Beg Me Angel

by Leah Holt

  My sex throbbed just watching him, all his movements, the way his body hardened and burst beneath the surface, it made me warm. I had the urge to stroke his back, to feel his chest and run my fingertips over his corded abs.

  I was addicted.

  “Can I ask you something?” Tucking an arm into my ribs, I rubbed my neck, trying to settle the tremble in my belly.

  “Didn't we have this conversation?” Glancing back at me, his eyes smiled as they thinned.

  Crossing the room, I sat behind him on the couch and cupped my hands between my legs. “How do you do this? How do you live all by yourself and not go crazy?”

  I wanted to press him, maybe get him to focus on the family I still had and loved. If he could feel my sadness, there was a chance he'd take me to call them sooner, not later, not on his next scheduled trip into town.

  “I'm not by myself. . .” Tossing on a fresh log, he wiped his hands on his thighs. “I have you.”

  “I don't mean right now, I mean before.”

  Clearing his throat, he let his eyes steady on the new flames as they burst and whipped around. “The choice was easy. I didn't have anyone out there waiting for me, no friends or family, they were long gone. I always thought that what I needed was here, it was in this place, in these walls. It was safety for myself and everyone else. But I was wrong, you're wrong.” His eyes fluttered up to mine, then darted away back to the fire. “I was crazy, I was insane long before I got here.”

  Placing my hand on his shoulder, I said, “That's not true. Insane people don't work stone like that right there. . .” Pointing at the fireplace, I scooted closer. “Insane people don't build massive buildings and care for someone they don't know.”

  His head slowly turned my way, lips curving down into a heavy frown. “Maybe they do, maybe it's the insanity that created all this.” His eyes peered into mine, holding my gaze strong. “But I'm not crazy anymore, I'm not the same person I was. And that's not from living here, it's from you.”

  I felt my lips part as a lump lodged itself in the back of my throat. I wanted to kiss him, to feel his hands run through my hair and slide down my back. “I didn't do anything to help you, all I did was steal from you.”

  Tipping his head back, he laughed. “You can't steal it when I gave it to you.”

  “I haven't thanked you for what you did, for taking me in and caring for me.” Dipping my head into my chest, I let my hand slip off his shoulder and into my lap. “You've done so much and all I've done is take.”

  Gripping my chin in his hand, Pax lifted my face back up. “I spent years taking, Angel, it was my turn to give.” His thumb stroked my bottom lip, eyes lighting up in red and orange bursts. “Whatever you think you owe me, you don't. I still have promises to fill, I still owe you more than I could ever say. I should be thanking you.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Pax

  The days seemed to blend together, one after the other like the night never came and day never ended. I lost track of time, filling my days with her and keeping our world together.

  That's what I was living for now, for us. Not the solitude, not the lonely nights and soundless conversations inside my own head.

  I was finally right. Everything was finally right.

  She hadn't asked me again about going into town or what we could do to get her answers. But it was there, sitting right in the back of her eyes, every so often stealing her away from me.

  I could see it, her eyes would drift up or be stuck on some random object, her gaze empty, her mind off in some distant thought.

  When my angel would fall into her thoughts, she couldn't hear me, she wouldn't notice I was talking or that I had just sat down beside her.

  It hurt to know she had this unresolved pain she couldn't explain, but I knew that if she had more time; to heal, to be free—to be with me, eventually it all would fade away. That's what I wanted to believe, I wanted to think I could heal every part of her, even the parts I couldn't reach physically.

  You know that's never going to happen. Not everything can be erased.

  My selfishness was a plague, it wasn't doing her any good. If I had been able to keep the promise to myself, I knew we wouldn't be here. But I couldn't keep my hands off her and now I was refusing to cut her loose.

  Nothing was as easy as I wanted it to be. I knew first hand what it felt like to be in her shoes, my experience was different, but it was still all the same. When your life is changed, when your world gets washed out from beneath your feet. . .

  All of you goes with it.

  I just couldn't accept the fact that I might not be able to cure her the same way she had cured me. That stung, it drove a heavy spear in through my gut, twisting and cutting away at my insides.

  I promised her answers, I promised her I'd fix it all. But I was the asshole who left her with nothing. I hadn't done shit to give her what I said I would.

  I'm a man of empty words. All talk, no follow through.

  It wasn't that I didn't want to go out and look for the bastard, I just didn't know where the hell to begin.

  The question I struggled with was how?

  How do you ask questions about someone who's gone missing and not draw attention to yourself?

  That was the hurdle, that was the elephant inside my head.

  Curling my arm over her side, I pulled her into my chest and kissed the back of her neck. “Are you awake?” I asked, gently running my fingers through her hair and down her back.

  Vera giggled, slipping her arm over mine and twirling her fingertips over my hand. “I am now.” Wiggling her back, she pushed herself closer, nuzzling up into my arms.

  I loved waking up to her, to her warmth and the comfort of having someone to share my bed with. My world had been filled, the cracks were mending, the anger and rage fizzling away with each kiss I was able to give her.

  When I looked in the mirror now I didn't see the same pressing black eyes or greedy, hate-filled smile. I could actually see me, see the man I was and the man I was growing back into.

  All the hurt I caused, all the lives I had stole, they weren't forgotten. I couldn't just remove the pain I harbored from stealing so many men from their families. The men were supposed to be evil, they were supposed to be out to harm us.

  But that didn't mean on some level they weren't the same as us. They had families at home, they had the same mission; protecting them from us.

  Who was going to explain their death to the widow now left to feed and clothe and tend to her children alone?

  It wasn't like I hadn't ever felt regret, but as time went on it slowed down, it shut off, turning into nothing more than a past feeling. I could have stopped myself, but I didn't. I let my mind twist what I was doing into something that was good for me, for the world I was set out to save.

  Except I knew. . . I knew that for a few of those men they didn't have a choice, they were just doing the same thing I was; following orders.

  And I still took their fate into my hands even though I could have turned my head the other way.

  It was wrong on so many levels, it became a power that curdled my blood thick like tar and made me breathe sins not miracles.

  To smile at the death of another, to crave destruction instead of harmony. . . What kind of monster was I?

  This cabin, this home, I built it to save the innocent. I couldn't make a promise I couldn't keep, and I couldn't promise that I wouldn't hurt anyone else ever again.

  But then my angel came to me, she showed me I could still give to another. That I was still a man inside, a man with morals and feelings. She gave that all back to me.

  Now I couldn't let her go.

  What will happen to me if she's gone?

  What would I do if she wasn't here?

  That was a thought I couldn't deal with. There was no doubt in my mind that if Vera was found, if she was returned to her family, I'd lose it all.

  And I'd lose myself as I fell back into the abyss of hatred.

&
nbsp; “I want to do something different today.” Pressing my nose into her hair, I let the strands spill over my face as I took in a slow breath.

  “Oh yeah.” Rolling over, Vera ran her fingers down over my temple, leading them into my beard. “And what's that?” she asked as she stroked the hair and looked up at my face with sleep in her eyes.

  The way she was looking at me was changing. It was what I had wanted to see and needed to see. Vera's big green, almond-shaped eyes were listening to me as I spoke, they would stay on me longer and longer each time.

  I'm finally finding my place in her heart.

  “I was thinking—” Cutting myself off, I perched my head to listen.

  Is that? No, it can't be.

  “What, what is it?” she asked, rolling to face the door and pushing up onto her elbow.

  “Shh, did you hear that?” I had thought I heard the sound of rocks popping and gravel being pushed away by tires. But that couldn't be right.

  Is someone here?

  No. No one comes here.

  “Hear what?” Lifting her head, we both sat quiet.

  I didn't hear anything anymore, the outside was still and soundless with the occasional whistle of wind slipping through the wood beams. “Nothing, I—”

  Bang! Bang! Bang!

  The front door vibrated under heavy pounds as two voices, muffled and low, talked between themselves outside.

  Who the fuck is that?

  Both of us froze in place at the same time, listening cautiously. Looking at me over her shoulder, Vera's eyes grew wide. “Who's here?”

  Wrapping my fingers around her arm, I gave it a reassuring squeeze. “It's probably no one, maybe a hunter trying to see if they can hunt here.” Kissing the top of her head, I climbed out of bed, grabbing my jeans from off the floor. “Stay here, I'll go send them on their way.”

  Forcing out a confident smile, Vera snuggled up under the blanket, lifting it to her shoulders and smiling back with a nod.

  I wasn't too sure in my answer. Everyone around knew better, they wouldn't step foot at the end of my driveway, never mind come right up to my door.

  Walking to the entrance, I adjusted my pants and buttoned them up. No one else had come to my door since the first week I started building the place.

  A few of the neighbors had tried to come and cozy up to me, but I cut that shit out quick. The houses around here weren't that close, it wasn't like my window faced theirs. There were miles of trees that separated each of us, that's one of the things that drew me in.

  They made the mistake of thinking I might be interested in their small town shit. I wasn't. I wasn't about to sign up for the local crime watch brigade or take part in any of the carnivals they had during the year.

  Fuck that.

  They didn't realize they were inviting a trained killer into their world. They didn't know that at any moment I could snap and take them all down if the urge finally hit its peak and exploded.

  In the end, I was protecting them.

  I moved here for the quiet and that's exactly how I wanted to keep it. I wanted to be here and not here. I wanted to slip in and out unnoticed, come and go with ease.

  I guess my first impression didn't bode over too well. But then again, I don't think I'd try and be buddy buddy with the asshole who held a gun to my face and told me to leave and never come back.

  After that, it didn't matter who I ran into, they all gave me the stink eye and pretended I didn't exist. It was perfect.

  Pulling the door open, my heart sank as my breath was cut in half, trickling out from my lungs in short bursts.

  Fuck no.

  No. No. No.

  It can't be.

  “Good morning, I'm sorry to wake you.” A police officer stood on my front step, another one directly behind him to his right. “I'm Officer Clark and this Officer Billard.”

  Swallowing hard, I gripped the door with a heavy hand, digging my fingers into the wood. “What can I do for you?” I asked, trying to keep my body in check.

  Inside my nerves ran and up down my muscles, hitting my chest and squeezing around my ribs. I never expected to have the police show up here, I never expected they'd wind up in my small halo in the woods.

  Flicking a piece of paper in his hand, the officer pinched it tight, holding it up in front of his chest. “Well,” he said, pausing awkwardly like he was trying to flip through his pre-set lines he had been hand delivered to give. “We're out canvasing the area and going door to door, trying to see if anyone has any information. Have you seen anything that looks suspicious or out of place? Cars, people, heard anything that just didn't seem right in last couple weeks?”

  My jaw cocked out to the side as I pretended to think. “No, I don't think so.”

  Turning the paper to face me, I had to stop my body from reacting. Vera's image was staring back at me.

  The picture sent my brain into spirals, making my heart hammer and my chest sting, sucking all the air right out of my lungs. Sweat beaded up on my forehead instantly, trying to inch its way down my skin.

  My eyes were frozen on the paper, staring into the face of my angel. Her hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail, her eyes shaded in a golden sparkle, and a smile so large and pure it made my muscles seize.

  It was the smile I've been seeing, the face I've been living with. The woman I was refusing to let go.

  “Have you seen this girl?”

  I stood silent, unable to project the words I needed to get out to make these two men go away.

  The officer pushed the paper closer, bringing it right up to my face, holding it two inches from my eyes. “Well, have you seen her?”

  I wanted to scream at the men to leave, to get the fuck off my property and never come back. My fingers clawed into the wood door, making every attempt to lurch forward and push the men back to their car.

  “I—I—” Stuttering, I licked my lips, forcing my tongue to stop vibrating against the roof of my mouth. “I don't think so, why?”

  “Well, she's been missing for over two weeks now, the car she was in was found not too far from here. We'd like to take a look around if you don't mind?”

  Swallowing the huge ball that lodged itself in my throat, I did everything to stay still, and not give them a reason to be suspicious. But keeping myself in check was not something I was good at. I was a man who reacted.

  And that's what I did, I reacted.

  “I do mind. You got a warrant? Because unless you got a warrant, you're not looking around shit.”

  The officer glanced at his partner, then flicked his eyes back to me. “Sir, we're just trying to—”

  Raising my voice, I started to shut the door. “You're on private property, take your shit elsewhere, I told you I don't know anything.”

  The officer planted his palm in the center of my door, holding it open. “Look—”

  “Pax, who is it? Is everything okay?”

  No!

  Oh, no, no, no!

  My lids expanded, eyes never breaking away from the two officers on my doorstep. The men turned to each other, giving a sideways glance and a heavy nod.

  The man in the back slowly placed his hand over the butt of the gun on his hip, drawing it out in one quick snap.

  The officer holding the paper dropped it to the ground like it was a burning piece of coal as his shoulder forcefully slammed into the door, breaking it open. “Get on the ground!” he screamed, drawing his weapon and aiming it directly at the center of my face.

  Holding my hands up, I tried to speak. “It's not what you—”

  I didn't get out another word before the men were on me, grabbing my arms and trying to throw me down.

  “I said get on the ground!” His hands found my shoulders as the second officer lunged forward, sweeping my feet out from beneath me.

  A hard knee drove down into the middle of my back, stabbing my spine and sending a cascade of pain down through my legs.

  Lifting my head off the floor, I stared at my an
gel, sending her a million wordless apologies. My arms were yanked behind my back as cold steel was clanked shut around my wrists.

  The officers were speaking, but I didn't hear a fucking word. All I could do was look at the woman who had come in and saved me, the woman I had given my heart to, the woman. . . The woman I loved for breathing life back into my black soul.

  Mouthing to Vera, I formed each letter with perfection. “I'm sorry. It'll be okay, I promise.”

  Tears had already stained her cheeks, rolling down one after the other in a cascade of sorrow. Her hands were clenched by her sides as she never took her eyes off of me.

  She didn't mouth anything back, she didn't speak or nod to let me know she understood what I had said.

  Vera just stood there like a statue, shock and fear filling the weeping holes as the police officers held me in place.

  The moment the officers had me lifted to my feet, Vera broke her gaze and looked down at the floor, bending to pick up the paper that had floated to her feet. Holding it in her hands, her quiet sobs turned into heavy wails as she read the missing person flier.

  My angel stood there looking more broken than the moment I had found her.

  I wanted to tear myself from the hands of these pricks and scoop her up in my arms, hold her tight and soothe her the same way I had when I pulled from the trees. I tried to fight them, I tried to break free and get back to her.

  She needed me now more than ever as a wormhole opened up and swallowed us both. This wasn't my forever, this wasn't how it was supposed to end.

  And this time, this time I couldn't save her from it.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Vera

  “I'm sorry, Vera, it's true.”

  Shaking my head, I wiped the tissue across my nose. “I can't believe it, it can't be true. Why would he do this to me?”

  The detective reached his hand across the table, gently grabbing my fingers. “I know you've been through a lot and I promise you, I'm going to get you the answers you need.”

  “He said the same thing.”

  “Who? Paxton?”

  Nodding yes, I couldn't stop from crying, I hadn't been able to shut down the tears since the cops barged into the cabin and took him from me.