Holding On

by Karen Stivali

  “Good. You should still go.” Daniel’s heart was beating so loud he could barely concentrate.

  Marienne stepped between them and put her hand on Daniel’s arm. “You’re being ridiculous,” she said.

  “Am I?’ he asked, staring straight into Bob’s annoyingly pale eyes.

  “No,” Bob said. “You’re right. I should go.” He backed up, grabbing his keys off the kitchen counter.

  Daniel stalked after him toward the front door, trying to resist the urge to slam him into the wall.

  Bob stepped onto the deck. “Katie, come on. Time to go.”

  Katie ran over to their car. “Daddy, can I stay longer?”

  “No, honey, we need to get going. Say goodbye to Ella.” Bob looked at Daniel. “I’m sorry.” He walked down the porch steps and climbed into his car.

  Ella waved and continued drawing on the driveway. “Do I have to come in yet?”

  “No,” Daniel said. “Just stay on the driveway. Don’t go near the street.”

  “Okay, Daddy.” She went back to her chalk while Bob’s car pulled out and drove away.

  Daniel turned to find Marienne glaring at him, arms crossed in front of her, hip defiantly jutting to one side. “What is wrong with you?”

  “What’s wrong with me?” I can’t believe this. “I come home and find you standing in my kitchen hugging bloody fucking Bob, and you’re asking what’s wrong with me?” His nostrils flared with indignation. He was wishing he had punched Bob when he’d had the chance. He turned and stormed up the stairs.

  Marienne scurried up the staircase after him, following him into their bedroom.

  He stopped and whirled around to face her. She almost crashed into him. Her mouth was still set in defiance.

  “Why don’t you see it?” he asked.

  “See what?” Her brow furrowed atop her narrowed eyes.

  “The way he is with you. The way he looks at you. He’s in bloody love with you.” The words hurt as they came out. What if she does see it? What if she likes it?

  “That’s crazy. He’s not in love with me. He’s a friend.”

  “I think I know Bob a bit better than you in this regard. He’s wanted you since you first met him. Trust me. I know what that feels like.” It stung to admit that, to remember what it had felt like to be in love with Marienne when she belonged to someone else. He’s a friend. Well I used to be just a friend too. Anger and fear boiled up inside him, rising in his throat.

  “You’re wrong.” Marienne shook her head.

  “I’m not. He’s been waiting for ages to make his move. I guess I’m lucky I came home when I did.”

  “Oh, thank you. That shows a lot about how much faith you have in me. What do you think? That if you hadn’t walked in and done your Neanderthal routine I’d have let him have his way with me?” Her eyes were so round they looked cartoonish.

  She’s actually mad. At me. Unreal.

  “Would you?” He knew he shouldn’t have said it, but it came out anyway.

  She let out a frustrated scream. “No, you idiot. I wouldn’t. How can you even ask me that?” This time she turned and stormed out of the room. She spun around when she reached the top of the stairs. “And for your information the reason I was hugging Bob is that his mother had a heart attack this morning. I’m sure your tantrum was just the perfect end to his day.”

  Daniel sucked in his breath and closed his eyes. He listened to her angry footsteps as she stomped down the stairs. He slumped onto the bed feeling completely deflated. Bloody fucking hell.

  ****

  Anger percolated in Marienne’s veins. She opened the front door and yelled out to Ella. “Get inside.” She slammed the front door, feeling guilty that she’d yelled at Ella when it was Daniel who was making her furious.

  She was amazed that Drew had slept through everything that had happened. The Wiggles DVD still played on the TV—they must have drowned out all the arguing. She went into the kitchen and started to prepare dinner. Cooking was the last thing she felt like doing. She wanted to go back upstairs and shake Daniel. What is he thinking? She slammed a frying pan down onto the stovetop much harder than she’d intended. Drew began to cry.

  “Dammit.” She closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe. She walked into the family room and picked him up. He looked up at her with big weepy eyes. Daniel’s eyes. All the anger drained out of her. She held Drew close and kissed his sleep-scented head. “It’s okay, sweetie. Everything’s okay.” He wrapped his pudgy arm around her as if he knew she needed to be hugged back. “You hungry?”

  Drew nodded, his silky hair rubbing up and down against her neck.

  “You can have some cheerios while Mommy makes dinner.” She heard Ella come in through the garage door as she set Drew down in his high chair. “Shoes off, sweetie.”

  Marienne put a pot of water up to boil and made a quick marinara sauce.

  “Aren’t you and Daddy going to eat?” Ella asked, slurping spaghetti into her mouth.

  “We’ll eat later, sweetie. Daddy’s got a headache right now.” She bet he actually did. He’d been so tense lately she imagined he had a headache more often than he didn’t. That still doesn’t excuse his behavior today. She replayed his homecoming in her mind. She’d never seen him so angry, his eyes blazing. His shoulders so tense he looked like he might snap in two. She’d thought for sure he was going to attack Bob.

  Why can’t you see it? His words echoed in her head. See what? Could he be right? Is Bob playing me? Clearly Daniel was mistaken about today. Bob was legitimately upset about his mom—that hug had been for condolence, nothing more. But what about other times? She’d been so glad to have a friend she hadn’t really been on the lookout for signs that he might think of her as more than that. She did catch him watching her at times. And he did hold her a second longer than he should when they’d hug goodbye.

  Oh God. I’m such a fool.

  She kept listening for the sound of Daniel’s footsteps on the stairs but they didn’t come. Ella and Drew finished eating and Marienne cleaned up. I can’t believe he hasn’t come down yet. Is he that mad? Well I’m mad too. He’s the one who acted like a jerk. He’s jealous over nothing. I’ve never thought of Bob that way.

  Marienne got the kids settled in with a movie and decided to go upstairs. She was ready to forgive Daniel. And to apologize. She wanted to tell him he had nothing to worry about, that Bob could never be a threat to him, that she loved him.

  She walked into their room with all those thoughts in her head. Then she saw him packing a suitcase. She felt the blood drain out of her face.

  Oh my God. He’s leaving me.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Daniel zipped his suitcase shut, wishing he didn’t have to go. He was about to speak but Marienne beat him to it.

  “What are you doing?” she asked. Her voice had the same tone it had when she’d asked what was wrong with him.

  “I have to catch a flight in an hour and a half. I was going to tell you when I got home, but you were otherwise engaged.” The image of Bob’s arms around her flashed into his mind along with the accompanying anger and embarrassment.

  “So you were just going to leave? You couldn’t come downstairs and tell me? Like a grown up?”

  “No, I suppose I couldn’t. I was busy packing and forming an elaborate plan for the next way I can make a complete ass of myself.” He’d meant that to be the start of an apology but Marienne didn’t seem to be listening to him.

  “Is Justine going to be there this weekend?” The accusatory tone was even more pronounced.

  Not this again. “Yes, I suppose she will.”

  “Well that’s perfect. You’re off to spend a weekend with your ex-wife but I’m not even allowed to talk to other men?”

  Daniel could feel his blood pressure rising. Why is she being such a bitch? “I’m going to LA because I have to. You spend time with Bob entirely by choice.”

  “So you’re comparing your relationship with Justine
to my relationship with Bob?”

  “No, actually, you’re the one who made the comparison. I was pointing out how they’re not the same. Frankly I don’t even understand why we’re discussing Justine at all. She has nothing to do with anything. I thought we’d moved past this.”

  “It’s hard to move past something that keeps popping up.”

  Daniel took a deep breath. “If I don’t leave I’m going to miss my flight, and I need to be in LA by morning, I’d rather not be fighting when I go.” He looked at her, hoping to see some sign of concession.

  “You should get going then.” Her eyes were flat.

  His insides crumbled. “I’ll go say goodbye to the kids.”

  “Fine.” Her arms were locked around her body. She stepped aside to let him pass. He paused, wanting to drop his suitcase and sweep her into his arms, but he didn’t. He wasn’t sure she’d want him to and he couldn’t handle the idea of being rebuffed.

  His head pounded.

  He set his suitcase by the front door and walked into the family room. Ella and Drew snuggled on the couch, watching Mulan.

  “I have to go on a little trip,” he said, crouching down in front of them. “Not for long, I’ll be back in three days. You be good for Mum, okay?” He kissed Drew’s head then looked at Ella. She looked pensive and teary. He wondered if she hadn’t picked up on the fact that he and Marienne were arguing, which made him feel even worse than he already did. I don’t want to leave. “It’s okay, sweet girl.” He ran his hand down her hair and she threw her arms around him. He needed the hug more than he’d realized. She held him tight. Daniel closed his eyes and kissed the side of her head. “Be a good girl, okay? Look after your mum and brother for me? I’ll bring you back a surprise. I promise.”

  “Okay Daddy.” She sniffled. He kissed her again then walked back to the front door.

  Marienne still had her arms tightly folded across her chest.

  “I’ll be back late Sunday night. The hotel is the same as last time. All the information is on my computer. It was all emailed to me this morning.”

  She nodded. He hated to leave things like this. He reached out and touched her shoulder, but she jerked away. She’d never pulled away from his touch before. She might as well have punched him in the stomach. It knocked the breath out him.

  “Okay then.” He took his keys out of his pocket. He looked into her eyes one last time. They were dark and defiant. “See you Sunday.”

  ****

  Marienne watched as he strode to his car. She felt like time was moving in slow motion. The sound of him starting his car made tears well up in her eyes. Don’t go. She opened the door to call after him but it was too late, he’d already pulled onto the street. He couldn’t see her.

  She walked into his office and grabbed the phone, dialing his cell. Come on, pick up. It rang and rang, then went to voicemail. He must not have a signal. She dialed it again, pacing around as it rang. Again it rang and rang. As she walked into the hallway, she heard a noise from upstairs. Oh no. She dialed the number once more as she headed upstairs. It began to ring just as she entered their room and sure enough, muffled by the comforter, there was Daniel’s phone.

  Shit.

  ****

  Daniel barely made it to the gate in time. He struggled his bag through the crowded plane until he found his seat. He took his book and his laptop out of his carry-on bag then shoved it in the overhead compartment.

  A stewardess walked down the aisle, touching the backs of the seats as she went.

  Daniel reached into his pocket to get his cell phone. He wanted to tell Marienne he was sorry for the way he’d left. He wanted to hear her voice. He patted one pocket, then the other, then reached into his jacket. Dammit. He remembered putting the phone next to his suitcase just as Marienne had come into the bedroom. He’d never picked it back up.

  “Excuse me,” he said as the stewardess passed. “Is it possible to make an in-flight call? I seem to have left my phone at home.”

  “I’m sorry, sir.” She shook her head. “The phone service has been interrupted while they upgrade. I’m afraid only emergency calls are allowed. Is it an emergency?”

  He considered saying yes. “No, it’s not.”

  “Sorry.” She smiled as she headed down the aisle.

  Daniel slumped back into his seat. He wanted to get off the plane and head home. He wished the whole day had never happened. All he could see was the hurt, distant look in Marienne’s eyes. She was angry and disappointed in him. He felt like a complete prat.

  By the time he made it to his hotel room in LA, it was almost four in the morning back home. He didn’t want to call and wake the kids. He opened his laptop, hoping Marienne would check her email first thing when she woke up.

  Dear Marienne,

  I’m a complete idiot. I thought about prefacing that thought with some other statements but it’s too true to not be my opening remark. I’m sorry for being such an arrogant ass, and I’m even more sorry for how we left things earlier. I tried to call you but, being the aforementioned complete idiot that I am, I left my cell phone at home. I wish I’d left myself at home, because there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be. I miss you already and I’ve only just gotten here. I think I have meetings back to back all day tomorrow, but I will try to call you if I have even a spare moment. I want to hear your voice and I want to tell you how much I love you. Kiss the kids for me.

  All my love, always—

  Daniel

  He hit send then sprawled on the bed. He was exhausted and he had to be up in six hours.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  The alarm went off much sooner than Daniel wanted. He awoke, arm over his head and half asleep, belt buckle digging into his stomach. He shook his arm to wake it, slapping his hand down on the clock until it stopped screeching.

  He fumbled for the phone and dialed nine for an outside line. His house phone rang five times then went to voice mail. Ten o’clock Saturday. Ella’s at ballet. So is Katie. So is Bob. His stomach churned. He hung up and dialed Marienne’s cell, knowing she can never hear it in the crowded parent room at the dance studio. He left her a message. “I hope you checked your email this morning, if not please read it as soon as you get home. I’ll try to call you later today. I love you. And I’m sorry.”

  He hung up, feeling drained already. He checked his email and found a message from Marienne. He opened it immediately.

  Daniel,

  I tried to call you the minute you left yesterday, but you left your cell phone at home. I actually considered driving to the airport to try to catch you before you left. I can’t believe I let you go without hugging you goodbye. I’m sorry, about everything—I wish I could take the whole day back. This weekend is going to feel like forever. Come home safe.

  I love you.

  Marienne

  He was glad to see the words ‘I love you’ but it was clear she hadn’t read his email yet. He wanted to talk to her. The hotel phone rang, and he grabbed it, hoping it was Marienne. Instead the desk clerk told him the car was there to pick him up.

  Perfect. I’m not even showered.

  He asked her to tell the driver to please wait then he rushed into the bathroom to take the quickest possible shower.

  ****

  Marienne barely slept, hoping Daniel would call when he got into his hotel. He was probably too mad to even speak with her. She’d called the airline to check and make sure his flight had arrived safely, relieved to know that he’d gotten there in one piece. She hoped he’d read her email before he went to bed. She hated thinking about him going to sleep angry.

  Ella woke her, asking where her ballet bag was. She checked the clock and realized they were going to be late to class. Shit. She found Ella’s bag, quickly changed Drew’s diaper and got him dressed, and gave them each a Pop Tart and a juice box for the ride.

  Mother of the year.

  By the time they got to the studio, Drew was back asleep. Marienne caught a glimpse of her
self in the car window as she took Drew out of his car seat. Oh God. She still had mascara circles under her eyes from crying half the night. She rubbed at them, succeeding in making them not only grey, but puffy too. Fantastic.

  “Mommy,” Ella said, “we’re going to be late.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m coming.”

  Marienne rushed into the dance studio, trying not to jostle the stroller enough to wake Drew.

  “Mommy, it’s starting.”

  She reached down and helped Ella struggle out of her pink coat. “Okay, you’re all set. Have a good class, sweetheart.”

  She watched as Ella scooted into the room and took her spot at the bar. All the seats by the glass window were full and assorted siblings were busy playing on every other chair. Marienne needed to sit down, her head was spinning.

  She leaned over and tapped the shoulder of a mom she recognized from Ella’s class. “Hi, I’m going to head down to one of the other rooms, I have to make a few calls. If you notice Ella looking for me, could you tell her I’m just down the hall.”

  “Sure.” The woman smiled.

  Marienne glanced through the window at Ella. She was stretching, one arm arched above her head. Katie was at the bar right beside her. Two peas in a pod. Always together.

  Marienne glanced around but didn’t see Bob. She wondered if Katie had gotten a ride with someone.

  She made her way down the hallway. The senior yoga class was meeting in Studio B, but Studio C was quiet. The lights weren’t even on. She pushed the stroller inside, and flopped into one of the chairs by the door. She dialed her home number and it rang and rang. Dammit. It picks up after two if there are messages. When it answered, she pushed in her code anyway, just in case. “You have no new messages.” She closed the phone and dropped it in her bag.

  The room was so quiet. She glanced around, all the mobiles were spinning, their ribbon tails dancing in the breeze from the air vents. Marienne relaxed, and then she caught sight of herself in the full wall mirror. Even in the dim light of the room, she could see what a mess she was. Oh God.