by Unknown
Then a thought occurred to me. What was I so upset about? Hadn’t Seth been with me nearly every minute since I got here? Seth put himself out there with his feelings for me loud and clear. Here I was sneaking around, and that answering machine was exactly the wake-up call I needed.
It would be pretty easy to float effortlessly through life with Seth. He was intelligent, with an enormous heart, and he would do anything for me. I couldn’t say that for anyone else I’d ever met.
Then reality set back in, and I reminded myself that I’d never felt any kind of passion for Seth. What was that crazy country song? “You can lead a heart to love, but you can’t make it fall.” I never realized that I would feel the poetic irony of that song. Seth and I had always been so comfortable with one another, like we were a matched set. Why couldn’t I make myself want him?
My anger subsided a little. Why should I be upset about Max’s girlfriend? I wasn’t exactly unattached, and I wouldn’t hurt Seth for any amount of money. The only secret I had ever kept from him was my Destiny dream. Good riddance, Max, and I tossed his card with all his information into the trash.
I fell into a restless sleep. Had I been in my own bed, I would have tossed and turned for hours. As it was, with all these tubes and wires connecting me to more monitors than I thought possible, movement was restrictive. I lay silent, immobile and restlessly asleep. My dreams haunted me throughout the night, full of seafoam green eyes, handguns, and old Army jackets. I don’t remember what woke me up, whether it was a noise or I felt as though eyes were watching me. I startled awake to see Seth sitting silently in the chair. He was looking blankly at the wall, no sound other than his breathing.
Seeing him sitting silently in my room made me smile; that was my Seth. I had no idea what time it was, but was sure it was way before breakfast. “Don’t you ever sleep?” My voice startled him for a second, and just like earlier in the day, he was up in one fluid motion at my side. I noticed that his eyes weren’t as swollen as the last time I saw him. There were dark circles under them, but the white surrounding his irises had lost most of the bright red that had been so evident earlier.
He looked behind him and used his leg to scoot the chair he had been sitting in so it was flush with my bed. Seth had a hopeful look, “I have an idea I want to try, okay?”
I had no idea what he was about to do. There really weren’t that many possibilities, so I didn’t protest. He pushed a button next to the nurse’s call button on the bed’s remote control, and the bed lowered. After a full minute, it looked like the bed was nearly all the way on the floor. He moved his chair so that it was flush against my bed - positioned so that we were facing each other, the chair only slightly lower than the bed. He lowered the bed rail so that it was completely out of the way. He sat in his chair then gently laid his head on me.
Still angry with myself and the whole Max situation, I guiltily tried to make light of Seth’s affection. “I never knew I looked like such a big fluffy pillow lying here in bed.” He opened his eyes, his mood was somber, and he didn’t give me even a hint of a smile. He rotated his head so his face was firmly planted on my abdomen. I couldn’t see his eyes.
I felt him press his face into my stomach. It felt like silent sobs erupting against my stomach, but he said nothing and remained planted against me. I brought both my hands to his head, carefully running my fingers through his hair. Uncertain what to say, I murmured, “Really Seth, I’m fine…I’m going to be fine.” He stretched both arms around me and hugged me tight, tighter than was comfortable, but I didn’t tell him to stop. It began to be difficult to breath, but I didn’t tell him to let go. After a few minutes, I could feel that his emotional implosion had run its course. He took a few deep breaths and rotated his head so he was able to look at me.
My arms were still loosely around him, and my fingertips gently caressed his neck. I felt the need to comfort him, to tell him I was fine. I wished we could go back to normal – closest of friends. Every other girl I knew would kill to have Seth’s heart. I willed myself to smile, but inside I knew the truth: I would never feel the draw to Seth that I had felt for an almost perfect stranger - Max.
Sharing this epiphany with Seth would shatter him. Finally he broke the silence, “Lauren, what are you feeling?” It seemed an odd question. Since obviously I had pain medication coursing through my veins, what was he expecting me to say? I hoped he was asking about the feeling in my leg, the pressure on my diaphragm from his head, or the maze of tubes protruding from both arms. He repeated his question, “I really want to know, what are you feeling?”
“Well, the nurses are keeping me pretty well drugged. I can feel a pressure sensation on my leg, but I wouldn’t say it’s even remotely close to pain. More like when someone kicks you in the shin one day and the next day when you are walking you can feel a tightness at that spot, but not exactly pain. I’m just anxious to get up and walk around.” I saw his wounded expression and knew my answer was way off the mark.
“No” I heard a bit of shakiness in his voice, “I was asking about how are you feeling . . . about me. I’m not stupid. I know you’ve never felt . . . but I need to know if you feel anything.” He held his finger to my lips just briefly so he could continue without an interruption from me. “Lauren, my whole life, from the time I knew what a friend was, you were mine. Over the years you have grown from my closest friend to my entire life. When I got the call Thursday, I nearly ran two cars off the road to get to the hospital to be with you. I was in the waiting room when a nurse told us they had to restart your heart. I realized in that moment that all those years I had just assumed you knew how I felt, how deeply a part of me you were, but I had never told you. I never made you listen. I’m not as articulate as I’d like to be, and I can’t make myself sound like some romance novel, but I’ve done everything I can think of, and I feel like maybe you still don’t feel the same, maybe you will never feel the same.”
He looked away from me briefly, as if the wall behind me was somehow interesting. I was speechless. “Lauren, if you don’t feel the same, I’m okay with that. I just need to know how you feel. I love you enough for both of us, but I just need you to tell me how you feel about me.”
My eyes were completely clouded over; I tried to speak but nothing came out. I used a dry patch of my blanket to wipe the moisture from my cheeks and take a deep breath. The silence seemed to last forever, while the monitors slowly hummed along and the beeps from my heart monitor beeped without a change. Seth hugged my body hard again, and I could tell he had interpreted my silence correctly. He knew I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
I used all the strength in my arm to lift his chin, so he was forced to look at me. “I love you, I always have. Until today, I didn’t know how deeply you cared. I guess I thought you considered me closer to your sister than your . . . ” I couldn’t finish it - girlfriend, lover? “I can’t describe how I feel, because until the accident I thought we were both kind of resolved that we were a couple because it was convenient. It makes Gwen happy, it makes Mom happy, there’s no one on earth I’d rather spend time with, so it was okay, logical even to be a couple.”
Seth could see exactly where this was going and cut me off. “It’s never been out of convenience.”
My voice was still shaky, but this was a conversation we needed to have. “You’re right, but do you really think of me that way? I think my accident scared you and somehow now you think the only way to heal me is to change our relationship around. I’m not sure I want that.”
“I’ve always worried that you just stayed with me because it was comfortable, and I’m not stupid enough to believe that you will ever have a passionate desire to be with me. I’d like to think that maybe I was missing something, and you do feel that way about me, you just aren’t ready for that next step.”
“Seth, I…” I had no idea what I could say. He knew I didn’t feel the same, and he must have been waiting for me to say it. “I do love you. I am not ready for that next st
ep. It really isn’t you, I’m not ready for the next step with anyone.” Great, the it’s not you, it’s me speech. Until I heard Max’s answering machine a few hours ago, I had myself convinced that I was ready for a next step – just not with Seth.
In my mind I had been holding Seth at bay for years knowing that my “Destiny” was out there. My Max. What a joke.
Seth interrupted my thoughts of Max. “I can accept that you don’t feel the same, but until you tell me you don’t want to be with me, I’m going to keep trying to convince you that someday you might. You will: you just don’t know it yet.”
I didn’t want to hurt him, but I didn’t want to be alone either. I struggled for several long minutes knowing that I should tell him now, before he got his hopes up that something would change. “Seth, I love you, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way.”
“You will. You just need a little more time.” He clung to me for what felt like hours, never loosening his grip. Just as I could feel dawn arriving through the window, I felt him slide his hands gently along my sides. His eyes remained closed, but his gentle hands were comforting. I rotated my torso down to kiss the top of his head. He finally released my body from his grasp and gave me a look I had not seen before. Neither of us spoke for a long while.
The last several hours had been excruciating. I didn’t sleep at all and with each passing hour the certainty that there was no way to keep from breaking his heart became all too clear. I’d finally gotten enough courage to tell him that I would never feel that way about him, but he refused to listen.
His eyes were clear, the dark circles under his eyes faded, and he seemed to be excited about something. I braced myself for what he might say next and the likelihood of this moment being the time I would have to rip his heart from his chest. “Lauren, I need to run an errand. Do you have any special requests for me to pick up while I’m out? Maybe a greasy double cheeseburger or something?” His decision to leave for a while and offer to get me a bite to eat took me further by surprise, and the relief I was feeling had to be written on my face.
“I’m always up for a greasy cheeseburger. If you’re near Tasty Burger, stop by and tell everyone that I’m doing okay.” Seth got up, stretched his arms high into the air and then leaned into me with a smile, put his lips to my ear, and whispered, “I miss you already.”
As Seth approached the door to exit, Mom walked in. I could see her surprise at seeing Seth. He gave her a quick hug and told her I was doing better, that he’d be back soon.
She watched him disappear through the door, “Well, I guess I don’t have to ask how you’re feeling. There is a spring in his step, so you must be in pretty good shape! Did he spend the night here after all?”
“I think so. I woke up sometime after midnight, and he was in the chair.”
“I’m so glad, Lauren. I didn’t want to leave you alone last night in this place. I’m glad Seth is less fearful of your wrath,” she added with a smile. “Where’s he off to so early?”
“I dunno. He just said he had an errand to run and asked if I wanted a cheeseburger.”
She shook her head at me and added, “Well, you must be doing well if he’s running errands and getting you greasy food.”
“Dad says to tell you he loves you. Can I get you anything? Fluff your pillow, rearrange your flowers?” She was so nervous she couldn’t even make eye contact with me.
Without sounding too abrupt, I asked, “Okay, Mom, I can tell when something’s eating at you. Are you going to share it with me willingly or do I need to pull it out of you?”
“I’m fine. I’m glad to see you aren’t as groggy as yesterday. Do you feel better?” She seemed upbeat, but I could tell she had something she desperately needed to say.
“Mom, why do you do this? You know I can read you like a book. What’s wrong?”
Her nervous smile subsided, and she admitted defeat, knowing that trying to hide anything from me was fruitless. “Oh, Lauren, we are all so worried about you. What with the television crews camped outside the house and the entrance to the hospital . . . The phone has been ringing non-stop; I had to call the phone company to put a block on our line for incoming calls. The police have come by the house several times to give us updates on their progress. They have a man in custody for shooting you.”
“Really, the police caught him already? That’s great! When?” No one had talked to me about the shooting since it happened, and I was thrilled with this tidbit of information.
“A few hours after it happened, I guess, while you were still in surgery. The mayor’s office called and wants to give you some sort of an award. The police said they need to take a statement from you when you are up to it. I have to confess I’m a little frazzled. Coming to the hospital to see you is the most peaceful part of my day.”
I knew she was telling me what was on her mind, but she still didn’t hit the part that was bothering her. “There’s more that’s bothering you than phone calls and interviews. What else?” I hated dragging it out of her. I wished she would just get it over with and tell me why she was so upset.
“I never could hide anything from you, could I? I look at your indifference to the whole situation - I just don’t know if I should hug you for being so brave or shake you for putting yourself in that kind of danger. What could have possessed you to jump in front of a man with a gun?”
The way she described it, I did sound reckless. “I’m sorry, Mom,” my voice hardly audible.
“I’m not looking for an apology; I just don’t understand. What possessed you to do such a thing?”
“I just knew that guy was dangerous and frustrated with the little kid standing by him. From the time I was little, you told me never to back down from a bully.” The regret I had felt a minute ago was quickly consumed by my conviction that I had made the right decision in an extremely bad situation.
“I never expected the bully you decided to stand up to to be a man with a gun. Sometimes you’ve got to think things through before you act. You came pretty close to getting yourself killed.”
“I know I made the right choice. It’s not like I planned it. I didn’t know I had even been shot until after Wanda locked down the restaurant and carried me to a booth. So, obviously, I wasn’t jumping in front of a speeding bullet; I was just trying to keep the man from attacking a little kid.” Dark irritation was seething through every pore in my body. “Do you know what height a four year old is? Right there,” I pointed directly at my bandaged leg. “His heart was at my mid thigh, right where I was shot. Now what’s worse, me taking a bullet in a leg or a child never living long enough to make it to kindergarten?”
Fury with her grabbed hold of my entire body. It was difficult to keep from shouting at her. I was sorry I had ever asked what was bothering her. “I’m a little tired. Do you mind giving me some room.” I felt my eyes swelling up with tears.
As I did my best to maintain my enraged stare, she looked at me like I had just crossed some imaginary line that our relationship might never recover from. I continued to stare at her, my wrath refusing to subside, “Really Mom, I don’t want to talk about this again, ever.”
Her hurt wasn’t masked in the slightest. She took a step back and stood for a long minute looking at the floor and mumbled very low, “I almost lost you.”
My words still full of fury, “Well, you didn’t . . . but calling me an idiot won’t win you any points.”
Again with an expression that looked like I had just slapped her on the face, “I never said you were an idiot, Lauren. Your life is more important to me than a child I’ve never met.” She paused, knowing this conversation had taken a turn she never saw coming and desperately wanting out of. “The news stations are asking for an interview. Do you feel up to it today?”
“No, give them Wanda’s number.” A light tapping at the door that hung wide open caught my attention. I didn’t recognize the two men at the door who were waiting to be invited in.
Mom pivoted in place and
asked, “Can I help you?”
“I’m sorry to disturb you, ma’am, but I’m Detective Pothier, and if Lauren is feeling up to it, we’d like to ask her a few questions about the events two nights ago.” I motioned for them to come in, and they began what I’m assuming was a well-rehearsed, “soft” interrogation. I shared with them all the details, and, until we got to the part where I was sure a door had slammed, they didn’t take any notes and really didn’t appear to be paying much attention. It turns out everything I relayed matched statements they had already taken from witnesses. Detective Pothier chuckled a little, “You really thought someone had slammed a door?”
The embarrassment I was feeling had to shine through, but I simply nodded and finished the remainder of the interview as quickly as possible. During the course of the fifteen minutes it took to relay the events to the two police officers, my mother had excused herself, so it was just the three of us in the room.
The detective leaned toward me, “Kid, before we got here we already had all the information we needed from eye witnesses. This was merely a formality for the file. Everything you have told us precisely matches the other statements we have taken, well, except for the slamming door. Everyone else seemed to know it was a gunshot but you,” he added with a snicker. “I’m sure you know we have a suspect in custody who says he’s prepared to make a statement that, I believe, will corroborate absolutely everything we’ve learned the last two days.” The detective closed his notebook and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but if you were a man, I could only describe you as someone with balls of steel. I have had the privilege to witness courage throughout my life, but you take the cake.” The look on his face made my chest swell with pride. This wasn’t some desk jockey. This was a veteran police detective telling me how courageous I was. My first inclination was to invite my mom back into the room and ask him to say it again.