‘Hello.’ She said quietly.
Unbelievably Paul leaned in to give her a kiss on her cheek, his arms open wide to pull her in for an embrace. She pulled away to one side quickly leaving him kissing air. It was an incredibly awkward moment, but what on earth was the idiot thinking? He felt like a stranger to her, he wasn’t the man she’d loved and married.
He looked hurt that she’d rebuked his embrace. Had he really thought that they could just pretend he’d not had an affair? He obviously thought he would be getting a hero’s welcome when she opened the door. They had promised each other on the phone to be civil in front of the children and Sarah fully intended to keep up her end of the promise. But kissing him was a level she wasn’t prepared to go to. She didn’t think that they would ever be back on kissing terms again.
‘Where are the kids?’ Paul eventually said, cutting the silence.
‘Inside.’ Sarah said pointing to the living room. Paul dropped his bags and walked in, expecting to be knocked down by Tommy and Katie as they rushed to hug him. Instead they stayed by the window, both of them unsure of themselves. Katie looked like she was about to start to cry and had started to suck her hair, something she hadn’t done in years. Tommy looked really angry again, like he wanted to punch Paul rather than kiss him.
‘Say hello to your Daddy.’ Sarah said gently to them.
‘Hello,’ they both chorused quietly.
‘Hey you guys.’ Paul said loudly. ‘Come here and let your Daddy give you a hug.’
They walked over slowly to him. Katie was in the lead, Tommy bringing up the rear, constantly looking at Sarah for reassurance.
‘I missed you, Daddy.’ Katie said tearfully as she gave him a big hug.
‘I missed you too princess,’ he answered her.
‘You were gone an awfully long time.’ She said to him.
‘I know.’ Paul replied with tears in his eyes. ‘Too long, Daddy’s so sorry.’
Sarah watched as Tommy offered him a half-hearted hug. He kept his two arms firmly by his side and looked down the whole time Paul tried to hug him. He was going to be a harder nut to crack. She could see how hard this was for Paul, seeing the consequences of his absence first-hand in his children’s reactions.
Ella then decided it was time to make herself heard and started to bang the remote control on the wooden floors, letting a few shouts out.
‘She’s gotten so big.’ Paul said in awe as he looked down at her. ‘She’s beautiful.’ He walked over to her and picked her up, kissing her chubby cheek. She looked at him with her big eyes and then turned to Sarah with her arms out, crying.
‘Don’t be like that,’ he sounded very disappointed.
‘She doesn’t know who you are!’ Tommy said with vengeance, before kicking one of Ella’s teddy bears that was on the floor. ‘She’s forgotten who you are!’
Paul looked stricken at his son’s words.
Sarah walked over and took Ella from his arms soothing her quickly.
‘Three months is a long time to be gone, Paul.’ Sarah said to him. ‘You can’t expect to walk back into the life you left and expect nothing to have changed. It’s going to take a bit of time for you to reconnect with each of the children. ’
Paul nodded miserably.
‘Should I go after him?’ Paul said, nodding in the direction of the door.
‘He’s upset. Let me talk to him for a few minutes. Katie, why don’t you take Daddy into the kitchen and show him the cupcakes we all made for today.’
‘They’re pink, Daddy!’ Katie said excitedly, grabbing his hand and leading him into the kitchen. Leaving Ella in her playpen, Sarah went looking for Tommy.
He was in his bedroom lying on his bed face down. His little body was heaving as he cried into his pillow.
‘You ok, buddy?’ Sarah asked her son gently. Stupid question she knew, he was obviously far from alright.
‘I hate him, Mam.’ Tommy said defiantly. ‘I wish he wasn’t my Daddy!’
‘No you don’t. You love your Daddy. You just don’t like him very much right now.’ Sarah said to him gently. She let her words just sit there, then continued. ‘Isn’t that right?’
Tommy looked up at her shrugging his shoulders. ‘Don’t know.’ He mumbled.
‘And it’s ok to not like him right now. Your Daddy hurt you when he left and you’re angry with him, right? I was pretty angry with him too so I understand.’
‘Were you Mammy?’ Tommy asked her, his eyes filled with unshed tears.
‘Yes I was.’
‘Are you still angry with him?’ Tommy asked her.
‘Yes, I am, a little bit. But it’s very hard for me to stay angry with your Daddy, because he gave me the most precious gifts in the whole wide world.’ Sarah replied.
‘What?’ Tommy asked.
‘He gave me you, Katie and Ella. How could I stay angry with him when I have you three precious children?’
Tommy smiled and wiped his tears with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.
‘Come here.’ She said to him, opening her arms for him to fall into.
He snuggled in close to his Mammy, the warmth of her embrace soothing his tears. She held him close until his body stopped shaking.
‘Your Daddy loves you very much Tommy, don’t ever forget that.’ She said to him gently.
‘If he loved me he’d have never left me.’
Sarah sighed. It was so unfair. Part of her wanted to kick Paul out of the house right then and there and tell him never to come back. But she knew that wasn’t in the children’s best interest. She had to put them first.
‘Tommy, have you ever done something that you wish you hadn’t?’ Sarah asked her son.
‘Suppose.’ He mumbled back. ‘I wish I hadn’t broken Katie’s Littlest Pet Shop house. She moaned about that for weeks and weeks,’ he ended dramatically.
There had been murder over that one!
‘Well sometimes grownups do things too that they wish they hadn’t also. Grownups make mistakes just like little boys do.’
Tommy nodded solemnly.
‘And well, your Daddy is really sorry he has been away for so long. He had to go and work and he got so caught up in his new job, he just forgot all about the time, and didn’t realise it had been so long since he saw all of you. That was his mistake.’
‘When I’m excited over things I sometimes forget the time.’ Tommy said to Sarah. ‘Like when I went to Joey’s house to play last week, I forgot to come home at five like I promised.’
‘That’s exactly it, just like that.’ Sarah said. ‘Daddy just forgot the time, but he’s here now. Do you think that maybe you can forgive him?’
Tommy scrunched his nose up as he thought about this. ‘When I was late home from Joey’s I had to say sorry. Is Daddy going to say he’s sorry too?’
Before Sarah could answer him, Paul walked in. He had tears in his eyes; he’d been listening at the door the whole time.
‘I’m really sorry. I did a bad thing forgetting the time.’ Paul said to his son. He sat down on the bed beside Tommy. ‘I promise never to do that again.’
Tommy looked at his father and decided that he really meant what he said. He did look very sorry.
‘Ok.’ Tommy said. ‘I forgive you.’ He leaned in and gave Paul a hug, his face breaking into a huge smile.
Paul looked up to Sarah over Tommy’s shoulder and mouthed quietly, ‘Thank you.’ He knew that Sarah could have used the situation to her advantage, making the kids hate him, but she had been fantastic, sticking up for him. For the first time since he had walked out of their marriage he thought that maybe he’d made a mistake. He had forgotten how amazing Sarah was. Michelle quickly popped into his head; she was forever complaining and nagging. He was exhausted at the minute, waiting on her hand and foot as she was so tired with the pregnancy. He didn’t remember Sarah ever being like that. She was brilliant when she was pregnant. His daydream stopped when he saw Sarah walk out of the room to give him a moment with
Tommy alone.
Sarah went back to the kitchen to find Katie feeding Ella pink icing from a cupcake.
‘She loves them Mammy!’ Katie said giggling, her face sticky from the frosting too.
‘It appears she’s not the only one, you little monkeys!’ Sarah said with a laugh. ‘Leave one for the rest of us!’
The day flew by very quickly with Paul reacquainting himself with all three children. Very quickly Ella was charmed with him and happily bouncing on his knee, listening to him singing Incy Wincy Spider out of tune and shrieking with delight with it all. Paul helped Sarah put the children to bed, promising them he’d be over early in the morning. They were going to spend the day at Rita’s house all together. Sarah had agreed that while Paul was in Ireland he should spend as much time as possible with the children.
‘Thanks for today.’ Paul said, looking at Sarah. They were in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee, all the children finally asleep.
‘You’re welcome. The kids loved seeing you. They’ve missed you.’
‘I know. I didn’t realise how much I missed them too till today. I’m so sorry, Sarah. For everything I’ve done.’
She sighed. His apologies didn’t really mean much to her. It was how he behaved in the future that mattered. ‘I hope you meant what you said earlier.’
‘About what?’ Paul asked.
‘When you promised Tommy you wouldn’t forget the time again. You can’t just disappear for months on end again. It’s too cruel on the children. I know it seems like they’ve gotten over it now, but you going away like that left a mark. I won’t have them hurt again.’
Paul put down his cup and leaned in close to Sarah. ‘I meant every word I said. I’m ashamed of myself. Honestly, I am. I saw myself through the children’s eyes today and I didn’t like what I saw. I’ve been a selfish fool.’
‘I won’t argue with that.’ Sarah replied tartly.
They drank their coffees in silence for a few more minutes.
‘I’ve been thinking. What if I came home once a fortnight for the weekend? I could get the flight home after work on Friday and spend all day Saturday and Sunday with the children, head back on the red-eye flight on the Monday morning. Would that be ok with you?’
‘That’s fine with me. But don’t promise anything that you can’t follow up on. What about Michelle? How will she feel about you coming to Ireland every other weekend?’
‘What about her?’ Paul replied sharply. ‘She’s not my boss. I can come and go as I please.’
Sarah raised her eyebrows. There was trouble in paradise already by the sounds of it. But no matter what Paul said she reckoned that Michelle was very much wearing the trousers in their relationship. It certainly seemed that way when they met a few weeks previously.
‘You have to tell the children about Michelle and the baby at some point too, Paul. I’m not doing that for you. But I think you should leave it a few more weeks. Let them see you a few more times and then get into a routine before you add this to their plates.’
Paul looked miserable. ‘How do you think they’ll take it?’
‘It’s going to be a really hard thing for them to deal with.’ She said. ‘I should know, it’s pretty horrific for me to get used to and I’m an adult.’
‘I’ve been such an asshole.’ They were both silent for a few moments, the words left hanging in the air.
Sarah looked at Paul and tried to work out if he really meant it and he really did seem to. ‘My solicitor is going to call yours next week. I’ve told him to be fair.’ Paul said to her.
Sarah nodded without saying a word. She wasn’t going to thank Paul for doing the right thing. He had responsibilities and she was grateful he’d finally owned up to them, but that was as far as it went.’
‘How are you fixed with money? Tommy mentioned you had to get rid of the satellite TV.’
‘We’ve had to do some serious cutbacks here. I’m only working the odd shift in the boutique and the money from that barely pays for the groceries. I’ve had to dig into the savings to cover mortgage payments and they are nearly gone now. Why on earth we didn’t save more over the years I’ll never know.’
Paul nodded. ‘We were too busy living the good life I suppose.’
Paul reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He counted out €200.
‘That’s not going to go very far.’ Sarah said bitterly. She hated how she sounded these days. She didn’t want to become the bitter ex-wife always begging for money.
‘I know it’s not much. But it’s all the cash I have on me right now. I’ll not leave you short I promise you. I’ll pay half of all the children’s expenses. But maybe it’s time you got a full-time job too.’ He finished, slyly looking up at Sarah waiting to see her reaction. Michelle had insisted he suggest that.
‘Just like that?’ Sarah shook her head in exasperation. ‘I’ve not been working full-time in almost nine years since we had the children. There’s a recession on, jobs are not that easy to come by. And who will take care of the kids while I’m at work?’
‘I haven’t all the answers.’ Paul snapped at her. ‘I was only suggesting something. You don’t need to be so tetchy!’
‘Tetchy! Are you insane?’ Sarah said her voice rising despite all her good intentions to remain calm and unflappable. ‘I’m worried sick. I’m trying to make money stretch and stretch and you know what, it can only stretch so far before it’s going to snap. Christmas is almost here.’ She stood up and walked to the counter top, picking up the Smyth’s catalogue and throwing it on the table. ‘Take a look through that Paul. Go on.’
Paul picked up the catalogue and flicked through. The children had marked pages with big black markers, circling the items that they wanted from Santa. It was something that they had done ever since they were old enough to hold a crayon in their hand.
‘Right now, I’m frantic about how I can explain to the children that Santa has a smaller budget this year, without ruining Christmas for them! Its Ella’s first Christmas and it should be so special for her. But I’m too busy being stressed out over the fact that she’s growing so fast I need to buy more clothes for her, how can I even think about presents? And you think I’m being tetchy! I’m SO sorry.’
Paul looked shocked, Sarah rarely raised her voice. ‘I’m under pressure too, Sarah.’ Paul threw back at her. ‘Michelle’s pregnant and she’s got this fancy consultant she’s going to. He’s costing a bloody fortune. And our apartment in London is huge rent. It’s not easy for me.’
Sarah could not believe her ears. He was actually looking for sympathy from her. ‘Oh boo hoo to you!’ Sarah said sarcastically. ‘My heart goes out to you. Maybe you should have thought about all of that before you left this life and decided to start another!’
Paul stood up. ‘Maybe it’s time I left.’
‘Leave? You left a long time ago.’ She felt like picking up her coffee cup and smashing it against the side of his head. No court in Ireland would charge her, she was sure of it. Goodness knows she had provocation.
‘He’s not worth it.’ Edward whispered. Sarah looked around; Edward was standing just behind her. She felt instantly more relaxed, his presence always had that effect on her.
She took a deep breath. ‘Look this is getting us nowhere. We need to remain civil for the children’s sake. Let’s do our best for them and try to keep our own feelings to one side.’
Paul nodded, grateful for the olive branch being extended.
‘I’ll pick the kids up at ten tomorrow. Ok?’
‘Fine. We’ll see you then.’
‘And Sarah, whatever is needed for Christmas, just let me know the total and I’ll go halves.’
Sarah’s stomach flipped again. It was all very well Paul saying he’d come up with half of the Christmas expenses, but just how was she supposed to come up with the other half?
Chapter Twenty
‘You and James are quite the schemers, I kinda like it!’ Sarah said as she sipped a gi
n & tonic in her local pub Freddie’s.
‘Listen, as shitty days go, seeing your lying, cheating, good for nothing ex-husband rock up your drive, is right up there with the best of them. I figured you might need a drink by the end of it, so I called James and he happily said he’d babysit. No biggie.’ Ruby explained.
‘No, it is a biggie. I’m so grateful I have you in my corner now, Rubes.’ Sarah said sincerely.
‘We were both to blame for losing touch, but listen, best friends are hard to find and when you do get a good one, they are even harder to lose, so I guess we’re always going to be here for each other, ok?’
Raising their glasses, they clinked them together in a silent toast.
‘Did you see Paul’s face when James walked in?’ Ruby said suddenly laughing again. ‘Fecking weasel nearly passed out!’
‘I’m just relieved James behaved himself. I thought they were going to come to blows!’ Sarah admitted.
‘I think if Paul had said one word to him, he would have given James the excuse he needed to let fly! He was wise to leg it when he did!’
‘They’ve always had a tetchy relationship.’ Sarah admitted. ‘Paul has always been jealous of how close I am to James.’
‘Imagine being jealous of a twin brother! Honestly Sarah, the more you tell me, the more I feel like giving him a slap myself!’
Seeing Sarah giggling again was good. Ruby had been very worried about her. She just looked so sad and dejected lately.
‘Right, truthfully now, how are you doing? I’ve been thinking I need to stage an intervention.’ Ruby said, half seriously, half joking.
‘Dr Phil style?’ Sarah giggled. They had both spent many a happy Saturday morning, lying on the couch watching Dr Phil dole out his wisdom to unhappy Americans, mimicking his southern drawl.
‘And so how’s that workin’ for you?’ Ruby said in her best Dr Phil drawl to which they both started giggling again.
The Life You Left Page 17