How to Fall in Love Again: Kitty's Story

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘Where were you – somewhere nice, I hope?’

  ‘Timbuktu.’ She laughed, annoyed at the tearful wobble in her voice.

  ‘It’s a big day.’ He gave her the justification for her tears. ‘Sophie seems happy.’

  ‘She really is. Greg’s lovely, isn’t he?’

  ‘Yep. He’s cooking supper at my place next week, his famous grapefruit, orange and fish surprise, which sounds intriguing – you have to come.’

  ‘I’d like that very much.’ It felt odd to her that Sophie and Greg had a relationship with Theo that excluded her, but to be invited to join them was a welcome thing. ‘Are you not drinking?’ She was embarrassed at how glad she was of the Dutch courage she’d so swiftly knocked back.

  ‘No, I’m driving. I didn’t know if I might need to make a hasty exit. Truth is, it’s been a while and I was worried about seeing you again, Kitty.’ He walked forward and stood next to her, looking out over the city in the dying embers of the day.

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘A lot has gone on since Darraghfield and I’m not sure I was the most polite houseguest. I left rather hurriedly and would hate to have offended Stephen. How’s he doing?’

  Kitty shook her head and pictured her lovely dad, now with a permanent nurse/housekeeper in residence, who wasn’t a patch on Marjorie, as he regularly reminded her. ‘He’s okay, and you didn’t. I think it’s me who should apologise. I never meant to offend you. Not for the world! And I’m sorry if I did. I have cringed over my actions a thousand times since. Call it a moment of madness.’

  He inhaled slowly. ‘It was nothing you did or said. It was me. My head was all over the place, still is really, but much less so.’

  ‘That’s kind of you to say, but I know…’ She ran out of words, feeling the blush on her cheeks at the memory of how he had almost literally run from her.

  ‘I felt…’ He turned to face her. ‘I felt so guilty because for a second, just for a split second, I forgot about Anna and I thought about you. And I never want to forget about her.’

  Kitty’s breath caught in her throat. The two stood in silence as the significance of his words sank in.

  ‘Of course! Oh my God, Theo, of course!’ She covered her face with her hands, ‘God, I can’t bear to have this conversation with you. It’s horrible. You don’t have to say that – I know it. Darling Anna, I know it…’

  ‘Hey, you two!’

  Kitty whipped around to look at Sophie, who was calling to them from the doorway.

  ‘We’re thinking about doing a speech or two and we don’t want to start without you both there to listen.’

  ‘We’ll be right in, darling!’ There it was again, the false brightness she could summon in an instant.

  ‘I don’t want you to feel that way, Kitty. As I said, it wasn’t you—’

  ‘Can we talk about it later, please?’ She headed for the door, her tone a little curt.

  She found a spot in the middle of the crowd, and watched with pride as her daughter spoke with great composure. An arm snaked around her waist and she was delighted to see that Olly had arrived and had chosen to stand by her side.

  ‘You’re late!’ she whispered.

  ‘Yep.’ He nodded and supped his pint, as if it was to be expected.

  Everyone’s attention was on Sophie as she continued. ‘I always thought that you get the people in your life that you are meant to have, particularly as you get older.’ She paused and looked from face to face. ‘I’ve been very lucky to have the most incredibly supportive family: Mum, Dad-Angus, Dad-Theo, Anna, Olly, my uncles Ruraigh and Hamish, Tizz and Flo, the whole gang…’ She smiled. ‘And I thought I had all the people I needed, thought I had enough. And then I met Greg.’

  There was a collective murmur of ‘Aaah’ and ‘How lovely!’, along with the odd sniff. ‘I met him and I liked him and I loved him and I know I always will. And I couldn’t be more excited about spending the rest of my life with him. We wanted to get everyone together tonight to celebrate our engagement, and also something else.’

  Kitty looked at Angus, then Theo and all looked equally perplexed.

  Greg took the floor. ‘Yes. Do we have any knitters in the room?’

  A hush came over them all as Sophie beamed at the crowd in front of her. ‘I’m having a baby!’ She jumped up and down on the spot.

  ‘Oh my God!’ Kitty kissed Olly before rushing forward, almost blinded by the fog of tears. ‘Soph!’ She took her girl into her arms. ‘This is just wonderful! Wonderful!’ She turned to Theo and Angus, who, along with the rest of the laughing, crying crowd, were raising a toast.

  Tizz grinned at Kitty. ‘Told you!’ she mouthed. ‘Glowy!’ She whirled circles on her cheek with her fingertip and laughed.

  *

  It was a wonderful evening and Kitty knew she would not forget it. A baby! It was the best thing imaginable. Her excitement came in waves and she couldn’t wait to call her dad and give him the news.

  ‘How are you getting home?’ Theo asked as he slipped his arms into his linen jacket, interrupting her thoughts.

  ‘Oh, I’ll grab a cab.’

  ‘Let me drive you.’

  ‘No! It’s out of your way. Plus Olly might be coming home, so it’ll be two of us.’

  ‘That’s fine. I have more than two seats.’ He smiled. ‘Olly, are you coming back to Blackheath? I’ve said I’ll drive your mum.’

  ‘Oh, cheers, Theo, but no, early start for me tomorrow, plus I said I might pop in on a friend.’ He coughed.

  ‘Oh! A friend!’ Kitty giggled.

  ‘She’s called Victoria and I like her. I like her a lot.’

  ‘Well, that’s wonderful! I am happy, Olly!’ She beamed at her boy as she grabbed her bag. They spent an age saying their goodbyes.

  Kitty had to admit it felt nice to be driven. Driven by Theo. His fancy-pants car purred through Dulwich as she reclined in the leather seat that cocooned her. ‘Our baby is having a baby!’

  ‘She is.’

  ‘Theo, we’re going to be grandparents!’ She howled her laughter. ‘Oh my word… Grandpa Theo!’

  ‘I don’t know what to do with a baby. They absolutely terrify me.’

  It was a stark reminder that his daughter had only arrived in his life in her early teens.

  ‘You’ll be a natural.’ She studied his profile. ‘I wonder what it’ll be, a little boy or girl…’

  ‘It’s exciting, isn’t it?’ He smiled at her.

  ‘It really is. Do you think we should put their name down for Vaizey the moment they’re born? Sixth generation on your side, is that right?’

  ‘Something like that.’ He sat up straight and gripped the wheel. ‘I think we should let the little thing go somewhere it can flourish.’

  ‘Sophie loved it. Olly too. And I did, really. I mean, I was lonely at times, of course, but it shaped my whole life. I met you. I met Angus. And it was always such a big part of Ruraigh and Hamish’s life.’

  ‘It shaped me too, but not in a good way.’ He blinked rapidly. ‘I’m going to tell you something that I don’t tell many people.’

  She sat up and twisted in her seat to look at him.

  ‘Do you remember Alexander Beaufort? Xander. A prefect in Theobald’s.’

  She closed her eyes and pictured the boy. ‘Yes, I do. Tall, quite nice-looking, went out with Johanna van Stroother who was in my house. That’s really funny, I haven’t thought about either of them for years and I didn’t know I remembered them until you said their names.’

  ‘Well, he’s my brother.’

  Kitty laughed. ‘He’s your brother? What do you mean?’ She looked at him quizzically.

  ‘My father was his father – different mums. I was the only one who didn’t know about the situation, they kept me in the dark until I was in my thirties, but apparently Xander knew, even at school. Never said a word.’

  ‘That’s insane!’ She tried and failed to imagine her parents keeping news like this from her. It
would feel devastating.

  ‘I know.’ He sucked his lip.

  ‘Do you… do you ever see him?’

  Theo shook his head. ‘No. No contact ever. I half expected him to come to my father’s funeral, but he didn’t. I sometimes wish he had, a chance to clear the air and all that.’

  ‘Why don’t you contact him?’

  ‘For what purpose?’ He glanced at her, then back at the road.

  ‘I don’t know! To clear the air, as you put it? It just seems weird that you know he’s your brother and yet you don’t know him.’

  ‘Christ, Kitty, there was so much weird about my upbringing, this pales into insignificance.’

  ‘We all have them, you know—’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Those dark corners of our life which we choose not to illuminate, things that we bury.’ She cleared her throat. ‘My mum, my lovely mum… She suffered with mental illness all her life, and I’m not entirely certain, but I think she took her own life. My dad thinks he’s shielding me by keeping the details vague and I don’t want to distress him by bringing it up. It’s complicated.’

  ‘Oh, Kitty! That must have been so tough on you.’

  ‘I kept my mum’s illness a secret at school because my dad did at home, at least for a while. It wasn’t a shame thing, it was more that he thought if he didn’t talk about it, then it wouldn’t be real, we could all pretend. And he didn’t want Mum to hear the words, the diagnosis, in case it made her feel afraid or diminished her. He loved her so much.’

  ‘I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for him.’ He spoke softly as the car idled at traffic lights. ‘I remember you coming back to school with tales of things you’d got up to with your parents. I was always very envious. Mine were so remote.’

  ‘Often it was just me and my dad, and that was fine. He’s always been wonderful, but Mum hiding away in her room or, worse, coming downstairs and floating around like a ghost, it was a pressure and a sadness all in one. We were all pretending and it was exhausting.’

  ‘I guess everyone pretends some of the time. I used to sit and watch you in class, laughing at the things you said, trying to show an interest when you spoke about Angus, but it killed me inside. I used to lie awake in Theobald’s thinking about all the things you’d said, feeling sick to my stomach.’

  She stared at his handsome profile and felt a punch of sadness for the teenage Theo. ‘I wasn’t aware of that – not really.’ She wished she had understood, hoped she’d been kind.

  ‘I know. I don’t blame you, of course not, but it wasn’t easy.’

  They continued the rest of the journey in silence, alone with the ghosts of their secrets. Theo eventually pulled up outside her house.

  ‘Are you coming in for a coffee?’

  ‘Bit late for coffee.’ They both looked at the digital display on the dashboard.

  ‘I have herbal tea?’

  Kitty put the key in the front door and scanned the hallway and sitting room, regretting not having run the vacuum cleaner over the floorboards and tidied away the newspapers that littered the rug.

  Theo walked into the lounge and turned to her. ‘It feels a like a lifetime ago that I came to stay here with Gunner.’

  She placed her keys in the china bowl on the table and shrugged her arms free of her coat.

  The sitting room was dark but for the golden glow coming through the plantation blinds and casting its stripey light on the floor and furnishings.

  It would have been hard to say, with hindsight, exactly who moved first. How it happened. Who initiated and who followed. Not that those details would matter. The fact was, the two came together. Theo and Kitty, kissing with the ferocity of those who had known abstinence and loneliness, their arms wound tightly around each other, separating only to remove outer layers of clothing, running palms over skin that was warm and known to them yet still excitingly unfamiliar.

  ‘Oh my God, Theo,’ she whispered as she kissed him, as her heart thudded and her pulse raced, ‘here we go again.’

  He laughed as he lifted her and the two fell onto the sofa.

  *

  Kitty woke and for a split second wondered why she was on the sofa and not upstairs in her room. This was followed by the realisation that her head was resting on Theo’s chest.

  ‘Is this where you jump up, tell me you have to be somewhere and disappear for a decade or two?’ He smiled, still with his eyes closed. ‘I mean, you do have form.’

  ‘You are not funny!’ She scowled at him.

  ‘I am a bit funny,’ he countered.

  ‘Actually, I was going to jump up and make a pot of coffee and heat up some stale croissants, but you can forget it.’ She pulled the throw that usually lived on the back of the sofa over her bare legs.

  ‘Oh, stale croissants sound wonderful.’

  She liked the feel of his slightly rough palm running over her back. Her skin still aglow with the feeling he elicited in her, which she could only liken to electricity that sparked desire in her unfelt since that glorious afternoon all that time ago...

  ‘Or…’ He sighed. ‘We could walk into Blackheath and have a forage for not-stale croissants and fancy fruit for a salad, and we could come back and have a proper breakfast?’

  ‘Okay.’ She answered with measured nonchalance, smiling at him.

  My Theo…

  ‘Try not to overwhelm me with your enthusiasm – you don’t want me feeling confident or anything like that.’

  ‘It’s not that, Theo. I’m… I’m scared.’ She sat up, pulling the throw with her to cover her chest.

  He placed his arm behind his head and looked at her. ‘I’m scared too. It took me a lot of years to erase the hurt I felt, to cope with the rejection after what happened between us, and this feels risky. My heart and my ego are both fragile. Life has messed me up, Kitty.’

  Kitty thought of the moment she saw Thomas Paderfield reach up to adjust Angus’s collar and how her whole life, her marriage, her future and her past, had seemed to disappear down a large black hole. ‘Me too.’

  ‘So what’s the answer? Do you want to run? Because if you do, I’ll understand. And I can be in my car within minutes and gone – all the way back to Barnes.’

  ‘All the way back to Barnes?’ She laughed. ‘And then what? Set a date for thirty years’ time so we can have sex again, as part of our thirty-year ritual?’

  Theo laughed too. ‘I hate to think about it, hate saying it even more, but in thirty years’ time I’ll be eighty! I might still be able to rustle up croissants and a fancy fruit salad, but sex might be off the menu.’

  ‘Well, in that case, I suppose I’d better get it while I can. What are you grinning at?’ She grabbed his arm.

  Theo shook his head. ‘I was just thinking that if my fourteen-, fifteen-year-old self had known that this was going to happen, well, I might have exploded.’

  ‘In a good way?’

  ‘Yes, Kitty, in a good way.’

  Kitty felt bold, leaning forward to kiss his handsome face, as she lay back down next to him on the sofa. She felt alive! But most of all she felt happy. She hugged the man who was her knight in shining armour. It felt a lot like coming home.

  Moving Home

  Kitty pulled the cork from the bottle and poured a glass. She flopped down on the sofa and rested her feet on the coffee table. The walls were bare except for the boxes piled high against them, and the rug was propped in the corner; all of her belongings waiting to be shipped.

  She lifted the glass in the air, raising a toast to the memories and ghosts which lurked in the very fabric. ‘To new beginnings!’ She took a sip.

  She thought back to a night at Darraghfield shortly after Theo had left, sitting with her dad around the table in the kitchen warming themselves by the Aga. They had finished supper and now nursed cups of tea and buttered slices of fruit loaf.

  He leant across the table and said, ‘When I have seen you happy, Kitty, truly happy then I will go and join yo
ur mum.’

  Kitty had become upset. ‘Please don’t say that, Dad, I can’t bear to think about it. I can’t imagine a world without my mum or my dad. No matter that I’m a grown-up, I don’t always feel like one.’

  ‘Ah that’s the thing, darlin’, none of us do.’ He placed his hand over the back of hers. ‘Never doubt that being your dad has been my greatest privilege.’

  She sniffed the tears that gathered.

  ‘But I miss her, you know, and I am tired, I think I am hanging on to see you settled.’

  ‘I am settled, Dad. I’m fine.’

  ‘Fine…’ he smiled, ‘that magic word that seems to calm a thousand worries. But I know you Kitty Dalkeith Montrose. I know there is more than “fine” and I know it is waiting for you.’

  She raised her dad’s hand and kissed the back of his palm.

  She had travelled back to Blackheath and less than a week later, a crate of vintage red wine had arrived on her doorstep with the note that read, ‘For my Kitty and new beginnings. Drink it when the time is right. Your Dad X.’

  She took a sip and thought about him now, unable to stop the tears that fell.

  15

  2018

  Tizz nursed her crowded glass of Pimm’s and stared at Kitty across the table in her back garden. Ruraigh was at work on the patio, his tongue poking from the side of his mouth as he tried to assemble the bedside cabinets they’d bought from Ikea. ‘There must be bits missing!’ he yelled, scratching his head. ‘These instructions make no bloody sense.’

  ‘Ignore him.’ Tizz waved in his direction. ‘He’s busy and we can chat – and we do need to chat.’

  ‘Why do I feel like I’m about to get grilled or told off?’ Kitty sat with her hands clasped between her thighs.

  ‘Because you are. Now, just to get this straight, you’re telling me that you and Theo, Sophie’s Theo…’

  ‘My Theo, technically,’ she whispered.

  Tizz ignored her. ‘… you and Theo have been snogging the face off each other for the last six months, since that night at the Crown and Sceptre, and you are only telling me now?’

  ‘Yes. We didn’t want to tell anyone in case it was just a thing and not a proper thing.’