My Future Ex-Girlfriend

by Jake Gerhardt

  Before I knew it, they were discussing some nonsense about bringing New York City to Penn Valley and having a talent show to raise funds for an undetermined and undeserving charity. It sounded better to me than taking a dirty yellow school bus to New York City, especially since Sharon wouldn’t be with me.

  I moved on and ran the meeting quite smoothly and professionally. (Mr. Porter should have been taking notes to see how it is done but instead slumbered in the corner.) We began to split up into smaller groups so I could delegate many of the responsibilities and be more efficient. I asked for volunteers for the various committees, and they were filling up quickly.

  “One of our last committees will be,” I said, looking down at my notes to get it correct, “the spirit committee. This committee will be responsible for building up excitement for the event.” When I looked up from my notes, I saw Sharon’s glorious smile and her hand waving bravely. I lovingly pointed to her.

  “Great. Sharon Dolan.”

  And then one more hand, the hand of the treacherous, the lecherous, the insidious Ralph Waldo. I ignored him.

  “Now for our next order of business—” I started, but was rudely interrupted by Ralph.

  “Excuse me, but I would like to volunteer for the spirit committee.”

  “It’s been filled,” I said nonchalantly, then looked down at my papers and pretended to write something.

  “By whom?” Ralph Waldo called out shooting up on his feet.

  “Excuse me?” I said.

  “Who has filled the position for the spirit committee? I only saw Sharon Dolan’s hand go up.”

  “I am going to be on that committee as well,” I explained. “So you see, the position is filled.”

  Ralph Waldo refused to take his seat and yelled, “Point of order! Point of order!”

  His shouting woke Mr. Porter.

  “What now, Ralph?” Mr. Porter asked.

  “It is clear that the president will not serve on a committee but will oversee the committees’ work. That is the main role of the chief executive,” Ralph explained.

  “What are you saying, Ralph?” Mr. Porter asked.

  “I want to be on the spirit committee,” he said.

  “Fine.” Mr. Porter sighed. “Duke, please put Ralph on the spirit committee.”

  “Of course,” I grumbled.

  Ralph returned to his seat with a triumphant grin. But it wouldn’t last long, for within seconds Knuckles and Moose descended upon him for a good old-fashioned thrashing. Mr. Porter was next in line for an attitude adjustment. He would’ve been better off sleeping through the meeting rather than meddling in my affairs.

  CHOLLIE

  When I get to school this morning, I go right to Coach’s office, and sitting there on the floor is the letter I wrote to Miranda. Boy, am I lucky no one visits Coach and that he never cleans his office.

  Of course I have to stick around and talk to Coach for a bit, and when I get to science class, Mrs. Stempen is already teaching, even though the bell hasn’t rung yet. So I don’t have a chance to give Miranda the letter, and the more I think about it, I figure maybe I should just give up on it. I also have a problem remembering dates, so I’m not sure what date I wrote on the letter. And if I put the wrong date, Miranda might think I was lying yesterday. It certainly isn’t easy having a girlfriend.

  At lunch I sit with Miranda and her friends in the cafeteria. They’re very excited about the end of the year. And there are so many events that we’re going to be super busy. I hardly get a chance to talk, which is fine with me because I really don’t understand all the stuff Miranda and her friends are talking about.

  I walk Miranda to class after lunch, keeping my hand near the letter in my back pocket.

  “Thanks for walking me to class, Charlie,” Miranda says. “I’ll see you at the student council meeting right after school.”

  “Okay.”

  I can’t wait for the final bell to ring. When it does, I run off for the meeting. Miranda is waiting for me outside the auditorium, and we walk in together.

  The meeting starts as soon as we take our seats. Duke Samagura, this pretty uptight guy who might have had a crush on Miranda at one point, tells everyone that the eighth-grade class trip has been canceled because of insufficient funds. There’s sort of some groaning, but that’s about it. And then Miranda takes over.

  First, Miranda stands. And then she waits. When the groaning stops, she speaks. It’s something to see, let me tell you. It’s like when Stephen Curry has a hot hand and you just know you can’t stop him.

  First she asks, “If we can’t go to New York City, why don’t we bring New York City to us?”

  Everyone is quiet.

  “I mean, what do they have in New York City?”

  I don’t think anyone has an answer to that. I can only think of the Knicks and Yankees and Mets. And it’s not like we were going to see them on our class trip. And the Giants and Jets play in New Jersey, and we weren’t going to New Jersey.

  I guess everyone is thinking like me, that there’s really nothing in New York City.

  Finally someone yells out, “Art exhibits!”

  “We’ll have an art exhibit here, but the work will be by Penn Valley students.”

  Sam Dolan yells out, “Comedy clubs!”

  “We’ll make our own comedy club here. And the entertainment will be Penn Valley students.”

  Someone else yells out, “Broadway shows!”

  “We’ll do it better here. But with . . .”

  And everyone shouts, “Penn Valley students!”

  And does Miranda really get on a roll after that. She takes over the meeting, and suddenly, everyone is shouting out ideas. Pretty soon everyone volunteers to help, and it’s decided tickets will be sold to raise money not for the school but for some wonderful cause, like starving children or refugees or something like that.

  Before we know it, we’re going to have the entire school and community there!

  It’s awesome sitting there and watching my girlfriend get everyone all excited to work together. It’s kind of like she’s a coach and we’re her team. Then I remember that I have a real coach and I’m late for baseball tryouts. And even though Coach yells at me, I’m still thinking about Miranda the whole time.

  SAM

  If you know anything about Penn Valley, you know that Mr. Lichtensteiner is the vice principal and he takes his job very seriously. His mission in life, it seems to me, is to keep the student body from having any fun.

  It’s the first week after spring break and Lichtensteiner has got ants in his pants again. You’d think he’d be relaxed after spring break, but not him!

  He stops me after school on the way to the student council meeting.

  “Where are you going, Dolan?” he asks, and I can see he has recently eaten a granola bar.

  “I’m going to the student council meeting. If you’ll excuse me, I’m running a little late.”

  “You’re not on the student council.”

  It really burns me up when Lichtensteiner acts like he knows everything about me. It’s true I’m not officially on the student council, but a bunch of us are volunteering for the end-of-the-year activities. God forbid Lichtensteiner know that.

  “I am today,” I say, and walk around the big lunk.

  “Listen here, Dolan,” he says. “I know Foxxy got dumped by Holly Culver. I’ll be watching you two very closely, very closely. Got it?”

  Does this man have problems or what? I think he’s still upset about the toilet paper incident. That was when he decided to take all the toilet paper out of the boys’ bathrooms because someone was throwing wet toilet paper on the walls. I led the rebellion to get our toilet paper back, and the whole thing culminated in me bursting into a student council meeting to give a speech about how toilet paper is a right. Lichtensteiner
isn’t the kind of guy to forget something like that. But this afternoon I just keep on walking toward the auditorium.

  The room is pretty crowded, but Erica has a seat saved and she waves me over. Just as I’m about to sit down, Foxxy snags it, so I have to sit behind them.

  I lean forward to say hello, but Foxxy is already talking Erica’s ear off.

  “What’s she doing with him?” he asks Erica as he points to Holly just a few rows ahead of us.

  “I don’t think they came in together,” Erica says, trying to reassure him.

  “Forget about it, Foxxy,” I say, and even though I feel like Lutz for saying it, I add, “besides, there’s plenty of fish in the ocean.”

  Erica looks back at me, and she’s shocked. She’s really shocked.

  “Wow, Mr. Sensitivity.” Then she puts her hand on Foxxy’s shoulder. The hand that should be on my shoulder. The hand that should be in my hand. “Would you say that about us if we were in this situation?”

  Foxxy and Erica both look at me, waiting for the answer. That’s when I notice my sister Sharon is sitting next to Erica, and she looks back and she’s waiting for an answer, too.

  I figure I’m better off just leaning back and listening to what everyone has to say. But I tell you this, I’m getting sick of Foxxy palling around with my girl. And I’m always sick of Sharon.

  The meeting finally starts, and Duke (a total dork) tells us we’re not going on a class trip. Then everyone starts talking about having some kind of big talent show instead. And I shout out we should have a comedy stage, and everyone thinks it’s a good idea. But I can’t stick around too long because we have tryouts for the baseball team. I say good-bye to Erica and she promises she’ll get us on a good committee together.

  When I get up to go, Foxxy and Erica look back at me.

  “Bye,” Erica says.

  “We’ll be sure to get you on a committee with us,” Foxxy adds.

  Okay, so all that is typical. But you’ll never guess what happens next. As I’m walking toward the locker room, I start thinking about the meeting. And then I really start to think about this talent show. And then I walk right past the locker room and out the door and walk all the way home, completely blowing off baseball tryouts.

  The entire time I’m thinking about this talent show. Can you imagine how much fun a talent show would be with everybody doing something and then having me come out, make comments on the previous act, and then introduce the next one? I can even write some skits for me and Erica to perform.

  But before I get to that, I have got to figure out what to do with Foxxy. If I don’t get rid of him soon, I’ll never have a chance to be alone with Erica, let alone emcee a talent show with her.

  So here’s my five-point plan of attack:

  Find Foxxy a new girlfriend. That shouldn’t be too hard, since obviously Holly Culver used to see something in him.

  Keep Foxxy busy. I’ll talk Foxxy into signing up for a lot of committees.

  Spend some time helping Foxxy get his act together. Tomorrow teach him how to use a fork and knife at lunch, and we’ll talk about his personal hygiene.

  Get Foxxy back together with Holly Culver (if first plan doesn’t work). Maybe when she said she never wanted to see him again, she was overexaggerating.

  Okay, so I have a four-point plan, but it’s a start.

  4

  Freewriting

  Duke Vanderbilt Samagura

  1 April 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: With only ten weeks left until commencement, your years at Penn Valley Middle School are coming to an end. Write about either what you have accomplished in the last three years or what you want to accomplish in the last ten weeks. Or both!

  Sir:

  A more apt question would be what have you accomplished? You, Mr. Minkin, who have wasted numerous hours with your “freewriting”? You and your superficial interpretations of literature, which obviously come directly from the textbook or whatever you can find on the Internet. What have you accomplished? Very little, I must say.

  I, on the other hand, have accomplished a great deal at this school. Indeed, Penn Valley Middle will be the worse for it when I move on to Penn Valley High.

  I have:

  Starred in the school’s production of The Pajama Game, single-handedly improving the integrity of our theatre department

  Stepped up to the plate to lead our school as the student council president after Miranda Mullaly’s resignation

  Assembled an awesome yearbook

  Won the heart of the delightful Sharon Dolan

  I will:

  Add the finishing touches on the eighth-grade dance

  Figure out how to put on NYC Nights in less than nine weeks

  Finish up strong to win the not-very-prestigious top grades award

  Write and give an unforgettable commencement speech

  Keep an eye on Ralph Waldo

  And of course enjoy and savor these last ten weeks here with Sharon Dolan, the beacon of light in the benighted world of Penn Valley Middle School

  Pretty daunting, isn’t it, Mr. Minkin? Aren’t you glad you’re an indolent English teacher instead of Duke Vanderbilt Samagura?

  Sam Dolan

  April 1st 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: With only ten weeks left until commencement, your years at Penn Valley Middle School are coming to an end. Write about either what you have accomplished in the last three years or what you want to accomplish in the last ten weeks. Or both!

  Hey Mr. Minkin,

  Cool question. It’s hard to believe we’re in the final ten weeks. Doesn’t graduation seem really far away but also really close at the same time? Freaky if you think about it. It’s sort of like waiting and waiting for Christmas and then you blink and it’s January and you’re back in school.

  I don’t think I’ve accomplished much in the three years other than getting a girlfriend. I mean, the toilet paper rebellion isn’t really an accomplishment. And starting a fire (by accident!) in the science lab is not an accomplishment either, even if people were happy the school was evacuated and we were on the news.

  So instead I will concentrate on the next ten weeks. And what an exciting ten weeks they will be. Here’s my plan:

  1. Get rid of Foxxy. I started on this today by showing him how to use a fork and knife during lunch. He only ate half of his lunch (spaghetti) with his fingers.

  2. Take Erica Dickerson to the eighth-grade dance and figure out how to get a ride so someone other than my parents drives us. (Maybe her dad’s a nice guy and wouldn’t mind giving us a ride?)

  3. Figure out something awesome to do for the talent show. I’m thinking Erica and I should do some kind of sketch comedy like on Key and Peele.

  There are some other things I should add, like keeping my nose clean and avoiding Lichtensteiner. And I guess I should stay on top of my classwork and all that.

  There’s so much to do I’m just about ready to jump out of my seat and get started.

  Wow, Mr. Minkin. I mean, wow!

  Chollie Muller

  April 1, 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: With only ten weeks left until commencement, your years at Penn Valley Middle School are coming to an end. Write about either what you have accomplished in the last three years or what you want to accomplish in the last ten weeks. Or both!

  Dear Mr. Minkin,

  If you would’ve asked me this question a couple of weeks ago I would have been depressed answering it. I was going around constantly worried and nervous, trying to remember my one line and dance moves for the school play and feeling pressured about how to ask out Mirand
a Mullaly. It sure wasn’t easy.

  Now that that’s behind me I’m feeling pretty good, though I can’t say I’ve really accomplished anything. But that’s all right, because like you say, we have ten weeks to go.

  What I would like to accomplish is to win the baseball championship and not mess up like I did during the football and basketball championship games. We were so close and I was the one who was in position to secure victory. Can you imagine fumbling when you’re going in for the touchdown or missing a game-winning free throw? It’s a really terrible feeling.

  So baseball is totally what I’m looking forward to and winning the championship trophy and then putting it in the trophy case and coming back to see it. I could even bring my kids here (when I have kids) and show them the trophy. Now that would be a totally awesome accomplishment.

  Top it all off by going to the eighth-grade dance with Miranda and I’ll feel like I accomplished everything I’ve dreamed of.

  Miranda Mullaly

  April 1, 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: With only ten weeks left until commencement, your years at Penn Valley Middle School are coming to an end. Write about either what you have accomplished in the last three years or what you want to accomplish in the last ten weeks. Or both!

  I can’t believe there are only ten weeks left in the year. It seems like just a few weeks ago I felt there was nothing at Penn Valley I’d miss. But now that Charlie and I are a couple, I suddenly feel there are many things I will miss. Isn’t that strange?

  Before Charlie (B.C.?) I would have just thought about grades and being on the student council as accomplishments, but now, I don’t know, they just don’t seem to matter as much.