by Unknown
A little self-conscious from his kind words, I was only able to follow with, “Well, thanks.” The two detectives both wished me a quick recovery and politely excused themselves.
My mind spun a little on the detective’s choice of words, specifically the one word. Courage. My reoccurring dream haunted me again – Max’s voice echoed in my mind.
“You will not be able to find me until you are on the path to attaining courage. Once you find me, all the information that I share with you now is locked away from me, hidden in my human unconscious mind. You will have to follow your instincts, choose your paths wisely. I know you will recognize me.”
I got goose bumps on my arm and couldn’t help but let my imagination take hold. There was no way this was a coincidence. Was it some sort of prophecy? A million different ideas began to run through my head, not the least of which was even possible. Max wasn’t just in my dream: he really was my destiny. The robbery fulfilled it. My courage had brought me to him, just like my dream foretold.
How could someone I had never met come to me in a dream and tell me about my future? Then when I met him, he was completely unaware of the future he had told me about. Worse yet, that future wasn’t possible because he was already committed to someone else. To top it all off, Seth was all the sudden convinced he loved me in a love kind of way. I closed my eyes in an effort to settle my mind from spinning out of control. All of this had to be a trick of some kind that my mind was playing on me. It had to be.
Chapter Six
Seth didn’t return until late that afternoon, coming in with a suspicious look as he walked to the side of my bed. He put the chair back where he had left it this morning and sat down. His wariness was evident, and he simply took my hand and sat beside me.
With some effort he asked me, “How’re you feeling?”
“Good, what have you been doing all day? I was expecting you hours ago. Did you remember my cheeseburger?” After the detectives left, I had been left to my imagination for hours, and it was a thrill to have an actual person to talk to. Continuing to analyze my destiny dream had only yielded more questions that I would likely never be able to answer. I was beginning to come to the conclusion that the dream, though very oddly timed, was nothing more than that, a dream.
My subconscious saw a handsome paramedic and began filling in details that I didn’t have. His eyes were beautiful, but in my dream, he was sitting across the room from me in the dark; I would never have seen his eyes, no matter how many times I had the same dream. Or would I? The adrenaline and heart racing was most likely a response to our first meeting, a little like Pavlov’s dogs. Having Seth here allowed me to stop over-analyzing the entire situation and was a good way to get back to reality.
He handed me the cheeseburger, “I had to go for a run, clear my head a little. Did you miss me?” Seth was trying to be coy, which was a huge improvement over his disposition last night.
“A run? I thought you said an errand to do?”
“I ran for an hour or so. It had been a few days since I was on the track. It helped me clear my head, then I ran my errand.”
I could see he didn’t want to give me any details, so I prodded him a little, “Oh, is it a secret?”
I heard annoyance in his voice, “No, but I don’t want to talk about that. Molly called Mom in tears saying you kicked her out of the hospital room. Is that true?” Of course, I should have known better than to think Mom would just drop the subject and give me some space to cool off. She called Gwen, Seth’s mom, probably got her all spun up, so Gwen called Seth. Instead of overanalyzing a fantasy all afternoon, I should have spent some time putting this string of events together.
“Kicked out is pretty strong. I wouldn’t say I kicked her out.” Now the annoyance was creeping into my voice.
“Then what would you say?” His accusatory tone sparked the embers from my earlier argument with my mom.
“I would say she was out of line, so I asked her to give me some space. Obviously I couldn’t leave. You need to stay out of this one.” The warning in my voice was clear: this was not something I was willing to discuss, nor felt it appropriate for him to get involved in.
His brow furrowed as he raised his finger, as if accusing me of something, “I hate it when you get like that with her. She only wants to help.”
“You weren’t here, Seth. She didn’t want to help, she… she called me…it doesn’t matter. This doesn’t concern you, so just drop it.”
“I talked to her and told her I’d get you to apologize, so do you want to dial the phone or shall I?” His voice was annoyed, sounding as if he had observed the whole situation and decided that I was in the wrong. This went over like a hot poker to the eye.
“You what!? You weren’t even here. What do I have to apologize for? You must be out of your flippin’ mind!”
“What’s gotten in to you? Your mom is on the edge of a breakdown and you send her away. I’m trying to calm things down, and you tell me I’m out of my mind? You need to realize you are lashing out at the people who love you.”
“Seth, I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, so I’m going to say this before I say something I’ll really regret: I want you to leave. I want you to go home. I don’t want you to come back to the hospital. I don’t want my mom to come back to the hospital. I know I’m being unreasonable; maybe it is the drugs, maybe I’m just exhausted. I refuse to have this argument with you or anybody else.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Maybe I’m not being clear through all the politeness.” With every bit of baritone I could muster in my voice, I yelled, “Go home!” I know my eyes were wide and my hands were shaking. This was the closest we had been to a real fight, ever. I might regret it, but I needed him to go before I blurted out something I couldn’t take back.
His response was unemotional and simple, “Nope.”
Adrenaline coursed through my veins, anger escaped every pore of my body, and strangely enough everything I saw took on a red hue. Although I had never had this type of response to anything in my past, the fury I felt at this moment completely engulfed me. I willed my mind to find a happy thought of some kind that I could latch on to, but I came up empty.
Seth interrupted my attempt at Zen with, “You can be as big a bitch as you want. I’m staying put. Let me know when you’re ready to call Molly.” He took my remote and started flipping through channels.
In a calm voice, so there could be no mistake on his part, “I will have you removed.”
It was his turn to display his temper, and he issued me a challenge. “You wouldn’t dare.” He looked straight into my eyes as he delivered his message.
“This is your absolute, very last warning. Go home now while we are still on speaking terms. Stay any longer and I’ll call the nurse.”
“You’re acting like a child. Grow up.”
With the fury I felt pulsating through me with every heartbeat, I pressed the, “call the nurse” button on the bed’s remote and waited for her to arrive.
A nurse came into my room, “Yes, Dear.”
In as syrupy sweet tone as I could manage, I responded directly to her, “I know this is going to sound crazy, but I am unable to get my visitor to leave. Would you mind taking him off my visitor list and ask security to get him out of my room?”
Seth’s eyes were ablaze, and if there had been any doubt, it was obvious this really was our first fight. I knew he thought I was bluffing, and when I so pleasantly requested his forcible removal, I could see he was finally taking me seriously. The nurse wasn’t certain whether this was some kind of a joke or if I was serious. “Lauren, are you sure? Seth has been here nearly every moment since you got here.”
Seth turned to the nurse and asked, “Give us a minute?”
The nurse looked at me, not wanting to get in the middle of our quarrel. I stayed stoic, not wanting to acknowledge that even a minute was acceptable. She nervously told him, “Seth, I think
just a minute, go ahead and say your good-byes.”
“I know you’re in pain, and I really think you are striking out at the wrong people. Your mom doesn’t deserve this treatment and neither do I. If you want to play the ‘poor little me’ card, I’m only too happy to let you wallow in your grief.”
“I’m not playing that card; in fact, I was defending my actions to my mom when she told me how selfish I was by jumping over the counter. I would have to say that my action is likely the least selfish thing I’ve done my whole life, so don’t pretend that you have any idea what happened between her and me. How long have you known her? How many times has she embellished a situation to make herself look like the good guy? A lot, right? So when I tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about, I mean you don’t know what you are talking about!!”
Seth gave no response, but I knew I had struck a chord.
“You know I’m right, so why automatically assume I’m the melodramatic one?”
“I don’t think you’re being melodramatic, but I kind of agree with her. I mean, what were you thinking? You didn’t even know that kid. Did you have a death wish or what?” And there it was, no pride in the sacrifice I was willing to make for a stranger. No acknowledgement that I had quickly surmised the situation and gotten as many people out of harm’s way as possible. No admission that I had showed any level of courage. If this was truly how he felt, we really were at an impasse.
I knew there was no need to argue. He’d never see my action for what it truly was - a valiant effort to do what was right. “A death wish? No, not even close. Maybe you don’t care that I did the right thing, but I know I made the right decision.”
“I know you put a stranger above your family and me.”
Without one ounce of emotion, I simply declared, “I don’t have anything more to say.”
“Yeah, I guess I don’t either. I will be back in the morning and you will not be ugly to me. Do you understand?” His forceful tone took me a little by surprise. Seth leaned into me, kissed me lightly on my forehead, then whispered in my ear, “I miss you already.”
After Seth left, I turned on the television. I didn’t want to overanalyze this conversation, the one with my mother, or the dream that kept replaying in my mind. Instead I watched mindless sitcoms.
Several hours went by and the low illumination coming through my windows changed to pitch black. Without even realizing that I had drifted asleep, I woke up to someone standing in my doorway.
The figure realized that he had awoken me and quickly raised his hands from his sides to in front of his chest with his palms facing toward me. He looked as if I was holding him up with an imaginary gun. He whispered from across the room, “I’m sorry, oh I didn’t mean to wake you.” He paused for a minute, I guess waiting to see if I was going to scream or say something. When I didn’t say anything, he continued with a little more volume but still barely over a whisper. “Hi, Lauren. I’m so sorry. I really didn’t mean to wake you. I just finished a call at the hospital and thought I’d check on you before I got back to work.”
It was Max. That first night in the restaurant or maybe in the ambulance I noticed that he was handsome, but standing in my doorway in the dimly lit room, he was mesmerizing. The dark hair and tanned skin were what I had noticed before. As I looked at him again, he was tall and very muscular, his biceps over stressed the seam of his shirt. His uniform fit him perfectly. I caught myself imagining how amazing he would look at the beach. Before I let my mind run wild, I remembered the message on his answering machine from yesterday and a cold chill washed over me.
“I’m good.” The iciness in my voice was evident, and I could see his reaction immediately.
He stood for a second at the doorway as if he were in conflict with himself, then walked the ten feet over to my bed. Still barely louder than a whisper, “I just wanted to say hi. I checked your chart at the nurse’s station. You should be released tomorrow. Any big plans?”
I could tell he was nervous, and I did nothing to ease his anxiety. The same frosty tone as before, “No, I’m just ready to get out’ta here.” I didn’t dare make eye contact with him because if I looked into them, I wouldn’t care about Missy anymore. I looked at his hand and didn’t see a ring, so at least he wasn’t married. I’m sure his girlfriend would be thrilled to know he creeps into other women’s rooms in the middle of the night to watch them sleep.
I could hear the tension in his voice, “I can tell this is a bad time. I’m sorry. I’m a big time night owl and just assume everyone else is, too.” I felt him looking right at me as I kept staring off. “I’ve got to get back to the bus. I’ll see you later?” When he asked, I couldn’t help but look at him, reflexively but I quickly compensated for my momentary lapse and looked back down at the bed.
“Yeah, sounds good.”
Max stepped away from the bed, and I felt dread gripping me. There was no way that I should feel this conflicted, but I did. I was furious that he had penetrated my subconscious, not happy that he encouraged me to call him when he knew he wasn’t available, and now he stopped by in the middle of the night, for what? To see how I was? He read my chart before he came into my room, so he already knew I was doing fine. Did he know I wouldn’t be able to get any sleep now? I ought to give him a dose of his own medicine and ask him to call me at Seth’s house.
The iciness in my voice from a minute ago was replaced by a tone of resentment. Although it would have been easy to let him escape and blame my annoyance on the late hour, I decided to let him know that I knew about Missy. No sense missing my opportunity for ticking off all three of my visitors in the same day. He was at the door when I asked, “Hey, Max?”
He stopped dead in his tracks, still with his back to me in the threshold of the doorway. He angled his neck slightly and answered, “Yeah?”
“Okay, I know this is none of my business, so it’s okay if you don’t want to answer,” though clearly in my mind it was not okay for him not to answer.
Max pivoted so he was facing me but didn’t budge from the doorway. “No, go ahead, ask me anything.” He sounded so sincere. I wished I could ignore the shape of his body, the color of his eyes, or the warmth of his smile.
“Who is Missy?”
“Missy?” A pause without any expression on his face, “Who do you mean?”
Anger welled up within me ready to spill over now, “The Missy you live with!”
Max smiled widely. His expression was without a doubt, smug. He waited for a few seconds and responded in the most loving, heartfelt voice, “She’s my best girl.” He walked toward my bed as I felt my own heart plummet. His best girl? How many did he have? He didn’t even attempt to deny her or make up some sort of a story. Without missing a beat he was pulling his wallet out of his back pocket, “I just had these printed the other day. We were at the park a couple weeks ago. You gotta see her. She’s beautiful.”
I looked down out of curiosity at what kind of supermodel she must be for him to be so enamored with her. He had one of those plastic pocket inserts for pictures opened to a picture of him with a golden retriever lying on the ground in a park with a ball. My embarrassment was dreadful, and he really seemed to be enjoying it. The buoyant look he gave me made me feel ever so small.
“Well, don’t I feel like an idiot.” I felt my face flush a deep red. He was smiling at me as if he had played the funniest joke on me, and I had never felt more humiliated and thrilled in the same moment in my whole life. “When I called you and got your answering machine, and heard your message, it didn’t occur to me that Missy wasn’t a person. I guess I jumped to the wrong conclusion.”
“Missy’s the greatest. The minute I walk through the door she makes me feel like I’m the most important human in the world. She snuggles with me at night, well, I guess, I work all night, so she snuggles with me during the day. She’s a great listener. I can tell her anything. So the female I live with runs on four legs – I guess that part of your conclusion was a bit
off.” He smiled a warm smile at me as if my question about Missy really pleased him.
“I feel stupid. I’m sorry I didn’t think to ask you like a normal person.”
“It’s okay. Is that the only reason that you weren’t too happy to see me tonight?”
“Yeah, pretty dumb, right?”
“No, it isn’t dumb at all, kind of flattering to tell you the truth. If I were living with a girl, why would I give you the number to my house? What kind of loser does that?” His smile held and I was thrilled that he zeroed in on exactly why I was so angry. The fact that I didn’t have to tell him why I felt the way I did was refreshing. Then Max’s tone changed from jovial to serious, and he asked, “As long as we are asking personal questions, you wanna take a turn?”
Feeling pretty good about the world in general at this moment, “Sure, anything.”
“Who is Seth to you?”
Bam, punch in the gut! I can feel that however he knows about Seth, this question has been eating away at him as well. How should I answer this? “I don’t know, why do you ask?”
Frustration appeared on his brow. His voice was slow but steady, “I came by last night to check on you, and he was practically sleeping in bed with you. I asked the nurse who he was, and she said he was your boyfriend.” With this his gaze left me and went to the floor, “Well, is he?”
Not wanting to lie to him, I uttered both words carefully, “He is.”
Hurt, disappointment, regret, I couldn’t tell, but I wanted to crawl in a hole when his humor from minutes ago evaporated in front of me. “Oh, well then…Cool. I guess I’d better get back to work. I really am glad that you are doing so well.”
Before he had a chance to turn and walk away, I reached for his hand and blurted out, “Max, you don’t understand. Will you let me explain?” Max nodded, but the look on his face didn’t waver. My urgency to keep him from leaving was accompanied with focused effort to make him understand, “Seth and I live right next door to one another. Our mothers were best friends in high school and bought houses next door to each other. They got pregnant two months apart. It has always just been assumed that we are together. He’s my best friend, and I know he thinks of me as his girlfriend, but I don’t think I am.”