Better vs. Worse

by Mary E Thompson

  “I heard you two talking. I heard everything.”

  “You did?” Her face drained of color. Pale wasn’t a good look on her.

  A part of me wanted to comfort her, to drag her into my arms and tell her it was okay. That I understood. That she should be with Micah because he was a good guy and she deserved the best.

  But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The words lodged in my throat and refused to come out. I couldn’t tell her that she should be with someone else. Not when every cell in my body was screaming that she belonged with me.

  “It’s okay. I get it. I knew this would never last. The sex was good, but I can find better.”

  She flinched like I slapped her. Anger and pain filled her eyes.

  I ached to take the words back, but seeing her hurt gave me something to hold on to. If she was upset by what I said, then it wasn’t as easy for her to ditch me as she made it sound.

  “Wow. I gotta admit, I didn’t expect that response. I shouldn’t be surprised coming from you, though.”

  “Yeah, well, we both know what kind of person I am.”

  Ada nodded and crossed her arms over her chest. I let myself have one last look. I’d do everything in my power to stay away from her after tonight. I couldn’t stand by and watch her and Micah. I just couldn’t.

  “Well, I guess at least I know the whole truth now. I can move on with my life.”

  “I thought you already did,” I spat.

  “Move on?”

  “You seem to have them lined up.”

  Ada smirked, a little bit of the woman I loved sneaking back into her eyes. “And now I don’t have a standing appointment at your house every night. No needy guy asking me to come over every night. It was getting too close to a relationship with us. But now I’m free to sleep with whomever I want.”

  She turned and walked away, leaving me to stare after her.

  I stayed in the shadows for a few minutes, trying to pull my shit together. I’d been through break-ups before. The crazy ex was the worst because she was…well, batshit crazy.

  But none of them ever hurt like hearing Ada say she was done. That one would stay with me forever.

  I found my way back to the reception and caught Ginny’s attention. I needed a ride home, and she was still sitting by herself.

  “Take me home,” I said, more of a demand than a request.

  She took one look at me and nodded.

  We were on the road within minutes. I put my head back and closed my eyes, trying to block out the conversation I had with Ada. I didn’t need to think about it.

  Ginny parked in my driveway and followed me inside. I went straight to the cabinet and grabbed the whiskey. I turned the bottle up and guzzled it until I was pretty sure I could pass out without any more thoughts of Ada.

  I said goodnight to Ginny and passed out. I’d deal with the fallout in the morning.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and a bladder full of whiskey. I took care of the second problem and stumbled back to bed in hopes the first would resolve itself.

  Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the hurt I put on Ada. I hated myself for not giving her a chance to say anything. It was selfish, and I was drunk. I owed her at least that much consideration. I’d known her forever, and I treated her like a woman who didn’t matter to me.

  After tossing and turning for almost an hour, I forced myself to get up. I grabbed a few pain killers to dull the ache in my head and went to the kitchen. Breakfast was first on my agenda for the day. The rest of the day probably called for a nap. A long one so I could forget about my miserable night.

  I’d just finished cooking eggs, bacon, and toast when someone knocked on the door. I finished scooping my food onto the plate and headed to the door just as they started pounding on the door.

  “Jeez, I’m coming, I’m coming,” I yelled at whoever was trying to break my door down.

  I yanked it open and the headache that was starting to fade came roaring back at the sight of Ada framed by sunshine in a bright yellow top and white shorts that showed off her legs.

  She pushed past me into the house and spun on me. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  I shrugged. Was she talking at the moment or the night before or in general? There was a lot wrong with me, although I assumed she knew that.

  “You were a complete asshole last night. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life.”

  “You were humiliated? That’s rich.”

  “See this is what I’m talking about. You’re acting like you’re the one who’s wronged here. I don’t get it.”

  I shook my head. Did she want me to spell it all out for her? Too fucking bad. I wasn’t going to be the pathetic asshole who confessed he was in love with the woman who had one foot out the door. I knew how that story ended. Here’s a hint, not well for the pathetic asshole.

  “What are you doing here, Ada?”

  She sighed and looked up at me. Her eyes told me so much more than her words ever would, but I couldn’t trust them anymore. What I always told myself was affection, maybe even love, looked like pity now. What I thought was desire looked like indifference.

  I’d spent weeks analyzing everything between us. Replaying every moment we had together. When Sawyer and Ginny and even Chad tried to convince me to tell Ada how I felt, I convinced myself they were right. They were all people I trusted and respected and thought were smarter than me. I put their words and Ada’s actions together and thought I knew where things were going.

  But it was all wrong. They were all wrong. Ada was forging a connection with Micah every day at work and getting her rocks off with me. Hell, she was probably sleeping with both of us. That was what she told me when we started whatever it was we had.

  “I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Ada finally said. “I was worried about you.”

  I went back to my kitchen and left her to follow me or stay there. I didn’t really care either way. I just needed a break from staring at her and knowing I’d never touch her again.

  “I’m good. Having breakfast. Moving on like we said last night.”

  She licked her lips and tugged the bottom one between her teeth. She held it there, a sign that she was nervous. Or upset.

  She was there to make sure I knew, in the light of day, when I couldn’t blame the alcohol for making me forget, that we were done. She was moving on, and she didn’t need me anymore.

  “Listen, we don’t need to do this,” I said. “I think we both said everything we needed to say last night. We don’t need to rehash it all now.”

  She held my gaze for a few seconds, that damn lip still clamped between her teeth.

  I started eating my breakfast, hoping it would quiet the queasiness in my stomach. I couldn’t take her standing there much longer. A day ago, if she’d shown up at my house, we’d be having sex by now. But everything was different. I knew what she and Micah were talking about and she knew that I knew. So we were done.

  “So you meant what you said last night? About what you heard Micah and I talking about?”

  I shrugged like it was no big deal. “Yeah. We’re good. I’m out. Have a nice life.”

  Jesus, I was an asshole. I was always an asshole when I hurt.

  She huffed a breath. “I thought we had something, Kapena. I really thought—”

  “What’s all the damn noise out here?” Ginny asked, appearing from the hallway to the bedrooms.

  Shit. Ginny. I forgot all about her. She must have stayed in Sawyer’s room after I passed out.

  Ada’s gaze snagged on Ginny. Or on Ginny’s lack of clothes. She stretched her arms over her head, and my t-shirt rode up her thighs until the purple bikini panties she wore peeked out. It was obvious she’d just woken up and had stayed the night with me.

  And Ada thought that meant with me.

  Ada’s sharp intake of breath hitched. She flashed Ginny a smile that came nowhere near her eyes. “It’s good to s
ee you again, Ginny.”

  Ginny’s eyes blinked open and searched the room for the voice she didn’t expect. She took in Ada in her neat and clean outfit and me leaning against the peninsula in only my boxers.

  Well, damn, Ginny and I did look like we spent all night screwing each other’s brains out. That would give Ada something to think about when she built her happy little life with Micah.

  “Want some breakfast?” I asked Ginny, pushing my plate toward her. I couldn’t eat another bite if I tried, but knowing it would cement the idea of Ginny and I together in Ada’s mind made me do it.

  She wasn’t the only one moving on, even if my version was just for show.

  “You sure?” Ginny asked. She moved to my side and picked up my fork without waiting for an answer and started eating my breakfast. “I’m starving. I don’t think I got any sleep last night.”

  Ada pulled in another breath. “I should go.”

  I looked up at her. “Yeah. You should.” I kissed the side of Ginny’s head, a move that I’ve done a thousand times. I lingered just long enough that Ada noticed. Long enough that she understood exactly what was going on.

  “I hope you two are happy together. Goodbye, Kapena.”

  “Bye,” I said, staying in the kitchen so I didn’t grab her before she walked out of my life for good.

  The door clicked shut with the finality of the moment. Ginny ate my eggs, and I stood frozen, everything inside me following Ada out the door, into her car, and down the street when she pulled away.

  I didn’t know how long I stood there before Ginny asked, “What was Ada doing here so early?”

  I pushed off the counter and shrugged. “Said she wanted to make sure I was okay.”

  “That was nice of her. She didn’t have to leave just because I got up. You guys could have kicked me out.”

  I shook my head. “There’s no need. Ada and I are done.”

  Ginny looked up at me. She heard the conviction in my voice and finally realized I wasn’t making the whole thing up. “What just happened, Kapena?”

  “Ada thinks we slept together.”

  “What? I was in Sawyer’s old room. After you passed out, I was worried about you, so I stayed. You have to tell her nothing happened between us.”

  I shook my head again. None of it mattered. Ada could believe whatever she wanted. It didn’t change that she wanted someone else.

  “She believed what she wanted to believe. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Kapena, you have to go after her. That was not a woman who was on her way out the door. She loves you. I could see it.”

  “You couldn’t see anything except my breakfast,” I joked, hoping it would derail Ginny.

  No such luck.

  “I don’t know why you’re making this so hard. She’s in love with you, and you’re in love with her. You two should be together. You never should have let her leave here thinking something was going on with us. She won’t forgive you for cheating on her.”

  “I’m not cheating on her. We’d have to be in a relationship for that to happen. She never wanted that. She wanted to sleep with as many guys as possible. That’s how I got the job. She decided I was one of them. The stable one. The one she could count on to get her off, even if the others failed. I wasn’t cheating on her because all we had was sex. She didn’t love me. She didn’t even like me as far as I could tell. We never talked or went out or ate dinner together. It was sex.”

  Ginny went silent after my outburst. She stared at me as my chest heaved and my pulse raced. I wanted to take it all back, but I couldn’t. I was telling the truth. It wasn’t a matter of opinion, it was fact.

  And the fact was Ada didn’t want me.

  “I really wish you’d talk to her. I think you’re misreading this whole thing. You only heard part of her conversation with Micah. Maybe there was more to it.”

  “I heard enough,” I spat. “I can’t do this, Gin. I’m going surfing if you want to join me. I’ll have your board done this afternoon. I’ll leave it outside for you.”

  Ginny nodded but didn’t move. I changed into board shorts and a rash guard then went outside. The sun hurt my head, but the surf would calm me. It always did.

  I took my new board. I needed to surf hard, and that board was made for it. I dove beneath the waves, cutting effortlessly into the water on my way out to where I wanted to be.

  I forced thoughts of Ada away and focused on the surf. I jumped on the first wave that came in and pushed myself to get to it even though it was a little too far ahead of me. I caught that one and raced back out for another.

  I surfed for hours. It didn’t matter that I was starving or that my head throbbed. It didn’t matter that there was nothing inside me. I had the water. I would always have the water.

  The sun was starting to ease back toward the horizon before I thought about going in. A huge set rolled up behind me. It was a little bigger than I usually saw, but I could handle it. I needed it.

  I paddled hard and caught the wave perfectly. It grabbed my board and flung me toward the shore. I jumped up, dipping into the hollow tube at the back end of the wave. It was a fast wave, speeding toward shore.

  The front closed up, sending spray into my face. It blocked my view for just long enough that I lost my footing, my hungover brain misinterpreting the way I felt and shifted me the wrong way.

  I tipped over the side of the board right into the wave. The swirl flipped me and tossed me under the water. I clamped my eyes shut against the sting of salt water knowing I had to wait until the wave passed over me before I could find up again and get out of it.

  Something hit my side. I realized it was my board about a second before another wave slammed me into it. The board and I toppled together, going hard to the sand. The tip of my board dug in, finding a rock or something to grab hold of, but the rest of the board and me moved forward, fast and hard.

  The snap echoed through the water. I knew what it was instantly. I’d never broken a board, but I’d seen it.

  When the water finally gave me a chance to get topside, I yanked the leash off my ankle and swam in. The other half of my board was almost on the beach when I grabbed it.

  It was almost poetic. The board I made to impress Ada, the dream I had of a future with her, snapped in half the same day we did. The board was gone and so was the woman.

  I wanted to toss it all and get the hell out of town, but I had work to do. I told Anderson I’d have his boards ready in two weeks, and I needed to finish Ginny’s.

  I poured myself into their boards, working until it was too late to see what I was doing. Ginny’s board was done, and Anderson’s were shaped.

  I sat back and looked at the two pieces of my board. I needed to start over. That was my only choice.

  I realized the next morning that I never looked at my phone the day before. I checked for messages and was surprised when there was one from an unknown number.

  “Hi, um, I’m not sure whose number this is. I’m sorry. I saw your flyer about the photo album. The picture looks like my parents. And I am missing some stuff from the tsunami. If you could give me a call back, I’d really appreciate it. Oh, um, this is Lane.”

  Well, damn. Sawyer’s flyers did the trick.

  I called the number back and left a voicemail for Lane. I spent the rest of the day wondering about her and her parents. While I waited for her to return my call, I worked on Anderson’s boards and got supplies to make another one for me.

  The phone rang late that afternoon and I jumped at it. “Hello?”

  “Hi, is this Kapena?”

  “It is. Is this Lane?”

  “Yeah,” she said with a small laugh. “This is so weird. I can’t believe you found the album.”

  “I’m glad I did. My buddy’s a photographer so he tried to repair the pictures. Some of them were pretty damaged.”

  “I never thought I’d see any of them again. It means a lot that you would do this for me.”

  I smiled. Fo
r the first time in two days, I didn’t feel like a complete waste of space.

  “I’d love to get it back to you. When could we meet up?”

  “Well, I live up in Puako. Where are you?”

  “I’m in Ke’aloha. I can come up and meet you sometime, though. My schedule is pretty flexible.”

  “Oh, no,” Lane protested immediately. “I couldn’t ask you to do that. You’ve already done so much by finding it and finding me.”

  “Speaking of which, how did you hear about it? I didn’t post any signs that far north.”

  “I have a friend in your area. She thought it looked like my parents in the picture and called me.”

  “Nice friend.”

  “Yeah, she is. I would have been really upset if I realized the pictures were gone and I never found them.”

  “Well, I can run up to you today or tomorrow. What do you think?”

  “I really feel bad asking you to do that,” Lane said.

  I shook my head. “It’s not a problem at all. I have a couple days off. I don’t mind coming up that way.”

  Lane sighed. I could hear her debating to herself.

  I needed to do it. I needed to know I did something that was good. That helped someone else. I needed to know everything in my life wasn’t destroyed just by virtue of being a part of me.

  “Are you sure, Kapena?”

  “Absolutely. I don’t mind at all. What’s your schedule?”

  “Well, I work during the day, so evening would be best. How about you let me take you to dinner. Are you sure tomorrow works?”

  “Lane. Stop worrying. I wouldn’t tell you I could come up there if I couldn’t. You’re not that far from me.”

  She breathed a laugh. “Okay. Thanks, Kapena. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow, Lane. Thanks.”

  “Thank you, Kapena. So much.”

  She gave me the name of a restaurant to meet her at and we hung up.

  It definitely didn’t replace Ada, but it felt good to do something for someone else. I needed it.