by Julie Eads
I hadn’t really talked to her since Maggie’s party. To be honest I was still feeling a little hurt over the fact that they hadn’t warned me until the last minute of Thora’s plan to humiliate me. ‘However,’ I thought, ‘I am going to let that go today as there is just too much going on for me to go through it alone, and besides, Taya really is a good friend.’
“What time is it,” I asked feeling still kind of groggy?
Taya looked at her watch. “It’s actually 2pm. You’ve slept for quite a while,” she said touching the top of my hair and by the looks of it you’re going to have to have help fixing that.
I laughed. I knew my hair looked awful yet it felt good to have someone be honest enough to say it. I couldn’t believe it was two in the afternoon. I still had three hours until the big family dinner my parents were insisting on hosting, and eight hours until my animal ceremony. Following Taya into the living room I sat on the floor in front of the couch as she tried to do something with my unruly hair.
“So how are you and Eirnan doing?” I asked her. I wanted to just talk about anything other than the animal ceremony or my problems.
“We are great!” she replied bubbling, “He is so amazing; he made me breakfast in bed the other day.”
Sitting up I wished I could look at her. “You two have had sex?” I asked amazed at the thought.
“Yeah,” she said giggling. “To be honest I just didn’t want to wait anymore as I have no doubt in my mind that he is the one.” At one point I would have agreed with her. That was before Declan’s recent stunt, but now I wasn’t so sure. Recently I had been thinking about what Maggie had said and it made sense. We all were so young so there was no rush to put all of our eggs in one basket. Smiling, I thought how I had always loved that analogy, for some odd reason my grandma, whom I missed dearly used to use the phrase quite often.
In reality I was happy for Taya, but didn’t want her to think otherwise so I quickly said, “I am so happy for you, guys I really am.” Regardless of whether or not they were destined to be together forever they were happy right now and maybe I needed to start living in the right now and stop trying to plan my whole entire future out.
“I am sorry to hear about Declan,” Taya announced, “You know he has been at Eirnans everyday crying, he is so distraught without you Mina.”
‘Really,’ I thought, feeling bad for him. I still loved him, part of me even wanted to still be with him but I still hadn’t made my mind up and at the moment I just wanted to get through today before I made a choice. “It’s sad for me to hear he is having a hard time,” I assured her, although I didn’t quite feel the emotions. I really wanted to say something, like he should feel bad, he cheated on me! But I knew that she was his friend too and it always sucked being caught up in the middle of a feud between friends so I left it at that and went back to listening to her gush about Eirnan.
“I think he is going to ask me to marry him,” she said, catching me off guard.
“Wow! That is so fast,” I said, trying not to sound the way I felt.
“Why, what is wrong?” she asked perhaps sensing that I was troubled by the news.
“I just don’t want to see either of you get hurt. I mean, I thought Declan and I were meant to be together but he isn’t the man I thought he was,” I declared, “Are you sure you know Eirnan well enough?”
Suddenly Taya stood up and walking half way to the door she turned to me stating, “You know, maybe if you weren’t always so quick to assume things will fail, you and Declan wouldn’t be having the problems you are having now! I love Eirnan and he loves me. I believe in soul mates, and he is mine. Now, you are my friend and are supposed to say congratulations, not I am ‘not sure that things will work out.’ Just because you messed up your relationship doesn’t mean you are going to mess up mine,” and on that note she stormed out.
Hell, I had never meant to make her so angry with me perhaps I was better off alone today so I let her walk out. I wanted nothing more than to call out and defend myself about how I was not the one who had ruined my relationship. I didn’t go off and kiss someone else. But I didn’t as I don’t think she would have listened to me.
Apparently today was proving to be a disaster so I decided it might be better if I locked myself away in my safe place to wait the day away. What was the point of trying to talk to people when they were all convinced I was so horrible? I was frustrated by it all so I spent the next few hours rolling around my bed, trying to get comfortable. I wanted nothing more than for all this to be over with. What a bad day; I had made my best friend here angry at me and I was now sitting alone, waiting for the night to come which only made it a much longer wait than it maybe should be.
Having managed to successfully pass three hours, I was relieved when Maggie came in and told me dinner was ready. I wasn’t going to dress up for dinner regardless of those people who might be there who might have something to say about me. They could be shocked as I joined our guests dressed in my jeans and t-shirt. If anyone said anything then I would tell them that today was my day so they could shut up; thankfully no one did.
We all sat eating our meals quietly, although every once in a while someone would make polite chit chat but regardless it was actually a nice evening. I found myself enjoying being surrounded by people who weren’t constantly telling me their expectations. At the end of the meal everyone excused themselves and headed out to the site of the ceremony which was near the new cabin they had built. They would gather around the large fire pit the same as they had at Declan’s animal ceremony.
Going upstairs I slipped into the white gown, asking Lorcan as he passed the room, to come in and zip the dress up. He stood behind me, pressing his warm hand on my cool back before pulling the fabric together to zip it up. I felt as much as I sensed his eyes on my bare skin and the familiar cold chills returned. “I am so nervous,” I said turning to him, as he pulled me into a light hug. His strong arms wrapped around me like a safety blanket shielding me from the world around us.
“Everything will be alright Banphrionsa,” he told me. Strangely I had started to like it when he called me that as it was his own way of calling me princess.
“Mina,” he started before pulling away from our tangled embrace but resting his arms on my wrists, “My mother used to say “Nach bhfuil a todhchaí a leagtar, níl aon cinniúint, ach cad a dhéanann muid dúinn féin.” It means, "the future is not set, there is no fate but what we make for ourselves.” Remember, regardless of what happens tonight, you control the outcome; we are given free will for a reason. I also want you to know that no matter what happens tonight I will be a part of that future as your protector and your friend.”
The saying was meaningful and I liked it, and the fact that he had said he would be my friend really got to me. “What happened to ‘you couldn’t be friends with me and protect me too?” I teased him.
Laughing he responded, “I had a change of heart, you look as if you could use a friend.”
I hugged him once more, wanting to tell him it was the best gift anyone could have given me tonight but my mother suddenly yelled from the foyer that it was time to go. Holding out his arm he placed mine through it, “Shall we go?” he asked. And then I knew I wasn’t alone, and that gave me strength.
We walked as a family to the ceremony site. Liam and Eleanor, my adoring parents leading the way, my sister and someone I had grown to consider as my brother, Knoll walking behind us. I say us because Lorcan’s arm was still linked through mine. Somehow it felt complete having him with me, and regardless if we just stayed friends or not , I would feel that way. I had no doubt in my mind he was meant to be my guardian. He gave me strength and that was something no one before him had done.
As we approached I felt the heat from the large fire. There was the sound of several people talking and laughing as they stood around the fire but when they caught sight of us they all grew silent. This was it I told myself as Lorcan let go of my arm and as my father took my hand we
stepped inside of the circle.
“Thank you all for coming here tonight! I am so blessed to be standing here with my beautiful daughter who has grown into a remarkable young woman. I couldn’t be more proud of her.” As he paused I felt a tear begin to roll down my cheek. Whilst it was something for him to tell me this in the comfort of our own home, it was certainly something more to announce his pride in me for the whole village to hear and to me that was amazing.
My mother joined us and stood on the side opposite of my father. “We are both proud of her,” she said, laughing lightly as everyone joined in. She always knew how to handle a crowd. “We all know that tonight holds an importance unlike any other animal changing ceremony. We are also gathered here tonight to witness the next Queen’s ceremony!” It felt so empowering having her there with me, and with her voice roaring over the fire, I felt as if in this moment I could be queen someday.
“Let the ceremony begin,” my father announced and they both left me standing in the circle alone, until Willow joined me. I hadn’t talked to her in what felt like days, she was another person who was responsible for the strength I felt. In a way she was like a grandmother to me.
As I thought back to Declan’s ceremony I remembered that he had worn a robe for his transition so I hoped that wearing a silk dress wasn’t going to end in embarrassment for me. My thoughts were disrupted as I heard someone joining Willow and knew from Declan’s ceremony it must be Maggie. I felt comfort in my sister being a part of this. Placing her hand on my arm Maggie called out, “I know that a parent usually stands here but our parents have asked me to do the honors.” Taking a breath she began, “Carmina,” she called out, “Do you accept the Pacu’s way of life? Do you swear to never to use your animal to hurt another, unless it is between life and death?”
Clearing my throat, which had grown raspy from the smoke that came from the fire, I announced, “I do accept the Pacu way of life, and I swear to never kill another animal, unless it is between life and death.”
“So mote it be,” Maggie responded.
Then Willow joined us and said, “I call upon the great Pacu spirits on this night, and pray that you be with Carmina on her journey, and that you help soothe her pain and mind as she goes through this painful, life altering experience.” Having spoken the two ladies began to walk round the circle, chanting but too low for even me to hear. Handing me a double braided rope I ran my hands across it, remembering that Declan’s had been a single braid.
When instructed I threw it into the fire. I couldn’t see what was happening in front of me but everyone gasped in awe, and I pictured the owl that had risen from the smoke at Declan’s ceremony; a beautiful white colored one with a brown spot around its eye. I wondered if the fox was as beautiful but my thoughts were silenced when Maggie came to me and asked, “Do you accept this gift from the spirits?”
“I do,” I announced feeling strange to be accepting something I couldn’t see yet somehow it felt right. And with that thought I was suddenly tossed up into the air where I literally hovered above the ground.
Suddenly frightened I called out, “What is going on?” Just as suddenly, it was as if someone had removed a blindfold from my eyes, the darkness began to recede! At first it was like trying to focus your eyes after someone takes your picture with a flash camera; there were patches of light everywhere I looked! But most importantly I could see!
Looking below me I saw Maggie and Willow watching me nervously. I saw my parents smiling faces! Tears ran down my cheeks and yelled out, “I can see!”
Everyone began clapping and then the bright light I saw hovering over the crackling fire turned to me. It was the same faceless light I had seen when I was stabbed and when it spoke many voices echoed out around us. “You have done well my daughter, you have learned to see with your heart. Do you accept the gift that we offer you young one?”
“Yes! I do,” I yelled out feeling so happy that I could see again. Slowly I watched as a large ball of light held out its arm and it produced a smaller ball of light.
Then the Voices called out, “So mote it be.”
Suddenly the ball of light came rushing at me taking the form of at least a dozen animals before it reached me. It made one swift motion and entered my body. I had no idea what pain was until I fell to the ground, feeling as if my body was on fire. My God, had I landed in the fire? I felt as if my skin was stretching and pulling in ways I didn’t know was possible.
In desperation I yelled out, “Someone please help me,” and I curled into myself, screaming over and over again as my bones began to shift; every inch of my body felt nothing but pain. It was the most agonizing thing I had ever felt in my life! I just wanted it to end and kept screaming out please, just make it stop! My body was shaking and I could see people gathering around me their mouths moving but I couldn’t make out what they were saying because I couldn’t quiet my screams.
“The darkness will come soon,” I heard someone say and thankfully it did. Finally, when I didn’t think I could take anymore the blackness settled in and I fell into a deep sleep.
Chapter 23
The first thing I saw upon waking up was a dark room. The only thing keeping it from being pitch black was the moon shining through the window, leaving a shadow of light across my feet as I lay in the small twin sized bed which appeared to be handmade and carved out of wood. Slowly I traced my hand against the smooth finish and it hit me I was all alone. There was no one around for miles but I recalled my mother assuring me that the guardians would be keeping watch; although they must have been in there animal forms as I couldn’t see anyone standing outside. It wasn’t as scary as I had feared.
Suddenly I could see again! Now that most definitely changed everything! The ceremony came back to me in flashes and suddenly I knew it had come true; I was the one everyone thought I was but what that meant exactly I still wasn’t sure. All I knew was I wasn’t frightened by it anymore. Along with getting my eye sight back I also had a strange sense of calm lingering over me. Lying back against the pillows I looked up at the ceiling, thinking about all the people who had laid here before me, in this exact spot. Despite that I was still enthralled by the fact that I could see again! I had thought I was going to be blind forever.
This was a new start for me and I sent a silent thank you to the Pacu spirits. Everyone said the pain would last for the majority of the three days and that during that time I would come to be one with the knowledge of the animal I had chosen, which was a fox. Unfortunately I wasn’t quite sure what I had received, as I remembered the flashing images from the ball of light coming towards me kept shifting from a fox, to a bear and then a dozen other creatures. Did this mean I could shift into any of them?
That would be pretty awesome; other than the pain. I couldn’t think about the pain. ‘It is the worst thing,’ I thought, ‘that has ever happened to me and that includes my boyfriend kissing my enemy and finding out my parents were not my parents but had kidnapped me and had intended on killing me.’ The memories made me shiver as I knew it was something I would just never forget.
Thinking back I remembered Declan telling me about his animal ceremony and how he was supposed to be assigned a job after his first transition even though he wasn’t a real guardian. Then it smacked me in the face like a ton of bricks, the reason he had been so jealous of Lorcan. His job assignment was to be a guardian just as he always wanted to be. I had been so caught up in my own drama I hadn’t even thought to question it when my father told him he wouldn’t be done with his training for a while. He had done it to become my guardian but when Lorcan came into the picture it broke his heart because he knew he never would be my guardian.
Running my hands through my hair I couldn’t believe how blind I truly was (no pun intended). I needed to talk to him and apologize. But still, it was no excuse for him kissing Thora, yet it explained a lot. I noticed as I Stood up from the bed my legs felt achy and my stance was a little wobbly. Walking into the bathroom I looked into the
mirror hoping to like the new hairstyle I had opted for. When I looked I was surprised to see that the hairstyle wasn’t the only thing that had changed. I wondered if maybe I was dreaming or someone was playing a joke on me. I rubbed my hand across the mirror but there seemed to be no foul play.
Staring back at me was me but not with my usual reddish brown hair now it was the lightest blonde color I had ever seen. But worse than that I discovered my usually green eyes were the worst part. Now I had one very bright blue eye and one very bright green eye. I felt I looked like a beautiful freaky version of my sister and mother.
Feeling as if I was going to pass out I opened the window by the bed and sat down in the rocking chair next to it. I breathed the fresh air in deeply and watched the last embers of the fire burn out. What has happened to me? I called out, hoping someone would answer, but I was met only by the sound of the creek running over the rocks and a few crickets calling into the night.
Leaning back against the cool wood of the chair I let it welcome me as I wondered what I was going to do out here for the next three days. A dozen thoughts ran through my head when all of a sudden an image came before my eyes, almost as if I was watching a silent movie. There was a beautiful long, red haired fox crouched down waiting, it’s yellow eyes watching something intently. I watched in awe as the fox suddenly leapt out from behind the rock and caught a rabbit in its mouth. It was stealthy and fast; its size didn’t matter as it knew the right time to strike and so was it rewarded for its patience. ‘My first lesson,’ I thought to myself. I had become wiser by learning the patience of the fox.
It was happening. I was now learning and becoming connected to my spirit animal. Another image flashed in front of me. It was a bird carrying a large worm, her wings flapping hard against the rapid wind. As she flew I could feel her exhaustion but she kept flying on flapping her wings tirelessly, mile after mile until she came upon a tree. As I watched her landing I saw a nest of birds; they were crying out in hunger and she dropped the worm inside their nest, watching as they ate, and grew tired. She leaned her body against the nest, beginning to fall asleep. I could feel the hunger within her, she had fed her young, not herself; flying for miles to bring them their food. I knew instantly as the images left my vision what lesson the bird had taught me, something that I needed desperately to understand, selflessness. The bird would rather have starved than watch her babies go hungry. I had such respect for the tiny bird that tears began to fill my eyes, she was a true mother, and I knew instantly that my mother would have done the same for me.