How to Fall in Love Again: Kitty's Story

by Amanda Prowse

‘Has it not got any easier, Dad? Do you miss her as much now as you always did? I ask because my friend Theo has just lost his Anna.’

  ‘Sophie’s Theo?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Again, she felt the desire to say that had he not been her Theo to start with then there would not have been a Sophie! She was unsure why this bothered her so much.

  Her dad dipped the big spoon into the peas and sage-buttered carrots, loading a healthy heap onto his plate. ‘A terrible business. Sophie sounded so upset when I spoke to her. She loved Anna.’ He used the big spoon to dive into the crispy tatties; she’d cooked them in goose fat, just as Marjorie had shown her more years ago than she cared to remember.

  ‘We all did. She was a wonderful woman.’

  Her dad nodded. He watched her intently as she placed two thick slices of soft lamb onto his plate. She added another and another and it was only then, with the mountain of food in front of him, that he raised his palm to indicate ‘when’. He smothered the food with dark, glossy gravy from the white gravy boat.

  ‘It has got easier.’ He piled up his fork. ‘And at first I felt guilty that it had, as though I should stay in some permanent state of mourning to show how devoted I was to her.’ He put the food into his mouth and chewed with slow appreciation.

  ‘And then?’

  ‘And then…’ He swallowed. ‘I realised that I could still love her, still miss her, but I could also carry on with life. That’s it. It was that simple for me.’

  ‘I miss Mum too.’

  ‘I know, hen.’ He smiled at her and then turned his attention back to the lamb. ‘I’ve never met Theo. That’s strange for me, being that he’s Sophie’s dad.’

  ‘I guess it is strange. It’s a funny old relationship really. I’ve known him since my first day at Vaizey and yet I feel as if I’m only just getting to know him now. He came to stay with me in Blackheath—’

  ‘Yes, Olly told me.’

  ‘It was nice, odd in a way, because we’ve never spent that much time alone, but nice.’

  ‘And what’s his Lordship up to?’

  ‘Oh, you know, Dad, had a falling out with Nikolai by all accounts, but I think that’s just how it is. They seem happy, volatile – maybe that’s passion, who knows?’

  ‘Hmmmf.’ He forked more food into his mouth. ‘I wish I’d had the confidence to voice what my instincts were telling me.’

  ‘Oh, Dad, not that again.’ She’d lost count of the times they’d raked over this.

  Stephen rested his knife and fork on the edge of the plate and finished his mouthful. ‘The thing that makes me so mad, Kitty, is that you didn’t get the life you deserved. Who knows where you might have ended up or with whom?’

  ‘I can’t think like that, Dad, or I’d drive myself crazy! I have to think about what I do have – the kids, my lovely home, my friends, my job in the gallery…’

  ‘Yes, but what I wanted for you was all that and more. I wanted you to move up here and take over Darraghfield. I wanted you to know a love like the one your mother and I shared! God, she made every day worth waking for, even the bad ones. I never lost the wonder of how someone like her could love someone like me! Never.’

  He placed his hand on his chest as if heartburn had bitten. And just like that, Kitty’s appetite flew out of the window and whistled down the glen. She looked at his expression and knew that despite his words, living without the woman he had so loved was anything but simple.

  *

  Four days in and there was something about waking in her childhood bedroom that made her feel happy, encased in the soft surroundings that had nurtured her. She might have more years behind her than ahead, but when at Darraghfield she shrugged off many of her worries, slept soundly, put the minutiae of life out of her mind and reverted to her carefree childhood self, treading barefoot over the wooden floors and dusty flagstones.

  She stretched and looked out of the window at the rising sun, an idea forming.

  ‘Where are you off to?’ her dad asked as he cut the loaf on the breadboard ready for toast. The jam pot, marmalade and butter dish were already on the breakfast table.

  ‘I’m off for a swim!’

  ‘I hope it’s warm enough.’

  ‘It’ll be great.’ Gathering her bathrobe around her and with her towel in one hand, she pulled on some old tennis shoes she found in the boot room and trotted down the gravel path, over the shrub border, across the patch of grass and through the narrow gap in the laurel hedge. Even at her age, this narrow gap still felt like a secret. Throwing her towel onto one of the wicker steamer chairs, she paused, taking in the perfect vista as she stood on the edge with her long, pale toes curled around the curved lip of the tiles. The sunlight danced on the surface as it shifted in the breeze and the Roman steps at the far end wobbled, distorted in their watery home.

  Kitty bent her knees and angled her back slowly, ignoring the creak to her limbs, and just as her dad had shown her when she was no more than a girl, with her head tucked, arms level with her ears and hands reaching out, she leapt and pushed herself forward, feeling the immediate thrill of breaking the surface as the water rippled from her form. Working quickly, she propelled herself forward, hands slightly cupped, waggling her feet, moving at speed until her fingertips touched the opposite wall. She flipped around awkwardly and headed back, feeling the delicious pull of her ageing, aching muscles against the resistance of the water.

  Eight, maybe ten lengths later and her breath came fast. She trod water and wriggled her finger first in one ear and then the other, then smoothed the droplets from her face with her wrinkled palm. She felt both peaceful and very much alive. The sun warmed her freckled skin and all was right with her world.

  She lay on her back in a semi-doze as the water lapped at her ears. Lying like this turned the world into a quiet place, a refuge of sorts. Her stomach groaned and she pictured the breakfast she would eat: crispy bacon, shiny fried eggs peppered with sea salt, thickly buttered toast, maybe a roasted tomato or two…

  She had no idea how long she stayed like that – minutes, an hour? Her hold on time was skewed, so lost was she to the water. But then, quite unexpectedly, she sensed a change to the shape of her world.

  A dark shadow loomed between Kitty and the sunshine.

  Slowly she opened her eyes to see a man standing on the poolside. He stood with his hands in his pockets, shirtsleeves rolled above the elbow. She blinked. Embarrassment made her right herself in the water. Ashamed that he’d seen her in a state of complete abandonment, her blush flared.

  She stared at the man, who smiled at her, and felt the unmistakable twist of joy in her heart at the very sight of him. She quite forgot she was wearing her swimming costume that was unflattering and bobbly in places. Truth was, she could barely think straight.

  ‘Theo!’ she called out, astonished and delighted in equal measure. ‘Oh my God! Theo! You came!’

  ‘It would appear so.’ He smiled at her. ‘It was only as the cab was dropping me off at the bottom of the drive that I considered the possibility that you might have only been being polite in inviting me. But here I am!’ He raised his arms and let them fall.

  ‘Not at all, it’s lovely to see you!’ she said with enthusiasm. ‘Who’s got Gunner?’ She looked to his side, half expecting the lovely boy to come bounding through the hedge.

  ‘Our niece, Kaylee. She has two young kids who just adore him, so he’ll be spoilt rotten.’

  ‘Lovely!’ Kitty trod water and looked at the towel on the back of the steamer chair, wondering how she might retrieve it without revealing too much of her body.

  ‘Can you grab my towel?’ She nodded towards it and watched as he walked round to gather it into his hands.

  ‘This is really some place!’ His gaze swept the roofline of Darraghfield and then took in the enclosed area around the pool. He handed her the towel and continued to look up, out towards the garden, ever the gentleman.

  Kitty hauled herself up out of the water a
nd dried herself off before pulling her bathrobe on with relief. She ran her fingers through her hair, spraying water droplets around her in an arc.

  ‘It is, isn’t it? I never get sick of it. It’s where I feel most at home.’

  ‘I remember you saying as much when we were kids.’ He kicked the flat, warm stone of the pool edge. ‘So this is where you tried to earn your gills?’

  ‘Yes!’ She laughed, remembering their conversations over the years. ‘I love it here. This little spot right here, it’s my favourite place on earth…’ She smiled, displacing any potentially melancholic reflections. ‘I was just thinking about breakfast. Are you hungry?’

  ‘I am. I got the sleeper train but didn’t do much sleeping!’ He took in a full lung of fresh air.

  The two walked back through the hedge, side by side.

  ‘Dad!’ she called out as she made her way through the wood-panelled corridors and across the hallway back to the kitchen, Theo now walking behind her. ‘Dad, we have a guest!’

  ‘Oh?’ Stephen looked up from the breakfast table and stood quickly with his hand outstretched.

  ‘Dad…’ She paused. ‘This is Theo. Theo Montgomery.’

  ‘Well, I never did! Sophie’s Theo?’ He took Theo’s hand warmly inside his and held the top of his arm with his left hand.

  ‘Yes, Sophie’s Theo.’ Theo answered with something that sounded like relief, but his expression was one of pure pride. He clearly loved being Sophie’s Theo, and Kitty felt none of the irritation from before.

  ‘Well, I never did!’ her dad repeated. ‘And here you are! Sit down, sit down.’ He pulled out a chair while Kitty filled the dented black enamel kettle and popped it onto the top of the Aga.

  ‘That takes me back.’ Theo stared at the kettle. ‘When I was a kid, I used to hang around with the groundsman at school.’ He smiled at Kitty’s dad. ‘He was to have a massive influence on my life, actually. And he had a kettle just like that. I’ve not thought about it for years until now.’

  ‘Ours is as old as the hills, but I’d rather patch it up than fetch a new one. I think every celebration and commiseration over the last few decades has been marked by the setting of that very kettle on the stove. It contains all of our history.’

  The two men stared at the Aga, as if both lost in their memories.

  ‘Do you know Scotland?’ Kitty’s dad leant on the tabletop and Kitty was reminded how he came alive with company.

  ‘My father used to come up every year to shoot. We’d stay up at Arbereekie.’

  ‘Oh, I know it well!’ Her dad spoke fondly, clearly delighted at the connection.

  ‘I can’t say I was a good shot; in fact I never got that far. The first time I saw the bird in the gundog’s mouth, I cried – it seemed unfair. I was only a child, but I think I rather embarrassed the old man.’ Theo laughed softly.

  ‘Nothing to be embarrassed about there.’ Her dad sat up straight. ‘You have compassion and an affinity for nature, a love for it, well, that’s important for anyone who wants to live close to the land. The respect, it’s not something you can teach. Do you know my boys, my nephews, Ruraigh and Hamish?’

  ‘I do indeed. They were a year or two above me at Vaizey. And of course those two years were like a lifetime when we were younger, but I see them from time to time, usually with Sophie, and that couple of years’ difference was erased a long time ago.’

  ‘It happens! We all end up the same age, we all end up old!’ Stephen laughed and banged the table.

  ‘Speak for yourself!’ Kitty joined in, feeling, for the first time in an age, anything but old.

  A quietness washed over them, as if they were all thinking of Anna, who had not had the chance to get old.

  ‘I was very sorry to hear about the passing of your wife,’ Stephen offered sincerely.

  ‘Thank you.’ Theo swallowed. ‘I have days when I’m doing well and then others when it feels like it happened only yesterday.’

  ‘Yes, well, I don’t know if this helps or not, but I still feel that way, and my wife died many years ago now.’

  ‘I remember Kitty talking about you both at school; she said you were like her best friends and I had never heard anything like it. Parents like friends…?’ He shook his head. ‘It was another world to me.’

  ‘You weren’t close to your own parents, Theo?’

  ‘It was difficult. Or rather my dad was difficult. I don’t think I was ever going to live up to his expectations or meet his high demands.’ He looked at the floor.

  ‘Well, goodness me, what a foolish man, if you don’t mind me saying. And from the way my family talk about you, having the gift of a fellow like you for a son…?’ Stephen shook his head. ‘That’s a thing most men can only dream of.’

  Theo’s face coloured at the compliment.

  ‘It’s good to finally meet you, Theo. Did you know his Lordship?’

  ‘Dad!’ Kitty rolled her eyes at Theo. ‘He is referring to Angus, who, as you might have gathered, is still a sensitive subject.’ She cracked eggs into the skillet, where a nub of lard had melted.

  ‘I did. Again, not as friends, but our paths have crossed.’

  ‘He was never straightforward, Theo. My wife used to say it.’

  ‘Dad, please don’t start with the shifty-eyed thing!’

  Theo laughed. ‘It can’t have been easy for him.’ He spoke softly. ‘And Sophie loves him and that’s everything, I guess.’

  Stephen looked at Theo with fondness. ‘As I said, you have compassion, Theo. That’s no bad thing. And you look a chap straight in the eye!’

  ‘Bacon?’ Kitty yelled, wary of the conversation straying into areas that might make some or all of them uncomfortable. ‘Who wants bacon?’

  *

  It was a happy few days. Kitty tried and failed to interest Theo in the clay-pigeon shoot in the lower paddock and he made a ham-fisted attempt at catching a trout for the grill. Luckily, she and her dad were on hand to scoop up three fat examples, and these were sizzled on the barbecue until the beautiful skin was blackened and the flesh had turned a comforting shade of pale pink. Adding a squeeze of lemon, a chunk of soda bread, rips of lettuce and a large spoonful of buttered new potatoes, the trio feasted on them as the sun began to sink, eating from plates resting on their laps as they sat on the front patio with the glen stretching out below them as far as the eye could see.

  ‘Can I get you another beer, Theo?’ Stephen reached down into the slightly battered cooler by his side and plucked a pale bottle from the iced water.

  ‘Thank you.’ Theo stretched across and took the beer eagerly.

  They all enjoyed each other’s company and Kitty was pleased. It was good to see Theo becoming a little less tense and she found a new lightness in herself that made the world a happier place.

  ‘I’m getting a tad chilly.’ Stephen rubbed his arms. ‘Think I might call it a night.’

  Kitty stretched up to receive his kiss on her cheek as he left. She watched him walk slowly back into the house before pulling the tartan rug over her legs and zipping up her long- sleeved fleece. With the dropping sun, the temperature was indeed a little cool.

  ‘You warm enough there, Theo?’

  ‘Yep.’ He pulled on his jersey before taking the other rug and tucking it over his lap.

  ‘I feel a bit woozy.’ She sipped her fourth glass of white and gave a little laugh.

  ‘Can’t think why.’ He eyed her glass. ‘Maybe that trout was a bit off?’

  They both chuckled.

  ‘Nothing wrong with the trout.’ She sighed.

  The two enjoyed a comfortable silence between topics. It was a nice state of being.

  ‘I remember you telling me you’d been fishing before, the day Soph and I saw you at Vaizey. You said you’d hated it.’

  He reached up and ran his hand under the collar of his shirt. ‘I still wear this fishing fly that Mr Porter gave me. It reminds me of him and all he taught me.’ He swallowed. ‘But yes, you’re rig
ht. I’m sorry to say that the actual fishing was not for me.’

  ‘You were fond of him.’

  ‘I was, very. I know it was different for you, but school was a tough time for me. It shaped me, and a lot of the hurt was so ingrained, I couldn’t let it go—’

  ‘There’s something I want to tell you, Theo,’ she interrupted.

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘I was there the day of the big fight in the quad.’ A look of surprise and embarrassment crept over his face. ‘I was behind one of the pillars – I’d just arrived back after the summer break.’ She drew breath. ‘I didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to help. It was horrible.’

  ‘It was. Horrible.’

  ‘I’ve never known how to mention it, but… I understand what you went through and I’m sorry. How did you put it behind you, that whole horrible time?’ She sat forward, sincere.

  Theo took a deep breath. ‘Anna taught me how. Also, I eventually faced up to my tormentor and, weirdly enough, we became quite good friends—’

  ‘Wilson?’ She cut in again, disbelieving.

  ‘Yes, Wilson. Magnus. I gave him a job.’

  ‘You did?’

  ‘Yes. We worked well together for years. We actually had quite a lot in common.’

  She let the gentle breeze flow over her, lifting her hair from her face. ‘I am glad you came up.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘It’s weird, isn’t it…’

  ‘What’s weird?’ He took a swig from the bottle.

  ‘Us. Here I am with this guy who was my friend at school, no more, who ended up being the dad to my precious girl – our precious girl,’ she corrected. ‘We’ve been in each other’s lives for a long time – we just kind of fell in together, didn’t we?’

  ‘I guess we did.’

  ‘I always felt okay if you were around, Theo, especially at school.’

  ‘I can relate to that.’ He smiled. ‘I was pretty smitten with you for a long time – until Anna, really.’

  ‘I think I probably knew that, and that day when we met, the Sophie day, when we went for coffee and then the pub, I was so happy to see you. It was the first time I had the tiniest flicker of doubt over marrying Angus. And I know how bad that sounds, but it’s true. I had this little sliver of reflection, a “what if” moment. But I buried it. And the rest, as they say, is history.’