Lost & Found

by Kitty Neale

  ‘Mum, why are you holding your tummy? Are you all right?’

  ‘I’m just upset about your dad and feel a little bit sick, that’s all,’ Lily said. Mavis didn’t know that she was pregnant, and this was hardly the time to tell her. With two children of her own it might come as a bit of a shock to hear that she was going to have a half brother or sister, and that the baby would be an aunt or uncle to James and Grace.

  Alec could hear the soft murmur of voices drifting from the spare room as he lay in bed, deep in thought. He’d been shocked to find that his mother had overdosed on painkillers and furious at first at what he’d thought was his wife’s negligence.

  Alec shifted uncomfortably. Yet it hadn’t been Mavis at fault, it was his mother, and he now feared that her illness had affected her mind. She seemed so confused and complained of neglect, had in fact been complaining about Mavis’s lack of care for some time. Lily Jackson had disputed it, said that his mother had run Mavis ragged and, in light of the fiasco with the pills, Alec believed her.

  He turned onto his side, plumped up his pillow, yet still couldn’t sleep. He knew his mother hated disruption and, if Ron Jackson had just been ill, wanting him to leave would have been understandable. Yet he wasn’t just ill, the man was dying, and it had shocked him that despite knowing that fact, his mother had still wanted him thrown out. It seemed overly harsh, cruel, another reason to think that his mother’s mind was going.

  If her father had been made to leave, would Mavis really have gone with him? Alec didn’t know, but there was no denying the threat had seemed real enough. Mavis had said she hated him, but surely that wasn’t true? No, he assured himself. Of course Mavis loved him, though in all honesty he couldn’t say he felt the same about her.

  Alec knew that he’d been besotted with Mavis at first, but of course it had just been lust, and though he knew his mother was right, that Mavis lacked intelligence, their sex life was something he still enjoyed. Other than that, Mavis was pretty much useless and though his mother may have been wrong on this occasion, there was no denying the fact that Mavis was incapable of doing anything else without instruction.

  Despite his wife’s failings, Alec was sure that he’d been a good husband. He worked hard to ensure that Mavis and the children were well provided for, and though she had the burden of looking after his mother, her life now was far superior to the one she had left.

  Frowning, Alec again plumped up his pillow. Mavis had stood up to him, argued with him, and he still wasn’t sure how long he should put up with that sort of behaviour. At last Alec felt himself drifting off to sleep, his last thought that he’d give Mavis a little leeway, try to show a bit of understanding, but once things got back to normal she had better not raise her voice to him again.

  It was two in the morning and Lily was struggling to stay awake. Mavis was bent over, her head on the bed as she dozed fitfully. It was a cold February and Lily was glad that there was a small electric fire to heat the room, yet even so she shivered.

  Since that last time, Ron hadn’t opened his eyes, and Lily knew by his breathing that he was now clinging on to life by a thread. She leaned forward again, her mouth close to his ear as she whispered, ‘I’m still here, love, still with you and…and wherever you go, you’ll take a piece of my heart with you.’

  Mavis lifted her head, her eyes glazed, unfocused, and in the dim light that glowed from the bedside lamp, for a split second, Lily found that looking at her daughter was like looking at Ron, the young, handsome and vigorous man she had married.

  ‘Mum, he hasn’t gone, has he?’

  ‘No, he’s still with us, but…but he’s worse. Here, change places with me. Talk to your dad. He still might be able to hear you.’

  They exchanged chairs and, taking her father’s hand, Mavis said, ‘Dad, it’s me, Mavis. Don’t go, don’t leave me again. Please, Dad, other than Gran you’re the only one who ever stood up for me, who cared. You…you can’t die. You can’t.’

  As she listened to her daughter, Lily felt as though her heart would break. She’d been a rotten mother who hadn’t shown Mavis an ounce of love or affection. She wasn’t fit to have another baby, didn’t deserve another baby, but then Lily heard an awful sound and cried out in anguish. It was the death rattle, the last breath that left Ron’s body as he slipped from this world.

  ‘No, Ron! No!’ Lily cried, rearing to her feet, but then Lily felt a stirring in her stomach. She shivered, covered in goosebumps, and it felt as though every hair on her body was standing up on end.

  ‘Dad, Dad,’ Mavis sobbed, throwing herself across his body.

  Lily fought to stop the thought that flew into her mind. It was madness, of course it was madness, but she couldn’t let it go. At the moment of Ron’s death her baby had stirred to life, almost as though the two had become entwined. Stop it, stop it, she told herself. It was impossible, of course it was impossible.

  Mavis was still sobbing, and Lily knew that somehow she had to find the strength to comfort her. She’d been a useless mother, but perhaps now she could start to put it right. She pulled her daughter away from Ron’s body, gently cajoling, ‘Come on, sweetheart. He’s gone now, he’s at peace.’

  ‘Oh, Mum, Mum…’

  ‘I know, darling, I know,’ Lily murmured, and urging Mavis to her feet she pulled the girl into her arms. Mavis clung to her, both of them in tears, both grieving. Mavis for her father, and Lily for the only man she had ever really loved.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Mavis was still in a dreadful state and Jenny wasn’t sure what to do. She’d looked after James and Grace for five days now, glad to have been able to help, but her cousin was arriving tomorrow and would need the spare room. Grace was sleeping in there at the moment, while James was in with her son, Greg, the two boys getting on well together. Grace, however, was a different matter and even if she wanted to, Jenny knew she couldn’t squeeze the child in with them.

  ‘I want to go home,’ Grace appealed.

  ‘Soon, darling,’ Jenny placated, ‘and anyway, it’s nearly time to fetch James and Greg from school.’

  This seemed to satisfy the child and Jenny sighed with relief. Grace became fractious when James was in school and Jenny had done the best she could to keep her amused. Though the weather was cold they went to the common every day, the child happy to play on the swings or go to the pond to feed the ducks.

  Yet it wasn’t a fractious child that worried Jenny. It was James, and the bruises she had seen on his body the first night he’d come to stay. She had no problem with a child being given the occasional smack if they were very naughty, but this was far worse and looked more like a beating.

  Jenny bit on her lower lip. She couldn’t just leave it, allow this to continue, and somehow had to raise the subject with Mavis. She would have to wait as Mavis wasn’t up to it right now, but Jenny loathed the thought of James going home to face more abuse.

  A knock on the door startled Jenny out of her thoughts and, seeing that Grace was intent on dressing her doll, she left her there while she went to answer it.

  ‘Mavis, come in,’ she invited. ‘How are you?’

  ‘I felt like the walls were closing in on me and had to get out of the house, if only for a little while. Not only that, it’s time I took James and Grace off your hands.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Jenny asked. ‘What about…well…the…’

  ‘Funeral,’ Mavis finished for her, eyes dark with pain. ‘For once, Alec has been marvellous. With my mother in Peckham it’s difficult, but when Alec suggested it she agreed to leave all the arrangements to him.’

  ‘Mummy!’ Grace shouted as she ran along the hall.

  ‘Hello, darling,’ Mavis said as she swept the child up into her arms.

  ‘Can I come home now?’

  ‘Yes, pet,’ Mavis said, hugging the child to her.

  ‘Would you still like me to collect James from school?’ Jenny asked.

  ‘Yes, if you wouldn’t mind. I know I
have to pull myself together for the children’s sake, to get back into some routine, but somehow I’m finding it impossible.’

  ‘Mavis, it’s early days and though you’re taking Grace home now, why don’t you leave James with me? He’s no trouble and I know Greg loves having him here.’

  ‘Thanks, Jenny, you’ve been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d have done without you, but Grace wouldn’t settle without James.’

  With her cousin coming, Jenny knew that she no longer had room for Grace, and with no other choice she murmured, ‘Yes, I suppose you’re right. Why don’t you come through to the kitchen, though I’m afraid I haven’t time to make a cup of tea.’

  Mavis put Grace down, but the child still clung to her hand as they walked along the hall. ‘I know, and as I told my mother-in-law I wouldn’t be long, I’ll have to get back in a few minutes.’

  ‘How is she?’

  ‘Not too well and in a lot of pain, but she’s kinder these days so that’s something.’

  ‘Can we go now?’ Grace asked. ‘I want to see the sad man.’

  ‘Oh…oh…’ Mavis gasped.

  Jenny could see that Mavis was close to breaking down and took over. She crouched down in front of Grace, saying softly, ‘I’m afraid the man has gone, darling. He had to go to a place called heaven, but now that he’s there he won’t be sad any more.’

  ‘Can I go too?’

  ‘One day I’m sure you will, but not yet,’ Jenny said, hugging Grace to her as the child’s eyes filled with tears. ‘Anyway, what about James? He’d miss you if you went away. Mummy would too, and Daddy.’

  ‘What about Granny? Can I go to see Granny?’ Grace said, pulling away from Jenny’s arms.

  Mavis had somehow managed to pull herself together and, sweeping Grace up again, she said, ‘I don’t suppose you mean Granny Pugh, but your other grandma will be coming to see you again on Saturday.’

  ‘That…that’s not the day of the…?’ Jenny asked, again failing to utter the word ‘funeral’.

  ‘No, it’s just a visit and a chance to talk over what arrangements Alec has made.’

  Jenny glanced at the clock. ‘I’m sorry, Mavis. I’ll have to go. It’s time to pick the children up from school. I’ll drop James off with you and then sort out their things to bring round later.’

  ‘Thanks, Jenny,’ Mavis said as Jenny put on her coat.

  Together they walked to the front door, Grace clinging on to her mother like a limpet as they went outside.

  Jenny called a quick goodbye as she hurried off, regretting the fact that she hadn’t been able to talk to Mavis about the bruising she’d seen on James’s body. She feared for the boy, dreaded him returning home, and knew she would have to talk to Mavis as soon as the funeral was over.

  When Pete arrived home from work he found Lily sitting by the fire, her hands resting on her stomach. ‘Hello, love.’

  Her eyes looked glazed as she turned her head. ‘Pete, I didn’t hear you come in.’

  ‘You were miles away,’ he said. Lily had been the same since Ron’s death, distant, remote, as though a part of her had died with him. Pete was sure that it would pass, that if he was patient, caring, Lily would turn to him again.

  When Lily did talk, she avoided mentioning Ron and instead it was always her daughter. Pete had always suspected that Mavis was bright, and now that Lily knew that too she was racked with guilt, saying what a rotten mother she’d been. He knew she wanted to make amends, to see more of Mavis, and hoped she’d be over the moon with his purchase.

  Lily stood up now, avoiding his eyes as she said in a dull tone, ‘Dinner’s nearly ready.’

  ‘Leave it for a minute. I’ve got something to show you. Come with me.’

  Her brow creased, but she followed him to the front door, and throwing it open Pete said, ‘What do you think of that then?’

  Lily looked at the small, white van parked outside, and then at last met his eyes. ‘Is it yours?’

  ‘Not mine. It’s ours. I thought it was time for a bit of transport and it’ll fill two roles. I can use it for work, and it’ll come in handy to run you back and forth to see Mavis.’

  ‘Oh, Pete,’ she gasped, fighting tears as she stumbled back to the kitchen.

  ‘Lily, what’s the matter? I thought you’d be pleased.’

  ‘I am, Pete, honestly I am.’

  ‘Why the tears then?’

  ‘’Cos I know I don’t deserve you, that’s why.’

  ‘Don’t be soppy and, anyway, the van isn’t the only surprise. I’ve arranged for us to have a telephone installed.’

  ‘A telephone? But why?’

  ‘It’ll be another way to keep in touch with Mavis.’

  Lily surged to her feet, throwing herself into his arms. ‘Oh…Pete…Pete.’

  He held her, letting her cry, feeling her vulnerability. Lily still showed a hard front and rarely broke down, but it had cracked now. It didn’t matter. He’d be there for Lily and would shore her up for as long as she needed him.

  Mavis heard Alec come in, his routine different now. Instead of going straight in to see his mother, he now came to the kitchen first and she braced herself for his kiss. He was trying, she knew that, his manner kinder, but for Mavis it was too late. Her father’s death had acted as the catalyst that opened her eyes. If he hadn’t disappeared she would never have married Alec. She had used him as a means of escape, had allowed herself to be led into it by her mother-in-law, but really there was nobody to blame but herself. She had been stupid, naïve, had felt so worthless that she’d let both Alec and his mother dominate her and the children.

  ‘Hello, my dear, how are you feeling?’ Alec asked as he strode over to kiss her cheek.

  ‘I’m all right,’ she said, trying to avoid flinching at his touch. Yes, she might only have herself to blame, but if Alec and his mother had acted differently, she may have found some happiness. Oh, they were trying now, both of them, but it didn’t fool Mavis. It was fear, that was all—fear that she would leave. If only she could do just that, release the bonds, but with no income of her own, and nowhere to go, Mavis knew she was trapped.

  ‘Hello, James. Hello, Grace,’ Alec said.

  ‘Hello, Daddy,’ they chorused as Grace leaped to her feet to throw her arms around her father’s legs.

  ‘Drawing again, I see,’ he said. ‘I think we have an artist in the family.’

  James had remained sitting, and it didn’t surprise Mavis. Alec had always favoured Grace, and she was rarely smacked; her daughter was shown far more affection than her son.

  ‘Look at mine, Daddy,’ James appealed.

  ‘Not now, James. I must pop along to see your grandmother. I hope you’ve been good and haven’t disturbed her.’

  ‘He hasn’t,’ Mavis insisted through clenched teeth. Never again would she allow James to suffer at his father’s hands. She might have to stay with Alec, but he and his mother would find that if they reverted back to normal, she would no longer stand for it.

  She’d been a meek and biddable idiot, but no more. If not for her own sake, then for James’s, she had to change, and in doing so maybe, just maybe, life in this house would be bearable.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  The funeral was sparsely attended, with just Mavis, Lily and Pete along with a couple of old neighbours from Cullen Street.

  Lily ignored Kate Truman and Olive Wilson as she clutched Pete’s hand on one side and her daughter’s on the other. Alec wasn’t there. He’d had to stay at home to look after his mother and the children, but Lily had to admit that her son-in-law had come up trumps with the arrangements. The coffin was nice, and the beautiful spray of white lilies on the top looked lovely, but she’d felt awful that Pete had been the one to bear most of the costs.

  The service ended and Lily dreaded going to the graveside. When they got there it was as much as she could do to stay on her feet, barely aware that Pete was holding her up.

  ‘Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,’ the
minister intoned as Ron’s coffin was lowered.

  Lily drew in great gulps of air, but at last it was over and somehow she managed to steady her shaking legs. She saw Olive Wilson looking at her, disdain in her eyes, but quickly averting her face Lily reached out to touch her daughter’s arm. ‘Come on, let’s go.’

  They turned to walk away, but Kate Truman moved to stand in front of them, saying softly, ‘Hello, Lily. I’m sorry for your loss.’

  ‘Yeah, well, Mavis told me that you found Ron and took him in for a while so I’ll thank you for that. Now if you’ll excuse me,’ she said, almost dragging Mavis away, but not before Olive Wilson’s words reached her ears.

  ‘I don’t know how she’s got the cheek to play the grieving widow.’

  ‘Olive, shut up,’ Kate hissed. ‘Now’s not the time.’

  Lily’s jaw was clenched, determined not to give Olive Wilson the pleasure of a reaction. Back straight, she walked away from the graveside and to the car.

  Edith endeavoured to sit upright, but it was proving impossible, the pain across her shoulder blades excruciating.

  Alec came in and seeing that she was struggling he moved quickly to help her. ‘Mother, why didn’t you call me?’

  ‘I was about to,’ she said as Alec placed pillows behind her back. ‘Thank you, that’s much better. The children are quiet for a change.’

  ‘They know better than to misbehave when I’m around.’

  ‘I should think Mavis will be back soon and, now that the funeral is over, things can get back to normal.’

  ‘Mavis is finding it hard to cope with her father’s death. I doubt she’ll be back to normal for some time yet.’

  ‘I meant the routine of the house, Alec.’

  He moved to the window. ‘There’s the car now.’

  Edith pursed her lips. No doubt Mavis would invite her mother in again. She just hoped the awful woman wouldn’t stay for long. She heard their voices but, instead of going along to the kitchen, Lily Jackson poked her head in the door.