by Julie Eads
I wasn’t sure how many more of the visions were to come, but I knew that each one would change me, making me see my flaws and wanting to become more like the animal I had seen. As it was it was a few hours before the next image came. I was starting to wonder if the first two were all there were but I should have known better as it seems there was so much more I needed to learn.
The next one was a bear with her cubs. She lay asleep with them when a hunter approaching shot off a warning shot in order to make them scatter. The bear stood and knew the moment the hunter next pulled the trigger it would hit her, or worse, one of her cubs. Quickly she scattered to the trees, the smallest baby in her mouth and the other at her side. She did her best to hide in the bushes under cover. But, as she had feared a shot rang out and she felt something slump at her feet. It was the second cub who had been shot. At this point I could feel tears running down my face and I wondered what this could possibly teach me. The mother bear hid the other cub and coming out from behind the bushes on her back legs she let out a scream of pain. The hunter took aim but his gun jammed and he found himself face to face with her; she was seething with anger as she slashed her paw out at him angrily. The man broke out in tears holding his hands in his arm, I crying out, “I am so sorry! Please, don’t kill me,” and the bear stepped forward and slashed out with her paw again, this time hitting him across his face and leaving a deep trail of blood behind. The man cried out in pain. The mother bear turned and grabbing the baby bear that had been shot; she dropped it at his feet so he could see what he had done. The man cried out as he touched the baby bear. “I am so sorry. I never meant to shoot him! I was trying to kill you!” he declared looking at the wild beast as if she could understand him and calling out, “Please forgive me.” Rising up on her back paws once again the mother bear was going in for the kill when the other cub waddled out from the bush. It watched his mother with frightened eyes. Seeing him she watched the cub and suddenly she turned from the man. Maybe she had forgiven him, because if she hadn’t she would have been a monster, just like him.
It took me a while to come out of the depressed state I felt from this one. I got the message; I needed to learn to forgive, not for others but for myself. That way I didn’t or wouldn’t become the monsters they were and I knew exactly who I was supposed to forgive; my pretend parents who like the hunter taking the cub’s life had destroyed the good in its path for sport. I had been nothing but a trophy to them; I was the baby bear in this case and I knew I had to let the pain go. But they had cut me so deeply that I didn’t know if it was possible. Then I thought back to the mama bear walking away from the hunter, forgiving him not for herself but for the other cub. I needed to forgive them for the betterment of my family and friends. Standing up from the chair I looked into the woods and said out loud, “I forgive you Stephanie and Jack for the lies and the pain you have caused. You are like the hunter, too blind to see the destruction you cause along your path.” And as I stood looking into the sky tears rolled down my face. I had been holding on to that hatred for so long, letting it suffocate me because of the fear of what would happen if I let it go. Yes I would be letting them go but no matter which way I tried to twist it the truth was that I had needed them to hate. Now though I was free from their hold over me.
The sun began to rise and I hadn’t known how much time had passed but I felt different in every sense of the word. I was still Carmina deep down, but now I was free, I held no more hate or sadness in my heart. This gave me the perfect time to think about Declan so sitting back in the rocking chair and pushing my feet on the floor I began rocking back and forth finding it soothing.
The very last image I got was of a man not an animal. He was sitting alone in a small cabin and looked to be about my father’s age although it appeared time hadn’t been as kind to him as it had my father. He sat looking at a photo in his hand of a very beautiful woman. Suddenly the door swung open and he quickly tucked the picture under his leg.
“Can you help me with the groceries?” requested a woman’s voice. She sounded tart and acidic.
“Yes dear,” he replied sounding defeated but as he got up from the chair he tried to catch the picture as it fell but it was too late.
The woman snatched the picture up from the floor crying out, “This again?” then she tore it in half, looking smug, “You made your choice when you married me! Now make yourself useful and get the groceries.”
Doing as she asked he went outside to the car, stopping and looking up at the sky. “God,” he asked, “Why did I choose the wrong woman. Was it that I was so afraid to love, to take the chance,” and he shook his head before squaring his shoulders and grabbing the bags he carried them inside. As he placed them on the table he whispered to him, “That was the last picture I had of her.” It was a very sad vision; the man was worn down and depressed. It didn’t hit me hard or trigger the water works the way the baby bear had but I got the message. It was telling me to be careful whom I chose to love because I wouldn’t want to live the rest of my life wishing I had chosen someone else.
The vision made my decision about the Declan situation a lot harder than I had thought, but then weren’t all matters of the heart hard? As with the other images and lessons they had taught me this was telling me the decision was my own to make and it presented several different paths. All I had to do was choosing the right one or forging my own. This definitely wasn’t going to be something I could fix in one night.
I then noticed for the first time, a small black leather suit case lying by the bed. I opened it and was happy to see a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. I loved lounging in sweats and now was a perfect time as I was alone. With no-one is here to judge me. Stepping into the shower I let the hot water beat over my sore muscles. It seems that because of the shifting your bones and muscles twist and turn in ways that cause you to cry out in pain, leaving you feeling a little swore the following day. My whole body certainly felt bruised; although it was nothing like the pain that had radiated through me during the ceremony. I wondered if everyone went through this and if so, did they experience same kind of the visions? The one thing I knew for certain was that no-one else had had their appearance changed so drastically. It would take me some time to get used to having blonde hair. It was something I thought looked great on some people, but feared it made me look washed out against my pale skin. Strangely enough as for the eyes I was starting to grow to like having both bright colors.
Washing my body with a body sponge I discovered another body altering surprise as there on the left side of my stomach was a tattoo of sorts. It was the word “Roghnaithe” in a very pretty curvy style. I had no clued what it meant so made a mental note to ask someone when I returned home. It felt odd having a tattoo; especially one I hadn’t picked but oddly enough it was the least strange thing about the change to my appearance and at least I could hide this under my clothing. As I showered I wondered what everyone was saying about me. Had they watched my hair turn blonde or my eyes change color; I was growing antsy as I needed to talk to them. There had been no more visions since the last one, and I wasn’t in pain so why couldn’t I go home?
Once dried and dressed I opened the front door and went outside to sit on the steps of the porch. It felt amazing to be outside. I could see the bright green of the grass and the glare of the hot sun. It felt as if it had been a long time since I been able to sit outside and stare at the world around me. Sitting I took in all of the things that most people take for granted; I know I did before I went blind. I wouldn’t say that the blindness was a gift as it had taken so much away from me but the ball of light had given me so much in return.
Feeling hungry I noticed my sense of smell reached a lot farther than it used to as I could smell the food cooking around the village. The herbs and soups made my stomach growl in obvious hunger. Having no clue what there was to eat I made my way back into the cabin and discovered the refrigerator. Inside there was a large black pot which I pulled out of the fridge. Opening it
I was thrilled to discover it was a giant pot of my mother’s Carrot soup; one of my favorites. Taking a bowl down from the cabinet I made myself a large bowl of soup by popping it in the microwave for a few seconds. Strangely I happen to like it lukewarm so that some of the carrot pieces are still cool.
Taking the bowl outside I almost dropped in when I saw a large grey wolf standing in front of the cabin watching me intently. ‘He must be hungry,’ I thought to myself so I went inside to find a single pack of luncheon meat. Carrying it out, I began feeding him but kept my distance at first by throwing the lunch meat out in front of me. But each time he kept crawling closer until eventually he was eating the meat pieces out of my hand, his rough tongue scraping against my hand in approval. He was beautiful. Slowly I reached down and ran my hands along his fur; I don’t know how I knew it but he wasn’t one of us, he was a real pure breed animal, yet I could communicate with him in a way I didn’t know was possible. As I got to the bottom of the luncheon meat packet he licked his snout, gave me a nod as if to say thank you and then he trotted away. ‘I wished I had someone to share this moment with,’ I thought, ‘No-one is going to believe me.”
I remained sat outside for the remainder of the day. Two stray cats and three large birds approached me, all letting me stroke them lovingly and I feed them with what I could find lying around the cabin. I felt like Dr. Doolittle, or some such person.
Getting up I walked around feeling the grass beneath my feet and the air around me, so much more clearly. It was as if all of my senses were heightened. I could see further than ever before and I could hear rocks popping on the gravel road miles away as the cars drove down them slowly so as not mess up the paint or suspension of their vehicles.
As the day passed I found myself wondering what would happen to me when I had my first animal transition and what would I transform into? I was hoping Willow or someone else had the answers to all of the questions I would ask when I could finally go home. As the day ended I walked into the cabin and laying down I planned on just resting my eyes but quickly fell asleep.
Even though the visions had felt like dreams, I welcomed a real dream when it arrived. I hadn’t dreamt since the night I stayed at Sal’s home and that had been the most uncomfortable dream I had ever had. And, of course every night after that it was just darkness.
In my dream I was in a field of flowers; they were bright and beautiful sunflowers and as I walked through them I was careful not to wreck the steams. Then I heard a voice calling from behind me, “The blonde hair suits you.” As I turned there was no-one there.
Shaking the feeling off, I continued walking then I heard the voice again. “I never imagined you for the tattoo type.” Looking down I saw that I had a belly-shirt on and the tattoo was on display.
Looking around again, I found the owner of the voice; it was Declan. “You look beautiful,” he said, running his hands through my newly blonde hair. “Your eyes,” he said, smiling that brilliant smile I had missed so much. He pressed his lips hungrily to mine and I followed suit, pulling his body close to mine. Suddenly he pulled away from me, his smile twisting nastily and an angry scowl appearing across his forehead. “What is he doing here,” he asked, pointing behind me.
As I turned around I saw a faceless man standing behind me. He had strong arms but that was all I could make out as the rest of him was a blur. “Banphrionsa,” he said in a familiar voice and I knew instantly who it was and why he didn’t have a face. But how could he have one when I had never seen him. It was Lorcan, but what was he doing here? The figure was pulling me towards him, saying, “You are meant to be with me; you know it in your heart.”
Pulling away I stood between him and Declan. Both stared at me as if waiting for me to decide who to follow. What was I to do? Which was I supposed to turn to? I was confused.
Waking up in a heavy sweat I opened the window but it didn’t bring me any relief as it was a hot uncomfortable night. Pulling the window closed I sat in the chair. I must have slept for almost the entire night as the sun was beginning to peek above the horizon the next time I woke. Despite the sleep it felt as if I hadn’t actually rested, probably because of the strange dream. It seemed my mind was trying to force me to make a decision when my heart wasn’t ready.
Rising from the chair I walked into the bathroom and running cool water I started splashing handfuls of it onto my face; it relieved my skin from the heat momentarily. I told myself two days done only one more to go.
Rummaging through the suitcase I was very happy to see that my mother had placed my laptop inside. Although I didn’t have an internet connection all the way out here so I couldn’t contact anyone, at least I could watch some of the movies I had downloaded onto it, which would help pass the time so much quicker. Pouring myself a bowl of carrot soup I wondered how long I could carry on eating it before I grew tired of it.
Taking the laptop outside I placed it on the small table sat on the porch. As the morning sun rose I watched three movies and played six games of mine sweeper. To be honest I had never really understood the game but at least it gave me something to do. I felt as if I wasn’t spending my time here the way I should have been, by figuring out who I was or who I wanted to become, it just seemed as if there was so much to figure out in just three short days.
Deciding to lay down I settled on to the cool tall grass and looked up at the sky, feeling one with the earth around me. Then I heard light footsteps approaching. I could smell him before he reached me; it was the same grey wolf as the day before. Lying down beside me he seemed to trust me to be so close to him. Reaching out I carefully ran my hands through his fur again, enjoying the feel of his soft fur. We laid there together for the rest of the evening and I thought how surreal it all was. Here I was lying all alone, surrounded by nothing but the forest with a wild animal next to me he could kill me at any moment, yet he just lay there, trusting and loving, enjoying my company as I did his. I really didn’t understand why or how this was happening yet I knew for certain it had something to do with the ceremony. Slowly I was changing into something, I could feel it in every bone of my body, but what was it?
As the sun began to go down I was sorry to see the wolf leave. This was my last night here in the cabin and oddly there was sadness about me as I would miss the freedom of having spent the days with the wildlife around me.
Lying in bed for hours, breathing in the deep rich smell of nature all around me, that night it began to rain. Water poured down onto the roof, making a loud pop, pop noise. Then the thunder rolled angrily outside and at any other time or place I would be scared, yet I wasn’t. And that was because I found the strength to pull through the storm from the nature around me. I thought about my wolf, out there in the woods, getting soaked by the heavy rain and I hoped he would be alright. He was strong and brave and would probably out live me, so underneath I knew he would be okay. With these thoughts in mind I finally drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
The following morning I was woken by knocking at the door! I squeaked in excitement, for even though I hated the thought of leaving this place I was ready for answers and to see my family and friends. I knew I had a lot of amends to make as well.
Standing up from the bed I ran my hand through my hair and taking a deep breath, I answered the door. Immediately being pulled into a tight hug by Maggie, my wonderful sister, who was standing in front of me saying, “I am so happy to see you.”
Hugging her back I agreed it was so good to see her. Then putting me at arm’s length she looked me over and gasped, “Wow, you look beautiful.”
Laughing I asked, “You don’t think the hair is too much?”
But, before she could answer Knoll walked onto the porch saying, “I have always preferred blondes,” and laughing too he pulled me into a tight hug. I couldn’t explain how nice it was to have my sister and him here.
It seemed my parents hadn’t come to visit me; which was odd and unlike them. I asked, “Where are mom and dad?”
I dire
cted the question to Maggie who responded with, “They wanted to be here but they have been dealing with the chaos in the village. People are going crazy over your ceremony! Everyone is so thrilled; they have been throwing parties in the center of the village for the last three days.”
Surprised I decided I would get to that later. I thought as my eyes caught someone walking up the path, heading right for the cabin. My heart began to beat faster and my palms grew sweaty; it was him.
It took me a mere two seconds to make my choice. “It is him,” I whispered to myself, “I know he is the one I must choose”…………….
The End for Now...