Where Women are Kings

by Christie Watson

  The world became very slow and the air sticky to breathe. ‘And you knew this?’ Obi’s hand was on her arm. ‘Acid? Poison? You knew this and didn’t disclose it?’

  ‘No, we didn’t know the extent of the abuse,’ said Ricardo. ‘Maybe we never will. We only know what the birth mother has told us, because a lot of it may have happened when Elijah was preverbal.’

  Nikki’s head was spinning. She would like to kill her son’s birth mum, and whoever else was involved. She imagined what Elijah looked like as a baby, how frightened he must have been. She thought of Elijah’s face. She felt sick rise in her throat. Everything blurred. She was terrified of what Elijah had been through, of how that would show itself. And she was even more terrified of losing him.

  ‘Our son,’ Obi said. She looked at his face. Obi, who was so sure of himself, who was sure of everything and the centre of safety, Obi was terrified. Nikki could see it then. ‘He’s our son,’ said Obi. ‘He’s with my dad until he can come home later today. He’s not going back into care.’

  The new social worker sat up. She kept fiddling with a piece of her curly hair, winding it around her finger and then letting it spring back. ‘Nobody is sending Elijah back into care. And that would have to be a decision led by you.’

  Ricardo nodded. ‘It sounds as if you’re both committed to having Elijah home as soon as possible, no matter how difficult the challenges you’ve faced.’ He smiled at Nikki.

  But she was concentrating on Obi. His face was blank. He opened his mouth to speak but then closed it. Nikki felt her heart beat in her neck.

  Chioma spoke. ‘Right. This is good. You’re angry and sad and a little frightened: that’s completely normal. And I for one agree that you need to see more information if this is ever to work.’ While Chioma was speaking, the social workers’ pens slowed down, as if even pens were affected by her hypnotic voice.

  ‘I’ve got to know Elijah very well during our sessions and I’ve also been in touch with Doctor Peters, from C.A.M.H.S. – who sends his apologies for not making this meeting.’

  ‘C.A.M.H.S.?’ Nikki sat up.

  ‘Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service.’ Mike spoke for the first time. He was a thin man with acne scars and tired, grey eyes. ‘We had Elijah assessed by the team shortly after he arrived at our house. He’s had a psychiatric evaluation before, of course, but, in view of what happened, we had him reassessed in case he needed admitting.’

  ‘Admitting?’

  ‘Doctor Peters reviewed him,’ said Chioma, her soft voice calming down Nikki’s heart. ‘And he felt that we are doing everything right.’ She reached across the table and touched Nikki’s hand. ‘You are doing everything right. But Elijah needs more intensive support, and Doctor Peters wants to see him in clinic to discuss treatment options, which may include medication, though Elijah is still very young.’

  ‘What do you think?’ Nikki pulled her hand out from underneath Chioma’s. People kept touching her hand as if it would help.

  ‘Well, as a team, we’ve discussed things and we think – I think – it’s so difficult to unpick. Elijah may have mental-health issues, but it may all be down to attachment. And the best treatment is play – funnelling care as you have been: make sure that you are the only ones that cuddle Elijah; if he’s hurt, then you make it better; play with him constantly. He needs to feel safe and know he’ll be living with you forever, no matter what.’

  Obi looked up then. ‘What about his delusions? I mean, he thinks he’s a wizard, for God’s sake. Surely that is a mental-health problem?’

  ‘Well, he’s very young and he’s been told that he is a wizard, we think, by people he trusts. But he’s also acting out traumatic experiences. He’s hurting very, very badly and he’s doing exactly what he did with the fire. He’s starting to feel safe, and attached, and wants to test to see if you’ll send him away.’ Chioma looked at Nikki and then back at Obi. ‘Everyone in his life has sent him away.’

  Obi sat up straighter, pulled his shoulders back. ‘We’ll never send him away.’

  ‘Then you have to make him believe that.’ The other social worker stopped writing. ‘If this placement is to work, we’ll need regular reviews and involvement from C.A.M.H.S. as well as you, Chioma. We can offer you a structured programme of support, both practical and financial help, if required.’

  Chioma looked at Obi. ‘And it’s important to understand that, even with the best will in the world, sometimes placements break down. And it’s nobody’s fault. Some children are simply too damaged to be able to cope in a family setting.’

  Ricardo spoke quickly. ‘But we don’t want that to happen here. And we’re a long way off from that discussion, in my opinion. Of course, Elijah reacted badly to the pregnancy news – worse than we thought – but we can help you through this. I’d suggest that it’s high time we show Elijah his life-story work, and start going over his history with him: show him photographs, tell him all about his birth family. He’s been so resistant to it in the past, but I think we have to really push him now. It might help or it might not, but we have to try this. I can provide some support.’ He rubbed his face. ‘I’m still working two jobs, covering my other manager who’s on sick leave –’ he smiled ‘– but, whenever I can, I will come here to do the life-story work with you.’ He nodded. ‘There really was nothing we kept from you. I’ll try and get you access to the birth mother’s health reports, at least, and I agree with Chioma: be open and honest with Elijah, about everything. He needs to understand Deborah loves him, but is mentally ill. That she put an idea in his head, but it was a bad idea, wrong, and all he has to do to make the wizard go away is to stop believing in it.’

  Nikki looked at them all around the table and hugged her middle. Her breathing slowed down. She thought of the baby inside her, of how she’d ever tell the baby and explain what nearly happened. She felt a kick. The baby was strong. A strong baby: Nikki knew that, was certain of it. But Elijah was not strong at all. She wanted him with her, on her lap, in her arms. She wanted to whisper in his ear that she loved him and that it would be OK. She wanted to take away the pain he’d suffered, the abuse.

  ‘We just want him to come home.’ She thought of the dogs beyond saving, the ones who had been so abused that there was no chance they would survive. The ones who were taken from the rehoming kennels and put down.

  Obi kissed her hand. His hand was steady and strong, his kiss firm on her skin. She held her head up. A look passed between them that she would remember always. It was Obi’s eyes looking to hers to see what to do. She realised, for the first time, that she would have to be the stronger one. That her strength made Obi stronger.

  THIRTY-FOUR

  Granddad didn’t wait for Mum and Dad to come over with Ricardo to pick Elijah up and take him home. ‘There’s nothing wrong with your legs, is there?’ he asked.

  Elijah shook his head.

  ‘Come on, then.’ He tucked Elijah’s coat around his shoulders and they walked out into the day. Granddad watched Elijah pinch his nose.

  ‘What’s all this nose pinching, Elijah?’ Granddad smiled and took Elijah’s nose between his thumb and forefinger. ‘The wizard’s gone. I checked – remember?’

  Mum opened the door and rushed out, pulling Elijah towards her, lifting him off the ground. ‘Elijah!’ She kissed his cheek and pressed his back towards her. He felt the hardness of her swollen belly. ‘Ricardo’s here,’ she said to Granddad, reaching through the gap between Elijah’s arm and body. ‘You should have waited for us to collect him.’

  ‘Well, we’re here now,’ said Granddad. ‘Anyway, I’m going home. Call me later.’

  He gave Elijah’s shoulder a squeeze and turned to walk away, but Mum ran after him, hugged him and kissed his cheek before he left. Then she walked back into the hallway and picked up Elijah’s hand. With his other hand, he pinched his nose and he kept his mouth shut. He would not let the wizard escape.

  At the kitchen table sat Dad and Ricardo. The k
itchen curtains were half closed and it made the room look different. The air was yellow and Elijah could see specks of dust dancing around in front of him. Dad jumped up and hugged Elijah and pulled him on to his lap. Elijah tried not to cry and no noise came out but huge tears rolled down his cheeks and on to Obi’s shirt.

  ‘Do you want a juice, Elijah? A biscuit?’ Mum kept touching, asking if he wanted things. He shook his head.

  ‘I think we need to get talking straight away,’ said Ricardo. ‘What do you think happened, Elijah?’

  Elijah shut his mouth so tightly that he bit his tongue. He focused on the pile of papers that Obi had left on the table beside his laptop computer, which was shining silver.

  ‘I think that you thought the wizard stabbed Mum. I think that’s what is going on in your head. But I want to tell you now very clearly that there is no wizard. Wizards are simply not real.’

  Elijah crumpled in half. He pinched his nose shut completely. Mum rushed over and pulled his hand from his face. ‘It’s OK, Elijah. It’s OK. We can all get through this. Me and Dad love you so, so much and nothing will ever change that. Nothing. You’re home now. You’re safe now. You can make the wizard disappear completely by just not believing in it. It doesn’t exist if you don’t believe in it.’

  Wizards are real, Elijah wanted to shout.

  *

  On Tuesday, Ricardo came round again. Elijah wasn’t at school because the doctor said he should have two weeks off. Ricardo wore jeans with a rip on the knee. ‘I’m sorry your appointment with Doctor Peters was cancelled last week. I understand you’re going on Monday? Anyway, I’m sorry you haven’t had the appointment yet because I’m afraid today is going to be a difficult day,’ he said. ‘We’re going to look at a very special book and I need to start telling you a story. It’s a very special story because it’s your story, Elijah – your life story. And I know that you’ve done some life-story work in the past, but this time we’d like to do more. I know you had a special life book at Nargis’s house and that you didn’t want to read it then, which is fine. But now we think it’s very important that you start to read the book with Mum and Dad. Very important.’

  Dad’s hand was Elijah’s back and they were sitting on the comfortable sofa. Mum was sitting next to him, the other side, with her arm around him too, on top of Dad’s. Her arm was freezing cold. Even though she was right there next to him, he felt alone.

  ‘I don’t want to.’

  Mum lifted her hand up and stroked his hair. ‘It’s OK,’ she whispered.

  ‘I know you don’t, Elijah. Nargis told me how you found life-story work very, very difficult. Most children find that it really helps, you know. We’re going to read a little bit. Just a bit. It might help you to stop being scared.’

  ‘Is it about Mama?’

  ‘Some of it. But most of it is about you. And most of the time Mum and Dad can read it through with you, but I thought it might be nice if I’m here while we read the first bit. Today we’ll just read through a tiny section of the book and then I’ll tell you any hard words and then we’ll stop. OK?’

  Elijah didn’t nod his head but he didn’t shake it either. Ricardo took the book out from his big bag. It was blue plastic on the outside and had stars on the cover. Elijah’s photo was on the front page and he was smiling, but Elijah remembered that day. Darren had held him down on the ground and pushed his face into the mud and, with his other hand, burnt him behind his ear with a cigarette. Nargis had taken dozens of photos. She had said that some were for his life-story work.

  Elijah looked at his life-story book. He turned the front page. At the beginning was a photo of Mama. She had a round tummy and he was inside it. His eyes burnt. He wanted to climb inside that photo and right back inside Mama’s tummy. In the photo, Mama was not smiling and her arm muscles were hard and tight, her legs bent slightly. She looked as if she wanted to run away.

  Elijah. You were born at Lewisham Hospital, weighing eight pounds and two ounces. You were a healthy and happy baby boy. This is your birth mother, Deborah. You grew inside Deborah’s tummy.

  Ricardo turned another page. There was a photo of a man wearing clothes like the clothes that Granddad wore, only the man in the photo was blurred and Granddad was always bright.

  This is a photo of your birth father, Akpan, who died when you were very small. Akpan was tall and had soft skin, just like you. Deborah says that he liked jazz music and he used to play the saxophone.

  Elijah looked up at Dad. He didn’t want to cry, but there was something very sad about the picture of the saxophone that Ricardo must have found and stuck on to the page below Akpan’s photo. His birth father did not look like Dad at all.

  ‘Your reading is getting very good, but some of the words are super-hard so I will read this next bit out,’ said Ricardo. He looked at Elijah and smiled, but Elijah couldn’t smile back. His heart was stabbing him.

  When you were a baby, the doctors and nurses had some worries about your birth mother, Deborah. She found it difficult to cope with looking after you because she was very confused. You were a lovely baby and she loved you very much but, even though she loved you, she found that it was too hard for her to keep you clean and safe and warm, like you deserved, and like all babies deserve. Your Mama, Deborah, has an illness in her brain and that means everything got jumbled up and it was difficult to know what was real and what was not real. It was hard for her and hard for you too. You didn’t have the things that babies need because Deborah couldn’t give you those things. She didn’t give you enough milk, or keep you clean, and she didn’t cuddle you to show you how much she loved you. And the illness in Deborah’s brain got worse and worse until she had voices inside her head that weren’t really there and they told her to hurt you. You were a good baby, just like you ARE a good boy. You liked to smile and play and cuddle, but you didn’t get the things you deserved and so you became confused and sad. It is not your fault that Deborah couldn’t look after you. You deserve LOVE and to be SAFE and to live forever in a FAMILY.

  Elijah rocked back and forth. He wanted to close his ears because he knew Mama could keep him safe and he knew Mama loved him. Mama knew that babies needed milk and cuddles and clean nappies. They had it all wrong. Mama would never ever hurt a baby.

  Dad stood up and walked to the window, looked out.

  ‘Shhh,’ said Mum. She stroked his head and he closed his eyes and he rocked and rocked until he heard Ricardo shut the book.

  *

  They went to Chioma twice a week, so it felt like Elijah was seeing her all the time. They played with the sand and, when they went to clean it up at the end, Chioma stopped them. ‘Can you leave it, Elijah?’

  He looked at her.

  ‘I can read sand,’ she said. ‘Just like how some people can read tea leaves, I can read sand – it tells me how you are, deep inside your body.’

  He looked at the sand. There was nothing different about it. They’d built a few castles and other shapes. But something made him put his hand out and mess it up and the castles were quickly flattened.

  ‘Elijah!’ Dad shouted. ‘That was silly.’

  Chioma didn’t shout. Instead, she said, ‘Also, I’m really good at reading why children do things.’ She smiled. ‘Wow, Elijah, you really don’t want me to see inside your body, do you? You must feel like something very bad is inside you. Ricardo told me how you think there’s a wizard.’

  Chioma looked at Elijah. But he didn’t want to talk to her about the wizard.

  She didn’t wait too long for him to answer, but opened the door and said, ‘Excellent work today. I’ll see you all next week.’ Mum looked at Dad and they both raised their eyebrows.

  *

  That evening, they were all together and Elijah was trying not to think about Mama, but she kept popping into his mind like a giant star. He thought of the book that Ricardo had – a book full of reasons he couldn’t live with Mama. It was very hard, but he would do anything to make Mum smile. ‘I will l
ook at it, if you want me too,’ he said.

  If only he could make the wizard go away for good. If Mum and Dad sent him away, Mama would never find him. And if he had to live in a children’s home then she’d never be able to live with him. Only children could live in children’s homes. He wanted Mum and Dad to love him again. He wanted to be a good big brother. And, most of all, he needed Mama. Only Mama could save them all from the wizard. He remembered Ricardo telling him that he’d tried to hurt Mum, but he knew it was the wizard that had tried to hurt Mum and his own baby brother or sister. He hated the wizard more than ever. Elijah put his ear to Mum’s round belly and he felt her smile.

  She squeezed his back. ‘Knew it would help,’ she said.

  Dad nodded. ‘Every week we’ll read a little bit more and it will help you to understand.’

  Elijah looked up.

  ‘What is it?’

  Elijah made his tummy hard. ‘Can I go to church with Granddad? I think he will let me.’ He knew that Granddad’s church would be safe. He would pray and pray and try to fight the wizard himself. Maybe he would find a Bishop who would help him cut the wizard out.

  Mum and Dad flicked their eyes at each other.

  ‘You tried going to church with Granddad once before and it just made you even more scared …’ Then Mum’s eyes found Elijah’s. ‘OK, if it will help.’

  They listened to the show on the radio about tigers, who were the biggest and strongest cats in the world. A mum tiger sensed danger and carried the baby tiger in her mouth until it was safe. ‘Tigers must love their babies a lot,’ he said. And Mum pulled him closer and, when she did, the wizard was quiet. It couldn’t even laugh.