

  Her slender arms slide up around my neck and pull my mouth down to her swollen lips. I kiss her like I did the first time we kissed. I kiss her like I kissed her as soon I could get my hands on her at the altar. I kiss her like I did after we said our vows.

  I kiss her like I kissed her when I thought she was the only woman I’d ever loved, and I don’t stop kissing her until we are both out of breath.

  “I love you, Annalise. I always will.”

  A painful moan rips from her throat, and she keeps shaking her head no.

  “I would have died at the lowest point of my entire life without your love, ‘Lise. Please, always know that your love is what saved my life. Not hers, Annalise. Yours. Only yours did, baby.”

  “It doesn’t matter though. No matter how much I loved you, it would never be enough. I’ll never be enough.”

  “Hey, don’t say that. Please don’t say that. I’m not enough, Annalise. You just haven’t met the one to know it yet. But I swear to God, I am the one who isn’t enough.”

  “I love you, Leo. Please tell me you’ll stay. If I beg you, you’ll stay.” ‘Lise’s entire frame is shuddering through her sobs.

  My arms tighten around her waist, and I’m kissing her head when tears heat the backs of my eyes again. “‘Lise, baby, I can’t stay. I gotta go.” I pull her arms from around my waist and bring them to my lips, kissing each palm before lowering her arms to her side. “Goodbye.” I clear my throat so I can finish what I need to say. “Take care of yourself, Annalise. Go be a badass mom to that awesome boy of yours. I’ll check in on you from time to time. You know I will.”

  Annalise smiles up at me through her tears. “I know you will. Bye, Leo.”

  “Bye, babe.”

  The next night, when I walk into the house Annalise and I called home, I look around at the emptiness of it. It’s kinda funny how much this house and I have in common, and for a second, I actually laugh.

  When I hear my laugh bounce and echo off the bare walls, it sobers that kinda funny shit up—real fucking quick.

  The entire time it takes me to shower and make a pallet, the only thing that keeps running through my mind is a continuous prayer. I’m not sure how I know it or where I’ve heard it, but it falls from my lips in a whisper like I’ve spoken it perfectly every day of my life:

  Our Father who art in Heaven,

  hallowed be your name.

  Your kingdom come,

  your will be done,

  on earth, as it is in Heaven.

  Give us this day our daily bread.

  And forgive us our trespasses,

  as we forgive those who trespass against us.

  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

  For yours is the kingdom, the power, glory forever.

  Amen.

  I throw myself into making Phillips Fireplace, Fencing, & Pools the top home/landscaping suppliers of the Ark-La-Tex area. For those of you who are scratching your heads because you’ve never heard of it, it’s the region where Arkansas, Louisiana, and Texas intersect. It only takes me six months to accomplish this feat. Yeah, I know. I was pretty fucking surprised too.

  I realize after Phillips takes over the region that my ol’ Gramps was just treading water with the business, probably to make sure his employees kept their employment. However, I on the other hand I have nothing but free time and a whole lotta initiative. It’s not every day that a man is handed his own business with nothing under his belt but a GED, and I plan on seizing the fuck out of this rare opportunity my Gramps has given me.

  After the success of my first business feat and taking some night business courses at the community college in Lake Charles, my ambitions for the business gain strength and direction. It doesn’t take me long to rename the business Phillips Home & Landscaping Designs as well as add a shitload of new services the company supplies. Once Phillips hit the world wide web, it was mothafuckin’ ON!

  Four and a half years later, I have my Bachelor’s of science in business admin, I own one of the top-ranking home and landscape designing companies in the southeastern region of the U.S., and apparently, from what my aunt Vikki tells all her friends’ daughters, I’m the South’s most handsome, rich, yet untamable bachelor. Don’t ask. All I will say on that front is that it’s not difficult for me to find female companionship, even after I make it VERY clear that all I do is one-nighters.

  At first there were a few stalker-ish issues, and those bitches can be scary. Luckily though, there haven’t been any recently. I quickly learned their red flags, and now I can usually clock them within the first five minutes.

  I haven’t really had much time lately for even a one-nighter because I’m constantly traveling for work. The more I travel, the more people I meet. The more people I meet, the more business associates I gain. And the more business associates I gain, the better my business grows, which in turn leads to—correct—more money.

  And we all know that there isn’t a damn thing better than making more money. And traveling is the main way I’ve found to indirectly make a shitload of money—not only for myself, but for my business and employees as well.

  When the airplane touches down in my old stomping ground, I’m excited to get to spend some time with Aunt Vikki and Uncle John. Jason is engaged to the mother of his two daughters, and Jules is married now with a baby on the way.

  I really hate that I’ve missed out on so much of their lives. The alternative though wasn’t really in my hands.

  Something that I realized during the first six months of being single is that, really, there isn’t much in life that is in our hands. It’s all up to fate.

  I see Aunt Vikki and Jules as soon as I step past the airport security checkpoint. Aunt Vikki hasn’t aged a single day, but Jules? Jesus Christ, when did that kid become the woman standing in front of me?

  “Leo! Hey, hon!” Aunt Vikki’s arms are around my neck and I’m hit immediately by a cloud of her overpowering perfume. “God, it’s so good to see you! Look at how handsome you look!” Her hands brush the top of my shoulders. “All decked out in a fancy suit. I swear I never woulda believed that grungy, long-haired teenage boy would have ever turned into such a handsome fella, much less a suit-wearin’ handsome fella.”

  The smile on her face is contagious, and before I know it, I’m smiling from ear to ear.

  “Oh my God, Mother, leave the man alone.” Jules laughs before hugging my neck around her pregnant belly. “Hey, cousin. Long time no see.”

  “I know! God, y’all look beautiful. Now tell me. What are my chances of not only getting to take one but both of you stunning women out on the town?” I extend both my elbows, which are looped with theirs before we head towards baggage claim.

  “I don’t know about out on the town. My damn ankles swell if I’m on my feet for too long. Let’s start with lunch and see where we end up. That sound good?”

  “Sounds perfect, Jules. So whatcha toting in that thing? Boy or a girl?” I ask as we step onto the escalator.

  “Don’t know. Dustin and I don’t really want to know. I think it’ll be more fun to be surprised right after delivery.”

  “You won’t think it’s fun when you’re carrying that baby home in yellow.” Aunt Vikki’s eyes narrow on Jules.

  “Uh oh. Sorry. I didn’t know I was treading into unsafe territory. Can we change the subject?” I joke.

  After I’ve grabbed my suitcase, w
e head out for lunch.

  I have a great time catching up on what’s been going on with them and our other relatives. It’s nice being around the only family I really have after not seeing them for so long. It’s even nicer that I am able to do stuff for them, to feel helpful and needed. The only people I’ve really done anything for are my business associates and employees. It feels better when you can do it for the people you love.

  I’ve been back in town for almost two weeks. It has honestly been the best two weeks I’ve had for as far back as I can remember. Funny thing is, I spend almost every day doing what my labor work employees do.

  The first few days, I refenced my aunt and uncle’s backyard. I also bought Jules and Dustin’s baby a crib and a highchair since those were the only two things they hadn’t bought for the baby yet.

  Jason and I landscaped his and his fiancée’s yard last week. It turned out really nice. Sarah, Jason’s fiancée, was very pleased. Then I sat down with Jason’s daughters, Chloe and Lindsey, and we designed a little club house/swing set that we are still building. Chloe and Linds were very specific, and I am following those girl’s demands to a T.

  Who doesn’t want to be the cool uncle? I’m hardly ever around, so when I’m here, I gotta make it count. I’ll spend whatever the hell I have to and build whatever the hell I have to just to see the handful of family members I have smile.

  Jas and I have finished the clubhouse part, and I’m wandering around Home Depot with my list of materials I need for the playground/swing set part of our project.

  I glance up, scanning the signs hanging from the ceiling. Once I spot the lumber sign, I head in its direction. I’m halfway to the lumber aisle of Home Depot when it happens.

  Had I known I would be in Home Depot when Lillian Shaw crashed back into my life, I would have sold Phillips H&L Designs the second I could to fucking buy the whole goddamn Home Depot. I would’ve set up shop, not leaving that motherfucker until it happened.

  “So what is generally the next step one would take to acquire a dual-sided fireplace? I’m guessing that I probably should have just ripped the existing fireplace out after I smashed the shit out of my wall.”

  There she is, right there in the flesh, standing a foot away with her back to me, with all of her fucking beautiful blond hair piled on top of her head. I let my eyes devour her from head to toe, I’m so fucking starved for the sight of this woman it almost cripples me, and I haven’t seen anything but the back of her.

  Her light green and white flannel top better have a shirt under it, because from where I’m standing, it looks open in the front. The denim covering her perfect fucking ass is so tight it has my damn mouth watering.

  Suddenly I realize I’m standing an inch away from her. My lungs drag air through my nose and I finally get the hit, the fix of my Lil’s scent, that I’ve been hungry for for over twenty fucking years.

  I never should have let her out of my fucking car that night. I should have told David Shaw to either put the bullet in my head or learn to fucking like my ass because I wasn’t leaving Lil. I should have done every fucking thing except pack my shit up and move to Lake Charles at the end of that summer.

  Regret floods throughout my entire system.

  All the time I wasted, every fucking time I drove up here to check on her… Why, in one of all those trips, didn’t I just walk up to her and tell her I needed her, that I wanted her? That’s all I ever had to do—just let her see me, tell her I loved her and that I refused to live without her. And right now, in this moment, I don’t have a single fucking explanation for why I didn’t.

  I can guaran-fucking-tee you I won’t make that goddamn mistake today.

  “So now what do I do?”

  My eyes pin the little twerp she’s talking to in his spot from where I’m still standing—directly behind Lil. “Ma’am, I don’t…” He looks back up at me for a split second but doesn’t have the balls to maintain eye contact. He instantly looks back at my firecracker. “Ma’am, I-I-I… I d-don’t know w-what t-to t-tell you.”

  An exasperated sigh leaves Lil before she growls, almost making me lose my shit and bust out laughing. “Okay, well, find me someone who does, please. Sir.”

  Her sarcasm-drenched ‘sir’ has me chuckling; my breath blows wisps of her hair.

  Well… Okay, here we fucking go…

  “I’m pretty sure I can help ya out there, firecracker.”

  When Lil’s entire fucking body tenses up, I question myself for less than a second, wondering if I did the right thing all those years by not speaking when I saw her.

  But before that thought can even gain any merit, I decide it really doesn’t fucking matter anymore. Shit, I’ve spoken now. No going back. Might as well keep going…

  “Lil? You gonna turn around and let me see those baby blues?”

  As soon as I see the tension drain from her, I move, putting myself in front of her, putting us face to face for the first time since that damned night in my Camaro twenty years ago.

  The tears that are falling down her sheetrock-smudged cheeks fucking rip me to shreds. Somehow my hands are already cupping her face and my thumbs are brushing away her tears before I realize what I’m doing.

  “Aww… Baby, don’t cry. Please don’t cry…shh.” I slide my arms around her shoulders and shove a hand in the hair at the nape of her neck, holding her to me as close as I can. “‘Kay?” I whisper against her ear.

  My eyes squeeze shut when I feel her lean into me. It’s hell holding back the tears, but it’s my next thought that almost knocks me to my knees.

  Jesus Christ, I’m finally home. MotherFUCK! I’m finally home. God, I’ve missed this woman so damn much for too damn long, but everything is going to be okay, because I’m back home now and I’m never leaving again.

  “Mmm sorry… I don’t know why… I didn’t mean to cry. It’s just—”

  A smirk tilts the side of my mouth up. “You missed me? Missed me so much it brought tears to your eyes, baby?”

  My question has her squeezing her eyes shut and muttering, “Sure. We’ll roll with that answer.”

  I’m gonna end up licking and biting that bottom lip of hers if she doesn’t stop chewing it to hell.

  Fuck… I got new plans for that mouth of hers.

  I cough before the groan can escape my throat, and when her eyes meet mine for the first time, I say the first thing that pops into my head. “Hey, you.”

  My firecracker blushes for me again for the first time in twenty years. Then she whispers “Hey.” That’s all it takes for my dick to go from mostly hard to hard as fuck.

  Yep, it’s time to get the hell outta Dodge. I look over Lil’s head just long enough to tell the twerp, “I’ll take care of her problem, kid.” When I glance back down into Lil’s blue eyes, it takes everything in me to nod towards the exit instead of taking her mouth with mine. “Let’s get out of here, go get some lunch.”

  Before I can move us toward the exit, she hesitates, causing me to stop. She blinks several times, reminding me of a deer caught in headlights before saying, “Leo, I’m married, I… We have a child. I can’t go to lunch with you.”

  The second I opened my mouth today and spoke to her, it set some wheels in motion. That was me tipping the first domino in a very long line of dominos.

  Lil doesn’t know it yet, but we’ve begun a future that I have spent years meticulously planning, waiting for this moment.

  The smirk on my face is the only indication that inside I’m laughing over how insignificant her marriage is in the grand scheme of things.

  “Well, I ain’t askin’ you to bed. I just want to eat, not fuck.” I wink at her and slide an arm around her shoulder, leading her towards the exit before I finish my sentence. “Well, not yet.”

  The look on her face is… Well, it’s fuckin’ adorable. That’s all there is to it.

  “Besides, I gotta know what in the hell you were thinking when you took a sledgehammer to your entire bedroom wall because you w
anted a fireplace, baby.”

  As soon as we step outside, the sun hits her face and reflects off the blond curls piled on her head, immediately reminding me of back when she was mine. When she’d play and dance around in the sun. The summer that she was just my firecracker, soaking up as much as she could out of life.

  My thoughts and emotions are all over the place, bouncing from our past to all the times we were close enough to touch and she never knew it. Then they bounce to the future and my plans to make up for all the time we’ve wasted apart.

  In an effort to keep control over the pain in my chest and all of the crazy shit happening in my head, I use present topics to joke around with her on our way to the restaurant.

  I’m fucking grasping at straws over here to keep shit light, because as soon as it gets heavy she’ll withdraw. Shit, she’ll haul ass, taking with her any chance I have at making us work.

  Lunch seems to be going okay. Well, for the most part.

  I slip. It is only fucking once, and if it were anyone but Lil I was talking to, they never would have noticed. But Lil? She doesn’t only notice. She fucking zeroes in on that bitch and takes my balls off at the base for it.

  When she finishes her rant with my balls bleeding to death in the palm of her hand, it fucking hits me.

  Mack truck, meet Leo.

  I’ll be motherfucking goddamned. Every-fucking-thing David Shaw said that actually worked, that I took as the gospel truth about how Lil really felt about me, the words behind the ONLY reason I left my baby firecracker… They were all fucking lies.

  After I tell her, leaving out a shitload of details, what happened…I do what the fuck I always do when it counts—I fuck up. I tell her I love her.