The Giving Season

by Rebecca Brock

  “I thought we’d discussed everything this morning, Michael. I thought we’d worked everything out.” Ann’s eyes cut to Jessy’s. “We’re getting back together.”

  “You’re what?” Jessy hated the quaver in her voice but couldn’t hide it, couldn’t control it. She looked to Michael, saw the sudden guilt in his eyes. “Is this true?”

  Ann’s smile widened. “Of course it is, hon. Don’t tell me Michael didn’t mention it to you, as ‘close’ as you two are.”

  Jessy studied Ann for a moment. There was something in the woman’s eyes that no amount of cruelty or anger could hide. She still loved Michael. And she still wanted him. Whether she wanted him because she loved him or because she didn’t want anyone else to have him was still in question.

  Jessy turned to Michael again. “Is that true?”

  Michael shook his head. “No—”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying, Michael. You never do.” Ann took a deep breath and fixed her gaze on Michael, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge Jessy’s presence. “It comes down to this, babe. Either she leaves, or I do—and you know I’ll take the kids with me.”

  “That can be changed.”

  For an eternally long moment they stood locked in silence, Ann’s smile twisting smugly.

  “You wouldn’t do that,” Michael whispered.

  “Oh, yes.” Ann’s eyes were as cold as the wind that rattled through the rafters of the house. “Yes, I would. In a heartbeat. I want my family back, Michael.”

  Jessy suddenly couldn’t breathe. She took a step back, feeling as if someone had punched her in the gut. She had to leave. She had to go right now. Even though she knew she was leaving Michael to Ann’s manipulations, she couldn’t bear the thought of Michael losing custody of his children because of her.

  Suddenly any pretense of strength, of courage, fled. Without a word she walked out of the room.

  Jessy carefully folded the last blouse and tucked it into her suitcase, hesitating for a moment as she realized how final everything suddenly seemed. She was actually going to leave. It didn’t seem real.

  But she had to go.

  She heard footsteps in the hall and stiffened, listening. The sounds stopped at her doorway, and Jessy could almost see Michael hesitating on the other side, one hand raised and ready to rap against the door.

  A half-second later, he knocked.

  “It’s open,” she said quietly, almost unable to work up the energy to speak. She felt wrung out, exhausted after the highs and lows of what had seemed to be an unending day.

  The door opened and Michael stepped into the room, frowning at the sight of the open suitcase. “What are you doing?”

  “What I should have done before,” she said softly, the snap of the suitcase latches punctuating her words.

  “You’re actually leaving?”

  Jessy met his gaze, her eyes unwavering. “Yes.”

  “If it’s because of what Ann said—”

  “It’s not just that. It’s—” Jessy caught herself before her emotions got the best of her, closing her eyes for a moment as she calmed down. “I think it would be best for everyone involved if I just—go.”

  “Of all the—” Michael smiled faintly, shaking his head in disbelief. His smile quickly faded when he saw the tenseness drawing down the corners of Jessy’s mouth, the sadness in her eyes. “You’re really going, aren’t you?”

  Jessy nodded, but said nothing. Her eyes stung, her throat burned, as she fought back useless tears.

  “I thought we worked everything out—”

  “Nothing’s worked out,” Jessy said bitterly.

  “Is this what you really want, Jess?”

  “Of course not!” Jessy’s voice rose slightly, shaky with an anger that felt directionless, helpless.

  “Then why do you think you have to leave?”

  Jessy’s gaze faltered a moment. She looked away from his eyes, lowering her head as she took a deep breath and sighed.

  “I am not going to be the reason those kids are taken away from everything they love,” she said quietly, meeting his eyes once more. “I don’t want you to lose them.”

  “We had this discussion before—”

  “And that was before Ann started flinging threats around.”

  “She doesn’t mean anything by it.”

  “It didn’t sound that way to me. I believed her—and I think you did too. Didn’t you?”

  Michael fell silent for a moment, shaking his head as he turned back to the door. He took a step, hesitated, and then looked to Jessy once again.

  “Ann realizes that the kids are better off with me,” he finally said, his voice low and controlled.

  “I know that.”

  Jessy faltered, taken aback by the quiet acceptance in his voice.

  “No, you don’t.” Michael edged closer to her, not quite daring to reach out to her just yet. “Please, Jess—stay. Until Christmas, at least.”

  Jessy slowly shook her head. “I can’t.”

  The pain in her whispery voice made Michael’s heart catch. He cupped her cheek, gently urging her to look at him again. “Please,” he whispered. “For the kids. For me.”

  Jessy gazed into his eyes for a few long moments, longing to give into him and stay. She didn’t want to leave, couldn’t bear to imagine the rest of her life spent without Michael and his family.

  But she would have to bear it. Ann had drawn blood with her ugly words. How could Jessy expect Michael to fall in love with someone like her? It was a wonderful fantasy, but that’s all it would ever be: a fairy tale. A fairy tale with an unhappy ending.

  “No,” she finally whispered, shaking her head as she lowered her head and slowly pulled away from his touch. “I have to go.”

  Michael’s eyes darkened, brows knitting as he looked at her with a directness that made her uneasy. “Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked softly.

  “It’s never been a question of what I want.”

  Until that moment, Michael hadn’t realized that it was actually possible for a man to feel his heart break, but right then his heart ached for Jessy. He wanted so badly to be able to take her grief away, to make up for all the cruel words she’d heard, to take away all the pain.

  But in the end, he couldn’t. In the end, he had to love her enough to respect her decision, no matter how much it hurt.

  “Okay,” he finally said, nodding as he reached out to touch Jessy’s face again, gently trailing the tip of his thumb over her cheek. “What do you need me to do for you?”

  Jessy couldn’t hide the relief in her eyes, and Michael felt a fresh stab of pain at the thought of letting her go. “Nothing. I’ve got a room in town tonight. My bus leaves at noon—”

  “So soon?” Michael caught himself before he could say anything more and forced himself to nod again, as if the thought of never seeing her again didn’t rip a hole in his heart and soul. “Okay, then,” he said, managing a faint, tight smile. “Tomorrow it is.”

  And then, without thinking about the repercussions, he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against her forehead, lingering only a moment before pulling away and turning toward the door. Every step away from her seemed to resonate in his heart.

  “Michael—?”

  He turned as he reached the door, almost hopeful as he looked at her again.

  Jessy folded her arms tightly over her chest, looking as if she were trying to hold herself together. “You understand why I have to do this, don’t you?”

  Michael studied her for a few moments, slowly shaking his head. “No,” he finally said, voice little more than a whisper. “But it’s your choice to make. You know how I feel.”

  Jessy half-smiled at that, the gesture completely humorless. “That’s part of the problem, isn’t it?”

  Michael took a deep breath, one hand gripping the doorknob. He wasn’t quite able to make himself leave just yet. Not without one last gambit.

  “The kids are going to miss the
hell out of you,” he said quietly.

  “I’ll miss them, too.” Jessy felt her eyes burning again and looked up to the ceiling, fighting the tears away. “Don’t do this, Michael.”

  “Do what?”

  “Don’t try to use the kids.”

  “I’m not—” Michael caught the frustration in his voice and stopped himself. “What am I supposed to tell them tomorrow?” he asked in a more tempered tone. “What do I tell them when they ask where you’re going—or why you’re going?”

  Jessy shook her head, digging a hand through her hair as she turned away from him. “I don’t know.”

  “It’s almost time to put them to bed,” Michael said quietly, opening the door again. “If you want to cancel your cab, I’ll drive you out to town tonight. You might want to spend a little time with the kids—since tomorrow—”

  Michael’s voice trailed away when he realized that Jessy wasn’t going to turn back to him again. With a faint nod he ducked out of the room, closing the door quietly.

  Jessy waited until she heard the click of the latch before she finally allowed herself to cry.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Jessy held out as long as she could. Then the sounds of Ben and Marie’s laughter got the best of her and she peeked out into the hallway, towards the bathroom. Michael stood in the doorway, a towel slung over his shoulder as he refereed a waterfight between Ben and Marie. He smiled, but Jessy could see that it was forced. If he felt half as bad as she felt, smiling was the last thing he felt like doing.

  “Okay,” Michael said and stepped into the bathroom. His voice carried into the hallway. “Now how about trying this again—and using some toothpaste this time?”

  Jessy stepped out of her bedroom, regretting each step she took but helpless to stop herself. Rationally, she knew that helping Michael put the kids to bed would only make things harder for herself. She’d feel like she was being drawn into the family, accepted into their lives, and then tomorrow morning would come and she’d climb onto that bus and feel like she was leaving her heart behind. Time spent with Michael and the kids would only end up hurting her in the long run.

  But she wasn’t listening to rationality. She was listening to the sound of Ben and Marie splashing water at each other as Michael struggled to see that they brushed their teeth. She was listening to the sound of Libby’s muffled laughter as she huddled in her room with the phone. She was listening to the sound of Lyssa’s voice as she sang Christmas songs off-tune and rustled wrapping paper downstairs.

  She was listening to all the things she knew she’d miss once she was on her own again. Was it so wrong for her to want to enjoy them just a little longer?

  Jessy leaned against the door frame, smiling despite herself as she watched Michael kneel down beside Ben and gently wipe toothpaste foam from the boy’s mouth. He did the same for Marie, who immediately burbled out another chinful as she giggled. Laughing, Michael covered her face with the towel and pulled her into a bearhug.

  “You guys have the hygiene of piglets,” he said as he pulled Ben into the embrace, lifting him under one arm and Marie under the other. They immediately began oinking. Jessy laughed and quickly covered her mouth with her hand. She’d hoped to sneak away unnoticed.

  Too late.

  “Hey,” Michael said, grinning as he hefted the kids under his arms and got them giggling again. For a moment, it was as though nothing had happened between them. Jessy was more than willing to leave it at that.

  “Hi,” she said softly, still smiling. “You look like you could use some help.”

  “Always.” He tipped her a quick wink and then looked to Ben and Marie. “You two rugrats ready for bed?”

  “No!” They yelled in unison.

  Michael grinned at Jessy again. “Told you. I need help.”

  “Then maybe I’d better stick around for a while.”

  The words carried more meaning than she’d intended, but Michael let it pass. His smile slanted slightly as he nodded. “Yeah— maybe you’d better.”

  Without saying anything more, Michael turned his attention back to the kids, carrying them down the hall to their bedroom as Jessy followed. Ben and Marie giggled almost deliriously as Michael pretended to lose his grip and drop them.

  “Okay, munchkins—end of the road,” Michael said as he entered their bedroom, depositing Ben on his bed with a bounce.

  “Can I brush your hair?” Marie asked, grabbing a pink plastic brush from her nightstand. “Please, Daddy?”

  Michael glanced to Jessy—who arched an eyebrow and smiled faintly—and then nodded, grinning, to Marie. “Okay, sweetpea. Scooch down.”

  Marie did as told, tucking her feet beneath her flannel gown as Michael sat cross-legged in front of her. She began to gently brush his thick black hair, careful not to pull or tangle. She carefully clipped plastic pink bow-shaped barrettes into his hair, making tiny ponytails that stood at end all over his head. Jessy covered her smile with her hand as Michael patiently endured.

  “Might as well come on in,” Michael said and smiled at Jessy. “You’re making me nervous standing there in the doorway.”

  Jessy’s own smile slid away as she cleared her throat. “I, uh—I really should be getting to bed. I just wanted to say goodnight—“

  “Will you stay and tell us a story?” Ben asked.

  Michael saw the indecision in Jessy’s eyes. She wavered for a moment, then stepped into the bedroom, moving awkwardly as she sat on the edge of Ben’s bed. Ben was immediately hanging onto her shoulders, arms wrapped around her neck.

  “What’s the matter, Jessy?” Marie asked, frowning faintly. “You look sad.”

  Jessy helplessly glanced to Michael, who raised his eyebrows but remained silent. No help there, although it was hard to take him seriously with so many pink bows in his hair.

  “I’m not—sad,” she said, trying an unconvincing smile. “I’m just sleepy. It’s past my bedtime.”

  Ben swung around her shoulders and plopped into her lap. “Do you want Daddy to tell you a bedtime story, too? He’s real good at it.”

  Jessy’s smile softened as she gazed at Ben, and then to Michael and Marie. “I’m sure he is.”

  “Or he can sing to you,” Marie said, leaning against Michael’s back. He reached back to wrap his arms around her and lifted her over his head and onto his legs as she giggled.

  “He sings, too?” Jessy’s gaze held Michael’s a moment longer, her smile growing a little stronger.

  “Yeah,” Marie said and nodded. “But he doesn’t sing real good.”

  “Thanks a lot, chatterbox.” Michael growled and planted a sloppy kiss against Marie’s neck, grinning as she laughed. “Now help me get these bows out of my hair before I get to feeling too pretty.”

  “Are you going to write to Santa Claus?” Ben asked, drawing her attention away from Michael as he and Marie began taking out the barrettes. “Daddy says that if we write a letter to Santa, he might come see us before Christmas.”

  “Wow.” Jessy smiled and widened her eyes. “What are you going to ask Santa to bring you?”

  Ben’s eyes grew solemn. “It’s a secret,” he said quietly, glancing over to Marie, whose expression mirrored her brother’s.

  “But you’re going to tell Santa in your letters, aren’t you?” Jessy asked, quickly smiling at Michael. He ruffled a hand through his previously styled hair and shrugged.

  “Uh-huh—but he can’t tell anybody.”

  “Ah—I see,” Jessy nodded sagely. “What about Rudolph? Can Santa tell him?”

  Ben considered it a moment and then grinned. “Yeah, but only because Rudolph can’t talk and tell anybody else.”

  “Okay, guys,” Michael said, scooting back to lean against the headboard of Marie’s bed. Marie immediately curled up beside him. “Story time. What’s it going to be tonight? Book or made-up?”

  “Made-up!” Marie said and looked up at Jessy. “Come on, Jessy. Sit with me.”

  Ben leapt off Jessy’
s lap and crawled up to nestle beside Michael, so Jessy rose and sat at the foot of Marie’s bed.

  “No,” Marie said impatiently. “Up here.”

  Jessy sighed in mock exasperation, drawing a few giggles from them, and moved to Marie’s side of the bed. “I don’t think there’s enough room for me.”

  “Sure there is,” Michael said, scooping both Ben and Marie onto his outstretched legs. “That’s what laps were invented for.”

  Jessy smiled reluctantly and stretched out beside Michael, their legs touching from hip to ankle. Marie settled comfortably atop their legs as Michael slipped one arm around Ben and the other around Marie and Jessy.

  “No fair,” Jessy murmured.

  Michael grinned. “Who said we were playing fair?”

  Marie twisted to look up at Michael. “Can I play?”

  “No, sweetie.” Michael glanced to Jessy over Marie’s blonde head, his smile quirking slightly. “This is a grown-up game.”

  Ben tugged at Michael’s flannel shirt. “The story, Daddy!”

  “Huh? Oh, right—the story.” Michael smiled to Jessy once more, then gave his attention to the kids again. “Let’s see—once upon a time, in a far-away land, there lived a beautiful girl—”

  “But she was really a princess,” Marie said, smiling dreamily. “A beautiful princess.”

  “But she didn’t know she was a princess,” Michael continued. “She lived in a huge stone castle with her guardian, all alone except for—” His voice trailed away, waiting for Ben or Marie to interject their ideas.

  “A pet dragon,” Ben said, smiling shyly at Jessy. “A baby dragon with wings and feathers.”

  Michael chuckled. “Okay—a baby dragon it is. One day she was sitting at the window of her room and she saw an evil ogre running towards the castle. The ogre liked to frighten her, so before he could scare her again, the princess escaped by braiding her long, long hair and climbing down the castle wall.”

  Marie frowned faintly. “Daddy, that’s from Rapunzel.”

  “Rapunzel was the princess’s cousin,” Jessy said, smiling as she glanced at Michael and then to Marie. “Taught her everything she knows about hair climbing.”