How to Fall in Love Again: Kitty's Story

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘I know so.’ He kissed her scalp. ‘I did love Anna. I do love Anna, and I always will. I do feel that sometimes we don’t mention her when it would be appropriate to do so and that’s a shame as she was a big part of my life and a part of yours. She loved your daughter, very, very much.’

  ‘Yes, she did. But I want to be honest, Theo.’

  ‘I need you to be.’ He held her tight.

  She hesitated. ‘The thing is, and I am just shooting from the hip here, so please feel free to pick out the bits that resonate, and I’m nervous, so it might be garbled.’

  ‘Okay.’

  She had his attention. ‘I have never been anyone’s first choice.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Quite rightly my dad adored my mum first and foremost and I slotted in where I could, happily, and then with Angus, I was his consolation, his alternative, but Thomas was his number one. Sophie has found her wonderful Greg, and Olly has Victoria, and for you it’s Anna. Anna is and will always be your great love, and that makes me the runner-up again.’

  Theo looked up, seeming to consider this. ‘Life doesn’t work that way.’ He pulled her even closer. ‘You are right, Anna and I were the greatest love story and I will always treasure that, but that doesn’t mean that’s it! My life doesn’t end because hers did. I get to go on, and believe me, I didn’t want to for a while, but you are not and never have been my consolation prize. You are my now, my present. And I love you now, right now, with all my heart, like I love no other. Anna taught me that was possible. She gave me the foundations of how to love and I loved her and I love you. I do, Kitty. I love you!’ His voice caught.

  ‘I guess I’m worried that I can’t compete with someone who’s no longer here.’

  ‘Don’t go there – you’ll drive yourself nuts. Anna is forever forty-eight. You, God willing, will get old, wrinkly and cranky and I will love you just as much then as I do now. It’s not second place, not for either of us; it’s the world settling so that everyone is in their rightful place right now! And our rightful place right now is together. What we share can’t diminish what Anna and I shared, and if anything happened to me and you went on to find someone else, it wouldn’t diminish what we have. It’s all we can work with – today, the present, this moment! And I’m not prepared to waste a second of it lamenting the past. I have done that for far too long and for too much of my youth. Okay, Montrose?’

  ‘Okay, Montgomery.’ She reached up and kissed the mouth of the man she loved and who loved her right now, this very moment, in the present.

  ‘We should get married.’

  ‘What?’ She stared at him, open-mouthed, as happiness filled her up. ‘Is that a proposal?’

  ‘Yes. If Olly and Soph are okay with it.’

  She held his gaze. ‘I think we should keep it to ourselves for the time being. It might be more than anyone can cope with! I love you, Theo.’

  ‘I love you too.’

  It was as they kissed that they heard the light tap on the bedroom door. Sophie walked in with two glasses, Greg held the bottle of bubbly and Olly was bearing a cupcake with a candle in it.

  ‘This was all we could find – consider it a congratulations cake!’ Olly walked towards the bed and Kitty and Theo blew out the tiny candle.

  ‘Yes, congratulations!’ Greg fiddled with the cork until it fired from the bottle and hit the ceiling.

  ‘Jesus, Greg!’ Sophie yelled. ‘I would like to propose a toast.’ She lifted her glass of orange juice. ‘I would like to officially say how wonderful it is to know that two of the people I love most in the whole wide world…’

  ‘None taken.’ Greg high-fived Olly.

  Sophie continued. ‘… are in love. I wish you both all the happiness in the whole wide world!’

  Greg passed around the glasses and everyone sipped. Kitty felt a flutter of joy in her heart, knowing she would never forget this night or her daughter’s beautiful words.

  ‘Thank you, darling.’ Theo spoke for them both.

  ‘Okay, my turn!’ Olly cleared his throat.

  ‘Can I just—’ Sophie tried to interrupt.

  ‘No, Soph, this is my turn.’ Olly shot her down. ‘I would like to say—’

  ‘Olly, please!’ Sophie tried again.

  ‘Christ, you’ve had your five minutes – you always do this. It’s my turn now! I just want to say how absolutely—’

  ‘Olly, for God’s sake, I need you to stop talking!’ Sophie shouted. ‘I need everyone to stop talking.’ She placed her hand on her stomach and her glass of orange juice on the windowsill. ‘My waters have broken! This is it – the baby is coming!’

  ‘Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh God, Soph! Oh my God, no!’ Olly walked in a circle, seemingly unable to decide where to put the cupcake and with a look close to panic on his face.

  Greg looked at his soon-to-be brother-in-law and spoke calmly. ‘That’s it, Olly, you turn around in circles. I’ve got this. Me, a lecturer in modern languages.’

  *

  The kirk was packed to the rafters. It felt like the whole of the Highlands had turned out and it made Kitty smile. It was proof of her dad’s kindness. It was still unreal to her that he had gone.

  Patrick, resting on the arm of his son, stopped at the end of the pew and held Kitty’s hand. ‘Stephen was a fine man. My dearest friend. And I shall miss him greatly.’

  ‘Thank you, Patrick. I know he loved you.’

  The old man walked away with tears in his eyes.

  Theo reached for her hand. It was the show of support she needed on this sad day. All stood in silence as the single piper slowly made his way down the centre of the kirk; the sweet sound of the pipes filled the space and reverberated in their chests. Ruraigh and Hamish wept loudly, tears cried in earnest for the man who’d been like a father to them. Kitty wiped her eyes and looked up. The piper played louder, as if to ensure the sound would break through the roof, glance off the water in the burn and twist away along the glen like mist on the morn. Heaven would be in no doubt that today they were receiving the soul of a proud son of Scotland. She pictured Marjorie and her mum and smiled at the thought of them putting the kettle on.

  It was good to see the house busy. The rooms, usually empty and a little flat, were alive with the dance of fires in the grates and the echo of chatter. A drink or two was taken and Isla and her daughter Rhona, who now ran the village pub, had done them proud with the catering.

  Tizz came and stood by Kitty’s side with the sleeping Roseanna in her arms. ‘I am stealing your granddaughter,’ she whispered. ‘I love her. I can’t give her back, and you can’t make me.’

  ‘I think her mum might have something to say about that.’ Kitty ran her fingertip over the sweet, rounded cheek of the six-month-old baby who had brought them all so much joy.

  ‘I love the photos of your dad holding her.’ Tizz closed her eyes briefly. ‘I am glad he knew and loved her.’

  ‘Me too.’ Kitty swiped at her tears that were never very far away.

  Ruraigh, Hamish and Theo had taken root on the sofa in the library.

  ‘What are you three plotting?’ She sat on the chair by the fire and pushed off her shoes with her heel and then her toes.

  ‘We were just talking about Darraghfield, wondering what will happen to it.’ Hamish took a sip of his whisky.

  Kitty looked into the fire and remembered them burning things as kids, anything they could get hold of – paper, wood, wrappers and junk. It had been a major preoccupation. She liked how every sight, every room held so many happy memories. ‘Well, either of you could come up and stay here. You know the life. Or both of you, in fact – it’s big enough!’

  ‘What about you two?’ Ruraigh looked at Theo. ‘I mean, it’s yours, Kitty, by rights. It’s your home.’

  ‘I wouldn’t do that to Theo.’

  ‘Do what to Theo?’ He sat forward in his chair.

  ‘Take you away from London and all you’ve ever known, the bright lights of the big
city. I couldn’t ask you to swap that for a life of dark, icy mornings, temperamental weather, and an estate that will bleed you dry!’

  Theo stood up, straightened his jacket and looked at them one by one. ‘I know you all remember Mr Porter, the groundsman at Vaizey, my friend. What you may not know is that he gave me this…’ He turned over his lapel to reveal the little gold safety pin with its fishing fly of delicate green and blue feathers and a square red bead. ‘He told me to wear it somewhere discreet and to use it as a reminder to seek out the stillness. He told me that’s where I’d find peace, and he was right. I have found peace – with you, Kitty, and here at Darraghfield.’ He fixed his gaze on her. ‘It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while now… I think we should sell our houses in London and move here. New beginnings and all that. I know it’s what Stephen wanted. I always thought it would be lovely for you to be able to swim every day, Kitty, weather permitting, and here you can. You might get your gills after all!’

  Kitty stared at him; she had never loved him more.

  ‘Not a bad speech for a Theobald’s boy.’ Ruraigh chuckled. ‘But if you’d been in Tatum’s you’d have done it with a bit more flourish!’

  ‘Tatum’s!’

  ‘Tatum’s!’ Ruraigh and Hamish made the toast.

  ‘You Tatum’s boys were always the same, boasting about your bloody cricket shield!’

  ‘Ah, did I hear mention of the Tatum’s cricket shield?’ Angus walked into the library with Roseanna, still asleep, in his arms. He had evidently managed to wrangle her from Tizz. ‘Might I remind you that I was captain of that very team for the whole four years we were unbeaten!’

  ‘No one cared about your shield!’ Theo shook his head and sat down.

  ‘Oh Theobald’s sour grapes!’ Angus, Ruraigh and Hamish laughed.

  ‘Do you think Roseanna will go to Vaizey?’ Angus asked casually.

  ‘No!’

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘Yes!’

  Theo, Ruraigh and Hamish answered in unison.

  *

  Sophie put Roseanna down for the night while Greg stacked the dishwasher and Olly and Victoria gathered discarded plates and glasses from around the house. Kitty and Theo finished clingfilming the leftover food before making their way back to the library. They sank down onto the sofa and gazed at the orange glow from the fire.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ he asked as he placed the blanket from the arm of the sofa over her lap.

  ‘It’s been a funny old day. Sad, of course, but so lovely too. It was great to have everyone together and it’s been good reminiscing with the boys.’

  Theo gave a soft laugh; she knew he had enjoyed it too.

  ‘Bless you for saying that earlier.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘About moving up here. I know we never could, but it meant the world that you didn’t dismiss it immediately. This place is part of me. My heritage, my history.’

  ‘I wasn’t joking, Kitty. I meant every word! We should pack up, sell our houses and relocate. Let’s just do it!’

  ‘What would your mum say?’

  ‘I can still visit her, poor old thing. She loves it at Hill View, bossing everyone around.’

  Kitty smiled at the image of Theo’s cantankerous mother holding court. ‘Are we really going to do it, Theo? Are we going to come up here to live?’

  ‘Yes. We are.’

  Kitty laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. She too had found peace at Darraghfield, she felt settled, sitting on the sofa with her toes curled against her man in front of the fire. And her dad was right, it was so much more than fine. She glanced down at the ancient Indian pouffe and saw herself as a little girl, looking up at her mum and dad sitting just where she was right now.

  Moving Home

  Kitty yawned and lay back on the sofa. Night was closing in. There was still plenty of packing to do, but she was struggling to find the energy. It felt strange to have spent the day reliving so much of her past. It was still surreal that she was moving back to Darraghfield, going home, and with Theo by her side.

  ‘I hope I can make him happy. I love him so much!’ she whispered into the ether.

  Making her way wearily into the kitchen, she took a deep breath; the air was filled with the unmistakeable scent of lemons. It was heady, intoxicating and quite delicious. She gripped the lemon in the fruit bowl and inhaled the aroma, much fainter now.

  She heard a key in the door; a quick glance at the clock told her it was nearly 9 p.m.

  ‘Only me!’ Theo called out.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Kitty smiled, reaching up on tiptoes to kiss her man. ‘You’re supposed to be staying in Barnes tonight – we only have two more days of packing and that’s it, we’re off!’

  ‘I couldn’t stay away.’

  ‘Poor Theo.’ She wrapped him in a hug. ‘Did you hear? Roseanna has a new tooth.’

  ‘I did.’ He grinned. The shared joy of grandparenthood had not diminished.

  ‘I am so excited!’ she whispered. ‘We are about to take on this whole big adventure, but I don’t feel in the least bit afraid – I’m just happy.’

  Theo pulled away and stared at her face. ‘I do love you, Kitty Montrose. And you’re right, it is a whole big adventure.

  ‘The wild hawk to the wind-swept sky,

  The deer to the wholesome wold,

  And the heart of a man to the heart of a maid,

  As it was in the days of old.

  ‘The heart of a man to the heart of a maid –

  Light of my tents, be fleet.

  Morning waits at the end of the world,

  And the world is all at our feet!’

  Epilogue

  It was a warm, sunny day at Darraghfield with only the mildest breeze to ruffle the leaves; even the birds seemed to be lying low. Kitty popped on her sunglasses and looked out over the sweep of the glen. She was waiting to see Morgan and Missy, Olly and Victoria’s little ones, as they came across the slope on their ponies. They’d promised to stop and wave.

  ‘I hope they go easy on that ridge, it can be dangerous if the weather changes.’ Almost instinctively she rubbed the kink in her arm, a reminder of the night she had absolutely refused to do as she was told. Now that she was in her late sixties, her bones seemed to ache no matter what, her arm more so.

  Theo placed the teacup back in its saucer and held up the postcard. ‘From Spud and Kumi!’

  ‘Yes, you’ve already read it to me!’ She tutted, knowing that this would not stop him doing so again. She kept a lookout for Morgan and Missy as he read aloud:

  ‘India! Who’d have thought it! It’s a whole new world of sights and sounds and I am savouring every one. Hotel grand. Weather hot. Only downside, not a plate of breaded scampi to be found anywhere, old friend, and you know how I love my scampi!’

  He wheezed his laughter – ‘Scampi!’ – and flipped over the card to study the vast golden dome shining in the sun of Lucknow. ‘It seems that India is the place to be. Angus and his friend Rex are currently trekking in the foothills of the Himalayas. I don’t know how he does it. My creaking bloody hip means it’s a struggle to get up and down the stairs, let alone going trekking!’

  ‘And we now know your mum was born in India,’ Kitty reminded him.

  ‘Yes, she was.’ Theo smiled, and she knew he remembered her fondly.

  ‘Grampy, can we go and look in the hedge?’ a small voice called from behind him. He turned to find Sophie’s four-year-old daughter Amelie standing behind him in her jeans and pink sparkly T-shirt.

  ‘Of course we can!’ Placing his arms on the table, he pushed himself up and took a second to let the twinge in his hip settle.

  Amelie rushed forward and placed her tiny hand inside his. ‘You come too, Grandma!’

  ‘Oh, righto!’ Kitty stood, as ever doing the bidding of her adorable baby granddaughter.

  The three strolled slowly to the end of the lawn and came to a stop at the spiky hedgerow
.

  ‘I can’t see any birdies!’ Amelie whispered, peering into the dark space, having been taught to only whisper so as not to alarm any chicks.

  ‘They might be asleep or not hatched yet?’ Theo suggested.

  ‘Shall we make them something for their nests?’ Amelie asked enthusiastically.

  ‘That’s a great idea.’ Theo kissed the top of his granddaughter’s head. ‘What do you think we should make, Grandma?’

  ‘Ooh, I don’t know, how about we put a few berries in to make them lunch?’ She straightened and looked out again over the glen. Still no sign of the kids on their ponies.

  ‘I know!’ Amelie gasped. ‘A cushion! Let’s make them a tiny cushion! So they don’t scratch their heads on the branches when they go to sleep!’ She clasped her little hands in excitement.

  ‘That is a very good idea. I might have some fabric and a bit of stuffing in the workshop, shall we go and see?’ Theo grasped his wife’s hand and they strolled back up towards the house.

  ‘Yes!’ Amelie skipped and ran ahead up the wide sweep of the front lawn.

  Theo pushed on the stable door of his workshop and Kitty was surprised to find Elliott sitting reading in an old winged-back chair in the corner.

  ‘Hey, Elliot! It’s a lovely sunny day, you don’t want to be cooped up in here alone.’ She smiled at the handsome, bookish boy, Sophie’s middle child, a couple of years younger than Roseanna.

  ‘I’m not alone.’ He pointed to the floor, where Twitcher the grouchy bulldog dozed by his feet.

  ‘Ah, just so. You can help us if you like. Amelie, Grampy and I are going to make tiny cushions to go inside birds’ nests, so the birds don’t scratch their heads on the branches.’

  Elliot rolled his eyes, reminding her that in a couple of years he would be reaching full-blown teenagehood.

  ‘Elliot was crying in the car,’ Amelie said.

  ‘Shut up, Amelie!’ Elliot slammed the book shut and jumped up.

  ‘Steady now, Elliot, Amelie is only worried for you.’ Theo ruffled the little girl’s hair. ‘Tell you what, Ami, can you go and have one more look in that hedge, we need you to count any nests you can see to make sure we make the right number of cushions. But remember, we mustn’t touch them or disturb them in any way, we can only look.’