Ryan's Place

by Sherryl Woods

  Maggie sat up a little straighter. “Father Francis called? What did he want?”

  “He said Ryan was going to try to see his brother at ten this morning. He seemed to think you’d be interested in that, that you might want to be there.”

  “No way,” Maggie said fiercely. “I am not going to help him do this, not when he’s doing it for all the wrong reasons.”

  “What reasons are those?” her mother asked.

  “The stupid idiot thinks I’m worried about his genes,” Maggie grumbled. “Can you imagine anything more ridiculous? I don’t give two figs about that.”

  “Aren’t you assuming it’s all about you?” her mother asked mildly. “And isn’t that a bit presumptuous?”

  “I’m not assuming anything. That’s what Ryan said. He said he needed to know if everyone was okay, if there were any medical skeletons in the closet, before he could contemplate a future with me.”

  Her mother gave her a pitying look. “And you took that at face value?”

  “He said it, didn’t he?” Maggie replied defensively, even as her conviction began to waver.

  “Have you considered for an instant that maybe that’s the only way he can let himself think?” she asked Maggie. “If he lets himself be vulnerable, if he lets himself envision being reunited with his family, what happens if he’s rejected again?”

  She let that image sink in before she continued. “Can you imagine what it must have been like for him to be abandoned when he was only nine? It was devastating enough to shape the rest of his life. Can’t you remember how skittish he was just being in the same room with all of us, as if being around a big family scared him to death? It’s only because of your persistence that he’s let the walls around his heart come down at all.”

  As she listened to her mother’s interpretation, shame flooded through Maggie. How could she not have seen that, when her mother had grasped it at once? Of course, that was it. This was a way for Ryan to cover emotions far too fragile for him to deal with.

  “Go with him this morning,” her mother encouraged. “Don’t let him do this alone. Be there for him no matter how it turns out. He’s taking a first step, Maggie. And he may say he’s only doing it for you and for all sorts of practical reasons, but he’s doing it for himself, as well. Whether he admits it or not, there has to have been an empty place inside him all these years. He’s about to reach out and try to mend at least some of the hurt. That must be a very scary thing to a man whose heart’s been broken the way his has been. Some people never truly recover from deep childhood hurts.”

  “You’re right,” Maggie said. “I’m the one who’s been an idiot. What time did Father Francis say he was going over there? Can I still make it?”

  “He said Ryan had left a message saying he’d be there at ten. Here’s the address. You should have just enough time, if you hurry.” She smiled. “He’s a good man, Maggie.”

  “I know that. I think I was just expecting him to be a saint.” She recalled what Ryan had said to her the night they’d first met, that he wasn’t the man Father Francis was likely to make him out to be. If only she’d listened then, perhaps her expectations wouldn’t have been so unreasonable.

  Ryan had so many qualms about going through with this meeting that he’d almost turned right around and driven back home a half dozen times. It was the prospect of facing Father Francis’s disappointment—and Maggie’s, assuming she ever started speaking to him again—that kept him going until he reached the street on which Sean’s apartment was located.

  It was in an older neighborhood, where brownstones had been converted into multifamily dwellings. It wasn’t exactly shabby, but it wasn’t an area that had been gentrified either. Even so, it was head and shoulders above the neighborhood they’d lived in as kids.

  He spotted Sean’s building, drove around the block, then found a parking space just down the street. But once he’d cut the engine, he couldn’t seem to make himself leave the car.

  Suddenly he was awash in memories.

  Because they’d been the oldest, barely two years apart, he and Sean had been best friends. Sean had been his shadow from the moment he learned to walk. He’d even insisted Ryan walk with him on his first day of school, rather than their mother, because he hadn’t wanted to look like a baby. They’d played baseball together at the small park down the street. Ryan had taught him to ride the secondhand bike he’d managed to buy from a church thrift store with the pocket change he’d earned by helping elderly neighbors carry their groceries or wash their cars.

  None of that had changed when Michael came along. Ryan and Sean had welcomed their new brother, waiting impatiently until he was old enough to go with them everywhere. They were brothers, and that’s what brothers did.

  But when the twins were born, everything changed. They were fussier babies, and the mere fact that there were two of them in a an increasingly crowded apartment added to the tension. Tempers flared more often. Ryan couldn’t count the number of evenings he and Sean had fled from the apartment in tears because of the shouting between his parents. Michael, too little to follow, had huddled in his bed and cried just as hard as the babies.

  In retrospect, he probably shouldn’t have been surprised when their family collapsed under the weight of all that stress. But coming home after school to an empty apartment, standing inside the deserted rooms with Sean’s hand tucked in his, had been a shock.

  They’d been there only moments when the neighbor caring for Michael came in with him in tow, her face pale and tears welling up in her eyes. She’d still been trying to explain that their parents had disappeared with the twins when the social worker arrived to take over.

  They’d gone to an emergency foster care home together that first night. Michael had finally cried himself out and fallen asleep, but Ryan and Sean had huddled together in bed, whispering, trying to make sense of what had happened, trying desperately not to be afraid.

  They hadn’t been allowed to go back to their old school, which was across town. Instead, while the social worker tried to locate their parents, they had waited, terrified to ask what would happen if their parents weren’t found.

  The memory of what happened next was burned forever into Ryan’s brain. The social worker had lined them all up on the sofa in the foster family’s living room and explained that for now they were going to be wards of the state, that they would be going to new families who would care for them until all the legal issues could be resolved.

  Ryan had faced her defiantly. “We’re staying together, though, right?”

  “I’m sorry,” she said with sympathy, “but no. We don’t have a home that can take all three of you.”

  Sean had stood up then, his arms across his chest. “Then I’m not going,” he said. “I want to be with my brothers.”

  “Me, too,” Michael had whispered, his eyes filling with tears, his hand tucked in Ryan’s.

  “I wish that were possible,” she replied, her gaze on Ryan. “It will be okay. We’ll look for a place where you can stay together, but it may not be for a while.”

  Ryan had heard the finality in her tone and known it was useless to argue. Still, with Sean’s gaze on him, he’d felt as if he had to try. “You don’t understand. Sean and me need to look out for Michael. He’s still little and he’s our responsibility.” It was a lesson that had been ingrained in them from the first time their brother had left the house with them to play. They were to protect him against any eventuality, but they’d never envisioned anything like this.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “Sean and Michael will be coming with me now. You’ll stay here tonight. I’ll have a new family ready for you tomorrow.” She’d turned to his brothers and spoken briskly. “Get your things, boys.”

  “No,” Sean said, still defiant.

  Ryan had looked into the woman’s unrelenting gaze and known it was over. “You don’t have a choice, Sean,” he’d said, defeated. “We have to do what she says.”

  Ryan woul
d never forget the look of betrayal in Sean’s eyes as he left. Ryan had watched through the living room window as they drove away, but Sean had never looked back. All of his attention had been focused on Michael, who was sobbing his eyes out.

  Ryan hadn’t cried that night or the next, when he’d been transferred to his first official foster home. For weeks he’d asked about his brothers, but the replies had been evasive, and eventually he’d given up. Even at nine he’d known that he was no match for a system run by adults. He’d fought back the only way he knew how—by stirring up trouble everywhere he went.

  It had been a childish form of retaliation against people who’d only wanted to help. He could see that now, but back then it had become a way of life, his only way of lashing back.

  Now, staring up at Sean’s apartment, he sighed. How could Sean possibly forgive him when he couldn’t forgive himself for not finding his brothers years ago, for not reuniting them? It didn’t matter that he’d only been nine. As the years passed, he could have found a way.

  Maybe Sean hadn’t forgiven him. Maybe the reason Sean had passed along his address was simply because he wanted an opportunity to vent years of pent-up rage. Ryan thought he might even welcome such a reaction. It couldn’t possibly be worse than the anger he’d directed inward all these years.

  There was only one way to find out how Sean felt, though. He had to cross the street, walk up the stairs and knock on his door. And he’d do just that…any minute now.

  Maggie clutched the address of the apartment across town where Ryan was going to meet his brother. She drove there with her heart in her throat. When she found the block, even though it was after ten o’clock, she spotted Ryan sitting in his car, his shoulders slumped, his gaze locked on the building where his brother lived.

  She crossed the street and tapped on his window. “Want some company?”

  He rolled the window down, even as he shook his head. “Too late.”

  “You’ve already seen him?”

  “Nope. I’ve decided this is a bad idea.”

  Maggie walked around to the passenger side and slid in. “You’ll never forgive yourself if you get this close and don’t follow through.”

  “I’m used to it. There are a lot of things I’ve never forgiven myself for.”

  “Such as?”

  “I should have stopped them from leaving.”

  “Who? Your parents?” she asked incredulously. “You think you could have changed their minds?”

  “I should have tried.”

  “Did you even know what they were planning?”

  “No.”

  “Well then, how were you supposed to stop it?”

  “I was the oldest. I should have figured out what was going on.”

  “You were nine!”

  He turned a bleak expression on her. “What if Sean can’t forgive me?”

  “First you have to give him a chance. If he doesn’t, then at least you’ve tried.”

  He studied her face, then finally drew in a ragged breath, and nodded. “Okay, let’s do it.”

  The walk up that sidewalk and into the building was the longest Maggie had ever taken, because Ryan’s tension was palpable. When he knocked on the door, it was opened by a man who was almost his spitting image. His hair was shorter. He didn’t have the scar on his mouth. But there was no mistaking the fact that these two men were brothers.

  Maggie held her breath as they stared at each other, sizing each other up, maintaining a reserve that no brothers should ever feel.

  “Sean?”

  The younger man nodded.

  Ryan swallowed hard, then said in a voice barely above a whisper. “I’m Ryan. Your brother.”

  For what seemed like an eternity, Sean didn’t reply, but finally, when Maggie was about to give up hope, he opened his arms. “Ah, man, what the hell took you so long?”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ryan clung to his brother, fighting tears of relief and surprising joy. Never in a million years had he expected to feel this way. He’d anticipated looking into the face of a stranger, feeling no more than a faint twinge of recognition perhaps. Instead, it was as if they’d never been apart, as if on some level the deep connection between them as children had never been broken.

  Finally Ryan stood back and surveyed his brother, noting that Sean’s hair was shorter but still had a defiant tendency to curl, just as his did. The eyes were the same as well, though perhaps the blue was a shade deeper.

  “I guess you’ve never been in my pub after all,” he said at last. “I’d have known you anywhere. You look like Dad.”

  “I look like you,” Sean said, making no attempt at all to hide his bitterness at the mention of their father. “Come on in. The place isn’t fancy, but it’s clean—though only because I’ve been straightening up ever since I got your message last night.” He shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep.”

  Ryan grinned. “I didn’t get much myself.”

  “That must be why you’ve been sitting out there in your car for the past half hour,” Sean said with a touch of wit as wry as Ryan’s. “Did you fall asleep?”

  “You knew I was there?” Ryan asked, startled.

  “I’ve been watching out the window all morning. I saw you drive up.”

  “Why didn’t you come out?”

  “Stubbornness mainly,” Sean admitted. “I was still mad at you.”

  “Past tense?” Ryan asked.

  Sean turned his gaze to Maggie, then said, “Only if you introduce me to this beautiful woman who’s been waiting patiently for you to remember her.”

  Ryan reached out and clasped Maggie’s hand, pulling her forward. “Sean, this is Maggie O’Brien. She’s the reason I’m here.”

  Sean started to shake her hand, then pulled her into a hug instead. “Thank you. I owe you for turning up and getting him out of that car.”

  “It went beyond that,” Ryan told him. “But, yes, she did persuade me I’d come too far to turn back this morning.”

  “I’m so glad it worked out,” Maggie said, swiping at a tear tracking down her cheek. “I should let you two spend some time alone. You have a lot of catching up to do.”

  “No,” Ryan said at once. “Please stay.” He wanted her there as a buffer…and because she deserved to be a part of this reunion.

  She glanced from him to Sean. “Is that okay with you?”

  “Absolutely. I’ve made a huge pot of coffee. And I bought a pecan coffee cake from the bakery down the street,” he said.

  Ryan felt a sharp stab of pain. “Pecan coffee cake was Mom’s favorite,” he said, suddenly remembering.

  Sean nodded. “She baked one for every special occasion—our birthdays, Christmas morning, Easter.”

  Ryan sighed. “You still think about that, too?”

  “I guess so. I’ve been buying coffee cakes all these years.”

  He led the way into the kitchen, then handed a knife to Ryan. “You cut the cake. I’ll pour the coffee. Maggie, have a seat.”

  For the next hour Ryan and Sean exchanged news about their lives. When Ryan described his pub, Sean glanced at Maggie. “And that’s where the two of you met?”

  She nodded and told about her flat tire on Thanksgiving.

  “Now she’s trying to take over the place and run my life,” Ryan said.

  Sean laughed. “You don’t sound as if you object all that strenuously.”

  “I’m getting used to the idea,” Ryan admitted, giving her hand a squeeze.

  “On that note I think I really will leave,” Maggie said. “You two stay right here. I can find my way out.”

  Ryan’s gaze caught hers. “Will you be at the pub later?”

  Maggie smiled. “Of course. Haven’t you just said I’m taking over? Guess that means I can finally start fiddling with your financial records.”

  “Don’t even think about it,” Ryan said with feigned ferocity.

  “You don’t scare me,” she retorted over her shoulder.

  “Hey
, Maggie,” he called. When she stepped back into the kitchen, he met her gaze. “I’m glad you came this morning.”

  “Any time you need me, chances are I’ll be around somewhere.”

  After she’d gone, Ryan saw his brother studying him.

  “So, this thing with you and Maggie is serious?” Sean asked.

  “As serious as I’ve ever allowed any relationship to be. I love her.”

  “Marriage?”

  “It’s looking that way,” he admitted.

  “I’m really glad for you. She seems like a great woman.”

  “You have no idea,” Ryan said. “What about you? Anybody serious in your life?”

  “Afraid not. I have issues, according to the women I’ve dated.”

  Ryan laughed. “Yeah, join the club. Maggie didn’t seem to care. She badgered me until the issues didn’t seem so damned important anymore. You’ll find someone like that one of these days. Start dropping by the pub. I’ve got some regulars there who’d probably swoon at the sight of you.”

  “I’m not interested in your rejects,” Sean retorted, grinning. “I can find my own women. I just can’t keep ’em.” His expression suddenly sobered. “Have you ever looked for the others?”

  “Not until now. You?”

  Sean shook his head. “I didn’t think I ever wanted to see any of you again till I heard your voice. Michael’s the one I really wonder about. He was so scared the last time I saw him, and he couldn’t stop crying. He kept trying to run back to me, but they wouldn’t let him. It’s an image I’ve never been able to shake. All these years I kept praying that he adapted, maybe even ended up with an adoptive family. He was still so little, I told myself that he’d forget all about us. Do you think he did?”

  “I try not to think about it,” Ryan said tightly.

  “Maybe we should think about it,” Sean said. “I know how I’ve felt all this time, as if I was waiting and waiting for someone to come looking for me and pretending it didn’t matter when no one did.”

  Ryan was filled with that familiar sense of overwhelming guilt. “I’m sorry, Sean. It should have been me. I should have looked a long time ago.”