Finding My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “So put a condom on and make love to me.”

  I shake my head and stand up. I walk over to the chair where she put my folded clothes at some point during the night.

  “I’ve gotta go.”

  “I just got you back and you’re leaving me?”

  “I’m not back, Chels. This was a mistake.”

  I put on my jeans, pull on my boots and slide my t-shirt over my head. I walk over to the girl I once loved knowing that I’m never coming back here. I cup her cheek and pull her to me.

  “You know it’s for the best. Your dad doesn’t approve of me and he’ll make your life a living hell.” I kiss her once on the lips and back away from her.

  “Don’t leave me. I need you, Jimmy. You have no idea how bad I need you.” Tears follow her words, but they aren’t enough for me.

  “Goodbye, Chelsea.”

  “HOW was Los Angeles?” Liam asks while he tunes his guitar.

  “For the first time since I moved there, I couldn’t wait to get out. I have some news though.” I hand Liam the papers that were delivered to my apartment from Mr. Moreno. He flips through them, his eyebrow moving up and down each time he gets to an interesting part.

  “She wasn’t ever pregnant?”

  “What?” Harrison says as he stands up from this stool. He takes the papers from Liam’s hand and reads them. He looks at me then at Liam and back at the papers.

  “What a bitch,” Harrison spits out.

  “She was sick,” Liam says. Why he’s defending her, I have no idea.

  “Sick or not, she tried to ruin your life. If you keep reading, it lists out all of the other shit she did. She kept a diary and Mr. Moreno has included some of her entries,” I add.

  “She rigged the tour last year,” Harrison says as he reads. “The dressing room, the weird phone call I received after I met that chick in the bar, it’s all here Liam. She kept notes on everything.” Harrison continues to turn the pages, flipping them rapidly. “Nothing about Alicia though.”

  Harrison throws the papers on the table and runs his hands through his hair.

  “Liam?” he’s staring off, not really listening to what Harrison just said. “Yo, man you okay?” I push him slightly on the shoulder. He looks at me and shakes his head.

  “What?”

  “You’re off in cloud cuckoo land.”

  “She lied,” he says. “I didn’t get her pregnant.”

  “She lied about everything. Everything that’s happened to us since we’ve met her has been because of her evil mind. She’s fucking twisted,” Harrison says. I know he’s upset that the information he’s after isn’t in there. He’ll never know why Alicia did what she did, but at least with the rest of the information, we can move on.

  Liam picks up the papers again and reads through them before putting them aside. “We need to get serious about hiring a manager or hang it up.”

  “You want to quit?” I ask. The band splitting up is the last thing I want, but if he’s ready to call it a day I’m not going to stop him. He’s got a kid now. Christ, Harrison has three. I’m the odd man out. No wife, no kids. Nothing keeping me at home.

  “No, I don’t, but we need a manager. We need to release a CD and get the airplay. I’ll make some calls,” he says.

  “I can make some too,” I volunteer. With me still living in LA, I’m around the scene more. I’m sure there’s someone looking to add to their client list and won’t mind if the talent doesn’t live anywhere near them. It shouldn’t be a problem at all. “What’s going on with Jenna’s ex?” I ask, needing to know the latest.

  Harrison sighs. “It’s not good.”

  “No, it’s not. Her parents are here and her dad tried to get a restraining order against him, but the Judge wasn’t buying our reasoning. He’s not a threat just because he showed up at the café.”

  “He’s beaten her up before–“

  “As she said, there’s no record aside from the one hospital visit and those pictures apparently never got logged,” Harrison says.

  I pick my guitar up and put the strap over my head. I plug the lead into the amp and start tuning. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do for her, but I’m going to give it a try. No one should have to fear for their lives and if it means I have to be a permanent fixture at Whimsicality then so be it.

  I’M happy to be back at work even if it means I’m looking over my shoulder. Damien is gone, at least that’s what Paul says, but I know he’ll be back. Nothing about him goes quietly into the night. He doesn’t like to lose and I know him well enough to know that he’s pissed off and will seek revenge. Sadly, I’m his target.

  My mom is currently yapping it up with Jimmy. He’s been sitting at the same table since we opened. The first few days I found it odd, until Harrison spilled the beans that Jimmy is currently seeking a full-time job as my babysitter. The guys are overprotective, but it’s nice to know that when Damien does return, they’ll be around to protect me. I’m just afraid they’ll get hurt. Liam assures me that they can and will take care of themselves and the people that they love.

  Each time the door chimes, my body turns cold. I hate living with fear. I’ve grown so accustomed to being free that this constant sense of dread washing over me is getting to be too much. I could be free if I left Beaumont, but something tells me I wouldn’t get very far.

  I smile at Nick when he walks in. He’s dressed in his usual dark slacks and white button-down shirt. He’s here to see Aubrey for lunch. He does this every day that she works. It’s sickeningly sweet, but gives me the tiniest bit of hope that someday I’ll find my Prince Charming.

  Nick always chooses to come into the flower shop before going to the café and each time it’s because he’s buying his wife a single flower. Today he’s buying a red sunflower. I like how he’s still supporting Josie after everything that went down. I know what happened was for the best though. Nick never smiled like this until he came home with Aubrey.

  “Busy today?”

  “Not really. The sun is out so I think most everyone is enjoying it before it rains. How’s the office?” I ask, wrapping Aubrey’s flower in paper and tying it with a ribbon.

  “Same ole skinned knees, bumps and the perpetual cough,” Nick says, handing me his payment.

  “But you treat them all the same and with a smile, right?”

  “Of course,” he says, smiling. “Aubrey and I want to have you over for dinner soon.”

  “Thank you, I’d like that.”

  “Have you told everyone yet?”

  I shake my head.

  Nick caught me going into the obstetrician’s office. I couldn’t hide my elation and he guessed. He and Aubrey both know, but haven’t said anything and they both know I appreciate them keeping my confidence. Nick will be the baby’s doctor, if I decide to stay in Beaumont.

  “I’m telling Josie and Liam tonight.”

  “And the baby’s dad?”

  “No, not yet. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  Nick leans forward and lowers his voice. “Please rethink not telling him, Jenna. Even if he’s not around, it’s important that he know he has a child out there. Besides, he might surprise you and want to be around.”

  “I don’t think so. Having a baby would ruin his life. It’s best that I just keep his identity a secret.”

  He nods, even though I know he doesn’t agree with me.

  Nick picks up Aubrey’s flower and gives me a small wave before turning toward the café. I watch as she meets him on the side, squealing in delight because he brought her a flower. She does this every time. I can’t imagine how happy she’d be if he brought her a bouquet or jewelry. Aubrey loves Nick dearly. You can see it in the way she looks at him.

  I used to love Damien that way, even after the abuse started. I thought that if I loved him harder, that if I loved him more, he’d stop. I thought that he’d see how much he was hurting me and realize my pain was because of his fist, but it never stopped. I realized
, albeit too late, that he loved hitting me more than I loved taking it.

  I pull out the chair across from Josie and Liam. Tonight’s the night. The truth, well most of it, will come out. They look at me expectantly and I want to laugh at how absurd this has all been, but I needed to wait, at least for me, before telling them.

  I fold my hands in front of me and take a deep breath. I smile, hoping to convey that, yes everything is okay, even if it might not be.

  “What’s up?” Liam asks, breaking the ice. I know he’s busy and I’m probably keeping him from something important.

  I look away, down at my hands and say, “I’m pregnant.”

  The audible gasp is from Josie. I’m picturing her with her hand over her mouth. I hear nothing from Liam. I chance a look and am met with indifference. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. Even though we’ve only known each other a short time, it’s been enough for us to form a bond.

  “How far are you?” Josie asks, her voice wavering.

  I bite the inside of my cheek and straighten out the tablecloth. “I’m past my first trimester. I’m starting to show. My clothes are tighter and my mom knows. But she can’t really keep a secret and is dying to tell you. I know she’s excited.” I chance a look at Josie. She’s smiling widely and that makes me feel relieved.

  “Who’s the father? I haven’t seen you with anyone, ever.” Liam’s words remind me that I’ve been alone and will continue to be that way.

  “Liam,” Josie scolds.

  “What?” he shrugs. “I’m just asking. She’s family, right?” Josie nods. “Well, if she has someone in her life, I’d like to know him.”

  “You can’t,” I blurt out.

  “Why not?” he asks.

  “Because he’s not around.”

  “What do you mean ‘he’s not around’?” Liam’s tone is hard and to the point.

  I swallow hard and square myself for battle. “I’ve decided not to tell him. We’re not together and he doesn’t live here. It’s for the best.” Josie’s face goes pale just as Liam’s turns red.

  “Are you kidding me?”

  I shake my head and bite the inside of my cheek.

  “You know what, that’s some very selfish bullshit. Josie tried to tell me that she was pregnant and it kills me every day knowing that I wasn’t there for her and Noah. I wasn’t given a fucking choice on whether or not I was going to be a douche or not. It was made for me. What makes you think the father doesn’t want to be involved?”

  “He’s younger and not in the right frame of mind to be in this situation.”

  “So why sleep with him?”

  “Liam,” Josie scolds again.

  “No, I want to know. You have to know the risk when you decide to sleep with someone. Hell, I knew and the biggest bitch burned me. Men don’t think of these things when we’re having sex, but women do. Your clocks tick and all that shit. So if he’s not father material, why do it?”

  Tears stream down my cheeks while Liam rants. I know he’s right, but it’s not like we planned this. It just happened.

  “It wasn’t planned, Liam. It was a one night stand.” I take a deep breath. “It’s not ideal, but it’s my decision. I can do this by myself.”

  “Until your ex comes around. I’m sure once he finds out that you’re pregnant with another man’s baby that will set him off.”

  I nod because he’s right. Damien always wanted a baby and I did everything I could to prevent us from conceiving.

  “I’ll deal with him then.”

  “No, we’ll deal with it. You have to tell the father, Jenna.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not? He has a right to know,” Liam pleads.

  “I’m pretty sure he regrets sleeping with me. I don’t need to see the look on his face when I remind him of the night we spent together and how we’re now having a child. That sort of stuff ruins lives, Liam. I don’t want to ruin his life.”

  “He has a right to know and if he doesn’t want to be a part of your baby’s life, then he’s the one missing out, but you have to give him the opportunity whether you think he’s father material or not.

  “Don’t take the opportunity away from him. It was taken away from me and I live with a gap in my heart. He deserves to know.”

  Liam gets up and leaves us. Josie and I jump when the basement door slams. She moves over next to me, pulling me into her arms. I try not to cry, but it’s to no avail. It should’ve been easier to tell Josie and Liam over my mother, but it wasn’t. My mom has always known that I want to be a mother. She knows this is my chance.

  “Congratulations. Are you happy?” she asks.

  I nod. I pull away and wipe away my tears. “I am. I really am.” I set my hand on my stomach and smile. “This is a good thing.”

  “It is, babies are wonderful, believe me I want another one, but it’s not in the cards. But do me a favor and really think about telling the dad. I wish Liam were there for Noah. I know that things with him and I may not have worked, but I have no doubt he would’ve been there for his son. Every dad needs to be able to make that choice himself.”

  When I made the decision not to tell, I hadn’t thought about what Liam and Noah have gone through. Or even Nick. But this man, he doesn’t want this. He wants his life the way it is and this isn’t a bump in the road, it’s a sinkhole, and I’m not sure if me being pregnant is enough to make him change his life.

  “WHAT are you doing here?”

  I look up from my piece of sheet music and find Liam at the door. The studio has a private entrance and we’ve always been told it’s okay to come whenever we want, but judging by the look on his face, he doesn’t want me here right now.

  “It’s late.”

  I take a quick look at my phone and notice the time. “I’ll go.”

  “No, stay,” he says, moving further into the room. He picks up his guitar only to put it back down. He walks towards Harrison’s drums, hitting the cymbal with his fingers a few times before walking back in my direction. The studio isn’t that big with all our equipment in here and his wandering around makes the room feel much smaller.

  “Do you ever feel like your head is going to explode?”

  “All the time. Why, are you and Josie having problems?”

  Liam shakes his head. “Her and I are solid. Every day I have with her is the happiest day of my life.”

  “If this is about a manager, I have a mate who’s in a band. I can ask him and see if his manager is interested in helping us out. We might even be able to do a tour with them this summer if we need to.”

  “It’s not about the band. We’ll figure that shit out. It’s about life.”

  I have no idea where he’s going with this, but if he says he’s happy with Josie then I don’t have a clue what’s weighing so heavily on his mind. This is the notable difference we’ve all seen in Liam since he moved back to Beaumont. It’s like he’s more human. Before, he wouldn’t give a shit about anything, but now everything matters. I like this Liam, but I’m not gonna lie, the emo crap gets on my nerves.

  “Is it Noah?”

  “No, it’s Jenna.”

  Jenna? What the hell could be going on with Jenna that Liam would be so depressed about? I don’t want to be nosey, but I’m curious. I know I’m not as close to her as he and Harrison are, but I still consider us to be family and if she’s in trouble I’d like to be able to help. I don’t know if there’s anything I could do, but I’d damn well try.

  “What’s wrong with Jenna? I thought the ex was gone.”

  “He is, at least according to Paul.”

  Liam stops talking and sits down on his stool. He picks up his acoustic guitar and strums a few chords.

  “Do you know how I found out about Noah?”

  “No,” I say. Liam kept Noah a secret from us for a while after he found out about him. Harrison and I never understood why, but I think it’s because he was afraid that Josie was going to take him away.

  “I was hav
ing a meltdown over Mason’s death and everything was closing in. I was minutes away from saying ‘fuck it’. Instead, I got on my bike and started driving and ended up at this sports museum we have in the next town. Walking in was a mistake because there I was, staring back at myself. I was being mocked by the cocky teenager that I was and there wasn’t shit I could do about it.

  “I could hear the crowds cheering in my head. I could remember every pass I had thrown to Mason and every touchdown I had. All these memories came flooding back and it was the sound of laughter that broke me. I ran to the bathroom to hide because I didn’t want to be recognized.

  “When I came out, this boy… this shaggy haired boy was crying and I thought he was being bullied and remembered that Mason and I beat the crap out of some kid in high school for bullying someone who was weaker than us. I felt rage boiling inside of me. Do you know what I did?”

  I shake my head.

  “I spoke to him and he told me that he wasn’t allowed to speak to strangers and I thought ‘wow, what a smart kid’. It was when he said he’d seen me kissing his mom that I knew. I tried to play it off, but one look and it was obvious. One look into his eyes and I saw her, the one I left behind. I knew I had fucked up so badly that I’d never be forgiven. I knew that I was never leaving Beaumont again because I had a son whether this boy knew I was his dad or not. I would’ve stayed in the background just to watch him grow up, but I would’ve been there.”

  “Josie loves you, Liam.”

  “I promised her the world when we were in high school. I knew she was my girl, but when I went to college, shit was bad and I freaked out. If Mason hadn’t died I wouldn’t know my son.”

  “You shouldn’t think like that, man. I’m sure she would’ve found you.” I know he said that he and Josie are fine, but I’m starting to think otherwise. Why is he going on about him and Noah like this when they’re a family? When they seem to have everything going for them?

  “Jenna’s pregnant and doesn’t want to tell the baby’s father even though I think she’s making a mistake. I told her that the dad has a right to know.”