Changed

by Heather Dahlgren

  Maddie comes in my room a little while later with pizza. I don’t want to eat. The thought of food makes me sick to my stomach, but I need to. I’ve lost enough weight. We all sit on my bed with paper plates and pizza. I nibble at it and listen to the girls talk about life outside of this apartment.

  “Kenz, Friday is your last day of work. Do you want to get a drink after to celebrate?” Maddie asks.

  She’s been trying to get me to go out the last couple of days. I’m just not ready. “I don’t think so Maddie. I’ll probably be too tired.” I don’t deserve to go out and enjoy myself. I broke Campbell’s heart along with my own.

  “Sweetie, you know we are behind you in whatever you do, but I think you need to get out of this apartment, for things other than school and work.” I know she means well, but I just can’t. The thought of seeing him out has tears stinging my eyes.

  “Don’t Kenz. I’m not trying to upset you. I just think you need to have a drink, relax. Get your mind on other things.” I can’t hold my tears back anymore.

  “I can’t think of anything else. I miss him so much he consumes my thoughts. He is the other half of me, he holds my heart. I’m destroyed. Don’t you understand! I did this. I caused this because I was to fucking scared to tell him who I was!” I cover my face with my hands and try to cry out all my pain.

  “Kenz, you can’t keep punishing yourself. You did what you thought was the right thing. Everyone knows you never meant to hurt Campbell.” Maddie says while Becca rubs my back. I snap my head up because now I’m getting pissed.

  “No, Maddie. Not everyone knows. You’re right I didn’t mean to hurt Campbell, but I did. He doesn’t see it the way you do. I’m a lying bitch to him. Shit!”

  The girls don’t say anything for a while.

  Finally, Maddie says, “Kenz, I’ve been supportive and understanding for two weeks.”

  “Shut up, Maddie.” Becca says.

  “No. I’m sorry but I can’t keep my mouth shut anymore. You’re doing this to yourself, Kenz. You’re making yourself suffer. All you have to do is talk to him, but you refuse to. You just assume that he hates you, but you haven’t tried to see if that’s even true. Instead of sitting here all the time feeling sorry for yourself, you should be trying to fix things with him.” I can’t remember a time in my life that I’ve been so angry.

  “Both of you get the fuck out of my room.” I angrily say. My hands are in fists, my nails digging into the palm of my hands.

  “Kenz, I didn’t mean to piss you off. I’m sorry.”

  “Sweetie, we just want you to feel better is all.” They both try to explain to me. It’s too late I can’t handle it.

  “GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. NOW!” I scream at them.

  They both get up and grab the pizza and empty plates. Becca walks out first. Right before Maddie walks out the door, she turns to face me.

  “Kenz, I love you, but you need to get your shit together.” She walks out of the room not even waiting for my response.

  After the girls left, I lie in bed trying to calm down. I know the reason I am so fucking pissed is because they are right. I should talk to Campbell. I should be doing everything I can to try to fix things with us. I’m just too scared. I can’t face him, seeing the betrayal and hurt in his eyes. I roll onto my side and face the window. I can see the bright lights of the city and it makes me ache to be a part of it again. Maybe Maddie is right. Friday after work, maybe I will meet them at the bar for a few drinks. Who knows that could be just what I need. Liquid courage.

  The rest of the week is much the same. I go to school, come home, and go to bed. The girls have been going out so I don’t even have them to sit with me. I am feeling sorry for myself and I fucking hate it. I promised myself I would never be that weak girl again, yet here I am. Only now, it’s worse than it ever was. This time I’m grieving the loss of my relationship with Campbell and my best friends. I climb out of bed and decide this stops now. I walk out into the living room, and it is so quite with no one here.

  In the last year, there has been a steady flow of laughter, yelling, and teasing from this apartment. I miss it all so much. I go to the kitchen to grab a water and hear something in the hallway. I open the water while walking to the door. I look through the peep hole, drop my water to the ground, and sink to the floor. I should never have looked out there. Campbell, Young, and Dick were all out there. Going out for the night, I assume considering how hot they all looked. Seeing Campbell after this long has me physically sick. I run to the kitchen sink and throw up what little food I have in me.

  I have no one to blame but myself for the agony I am in. They are probably going to the bar, where there are women, women all too happy to jump in my spot next to Campbell. I stand up straight.

  “Fuck that. I’m not going to sit around here anymore.” I say out loud to no one. I go straight to the shower before bed.

  It’s Friday morning, I have no class today just work. I walk out of my bedroom, to get coffee and talk to the girls. The both look at me with wide eyes.

  “Shut the fuck up. Yes, I got out of bed. I’m not any better, I still feel like I lost my heart. But, you guys were right. I need to change things. So, after work tonight I will meet you guys at the bar. I’m not making any promises that I will be great to be around, but I’m trying.” I go to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee when both girls come running at me. I turn just in time for both of them to slam into me, knocking all of us to the floor.

  “Thank you for trying Kenz. That’s all we ask.” Becca says hugging my left side.

  “Yea, Kenz. We just want you to feel good about yourself again. I’m so fucking excited about going out tonight. I promise I’ll make sure you have a good time.” Maddie says hugging my left side.

  I don’t know what I would do without these two. They have stuck by me for almost three weeks now, without much complaining. They hugged me when I cried, held my hair back while I was sick, and never judged me.

  “Thanks guys for everything you’ve done for me lately. I love you both.” They hug me tighter and we all fall backwards. They start laughing and for the first time in weeks, I feel a smile hit my lips.

  I finished work for the last time. Everyone was sad to see me go, but I stayed longer then I needed anyway. I’m at home finishing my makeup. I came home to shower before meeting up with the girls. It feels good to do my hair and makeup. I’ve been wearing ponytails and buns with minimal to no makeup. I look at myself in the mirror feeling good that I look like myself again. I go into my bedroom to get dressed. I put on a pair of skinny jeans, a strapless emerald green shirt, and my favorite heels. I open my jewelry box to get out some jewelry and my mood shifts when I see the necklace Campbell gave me. I take it out and sit on my bed. I am holding it in my hands, admiring how beautiful it is. It makes me realize that I can pretend that things are better, but as long as we are apart, things will never be. I miss him more every day. I decide that I am going to wear the necklace. When I put it on it brings tears to my eyes. Not sad tears though, happy tears from the memories I have of the last year. I need to try to fix things with him. I have to at least apologize for lying to him.

  I put on my bangle bracelet and silver earrings to finish off my outfit. I look at myself before I leave. I look great. My hair is perfect, makeup flawless yet the sad look in my eyes is clear. Without Campbell, I think this is how my eyes will always look; empty and sad, just like my heart. I shake my head to clear my thoughts. I’m supposed to be going out to enjoy myself. I’m going to get my drink on and hopefully laugh a little. I grab my purse, toss some money and my ID in it, and head out the door. I walk out of the apartment complex and text Maddie telling her I’m on my way.

  I am walking to the bar enjoying the warm night air. I feel myself starting to actually like the idea of being out tonight. I think being out is just what I need. I know that after tonight I am going to talk to Campbell. I am feeling more determined the closer I get to the bar. I will get in touch with him and
try to figure this whole mess out.

  “Kenz?” I’m pulled from my thoughts when I hear my name. I look up and see Joe, my friend from school. He just came walking out of the bar.

  “Hi, Joe. How are you?” I really don’t feel like making small talk with him. He has been trying to get me to go out with him since he found out Campbell and I were not together. He is being persistent and I have had enough. I’ve been nice, but maybe that’s the problem. I just need to tell him that I’m not interested in him that way. He comes stalking over to me, I can tell immediately that he is completely trashed. Great this should go wonderfully. He stands right in front of me and I can smell the liquor on him.

  “Kenz, what are you doing tonight?” Here we go.

  “I’m going to have a girl’s night, Joe.” I try to be as short as possible hoping he takes the hint.

  “I think you need to ditch the girls and come home with me.” He gives me what I assume is supposed to be a sexy grin, but looks like he is trying to eat his upper lip!

  “No, I don’t think so Joe. I’m going to hang out with my girls.” I try to get around him and he grabs my arm tightly. I look up at him with what I’m hoping is fire in my eyes.

  “I don’t think you heard me, Kenz. I said you’re coming home with me.” His hold gets tighter on my arm when I try to pull it away.

  “Joe, let me go before I fucking scream and cause a scene. Is that what you want? I am not interested in you like that Joe. I’m sorry.” I try again to pull my arm away but this time he pulls me and slams me up against the brick wall. Now I’m scared. I open my mouth to scream and he slaps his hand over it.

  “Don’t think about it. Now, I said I want you to come home with me. I’m done playing these fucking games with you, Kenz. I want you in my fucking bed once and for all. Stop being such a cock tease. Speaking of cocks, wait until I fuck you, you’ll be screaming my name. Now, I’m going to move my hand and we are going to walk away together. Got it?”

  My heart is pounding in my chest and tears are running down my face. I never would have thought Joe would be an evil person. He removes his hand and I just get out “Help” when he slaps me so hard my head smacks back on the brick.

  “I told you not to do that Kenz. Why the fuck are you making this so difficult?” He has his huge body pressed against mine, pinning me to the wall. My head is pounding, my face hurts, and because of my strapless top, the brick is scratching my back. It all hurts so badly, but I can’t figure out how to get away from him. Unless I let him think I’m leaving with him, and run the other way. It’s risky because I’m not sure what he’ll do but I need to try something. To any passerby we look like a couple pressed against each other. No one is paying attention to us.

  “I’m going to say it one more time. I want you to come home with me. Alright, sweet girl?”

  I almost throw up from his sicklysweet voice. I nod my head, hoping this is the right decision.

  “Yes? You’re going to let me fuck you?”

  I can’t help the tears as I shake my head again. He removes his hand but doesn’t back up right away. He’s testing me to see what I’ll do. His eyes have a far off look in them and it scares the shit out of me.

  “Ok, let’s go, sweetheart.” He backs up just enough for me to fit through. I don’t get two steps away when I feel my hair being pulled so hard my head jerks back.

  “HELP! PLEASE!” I scream.

  He pulls me back against him by my hair and once my back is to his chest he holds his hand over my mouth again. He is so fucking strong I can’t move. Everything happens so quickly I don’t have time to react. He spins me to face him, grabs me by my shoulders and pushes me full force back into the brick wall again. My head cracks against the brick with a sickening sound. My vision is starting to get blurry from the force of the hit. I start sinking down to the ground, but he grabs my hair to hold me up. I am in so much pain, I can’t even manage any sound. Once he has me standing again he grabs my shoulders and slams me against the wall again. My head hits again and I start to black out. I feel his hand across my face when he tells me to look at him, but I can’t lift my head. He pulls me toward him one more time before I meet the brick again. I have no control of my body anymore and this time when my head connects with the brick I black out. The last thing I hear before my body falls to the ground is Maddie screaming my name.

  I am sitting at the table in the bar a nervous wreck. I hope Maddie is right, that Kenz will be happy to see me. I can’t do it anymore. I need to see her, to hold her to tell her how much I love her. After I left her apartment door that one day, I was determined to fight for her. That’s what I’m doing now. I’m going to do whatever the hell I have to do. I’m picking at the label of my beer when Maddie looks over at the door again.

  “I wonder what is taking her so long?” I don’t like how she says it. It makes me get a bad feeling that something happened to her.

  “Relax, she is probably just taking her time getting here.” Young says.

  “Maybe she changed her mind about coming and went back home.” Becca suggests. I look over at Maddie.

  “How long ago did she text saying she was on her way?” My nerves are gone replaced by fear.

  She checks her phone and says, “Almost twenty minutes ago.” I jump up in my seat ready to run out and find her.

  “Stop, don’t go running out like that. If she sees you before she comes in she might go back home. I’ll go look outside, she probably found someone from school and is talking to them. I’ll be right back.” Maddie goes to look outside, but I can’t sit back down.

  I have a sick feeling in my stomach that something is wrong. She goes outside and Dick says, “Relax man. She’s fine.” I look at him and just nod my head.

  Seconds pass and Maddie screams, “Campbell, oh my God, help!”

  In my life I have never ran so hard and fast. Not when I played football and the team was counting on me, not when my dog was hit by a car, not even when my dad was in an accident. I feel like my own life is in danger. I push people out of my way to get outside faster. I run through the doors and see Maddie on the sidewalk holding a lifeless Kenz in her arms. I run full speed to get to them. My knees give out when I reach them and I fall to the ground next to them.

  “What the fuck happened? Did you call 911?” She is sobbing and rocking my beautiful girl in her arms.

  “Give her to me.” I take Kenz out of her arms and hold her against me. She has blood all over her head, face, and back. She is pale and her face looks like its swelling. I hold her to me and realize I am wailing. I’m on my knees rocking her.

  “The ambulance will be here in a minute, man.” Dick says. I don’t notice anyone, I just stare at my girl.

  “Please baby, don’t leave me. I’m so sorry for all the pain I caused you. Please don’t leave me. I love you so much. I need you. I can’t lose you.” I repeat this over and over, kissing her forehead. I hear the ambulance pull up and the sound of police officers telling everyone to back up.

  “Son, we will take it from here.” I look up to the kind eyes of the EMT.

  “I can’t. I can’t let her go. Please.” I am sobbing my body shaking with fear.

  “We need to take her, it’s the only way we can help her. What’s your name?”

  I kiss her forehead again and say, “I’m Campbell. This is Kenz, umm, Kennedy. Please, please don’t let her die. I can’t lose her.” Another EMT comes over with the gurney.

  “Campbell, we are going to have to take her from your arms now. We are only going to put her on this gurney and get her to the hospital. The faster we do that, the faster she gets the help she needs.”

  I hug her tighter and kiss her forehead then her lips. “Okay.” I whisper.

  They wrap a neck brace around her neck before they move her. When they lift her from my arms, I lose it.

  “Kenz!” I am screaming her name, tears pouring down my cheeks. I watch as they place her still lifeless body on the gurney and begin checking her
over quickly.

  “Campbell, go with her. Dick and I will bring the girls and meet you there.” I turn to look at Young and he grabs me in a tight hug.

  “She’s going to be fine man.” His voice cracks when he says it. I pull back and nod at him. I turn to see them wheeling her to the ambulance. I run to catch up.

  I wait while they load her in and then jump in with them. “Campbell, you can sit right here.” I sit down where he instructed me to, watching them check her more thoroughly. “Campbell, can you tell us what happened?”

  We are driving to the hospital now and I just want to get there faster. I clear my throat. “Um, no. I was in the bar and her friend went outside to see where she was. She screamed for me to help her. When I went outside she was holding Kenz in her arms.”

  He gives me a shake of his head.

  They are talking medical terms that I should be familiar with, but I’m not really listening. I am staring at my girl. I reach over to hold her hand that is strapped down. I rub my thumb over her knuckles over and over again. I lean forward and place a kiss on her palm.

  “There is a lot of blood. Do you know where it’s coming from?” I ask without taking my eyes off her.

  “Looks like most of it’s coming from her head, but it’s hard to tell if that is the only place until she gets cleaned up better.” I close my eyes against the pain I feel. She was attacked. Some worthless piece of shit attacked my girl. This is why I hated her walking home at night by herself. I was always scared something would happen to her. I feel the ambulance stop and I open my eyes to look at her again.

  “Alright, Campbell, we are going to be taking her out in a few minutes. You’re not going to be able to come back with us, you’ll have to wait in the waiting room. I will tell the doctor that you are out there and to come talk to you when he can. Okay?”

  I look up at him with pleading eyes. “Please, don’t let anything happen to her. She’s the love of my life.” Tears begin to fall again knowing that I am going to have to let go of her hand soon.