Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1)

by Aimie Grey

  “What did you do to her kid?”

  “I was being a dick to Madison and asking questions about the kid’s father. Turns out Peyton’s father had passed away. I should have known; I’d only read the academic part of her file, though.”

  “Hold on a sec.” She took the phone away from her ear and spoke to someone in the room with her. “Tate just got back.”

  “Do you need to go?”

  “No, I told him that I waited for him, so he has to wait for me. So, you made Peyton cry. Then what happened?”

  “I was angry at Madison and myself. After I found out that Peyton was okay, I left her with the guidance counselor and took Madison to the supply closet. I said some things I’m not proud of and ended up fucking her against the door,” I admitted with shame. “I could tell she didn’t want it. I just needed to fuck her out of my system, so I could move on.” I knew she wanted to tell me no, even though she never said the word. I’d gotten her so hot and bothered she couldn’t refuse.

  “Did it work?”

  “No, it just made me want her more. I am so fucking confused about all of this. I have no idea what to do. I can’t decide if I hate her or want her or both.”

  “Wow, men really are stupid,” she said with disappointment. “I wonder how many school rules you broke tonight, not to mention you probably blurred the lines on a few laws.”

  “What can I do to fix this?” I pleaded for her to have the answer I desperately needed, feeling as if my entire life was on the line.

  “Let me talk to Tate. Hold on a second.” I could hear muffled voices as she relayed the story.

  “You still there?” she asked a minute later. I responded affirmatively. “We think the best thing would be to mitigate the damage. She’s probably too embarrassed to say anything to the principal, so you should be okay as long as you don’t make it worse.”

  I sighed in resignation. I’d fucked up beyond repair. “How do I keep it from getting worse?”

  “Keep your distance. Only talk to her when necessary, and keep it strictly professional. Try to keep your conversations about Peyton to email and phone calls. It’ll be good for you both to have time and space to gain perspective, and let the negativity dissipate. You’ll need to apologize eventually, but don’t force it until the time feels right.” She paused, listening to Tate speaking in the background. “Tate says to keep your dick in your pants.” I could hear a small commotion on the other end of the phone.

  Tate took the phone away from her. “Del didn’t say it right. Never take your dick out of your pants when you’re about to get laid. If you let her do it, she has another chance to make sure she wants to go through with it.” Tate made sense; I just hoped he hadn’t learned that bit of wisdom with my sister. “By the way, you did it wrong. You don’t fuck the woman you want to forget in order to get her out of your system. You need to bang a hotter chick to get over her.”

  “I doubt I’ll ever find anyone hotter.”

  “Then I’d say your screwed, and not in the good way.”

  *

  I’d always loved the first day of school. Even though they didn’t want summer to end, the kids radiated energy and excitement. A new year meant a clean slate, complete with a blank grade book, new friends, and a teacher that had never made them skip recess because they misbehaved. I had to soak up the fleeting joy while it lasted.

  Per my usual beginning of the year routine, I started the day with introductions. I asked everyone to go around the room and tell the class their name, favorite subject, what they did over the summer, and an interesting fact about themselves. I went first.

  “My name is Mr. Ramsay, and my favorite subject is math. Over the summer I moved here from Los Angeles.” I hadn’t planned what I was going to say, so I paused for a moment to think of an interesting fact. “An interesting fact about me is that my sister is a famous movie star.” The kids raised their hands to ask questions. I pointed to Carly.

  “Who is your sister?”

  “That’s a secret,” I replied, regretting my choice. Surprisingly, the kids let it go.

  “Do you have any kids?” Sarah asked.

  “Yes, I have twenty-two second-graders.” They laughed at my lame joke.

  Eager to get the focus off of me, I had Brianna start the rest of the introductions. “My name is Brianna. I like science the best. Over the summer, my dad and I went on vacation to Florida. My interesting fact is I want to be a doctor when I grow up, like my daddy.”

  I discreetly kept an eye on Peyton while the other kids spoke. She stiffened when they talked about their parents, and fidgeted more and more as her turn approached. She fought to calm herself when it was her turn to speak. “I’m Peyton, I like gym, and my interesting fact is that I’m really good at football.”

  Unfamiliar pride filled my chest at her show of bravery. Her response wasn’t complete or very creative, but she got through it without showing an ounce of fear.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Madison

  The paralegal who helped me fill out the guardianship petition had told me several times that I needn’t worry; he was certain I would be able to keep Peyton until Olivia came home. Even with his reassurance, I was still nervous as I sat in the cavernous courtroom. My clammy hands were clasped and my ankles crossed in a feeble attempt to remain still. The rapid clicks of the stenographer’s keys kept pace with my racing heart.

  I tried my best to listen to every word that was said; however, the tingling in my chest and the knot in my stomach made it difficult to focus. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my precious little girl.

  “Madison Emilia Miller’s guardianship of Peyton Ann Miller is hereby extended until December thirty-first of this year.” The judge turned her attention to me. “The Department of Child Services will contact you in the next fourteen days to begin a home study. This guardianship order can be revoked at any time if DCS determines the living situation is unfit for the minor child.”

  The echo of the judge’s gavel through the grandiose room was the sweetest sound I’d heard in a long time. Every ounce of tension that had wreaked havoc on my body for the past few weeks was released when I exhaled the breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding. The battle was over, and now I could concentrate on keeping everything together for the next few months.

  “Thank you, Your Honor,” I said. I gathered my belongings as Ethan waited impatiently for me on the other side of the half-wall that had separated us during the hearing. As soon as I was through the hip-level door, he pulled me into a bear hug, lifting me off of my feet.

  “This is fantastic,” he said as he swung me around in his strong arms.

  “I feel like splurging. Want to grab lunch at the cafeteria before we head back to work?” I asked.

  “I would hardly call hospital food a splurge.” He scrunched his nose and stuck out his tongue. He was absolutely adorable.

  “Anything that isn’t cereal or toast is a splurge for me,” I said, only half-joking.

  Hand in hand, we walked the six blocks to my house. It was a beautiful day. For those few, peaceful minutes, I could pretend my life was perfect.

  Once we were at the house, we changed out of our court attire back into our scrubs. “It’s kind of cruel to strip in front of me,” Ethan said when we were both standing in my bedroom in our underwear. I admired his hard body for a moment before I realized not every part of him was hard.

  “I know you think you want me back, but I don’t believe you truly do. You should go sow some wild oats—explore other options. Maybe then you’ll realize that I’m not who you really want to be with…not like that anyway.”

  “I’m going to keep trying,” he said, looking deeply into my eyes. “I can’t lose you.”

  “You won’t lose me. We’ll always be friends. We’ll always share an amazing history.” He ripped his eyes away from mine as I spoke. “You left me for a reason. You need to reconcile those feelings.”

  He was quiet as we finished getting
dressed. My heart ached for the pain he felt because of me.

  “Let’s go eat,” I said to break the tension. “I’m starving.”

  We headed to the kitchen and left through the back door. “You really do have the best commute ever,” he said with a small smile.

  “You just want me for my house,” I joked. His body stiffened; it was too soon for humor. “It is great, but it will suck in the winter when there’s two feet of snow out here,” I said as we made our way across the backyard.

  He held the gate open for me as I stepped through to the emergency room parking lot.

  We made our way to the building through the sea of parked cars. I felt a distance between us that hadn’t been there earlier in the day. We walked into the air-conditioned hospital in silence and took the stairs to the second-floor cafeteria.

  “How’s Peyton doing in school?” Ethan asked around a mouthful of pizza. It was the first thing he’d said to me since right after we’d left the house.

  “She seems to be doing okay so far, but she hasn’t been given any homework yet. It’s only the third day.” I stuffed my face with the last bite of my dry cheeseburger.

  “What do you think of her teacher?” he asked. I was grateful my full mouth gave me a minute to think.

  “He didn’t seem very prepared. I don’t think he read her file before back-to-school night. I emailed the guidance counselor yesterday to make sure they knew about her accommodations.”

  “Let me know if you want me to go down there and talk to him. Peyton has a hard enough time; the last thing she needs is an apathetic teacher.”

  Ethan getting into a confrontation with Mr. Ramsay—Sawyer—was the last thing I wanted. “I will. I think it’ll be okay, though.” I wiped my mouth and tossed the napkin onto my tray. “We should probably get down to the ER. I can’t afford to miss any more hours this week if I’m going to finish the program on time.”

  “You’ll be fine. You have a few months to get all of your hours in.”

  “I know. I just don’t want to have to get stuck trying to squeeze them all in at the end.”

  “You need to stop worrying. Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.”

  I admired his confidence. I wish I had some of my own. “I’m not so sure about that. I’ve been having some incredibly strange luck lately. I wish I could say it was all good.”

  “Everything happens for a reason. What you think is bad luck, might be the universe’s way of giving you what you need.”

  “Since when are you so spiritual?” I asked.

  “Since I foolishly let you go and haven’t been able to win you back. I have to believe there is a reason for it, or I’d go insane.”

  I needed to go at this from a different angle. “I know you love me, just like I love you…but are you in love with me?”

  “What’s the difference?” he asked.

  “If you don’t know, then you probably aren’t. Sometimes, I wonder if we ever were truly in love with each other. We were apart most of the time we were a couple. I would think if we were truly in love, we would have made more of an effort to be together.”

  “All I know is that I want to be with you.” His eyes were sadder than I’d ever seen them.

  Ethan really was a wonderful man. He always had my back, even when he didn’t agree with me. He would do anything for Peyton and me. I had no doubt he would lay down his life for us. He may have caused my greatest heartbreak, but I knew it was his greatest regret. I wished I still loved him the way he deserved to be loved. We could have a happy life together if I did.

  “I know.” I had no words to help him understand how I felt. I gathered my trash and stood from the table. “We’d better get to work.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Madison

  Saturday was my favorite day of the week. Peyton and I loved our weekly trip to the city to visit Olivia. We usually sang along with the radio and played word games during the hour-long drive. This week, however, Peyton was in an inquisitive mood.

  “What’s my abuela like?” she asked.

  “You know her. You video chat with her all the time.”

  “I know, but it’s not the same. I wish she would move here with us.”

  “She loves you very much, and she wishes she could be here.” I decided to indulge Peyton with facts I’d shared with her dozens of times before. It always made her feel better to hear them. “She likes to cook and sew. She also loves to dance,” I answered. Peyton was quiet with thought.

  “Why did she go back to Spain?” she asked.

  “Because her mommy was sick, and she needed to take care of her.” My mother left for Spain right after I turned eighteen. She took care of my grandmother until she passed. When Mami was ready to come home to the States, she ran into issues with finances.

  “What about Grandpa?” This was the first time she’d asked me about my father, although I was sure Ryan had talked about him before. “How did he and Abuela meet?”

  “Your grandpa was a soldier. He met my mami, your abuela, when he was stationed in Europe.”

  “What happened to him?” she asked.

  I hated my answer to her question. “When his time in the military was over, he signed up to be in the reserves. When I was ten, he got called for duty and died fighting in a war. He was a hero.”

  “Do you miss your daddy?” she asked.

  “Very much. I was my daddy’s girl, just like you were your daddy’s girl.”

  “Did he teach you how to play football?”

  “Your daddy taught me everything I know about football.” I smiled as I remembered Ryan’s pride when I finally got the hang of timing my routes.

  “I miss my daddy,” she said with a shaky voice.

  “I miss him, too, baby. He loves you more than anything and would have never chosen to leave you, just like my daddy didn’t choose to leave me. I know they still watch over us.”

  “Like guardian angels?”

  “Yes, exactly like that.”

  I was relieved when I put my Camaro in park outside of the skilled nursing facility, a.k.a. rehab center, where Olivia was staying. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could fight back my tears.

  As usual, Peyton took off at full speed the second her mother came into view. The facility was beautiful, but not excessively so. The most important thing was that it had the best team of medical professionals in the state. Olivia deserved the best care possible, so I didn’t protest when she used Ryan’s life insurance to pay for what her health insurance didn’t cover.

  I strolled leisurely through the indoor garden to give them a few moments of privacy. I admired the vibrant colors of the leafy plants that surrounded the stone paths and made a mental note to find some for Dad and Ryan’s graves.

  Peyton sat on Olivia’s lap with her momma’s arms wrapped tightly around her small frame. I was a few feet away when Olivia’s gaze met mine.

  “Good to see you, sis,” I said as I reached out to her. She held my hand in one of hers as I took a seat beside her on the concrete bench. She kept her other arm firmly around her little girl. I gave her fingers a gentle squeeze.

  “Thank you so much for coming to see me every week. I know it’s a long haul out here.” She pressed a noisy kiss to the top of Peyton’s head. “I miss you both so much.” Her grip tightened on my hand.

  “There’s nowhere else we’d rather be.” Her eyes lit up at my words.

  “Tell me about your first week at your new school.” Olivia gave her daughter another smile.

  “It was okay. My teacher is really nice, because he doesn’t make me talk when I don’t feel like it. Next week, we’re going to take a big test and then go to the park. Mr. Ramsay said I can teach everyone how to play football.”

  Peyton looked up at me with mischievous eyes. “Yesterday, I forgot my lunchbox in my cubby, and when I went back to the room to get it, I heard Mr. Ramsay on the phone. He told the lady that he couldn’t wait for her to meet the class. He said he
might have the parents come meet her, too,” Peyton whispered, as if she was spilling government secrets. “Then he told her he loved her.”

  My heart stuttered at her words. I would not be making a trip to the school to meet his fiancée. “You are such a gossip,” I said as I ruffled her hair in an attempt to hide my reaction. “I have no idea where you got that from.” I gave Olivia a poignant look over Peyton’s wild curls and suppressed a laugh.

  “Oh, I made a new friend! Her name is Brianna. She says we fit together ‘cause she only has a daddy and I only have a mommy. Can she come over to play?” Peyton asked me with her best puppy dog face. She climbed into my lap. “Please, please, please?” I couldn’t refuse even if I wanted to.

  “Of course, as long as your room is clean.” I had to get something out of the deal.

  “Yay! You’re the best, Mama!” She hugged me tightly.

  I turned my attention to my sister-in-law. “Brianna’s dad is Charlie Morgan. You remember him from school, right? He’s a doctor in the intensive care unit at the hospital.”

  Olivia’s eyes widened. “Wow, I can’t believe he grew up to be a family man and a doctor nonetheless.”

  “I know. I think he faked the dumb jock routine in high school to get the cheerleaders’ attention.” I covered Peyton’s ears with my hands. “He’s even hotter than he was back then,” I whispered. Giggling with Olivia felt just like old times.

  Olivia looked between Peyton and me. Her eyes saddened.

  “Hey, Pey,” I said as I pulled my phone from my pocket. “Why don’t you call Brianna to find out when she can come over?”

  “Yay!” she exclaimed. I dialed Charlie’s number and handed her the phone. She scampered off to a bench a few yards away.

  Olivia chewed on her thumbnail and diverted her eyes. “How did it go at court on Wednesday?”

  “The judge extended my guardianship through the end of the year.”