Barely Breathing (Just Breathe)

by Heather Allen

  "Dude, I think you're overreacting a little. I just met the girl. I wasn't in the mood for Jessica today, she's annoying sometimes." Hopefully this will get him off my back. I really don't feel like talking about this right now.

  "Okay, just making sure we're still in it together. By the way when can you practice this week? Davis is trying to get us a gig in a couple of weeks."

  Great, more harassment. I neglected to let them know my mom put a stop to my involvement in the band. I decide to let it go a little longer. Maybe I can get her to come around before I have to let them down.

  "Just find out when Davis can practice and let me know. I'll see if I can make it." I tell him.

  The rest of the ride is the same old junk. Not another word about Sara, which is good.

  I have enough to think about concerning her. I wonder if she's at my house yet or if she's coming over today, at all.

  We pull into the drive and there are no other cars. This is good, no fuel for Garrett's constant badgering. But I am wondering why she suddenly changed our deal.

  I get out of the car and call behind me, "Later."

  As I climb the steps, I notice that the bench swing is moving. I glance over and see Sara with one leg dangling over the edge and the other pulled under her. She's reading again. She must not have heard us pull up because she hasn't looked up yet. I stand there and take in the sight. Her wavy, golden hair is hanging across her face. One hand is touching her pink lips as if she's deep in thought. And that leg, just peeking out of her dress, it goes on forever. It's moving the swing, just slightly.

  She must feel my eyes on her. She glances up and notices me. She jumps as if I startled her. My eyes meet hers. I could get lost in them, like they're a mirror of the ocean. She pushes her hair behind her ear and closes her book looking down over the edge of the swing to find her shoes and slips into them as she climbs off the bench.

  As she walks slowly toward me I glance away and fumble with my keys, trying to unlock the door. She reaches out her hand to stop me. I glance back down at her.

  "How long were you standing there?"

  I shrug my shoulders, caught, "Not long."

  She licks her bottom lip, I can't help but notice. Something in me does a tumble and I suddenly can't breathe. She takes her hand away from my keys so I look down trying to find the right one. Ugh, how long does it take to open a door? Finally, I find the key and open the door letting her go first. I stand there for a few seconds longer, trying to catch my breath.

  Damn James, get it together.

  When I walk into the hall it's empty. I glance into the kitchen first and find it empty. I walk down the hall toward the living room and notice her shoes on the floor. I step over them, about to walk into the living room when a hand comes out of nowhere. I use my arms to block it. Then she's in front of me with a huge smile. Oh so that's how this is going to go.

  I hold up one finger signaling for her to give me a minute. I kick off my shoes and crouch down in a fighting stance.

  She laughs out loud, "Really!"

  I shrug and move forward. It happens faster than I can say her name. One second I am approaching her on two feet, the next she has flipped me over and I'm flat on my back on the hardwood floor, looking up at her.

  I smirk up at her, "Was that my ass kicking?" She moves around me so I'm looking at her upside down.

  She shakes her head, "No, this is..." She comes at me with a fist but I bounce back up to my fighting stance. This is a chick, not sure I feel comfortable fighting her.

  Suddenly I feel her hands on my arms and her foot swiping my feet out from under me. I'm on my back again. What the hell?

  I use my back and hands to bounce back up. We go around in a circle a couple of times, finally I go in and sweep her off her feet. She lands on her back.

  Okay so I wouldn't be a good guy if I didn't say, that just completely killed me. I just can't fight a girl.

  She bounces back up the same way I did before and comes after me with her fists. I block all of her punches but don't fight back.

  "Come on James, fight back." She's a little winded as she yells at me.

  I shake my head no. She glares and tries to take me down again but I block her feet and she ends up on the floor again. She bounces up again and tries to kick me this time. I block each kick but still don't fight back. I have to admit,the kicking, now, that's hot.

  She alternates between punching and kicking but doesn't get one through my blocks. I can tell she's getting frustrated with me. Finally, I grab both of her arms. She uses this to her advantage and takes me down with her feet. I land on my back and she ends up on top of me with a leg on either side of my body. She moves her body down mine and leans in close. My heart is beating so fast. Parts of my body have awakened and I'm still holding onto her arms. I let go and put my hands on her hips. As she leans closer, I can smell a lemony scent. I can't imagine a better scent. Her lips lightly glance my cheek, then I hear her soft voice in my ear, "We found your fight James."

  The next second she's off of me standing and looking back down at me with that beautiful smile. This girl is going to be the death of me.

  She holds out her hand to help me up. I take it and easily stand up. I look down at her. I want to kiss her so bad. Her smile wavers, I can tell she feels it too. She turns and finds her shoes. She slides her feet in and tells me over her shoulder as she walks toward the front door, "I'll see you, same time tomorrow." I let her go, I need to get myself under control.

  Chapter 12

  Ever

  I'm swimming and actually winded. I've never been winded in the sea before. This thought occurs to me right before something slams into me. The breath is nearly knocked out of me. I'm gasping for air that I know won't come. I grasp for the sky. I can see it beyond the water. It shines bright blue as the water transforms it with each movement. I'm falling farther away from it, it gets smaller the farther I fall. The darkness devours me. A small voice calls my name, "Ever...then louder, Ever...Swim...Ever"... the last word is choked, "Swim." But I can't, I have no energy. I still grasp for the sky that I suddenly know I will never see again. Warm arms envelope me. I glance back up at the blue I'm familiar with, then toward the green I know is right there.

  I wake not really able to breathe. A calmness has fallen over me but I still can't get any air. The calm doesn't last. Panic starts to rise in my stomach. If my dreams tell me anything, it's that something bad is going to happen. Something bad, with Jack. I can't let anything happen to him.

  I wonder if I should mention these current dreams to Amber. This is the third one involving Jack and Alex. They were both right there, almost together in my dream, not good. I roll over and pull the pillow over my head. I can't deal with this.

  I am suddenly homesick. Amber is great but she isn't my Gabbi . I head out to eat, not sure what I should do. Amber is in the kitchen when I swim in. When I see her, I decide now isn't the time.

  "Hey, how did you sleep?"

  "Alright I guess, you?"

  She takes a drink of water, "Good, are you going with Alex today?"

  He told me yesterday when he left me here that he would be back today. He told me that we need to find other things I'm good at. I avoided talking about it. I have no desire to fight with anything else. I like the bow and arrow and that'll do as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure he left frustrated with me. What's new?

  "Yeah, he said he'd be back. I guess."

  "You seem a little down, are you okay Ever?"

  I glance over, grab an apple, and nod, "Just thinking a lot, I'm good."

  She doesn't push, she knows better.

  I get up from the table and go to wait for Alex in the front room. The more I think about my dreams, the more I feel like I need to go home. I really need to see Gabbi. I think about asking Alex if it's okay for me to go back, just to see my parents, but he almost lost it with me yesterday when he was trying to remind me about my obligations here. Maybe I should just 'travel' home. But they will t
hink I abandoned them or went to the Erebus.

  I like spending time with Alex. He is very patient and tells me pretty much what I want to know. Jack was always so evasive. Ugh, why am I even comparing them? There is no comparison. Jack, yes, he definitely has my heart.

  I do feel like I need to get away for a little while though. My poor Gam-aw. While I've been galavanting around down here, she's been covering for me with my parents. That is so not fair to an eighty year old. She has other things to worry about.

  I remember the last time I traveled to her apartment in Chicago. She didn't know I made the choice to come to the sea and I ended up in her bathtub with my fin. It was the first time I' traveled' and pretty funny now that I think about it. I must have looked ridiculous. I miss her too. My heart aches for everyone on land. I close my eyes and put my head in my arms to rest a minute and try to clear my mind.

  ***

  I realize after a minute, my skin is drying and I'm breathing air and not water. Oh no, I panic and look up quickly. I'm in the tub again. Crap!

  I hear a noise coming from the other room then a voice, "Ever, is that you?"

  I look down, I still have a fin. I close my eyes and think, legs, legs, legs.

  When I open them, my legs are back and Gam-aw is leaning against the doorframe, major de ja' vu. She is covered in baby blue leggings and a purple T-shirt that has a depiction of E.T. with the caption, 'E.T phone home'. How appropriate for my current situation.

  "I was wondering when you would make an appearance." A wide smile spreads across her face and her eyes crinkle. I scurry out of the tub and hug her as hard as I can.

  "Careful there, Ever, I'm not as tough as I used to be." I smile just so happy to see her.

  My hug softens, "Gam-aw, I missed you so much."

  "I missed you too. I was wondering how long I was going to have to ward off your parents."

  I wince, "I'm sorry about that..."

  Panic starts to take away my happy feelings, no one knows where I went. Alex is going to be so hurt.

  Gam-aw takes my cheeks in her hands, "Hey, what was that, are you okay?"

  I shake my head and head for the kitchen. I need to sit down. She follows me in and drapes a towel around my shoulders.

  "Gam-aw, I didn't leave on purpose, I was just missing you and I kind of ended up here."

  She laughs, "You have plenty of time to master this 'travel' thing. I never had it, I can only imagine how difficult it is."

  I shake my head again, "The problem is more that no one knows I left. I didn't tell anyone."

  I break down, tears run down my cheeks. All the emotions from everything rush at me. My tears turn to sobs. I can't catch my breath again. Gam-aw moves her chair next to mine and rubs my back.

  She doesn't say anything, she just keeps rubbing.

  It all comes pouring out of me, literally. My sobs continue. Each time I try to catch my breath, more tears come.

  She soothes after a while, "It's alright honey, don't hold it back. You need to let it all out."

  ***

  I wake with a start and sit up completely disoriented. I glance around the yellow room. The sunlight is seeping through the blinds making the room even brighter. I remember, I 'traveled' here to Gam-aw's apartment in Chicago. I collapse back into the bed and move my arm to cover my eyes. I'm definitely not feeling this bright and shiny room at the moment. Alex is going to be so upset. Actually I'm sure he already is, I've been gone for a while now.

  Last night when I finally calmed down, I filled my Gam-aw in on Jack's betrayal and how I ended up with the Lior. She didn't seem quite as upset as I thought she'd be since Jack is with Jaspen now, her ex. She seemed more concerned about me which of course brought more waterworks. I think I finally cried myself into exhaustion and ended up falling asleep. Oh, no dream last night. Well, at least something good came out of this. I sigh, what am I going to do? I can't go back right now, no... I can, I just don't want to. I want to see Gabbi and my parents.

  I hear a gentle knock on the door, "Come in."

  Gam-aw walks in and sits on the edge of the bed. I sit up and give her a small smile.

  "Are you feeling better today?"

  I nod apprehensively, "A little."

  She glances at her hands and back at me, "I think we need to talk about this college thing. You are going to have to go back and you need to have a story for your parents."

  My heart sinks when she mentions that I have to go back to the sea. There's nothing there for me.

  "Ever, you do know you have to go back, don't you?"

  I look into her eyes and the tears start again but I nod afraid my voice will give away how I really feel. Like my emotions, haven't done that, already.

  "Oh honey, I'm sorry, I wish I could take it all away."

  I put my hand on her hand and squeeze letting her know I know this already. I wipe my tears and take a deep breath, silently telling myself, commit and deal, commit and deal.

  "Gam-aw, I think I need a shower and some real clothes." I try the best smile I can muster.

  She winks, "I went and bought some stuff for you, I had a feeling you'd come here."

  I head for the bathroom. Before I leave the room she calls after me, "Ever."

  I turn.

  "You do remember that I told you things would get worse before they get better?"

  I nod remembering that she told me that right after I decided to become a mermaid, before I followed Jack.

  "This is some of the bad honey, but I promise the good will come, you just have to make it through."

  I run back and hug her, I love my Gam-aw. I just hate all this stupid crying.

  Chapter 13

  James

  Sleep didn't happen last night. I tossed and turned all night. That thing with Sara yesterday completely threw me. She is so nice on the eyes. This has never happened before. Usually I hook up with a girl and that's it, I don't think about her again. But I didn't even kiss Sara and I can't get her out of my head.

  ***

  My feet barely make it off the steps on the way to Garrett's car. I open the door.

  "Hey man, What's wrong with you?"

  I mumble and pull my hood over my head, "Didn't sleep well."

  I put my ear buds in and turn my music up. The last thing I need this morning is any shit from Garrett.

  ***

  I end up falling asleep during my first class which earned me a detention after school. Great. So I skip second and walk across the street to the park, intending to take a nap for a little while. The bench isn't the most comfortable, but I know no one will bother me. Especially now that Ever isn't around. She and Gabbi always meet there between classes or whatever it is that girls do. I just need an hour to feel better. I doze off thinking about the sea.

  ***

  "James. James." I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder, rolling over.

  "James, I missed you in class today."

  I glance over trying to focus. Sara. I rub my eyes and sit up.

  "Hey, how...how are you?"

  She giggles, "Really, I should be the one asking you that."

  I pat the bench beside me, "What time is it anyway?"

  She sits next to me and takes out her phone, "11:30, we have officially missed the start of fourth period."

  I shrug my shoulders, today is a lost cause as far as I'm concerned.

  She shifts like she's uncomfortable. I glance over at her and she's looking at her hands fidgeting.

  I smirk, she's nervous around me.

  Then, she takes me completely by surprise, "James, You and me...we are not a good thing."

  She looks up at me. Her eyes are so sad.

  I shake my head. There isn't a, her and me, yet. Obviously, she must not be interested. Maybe the impression I got from her yesterday was wrong. Usually I can read girls pretty well. I decide to play it off. If she's not interested it's fine, I'll get over it.

  "I think maybe you got the wrong impression, there isn't a, you and
me."

  This is harder than I thought. I look away and add, "You're just here watching over me to make sure I don't get into trouble anyway. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea."

  I look back at her and she looks hurt but says, "You know... that is exactly why I am here."

  She gets up and starts to walk toward school but turns around and claims, "And sitting here skipping class isn't helping your cause."

  She turns on her heel and doesn't glance back again. I watch her go. What the hell was that? She's the one that basically told me she wasn't interested. Girls suck!

  ***

  I made it to lunch. I looked for her in the lunch room but she wasn't there. Jessica came on to me again and I let her. I needed something to keep my mind off of Sara. She completely threw me.

  I let Garrett know about my detention and text my mom about a ride home. This is only going to extend my current punishment with my parents. I text Sara to let her know that I won't be home after school. I wouldn't want her to show up with no one there. She doesn't respond. I didn't really expect a response though. I'm not even sure if I'll see her again. I was a pretty big jerk.

  ***

  Detention sucks but what sucks worse is the look my mom gives me when I get in the car after.

  She lays into me as soon as I close the door, "James I thought we were past all this rebellion stuff. I mean you lost the band, you can't go anywhere. What is there left to take away to get through to you?"

  Did I mention my mom is emotional? Why are the women in my family so emotional, I can't take it.

  I hold my hand up to stop her rant for a second, "Ah mom, I promise I'm not rebelling. I just fell asleep in my first class. I didn't get much sleep last night."