[Firehouse Fourteen 01.0] Once Burned

by Lisa B. Kamps

  He took another deep breath and nodded at Jay, then casually walked out in front of the stage. His head turned from side to side, watching the students as they took their seats and settled in. A few of them called out greetings, or made remarks about getting out of class. The mood was still light, the underlying excitement still humming in the air around them.

  Nick walked back and forth, trying to calm his nerves as he said a word here and there to a few students. He knew he was smiling, felt it on his face, but it was nothing more than show, a mask to hide his nervousness.

  He took another deep breath as the last few stragglers took their seats, his eyes searching out Kayla. She was still slouched down in her seat, her arms crossed in front of her, watching him with an unreadable expression. He smiled at her and felt an instant's gratification when she shifted, sitting straighter and not looking quite so bored.

  One last deep breath, and it was show time. He could do this with no problem, he thought. It shouldn't be any different than each weekend when he was up on stage.

  Except he didn't have quite so much to lose then as he did now.

  Nick pushed that thought from his mind then stepped toward the audience, holding his arms up to get their attention. "Alright everyone, settle down."

  A minute went by before the conversations and laughter drifted off to a manageable silence. Nick knew he didn't have everyone's attention, not yet.

  That would change.

  "Okay, so who can tell me why we're here?" Nick didn't wait to call on anyone, just motioned for people to call out. He let the crowd have their way for a minute, then motioned for silence again.

  "Exactly. For the next hour, we're going to learn about drinking and driving." Nick looked down at the rolled papers in his hand, noticed he was absently playing with them. With a mental shake, he flattened the roll and stuffed it into his back pocket. He didn't need notes for this.

  "Show of hands. Who plans on going out and having fun this weekend?" Nearly all the hands in the room went up, and Nick included himself, which drew a few laughs. "Hey, teachers need a break, too. So yeah, a lot of us will be having fun. Of course, I'd be surprised if anyone here said no."

  His gaze drifted back to Kayla and he was heartened to see a small smile lift the corners of her mouth. "Next question: how many of you here plan on drinking when you go out?"

  All hands went down and a few snickers burst from the crowd.

  "No fair, Mr. L. You know we're not old enough to drink."

  "Touché, Sam, touché." Nick grinned at the athlete and received a smile in return. "So yeah, in a perfect world, none of you drink."

  From somewhere in the back came a forced sneeze that suspiciously sounded like "bullshit". Nick glanced toward the back and shook his head. "It's nice to see some things haven't changed since I was in high school. But yeah, let's all just agree that this isn't a perfect world, and that nobody is going to buy the bull that nobody here drinks. Will that work?"

  More laughter. Nick smiled, gratified that the students felt comfortable enough with him to relax. "So yeah, we know people drink. And if you're underage, well. That's between you, your parents, and quite possibly the police. But that's not what we're here for."

  Nick turned and walked the few steps back to the stage, motioning for Jay to join him. "Some of you have already had this presentation and met Jay Moore, along with his partner Kayla Donaldson. And like anyone who's sat in that class will tell you, they're not here to talk about drinking. What they are here for, is to talk about drinking and driving."

  Nick nodded at Jay, who took a step closer to the stage. He turned back to face the crowd, noticing the slight discomfort settling over the room. He shook his head and gave a small laugh. "And already I'm losing you. Don't worry guys, we're not here to lecture you. Honest."

  Nick offered a reassuring smile to the crowd, going out of his way to make eye contact with as many students as he could. "So, why don't we drink and drive? Anyone?"

  As Nick expected, long seconds went by before one small voice hesitantly offered an answer, followed by another and another until more students were shouting, not worrying if they were repeating answers or not. Nick let the shouting continue for a few minutes then held up his hand to quiet everyone.

  "All good answers. But I'm not surprised. I mean, everyone knows you shouldn't drink and drive, right?" He looked around, slowly letting the smile die on his face. He glanced up the aisle to see Kayla sitting there, watching him. "Yeah, we know. But the reality is a little different."

  Nick turned his head and nodded at Jay. The man looked at him for a long minute, as if asking if he was sure. Nick nodded again, and Jay raised his toward the back, signaling.

  The lights in the auditorium dimmed, throwing the room into near darkness. From the back came the sound of music playing, a generic rock song overlaid with people talking and laughing. Nick closed his eyes, watching a scene play itself out in his memory in time with the soundtrack that surrounded them.

  Laughter. Talking.

  Music.

  The heart-stopping squeal of brakes and rubber squealing.

  A split-second pause.

  The jarring impact of metal against metal, screeching, tearing. A scream, fading into the backdrop of noise.

  Silence. Dead silence.

  This isn't real. This isn't real. It’s staged. It's only a memory. This isn't real.

  Nick took a deep breath and forced his jaw to relax, forced his fists to unclench. He opened his eyes and jammed his shaking hands into his pockets then turned to face the stage. Theatrical lighting was now focused on the tableau off to the side, bathing it an eerie light that only lent more reality to the morbid scene in front of them.

  This isn't real. Get it together.

  Nick took another deep breath and faced the crowd, unsurprised by the silence and looks of horror etched on most of the faces. But he couldn't look at Kayla. Not yet.

  My God, Kayla, I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

  The silence stretched around them, almost unbearable. Off to the side, he heard someone sniffle, a small sound in the stillness. Behind him, he heard Jay shuffle, heard him call his name in a voice just under a whisper. Nick nodded and waved with one shaking hand, letting him know he was alright.

  He took another deep breath and let it out slowly, his gaze taking in the shocked faces around him.

  "A friend of mine told me that teenagers think they're invincible, that they're immortal. They think something like this can never happen to them." Nick didn't turn around to look, didn't need to. He knew Jay was projecting pictures on the screen, awful graphic pictures of real accidents.

  Real consequences.

  "I'm here to tell you that you're not immortal. That you're not invincible. And if you think it can't happen to you, you're wrong." His voice was louder now, increasing in volume, thick with emotion he could no longer hide. He cleared his throat and looked around, knowing without really seeing that he had everyone's attention now.

  Everyone's, including Kayla. He took a deep breath and moved up the aisle, not stopping until he was ten feet away from her. His eyes held hers with sheer force of determination, not letting her look away.

  "If you think it can't happen to you, you're wrong," he repeated, his voice carrying through the entire auditorium. "Because it can, and it will. I know, because it happened to me."

  The silence continued, charged with awareness and expectation. The tension rolled over him in waves and Nick couldn't tell if it was his own—or if it was coming from the crowd. He didn't care. His focus now was for Kayla, only Kayla.

  "Ten years ago, I was out partying. I was invincible, and knew that nothing bad would ever happen. I had someone with me that night, someone very special. Someone I loved. I walked away. She didn't." Kayla was looking up at him, her eyes wide and filled with tears as she shook her head, mouthing no in his direction.

  He didn't look away, just kept his focus on Kayla for long minutes as his revelation hi
t home to the crowd in the auditorium. Nick didn't know how much time had passed before Kayla gave her head a final shake and closed her eyes, breaking the trance that had wrapped around just the two of them.

  He clenched his fists and turned around, walking back toward the stage, speaking as he went.

  "Ten years ago, two lives were changed forever because of something I did, because I thought I was invincible. And to this day, I haven't forgiven myself. I don't know if I ever can."

  Nick nodded at Jay, his cue to take over, then turned back to the crowd.

  Kayla was gone.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Tremors wracked her body, overtaking her like an uncontrollable palsy. And the chill. A deep, bone-penetrating chill that wouldn't be dispelled no matter how much she huddled into herself.

  Kayla shifted on the sofa, pushing herself deeper into the corner and hugging her legs tighter to her chest. She pulled the fleece blanket more tightly around her shoulders and clenched her jaw against the latest tremor that shook her.

  The sound of her phone ringing drifted down the stairs and she wished again she had thought to turn it off before tossing it on her nightstand. That had been two hours ago, and it kept ringing. Every ten minutes, like clockwork.

  She didn't have the energy to climb the stairs and turn it off.

  And she was afraid that she didn't have the willpower not to answer it. So yeah, it was better to leave it upstairs and let it ring, no matter how annoying the sound was.

  Kayla shook her head and reached over for the mug of coffee, bringing it to her lips with a shaking hand. The coffee had long since turned cold but she didn't care, just wanted the hit of caffeine in her system.

  No, what she really wanted was something stronger. A shot of whiskey or brandy. But she still didn't have any alcohol in the house, hadn't even thought about buying any until after she came home this afternoon.

  After Nick and his bomb shell.

  Kayla let out a deep breath and closed her eyes, resting her head on the arm of the sofa. Oh God, she had not seen that coming, had been completely blindsided by it. And she still didn't know what to think of it.

  Why would he do that? Why? That was the question that kept repeating itself over and over, from the time she had finally reached the freedom of the parking lot and her Jeep and could actually think.

  She couldn't believe he had opened himself like that, had exposed something so deeply personal and horrible and shattering to people who knew him and looked up to him. And she had no doubt that his students respected him, that much had been clear from the very first. So why? Why would he do such a thing?

  She didn't want to know why. Was afraid of the answer.

  And afraid of what to do about it.

  Because she had to do something, that much at least was clear. It was the what that scared her. It would be so easy to just forget everything, or pretend to forget. Forget about seeing Nick again, pretend he hadn't come back into her life, pretend that there was nothing there and just go on with her life.

  Alone.

  Kayla ran a hand over her eyes and sighed, forcing herself to face the harsh reality of her world. Before Nick had come back into it, she had been alone, telling herself that she was happy that way.

  Only it had all been a sham. She told herself she was happy because she didn't want to admit otherwise, didn't want to admit she was lonely, that she wanted somebody besides her coworkers in her life. Her friends meant the world to her but they were just that: friends. And she wanted somebody to share her life with.

  A few weeks ago, if anyone had told her that someone would be Nick, there was a good chance she would have hit them. But now?

  Nick had changed. She had changed. They were no longer the scared kids they had been all those years ago. And while she mourned the loss of what they were, she knew that what they could be was so much better.

  All she had to do was let go of the past, to forgive him. And herself.

  Silence stretched around her and as the minutes ticked by, a sense of calm filled her. The chills lessened and finally disappeared, and warmth seeped into her. Mike opened her eyes and straightened, letting the blanket fall from her shoulders as she looked around the empty room.

  All she had to do was let go of the past, and forgive him. And herself.

  And she realized, sitting there in the quiet comfort of her living room, that she already had. Sometime in the last few months, she had let go of what happened ten years ago, pushing it into a little box labeled "the past" and putting it somewhere on a shelf in her memory. No, she couldn't forget it—she didn't think anyone could expect either of them to forget—but somehow, at some point, it had become just that: a memory, just like any other memory. It may have shaped and defined her in the past, but it wasn't who she was now. Who she had been for quite some time.

  And with that realization came another: she had forgiven Nick. She had forgiven him years ago and never admitted it to herself. She had loved him then, even after everything that had happened, and she couldn't love someone she hadn't forgiven.

  But did she love him now?

  She closed her eyes and a picture of Nick came immediately to mind, filling her with warmth. His dark hair, even now just a little on the long side. Dark intense eyes that encouraged her to lose herself in their depths. The feel of his arms around her, strong and protecting, caring, supporting.

  She forced the picture of Nick from her mind and thought about what life would be like if she never saw him again. Another chill quickly spread over her, filling her from the inside out. She pushed the feeling of emptiness away and opened her eyes.

  Yes, she loved Nick. Not the boy he had been, although that love would never die. She loved the man Nick had become, the emotion for the man stronger than it had ever been for the boy.

  A murmur of surprise escaped her at the realization. Had she known already, or was she only now realizing it? Given her reaction when Nick had told her he loved her, she admitted she had probably known for some time, but was too afraid to acknowledge it.

  Afraid. Her. And she had acted like a cowardly fool because of it.

  Mike tossed the blanket to the floor and pushed herself from the sofa. It took less than a minute for her to shove her feet into a pair of shoes, pull on her jacket, and grab her keys.

  The drive to Nick's house went by in a blur, her mind on autopilot until she pulled into his driveway. Close to a minute went by as she sat there, questioning herself and wondering if she was doing the right thing. Then she mentally berated herself, telling herself that of all the things she was, coward was not one of them. So she got out of the Jeep and walked to the front door and knocked on it, hard, not bothering with the doorbell.

  And waited.

  And waited some more.

  The cold evening air drifted around her, chilling the skin beneath her sweatpants and jacket. She bounced from one foot to the other then knocked again, wondering if maybe Nick wasn't home. But no, his car was in the driveway, blocked by her Jeep. He had to be home.

  She raised her fist to knock again then stood back in surprise when the door opened. Nick stood in front of her, still wearing the jeans and shirt he had on earlier. Her eyes raked his body, stopping to rest on his bare feet. She felt a smile tilt her mouth as her eyes drifted back up his body to his face.

  And her smile left her when she noticed the bleakness of his expression, the shadows in his eyes.

  "So. Can I come in?"

  Nick stepped to the side, not saying anything, and for the first time Mike seriously began to wonder if she was making a mistake. He closed the door behind her and led the way upstairs, still saying nothing as he lowered himself to the sofa and propped his feet on the table in front of him. She stood a few feet away, uncomfortable as she searched her mind for something to say.

  "You, uh, pretty much blindsided me this afternoon, you know? I hadn't expected that."

  Nick looked up at her, the expression in his eyes unreadable, and she shif
ted uncomfortably. "I didn't mean to. My apologies."

  "No problem." She didn't like the bleakness in his voice so she stood there, wondering what to do next. "I heard what you said. At the end. About not forgiving yourself."

  Nick looked up at her for a long minute then shook his head and closed his eyes. Mike chewed on her lower lip then took a deep breath and closed the distance to the sofa. She sat next to him, leaving only inches between them, then hesitated before reaching out and grabbing his hand. She twined her fingers through his and squeezed.

  "So here's the thing. I figure you pretty much have to forgive yourself because," she paused and took a deep breath, squeezing his fingers again, "because I've already forgiven you."

  She closed her eyes and waited. Nick shifted on the sofa next to her and she could feel his eyes on her but she was afraid to look.

  "Kayla." Her name was a hoarse whisper falling from his lips and she looked up, seeing naked emotion clear in the depths of his eyes. She tried to smile but felt it wobble and fall before she could. She took another deep breath and ran her free hand over her eyes, pushing in on them before running her hand through her hair and finally facing him again.

  "I love you Nick. I never really stopped, but it's different now. I love who you are now. I've been sitting at home the last few hours, thinking, wondering what it would be like without you in my life and the idea makes me miserable."

  "But what about—"

  She cut him off with a quick kiss, then reached out and cupped the side of his face with her free hand. "It's in the past. It's been in the past. That's not who we are now. That was something else I realized. I love you, Nick. Here and now."

  His eyes raked her face, the emotion still clear in their depths, but not as forlorn as before. And slowly, finally, one corner of his mouth tilted in a small smile and he leaned forward to kiss her, a gentle tender kiss that stole her breath and left her whimpering with need and emotion.

  "God Kayla, I love you. Now more than ever. You have no idea—"

  "I do. So could you maybe, you know, shut up and kiss me?"