How to Fall in Love Again: Kitty's Story
Page 16
‘Surely you know?’ she whispered.
Angus twisted in the seat to face her, his face ashen. ‘I don’t know anything right now.’ He pushed his thumbs into his eye sockets and sat like that for a minute or so.
‘Have you…’ She swallowed, not sure she wanted the knowledge she was seeking. ‘Have you ever been unfaithful to me?’
‘Yes,’ he replied instantly, nodding, seemingly relieved to have been asked.
And what can you say, Kitty? You did it first, you slept with Theo. This is how it feels…
‘Fucking hell!’ She gasped. ‘With… with men or women?’
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Well, that’s too bad! You don’t get to choose! I need answers!’ She tucked in her lips and bit down hard, cursing the lump in her throat that made her voice strained. ‘How many times have you been unfaithful to me?’
He looked at her, his expression intense. ‘Once, that’s all.’
‘Fucking hell!’ She could only repeat her curse and place her shaking hands between her clamped knees.
Angus took a deep breath and looked skywards.
Kitty’s desire to vomit intensified. ‘With a man?’ She tilted her chin in defiance.
He nodded.
‘Fucking hell.’
‘I wish you’d stop saying that,’ he said with a flicker of disdain.
That was enough to fan her anger to fever pitch. ‘Do you? Well, you know, Angus, there are lots of things that I wish. I wish I had never set eyes on you! I wish you had picked someone else’s life to mess with, and I wish you hadn’t fucked a bloke, how about that?’
‘I know you’re hurt—’
‘You know nothing!’ she yelled. Despite the beat of silence, the air crackled around them. ‘And is that man Thomas?’
‘Yes.’ He nodded and took another deep breath.
‘Oh my God!’ Kitty gripped the arms of the chair and concentrated on not throwing up as the room spun. ‘Did you sleep with him at uni? I remember that girl on your landing, the one with the boobs and hips – Mary…? Maxine! – I remember her being a bit shocked when I told her I was your girlfriend. Was that because you were seeing him then?’
‘No! We were close friends, yes, and Thomas has always been… quite keen.’ He gave a small smile. ‘But it’s only happened once.’
‘When did you sleep with him?’
‘Last year. I was… experimenting, that’s all.’ He looked at the floor.
‘Really? After, what, ten years of friendship, all of a sudden you just fucked each other? How does that even happen?’
‘Christ, Kitty, I don’t know… We were drunk, you and I weren’t getting on. Like I said, it was just the once.’ He glanced up at her. ‘You of all people should know how that goes.’
Kitty chose not to rise to that. She had other questions on her mind. ‘Did you like it?’ she shot back, and then immediately wished she hadn’t.
Angus sighed. ‘Let’s not go there, Kitty. Please.’
She inhaled sharply and had a vivid flashback of her and Theo in bed together. Could that be how Angus felt about Thomas? ‘Do you… do you love him?’ she asked finally, through a mouth contorted with emotion.
‘I love you! I love you and Sophie, you know I do!’ He raised his voice, his fingers now balled into fists.
‘But do you love him?’
‘Yes,’ he mumbled through his tears. ‘Yes, I love him. Christ, it’s so complicated. He’s my friend, but you, you’re my wife!’
‘And it’s not a new thing, this… this wondering if you might be attracted to men, to Thomas, is it?’ Kitty said softly, connecting some of the dots, remembering Ruraigh’s gentle hints.
Angus shook his head.
‘God.’ She shoved her hand over her mouth and gulped her tears. ‘God, Angus, all this time, all the lies. All that crap you gave me about the Anvil only this week! I must be so stupid!’
‘You’re not stupid. I love you, I—’
‘Just don’t. Just don’t say anything else.’
The two fell silent. Kitty’s stomach swirled as if it was in the grip of a mini tornado. A hum was building inside her head; it built and built until all she could hear was an unbearable screeching. Angus started to ramble.
‘I am sorry for any hurt, of course.’ He shook his head again and placed his chin in his palm, as if they were discussing something naughty Sophie had done and were trying to work out a suitable punishment. ‘And I’m sorry for being less than truthful, but—’
‘Shut the fuck up, Angus! Just shut the fuck up!’ she screamed as she stood. Her outburst shocked them both. ‘How can you just sit there and calmly tell me my whole marriage is a bloody joke! You have had sex behind my back with a bloke who you love as a friend! What the hell am I supposed to do with that information? How do I begin to process that? How do I compete?’ She continued to yell, loudly. ‘And you were so benevolent about Theo, oh my God! I could see your halo glowing as you bestowed forgiveness, and all the time you were coercing me into a deal that I knew nothing about! I gave you the option of leaving, calling time on our relationship, but you did this to me when we were married, with Sophie!’
‘You think I like this situation?’ He spoke quietly, forcing her to calm down and listen. ‘I am petrified, utterly petrified of losing you. It was a one-time thing, Kitty, and it won’t happen again. Please, please give me a chance to make it up to you. We are a family, you and me and Soph. No matter how we got here, this is it! Please don’t throw us away. Please!’
He tried to grab her hand, but she shook him off.
‘And I’m shit scared of my parents finding out – they would die, they would cut me off, it would break them! You won’t tell them, will you, Kitty?’ He looked at her with an expression of abject fear.
‘Christ, why would I do that? You think I’m worried about your parents’ reaction? I have enough of my own shit to deal with!’
Kitty ran from the room and raced up the stairs. She managed to reach the bathroom before vomiting into the toilet bowl, ridding her gut of the alcohol she had consumed along with the belief that her future was set and that her marriage was built on a solid foundation of truth. And it tasted horrible.
Moving Home
Kitty finished emptying the downstairs cupboard and swept the dark space. It was as she scooped the sooty dust into the dustpan that she noticed the glint of something, a tiny flash of gold. Her heart leapt and she knew instantly what she’d found – her locket! It had been lost so long ago, she’d entirely given up on ever finding it, assuming it had snapped while she was walking on the heath or swimming in the public pool, and yet there it was.
She picked up the flat gold oval, minus its chain, and wiped it on the front of her T-shirt. Carefully, with her fingernail inside the join, she popped it open and stared at the tiny picture of her and Angus on their wedding day. The opposite side was engraved: To my darling Kitty on our ten-year anniversary. I love you today and every day. Angus X
‘Oh gosh.’ She scanned the words again. With the locket now on the tabletop, she went to the sink, stretched her arms over her head and let the cold tap run a little until it was cool. She took a long glass of water back to the table. Running her fingers over the locket, she thought back to the day he’d given it to her. She placed the little hunk of gold in her palm and pictured herself some twenty years ago, remembering the optimism of her thirty-one-year-old self, who thought she had outrun the storm.
‘It’s so beautiful! Thank you!’ she’d enthused, beaming.
The months immediately after Angus’s confession had been tough. There were tears and rows and further admissions – about secret nights out with Thomas, undeclared memberships of gay clubs, and a crowd of friends she knew nothing about – and all the while they had to put on a good show for Sophie, making sure that she felt as secure and loved as ever. Kitty struggled a lot, confiding in Tizzy but unable to open up to her dad or even her cousins. It took a long tim
e before she could face sleeping with Angus again, and even then she often couldn’t stop herself from picturing him and Thomas together, hating herself for wondering whether he got more pleasure from having sex with Thomas or her.
She opened the locket and gazed at Angus’s face, trying to see whether, with hindsight, she could detect any confusion, any dissemblance back when they got married. But she couldn’t. He looked genuinely happy. And perhaps he had been.
Kitty’s first demand after that horrible night had been that Angus break off all contact with Thomas. He began making more effort to come home earlier and Kitty found him more attentive, more present. There were still moments when he was quiet and she wondered who he was thinking about, whether he was regretting the way things had turned out. But one year on and things between them seemed better than they’d ever been. Soon after that, he’d given her the locket. It had meant the world. A new beginning, in more ways than one. They’d decided to have a child, a sibling for Sophie, a symbol of their renewed togetherness and their commitment to being a family.
The locket represented all of that – the self-delusions, and the joy of new life growing inside her. Like many of the memories she’d unearthed already that day, it was bittersweet. Even so, Kitty was glad she’d found it again.
9
Kitty leant forward on the sofa and whispered so her daughter in the next room wouldn’t hear.
‘Sophie told me today she is looking forward to being a big sister, and all I could think was, pity the poor little one who will have her bossing them around!’
Angus sat back in the chair by the fire and laughed from behind his newspaper. ‘It will make them resilient,’ he replied softly.
‘I guess, but I can’t help but think of me growing up, trying so hard to be part of Ruraigh and Hamish’s gang!’
‘Oh, that’s so sad! You can be in my gang.’ He grinned at her.
‘Thank you.’ She smiled back at him. ‘I spoke to Ruraigh earlier, actually. He and Tizz had a lovely time at Darraghfield, but Tizz said Mum was not so good. Poor Dad, it must be even harder on him now Marjorie has retired.’ She sighed. ‘I wish we could go up more, but it’s so far and I can’t really take Sophie out of school, and you’re so busy at work.’
‘Let’s go up in the holidays, assuming you’re okay to travel.’
‘I will be, Angus. I’m pregnant, not ill.’
He chuckled. ‘You say that now, but I remember with Sophie you got very cranky towards the end.’
‘I was cranky! But I’m enjoying this pregnancy more. I certainly have less worry and it’s probably my last time, so I’m trying to make the most of every second of it.’ She cradled her bump. ‘I spoke to Dad and he said it was wonderful to see Daisy-Belle. I can’t believe she’s one already! He commented on how lovely it was to see big tough Ruraigh completely smitten with his little girl. Mind you, she is scrumptious.’
‘She is and I can’t wait to meet my little one.’
He looked up sharply and she held his gaze, it was an accidental yet obvious reference to the fact that this was his first child when all was said and done. As ever, rather than let the statement turn into a discussion and possibly a row, she ignored it, aware of the eggshells on which she walked.
Kitty arched her back.
‘Back aching?’ Angus asked from over the top of the sports page.
‘A bit.’ She decided not to confess to loving every twinge, every reminder that she was nearly seven months pregnant. Her excitement at the imminent arrival of this baby was almost overwhelming.
‘Can someone help me?’ Sophie called from the dining table.
‘What’s the subject?’ Angus called back.
‘English.’
‘Ah, that’ll be your mum’s department.’ He smiled at her.
‘Oh, cheers!’ Kitty rose slowly from the comfy chair.
‘It’s only fair! I do sciences and maths and you take languages and history, like we agreed. Just think of the money we’re saving by not sending her to Vaizey till upper school. Plus with us doing her prep, she’s still getting the benefit of a Vaizey education but without the expense or having to board.’
‘You sound like your mum. What next, Tupperware in which to store our Tupperware?’ She winked at him and he pulled a face.
‘I want to go to boarding school! I can’t wait!’ Sophie yelled.
‘Well, you’ve still got a while yet – not that we asked you anyway, miss,’ Angus shouted across the room.
Kitty pulled out a chair at the dining table.
Sophie was on a roll. ‘When I go to Vaizey College, Mum, I’m going to have midnight feasts every night with the girls in my dorm and I will be double-Vaizey, probably house captain, because my mum went there, and my uncles Ru and Hamish, and Daddy and my other dad, my biological dad.’
‘That’s right.’ Kitty smoothed her daughter’s dark curls. She glanced over at Angus and noticed the barely visible change in his demeanour; the slight cording to his arm muscles and a tension in his jawline. It was a source of pride to her, the ease with which Sophie accepted the situation. It had never been an issue, as it had never been a secret, but still, and despite all their best efforts, she knew that even the most matter-of-fact mention of it rankled with Angus. She hoped that this baby would be the ultimate unifier, the glue that bound them. Their baby.
‘Right, so, what is it I can I help you with?’ she asked, yawning loudly.
‘I have to read this passage from The Jungle Book and talk about how the writer makes the animals seem like people and what we can learn about the hierarchy.’
‘Goodness me, Soph! Don’t think I knew about the word “hierarchy” until I left school!’ Angus piped up from the chair and Kitty was glad that he was joining in, diffusing any potential awkwardness.
‘Okay…’ Kitty ran her fingers over the front cover of the book. ‘The Jungle Book by Mr Rudyard Kipling.’ She felt a twinge in her heart, recalling the poem Theo had recited on that day, the day that would alter the course of their lives.
Morning waits at the end of the world,
And the world is all at our feet!
‘Are you okay, Mum?’ Sophie laid her hand on her arm. ‘You went quiet.’
‘I’m great, darling. Sorry, just a bit of indigestion.’ She placed her hand on her chest.
‘Naughty baby!’ Sophie yelled and waggled her finger towards the bump that concealed her baby brother or sister.
‘Poor little thing,’ Angus called back. ‘Maybe it should go straight to Vaizey when it pops out, to escape from this madhouse!’
The telephone rang in the hallway. Angus folded his newspaper and jumped up. ‘Hello, Stephen. … Yes, we’re good, thanks! How are things north of the border? … Keeping warm, I hope. Kitty was just telling me about Ruraigh’s visit. I believe you were quite bowled over by little Daisy-Belle?’
‘It’s Grandad!’ Sophie leapt from her seat. Abandoning her prep, she ran into the hallway and began jumping up and down on the spot impatiently, waiting to talk to her most favourite person on the planet.
Kitty picked up the book and began to read.
*
A few days later, she was at home, doing the morning chores. A regular day. She’d dropped Sophie at school and walked home with her bag of groceries. With Wake Up to Wogan on the radio, she stripped the beds, washed the sheets and prepared that evening’s supper – chicken in red wine with shallots that would marinate all day. Perfect. It was as she emptied the bin in the kitchen that she spied Angus’s work mobile phone on the countertop. It was unusual for him to forget it. Kitty picked it up and liked the feel of it in her palm; she didn’t have a phone herself but loved the idea of the freedom it might give her, and the thought of being able to take calls from Sophie’s school in an emergency was very appealing.
The screen flashed with an envelope sign: a message. Without thinking, she pressed the button to the side of it and read the three lines of text that popped up on the little screen.r />
Admiral Duncan Pub
Thursday
7.30
Kitty’s legs went weak. She stumbled backwards until she felt the countertop beneath her hip and leant heavily against it, her breath coming in starts. She knew the Admiral Duncan pub in Soho. It had a particular reputation. Slowly she walked towards the dining table and sat down. With her head in her hands she sobbed, her heart hammering.
She waited until she had calmed a little before calling her friend. Ruraigh answered.
‘Is… Is Tizz there, Ruraigh?’
‘God, you sound awful. What’s the matter?’
His concern was touching.
‘I’m… I’m okay, I just need a word with Tizz.’
‘Hang on, I’ll go grab her. If you need us to come over, just say. Or if you want to come here… Whatever.’
‘Thanks.’ She closed her eyes, aware that Tizz kept him up-to-date on how things were between her and Angus. She was thankful for his offer, but she wasn’t in the mood for company.
‘Kitty! What’s happened? Are you okay? Ruraigh’s worried.’ Tizz cut to the chase, as ever.
‘I think Angus might be up to his old tricks. He left his phone and I saw a text about a meeting at a gay pub.’ She closed her eyes as she spoke the words. ‘I’m… I’m in a right state.’
‘Shit!’
‘Yes, shit.’
There was a moment of silence while both let the information sink in.
‘So what do you think? What should I do?’ Kitty curled the phone cord around her finger and waited for a response.
‘I don’t know what to think,’ Tizz said. ‘I mean, there could be an innocent explanation, and if you go flying off the handle or make a suggestion, it could cause friction that won’t do either of you any good. Or…’
‘Or what?’
‘Or he could be, as you say, up to his old tricks. And you have a right to know and a right to make decisions based on the truth and not what he wants you to think is the truth.’
‘I hate that I feel this suspicious. I just want us to be happy and in love. And as Angus always says, I either trust him or I don’t; there’s no halfway house. And it was only a one-off thing and he has no contact with Thomas now, hasn’t had for two years.’ Bloody Thomas Paderfield. She disliked even saying his name.