Barely Breathing (Just Breathe)

by Heather Allen

  Tonight, though, I decide I need to face up to reality and talk to her. We need to have a plan just in case she goes back soon. This opposite sides thing has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. There is no way we can fight against each other.

  After dinner I can tell she is doing that avoidance thing, big time. She's been in a mood ever since Alex left. Right after prom he said he needed to get back, which scared me a little. I thought for sure Jaspen would appear suddenly in my bedroom, telling me to get back there. But he never showed and I relaxed after a week. Sara is still here so that probably means we are still in good shape with staying on land. He really kept his word to let me finish out the school year. I have to admire him for that.

  Ever finishes and excuses herself telling us she doesn't feel that well. She heads up to her room. I sit with my parents a while longer and tell them about the plan for tomorrow night after graduation. Gabbi's parents are throwing a surprise graduation party for Gabbi and Ever. My band is playing the party. My parents are finally coming around and supporting us... a little.

  I excuse myself and head upstairs walking straight to Ever's room. I knock and wait for her to answer.

  She calls out softly, "Yes?"

  I walk in and close the door. She is already curled up in her blanket hugging her pillow. She is such a mess. I wish I could take all this junk away. She pats the edge of the bed so I sit next to her.

  She admits sadly, "You know this may be the last time we get to talk."

  I shake my head, she is so dramatic.

  "I doubt it, but I wanted to see if you had any thoughts on some sort of plan. We will probably go back soon and I don't want us to even think about having to fight each other."

  She looks so sad. "James, I have no idea what we should do. The closer graduation gets, the more I dread everything."

  "I know but it's tomorrow and we have to deal with it."

  She smirks, "You always had that attitude. It's good for you to feel that way."

  We sit in silence with our own thoughts for a while. Finally, she looks over with a smile and grabs my hand squeezing, "It'll all work out. I don't know how, but everything will be okay. I have to believe that."

  I nod, knowing that she is trying to convince herself as well as me. Whatever we need to do, to face something, so unknown, I'll do.

  "Then if either one of us sees the other out there, head in the other direction."

  She nods.

  I get up and start to walk to the door.

  She calls out as I reach for the handle, "James, I won't fight you either. I just wanted you to know."

  I don't look back but turn the handle and walk out. We have a plan, no matter how things play out, we both refuse to hurt each other. Family is more important.

  ***

  Graduation went down without a hitch. Gabbi was valedictorian. Her speech was pretty inspiring. Right after, Sara and I drove over to pick up Garrett and Davis for the party. Our parents and Gabbi's are taking the girls out to dinner before suggesting they come to Gabbi's to watch a movie. I just hope Ever is up for a party.

  We set up in the back yard. They must have a couple of acres back here. It backs up to a low lying line of trees. Directly beneath the tree line is a rock garden with benches. Sara grabs my hand and pulls me out to the garden. She is very playful tonight. My heart beats faster just watching that girl. I sit on a bench and she sits on my lap clasping her arms around my neck. I place my hands around her waist and lower my mouth to hers. She ravages me with a deep, desperate kiss. When we are both out of breath we pull away. She looks into my eyes uneasily. Her turquoise eyes turn dark.

  "James, I have some bad news."

  I look at her questioningly, not sure I want to hear any bad news after that kiss.

  "I have to go back." My heart stops. I was afraid of this but I wasn't expecting it today.

  My grasp around her waist tightens.

  She leans in close, "I'm sorry, Jaspen needs me to come back."

  I ask, "When?"

  She winces, "Tomorrow."

  I run my hand through my hair closing my eyes. Then I feel her lips on mine. I kiss her back eagerly, momentarily forgetting about this terrible turn of events.

  Chapter 30

  Ever

  As soon as Gabbi pulls up to her house we know something isn't right. The whole street is lined with cars. She pulls into her drive way. The minute I open my door I hear thumping and my brother's voice. I knew something was up, my parents and James were acting all cryptic for a couple of days. I look over at Gabbi. She has this giant grin across her face.

  "It's a party girl, for us!"

  I shake my head, "I was afraid of that. Are you sure the music isn't coming from down the road."

  She gives me a look like I'm nuts. I smile, "I know, just wishful thinking, maybe."

  She walks around the car and puts her arm through mine.

  "Let's go, they need their guests of honor. Let the party begin."

  I giggle, okay so maybe I can socialize a little. I did just graduate from high school after all.

  We walk in and everyone yells surprise, ushering us to the backyard where James and the band are serenading us. I glance around noticing pretty much our entire class with the exception of a few people like Julia, definitely not missing her, are here. Michael and a large group of the football players are still dressed in their graduation gowns and caps. I can tell they've all been here for a little while with the volume at which they are talking. We head for the makeshift dance floor on the porch and dance our little hearts out.

  Sara and Gabbi keep bringing me drinks so a couple of hours later, I'm feeling pretty perfect with not a worry or care in the world. We dance the whole night. At one point James ushers Gabbi up on the little stage to sing with him. She's only ever sung with the band twice, both times during practices. This is huge for her to be singing in front of everyone, but she doesn't flinch and she sounds amazing. She sings a couple of songs. By the time James starts the third song with her, Sara and I have already downed three shots in a row. Not sure where all the alcohol came from, nor do I really care. I'm not going anywhere. We are jump dancing, probably looking ridiculous, laughing at everything.

  Gabbi suddenly stops singing mid-note. I glance in her direction to see why she stopped. The look on her face is complete shock and fear. I glance over and James' face mirrors hers. I follow their gaze and my world turns upside down. I feel myself falling as if in slow motion. I can't stop the floor from meeting my hands. As my eyelids lower, I hear Sara scream, "Nooooo, you can't be here...you promised!" Then I'm enveloped in darkness.

  ***

  My eyes flutter open then close again. I'm trying to get a clear thought. I remember drinking a lot and dancing like crazy. I raise my hand to my head to stop the spinning. I hear a gasp and muffled arguing in another room. I open my eyes slowly trying to remember where I am. The cushion I'm lying on suddenly sinks a little and someone grabs my hand.

  "Ever, honey, are you okay?"

  I blink again and focus on Gabbi's voice. I look over at her. She has a look of uneasiness on her face.

  "Hey, are you alright? You fainted."

  Then it comes back to me and hits me smack in the chest...Jack. I saw Jack. But it couldn't be. I look into her eyes to see if it's true. She nods. I look at her unbelieving and whisper, "It can't be. How?"

  She shrugs her shoulders, "I don't know, James is in there now, trying to find out. I...I don't think it's a good idea for you to see him."

  I sink further back into the couch and look around. We're in the entertainment room, my favorite room at Gabbi's house. He's here. Jack is here in Gabbi's house. The door creaks open. I glance quickly at the noise. My heart skips beats at the movement. James walks in and closes the door behind him. He comes over and takes Gabbi's place on the couch.

  "Hey Ever, how are you feeling?"

  I give him a look because if he can't already figure out my emotions right now, there is somethin
g seriously wrong with him.

  He tells me softly, "What do you want to do? He wants to see you."

  I look over at Gabbi. She frowns and looks down. I look around the room but we are the only three people in here. My eyes meet James'. I can see the sympathy in them but something else. Anger, just barely but I can see he's angry and trying to hold it back.

  Jack is here. My mind can't wrap around this. All I want to do is run in the opposite direction. I don't think my body can face any more rejection or heartache. But that love for him comes to the surface in me. Maybe I should see him. I still love him so much and he's here, he's actually here, wanting to see me. Then I remember how much he hurt me. He betrayed me and lied. I can't possibly face any more lies. How could I ever believe anything he has to say? I turn it all off. I can't see him. It will bring it all back. Things are more muffled now. I can deal with muffled, not new twists in my heart. I make a decision.

  I shake my head, "Tell him I don't want to see him."

  James stands up and glances at Gabbi. She sinks back to the couch.

  He looks back down at me and asks, "Are you sure?"

  I look up and nod, knowing this is the best decision. James leaves the room closing the door quickly. A minute goes by and I hear yelling. My brother's voice muffled but yelling. I sink my face into my hands.

  Gabbi rubs my arm and tells me, "It's going to be alright."

  I just nod and wait for the tears but they don't come. I feel a profound sadness. Maybe I have finally made it past the tears.

  We sit there for a while waiting. No one comes back. After a while, I can feel my eyelids start to droop. I sink lower into the couch and let sleep take me away from this nightmare.

  ***

  The next morning I wake with a pounding headache. I glance around the room and find that I'm in Gabbi's guest room, alone. Someone must have put me up here last night, probably James. I roll over and look towards the window. The sun's rays are reaching across the room. It must be late morning. I need some aspirin and some coffee. I climb out of bed and slip into the hall. Gabbi's bedroom door is open so I glance in, it's empty. I make myself halfway presentable and climb down the stairs toward the kitchen.

  "Well hello sleepy head. We wondered when you were going to get up." Gabbi's mom.

  I smirk and head straight for the coffee pot. Gabbi is sitting at the table avoiding eye contact with me. Who could blame her? She's probably wondering if I'm kicking myself for my decision last night. Actually I think it was the best decision even though my heart is breaking again, just knowing he was here.

  I sink into a chair and meet Gabbi's eyes. I see sadness and sympathy in them. I look away knowing already what she's going to say when we are alone. She'll tell me I made the best decision and I really should move on. I know this. It's just so hard. What I really need to do is grow a backbone and stop getting walked all over.

  Gabbi's mom asks, "So, did you girls have a good time last night?"

  Gabbi answers, "Yeah mom, thank you so much. It was a great time."

  She glances over toward me and adds, "I think having the band here was the best."

  I jump in, "Yes, thank you so much Mrs. Jones. Gabbi actually got up on stage and sang last night. She sounded really good."

  Her mom looks over surprised, "May be those voice lessons were worth something, after all."

  Gabbi rolls her eyes.

  She gets up from the table as Gabbi's dad walks in and tell us, "We're going to play tennis. Have a good day."

  Gabbi looks after them as they leave and turns to me once they've too left the room, "Are you going to be okay?"

  I nod and take a deep breath, "Getting better."

  "Ever, we have to talk about this."

  I frown and shake my head, "I don't want to talk. There's nothing more to say."

  I tell her, "Actually, I have decided that it's time for me to go back."

  She leans forward shocked, "Are you sure?"

  Thinking about this decision is actually calming to me. I am sure. I've made a decision and it feels good.

  I tell her, "Yes, very sure. I just closed one chapter on my life, it's time to move on to the next."

  She still looks uneasy.

  I push up from the table, "This is it. I need to do some things at home and then I'll go."

  She gets up and turns to face me, "Do you want to know anything about last night?"

  I shake my head closing my eyes for a minute, "No Gabbi, I don't want to know why he was here. Nothing, I'm done with it."

  I grab her keys and offer them out, "Will you give me a ride home?"

  A smile spreads across her face, "Absolutely, Miss mermaid thing."

  The thought of the water brings warmth and anticipation to my body.

  Yes, I've made the right decision. Bring on the rest of my life.

  Chapter 31

  James

  I wake with a start and sit straight up in bed unsure of where I am. I glance around and find my disastrous bedroom. I relax a little. I was back in the sea in my dream and it wasn't good. Sara wasn't speaking to me and the battle was just starting. I was scared to death.

  Last night comes back to me as I wake up a little more. It was interesting to say the least. I'm pretty upset that Sara has to leave today. She assured me that she would see me soon. I only have a week left of school so that's probably true.

  The whole thing with Jack though. It took every ounce of self- control I have, not to pummel him when he showed up at the party. He wanted to see Ever and wouldn't listen when I told him she didn't want to see him. Sara finally got him to go when she told him about Alex. She told him Ever has moved on and she's with Alex. Sara and I know that's not really the truth but it worked. He looked pretty beat up and left right away. I didn't feel one bit bad for him. He deserves it multiplied for putting my sister through this junk.

  I'm sure Ever is a mess this morning. Better that she's with Gabbi now than here. I can't deal with all that emotion. I hear a soft knock on my door and check the clock, 10:00.

  I call out, "Come in, it's open." Expecting Ever or my mom.

  Sara peeks around the door, "Are you decent?"

  A smile creeps across my face with surprise. "Did my mom let you in?"

  She nods and walks in awkwardly. I scoot over and push the blanket back, patting the spot beside me. She bounds for the bed and lands next to me, laughing. I grab her and envelope her in my arms staring down into her eyes. I am going to miss this beautiful sight this week. I lower my mouth to hers slowly and gently graze her lips with mine. She lifts her head up toward mine and kisses me back more eagerly.

  We lay like this for a while savoring each kiss, committing it to memory for the time we will soon be apart. I lose myself in the moment, forgetting we are in my bedroom with my parents downstairs, until I hear a knock on the door and my mom's voice. We part and Sara has an alarmed look in her eyes. I smile and sit us both up.

  "Yeah mom?"

  She doesn't open the door, "I just wanted to know if you, um...will run up to the store for me?"

  I smirk. This is her way of not meddling.

  I laugh out a response, "Be down in a minute mom."

  Sara looks over at me smiling and enjoying this herself. I attack her, making her giggle and we end up kissing again. Yes, I am definitely going back very soon. I can't be away from this addiction too long.

  ***

  Ever strolls into the kitchen a couple hours later. Sara and I decided not to freak my mom out anymore and stayed downstairs where she could keep an eye on us.

  She looks way better than I was expecting. She glances over at us sitting at the table with our arms intertwined. She slowly smiles and says, "Hi, how are you guys?"

  Sara and I both greet her at the same time, "Hi."

  I ask. "Are you feeling alright?"

  She looks over biting an apple, "I'm gweat." It comes out distorted through her apple.

  She's probably doing that avoidance thing again. I'm n
ot going to bring last night up. She doesn't need that right now.

  She sits down at the table across from us and tells us matter of factly, after she chews a bite, "I'm going back."

  I'm surprised at this statement. I thought for sure she would avoid the sea now for as long as possible in light of the events last night.

  She continues, "It's time, I'm done here. I need to get on with my life."

  My mom walks into the kitchen at this exact moment. She looks at Ever surprised and asks, "Does that mean you received an acceptance letter from one of those colleges?

  Ever looks startled but recovers quickly and answers, "Yes mom, actually I did. I got accepted to Roosevelt."

  She takes a deep breath and continues," I talked with Gam-aw this morning and she agreed to let me stay with her until I get all of the arrangements made."

  My mom looks a little taken aback, "I thought we would go together this summer so I could help get you set up and see everything."

  Ever's face falls a little before she continues with her lie, "I um...wanted to go early, mom. I thought I'd get a job this summer and maybe take a summer class to ease into it."

  Damn, she's good. I never thought my sister had it in her. She has always been the one with a conscience. When we were younger I would try to talk her into doing things I knew my parents wouldn't approve of, but she was always so morally centered. She never strayed from that. Sitting here watching her lie through her teeth to my mom makes me feel proud of her. I know sick right. I never said I was morally right though.

  My mom seems to accept her reasoning, although with that small emotional blip. I can tell this won't be the last discussion about this. Ever takes a small breath, obviously she also knows my mom isn't going to give in that easy.

  My mom leaves us alone in the kitchen and I can't help getting a dig at her, "Wow, remind me never to believe a word you say."

  She smiles and both girls laugh.

  "Shut up James."

  I ask seriously, "When are you going?"

  She looks around the kitchen as if making a final decision, "As soon as possible."