Bottling It (A Wayfair Witches' Cozy Mystery #1)

by A. A. Albright

  The minister hesitated. Everything about her actions told me she was pausing purely for show. She was dying to reveal the murderer. After a moment, she said, ‘All right then. But only because it’s you. Hah!’ Justine beamed at the camera. ‘Just my little joke. I’m happy to share this information with you, Sandra, and with the whole of the supernatural world. Only by sharing, and coming together, can we overcome the sort of attitude which has led to these latest tragedies. So it is with the heaviest of hearts that I reveal the identity of the crazed criminal behind all of these murders. And that person is … Mildred Valentine.’

  Sandra let out the sort of gasp that told me she’d already known. ‘Mildred? Valentine?’ She looked at the camera. ‘Well, you heard it here first folks. Mildred Valentine, current favourite for presidency of the Irish vampire enclaves, has been arrested tonight for the murder of three people, and the attempted murder of many more. Tune in after the break for more exciting news.’

  My mother switched off the TV and sighed. ‘Well,’ she said, standing up. ‘I guess we know for sure now. Who’s for a cup of tea?’

  13.An Empire of Berrys

  The next morning, I was just on my way out when Max arrived home. His shaggy hair was even shaggier than usual. His eyes had bags under them.

  ‘Morning,’ I said in my pleasantest of tones. Always best to be pleasant after a row, I find. It usually makes the other person feel a lot worse. Cruel, maybe. Fun, definitely.

  ‘Um … yeah,’ he replied, somewhat sheepishly. He was holding a carrier bag, and he nodded to it. ‘I got you a breakfast burrito. Mushrooms, beans, tofu scramble. It’s my fave. Thought it’d make up for me being such an idiot last night.’

  ‘Oh, were you an idiot last night? Gee, I didn’t notice.’ I checked my watch. ‘I don’t have time to stay and eat, but the burrito sounds great. Can I take it to go?’

  He looked a little disappointed, but handed me the wrapped burrito and said, ‘Sure. Oh, I got you these, too.’ He pulled a bunch of keys from his pocket. There was a keyring with a big purple W holding them together. ‘I shouldn’t have left you using the spares all this time.’

  Frankly, I’d long stopped caring whether my keys were spares or not, but the keyring was cute. ‘Thanks. That’s really sweet,’ I said, heading out to the Berrys’ Bottlers van. ‘Oh,’ I said, turning back briefly. ‘I’ve still not met your cousin. Was it a holiday or a work thing you said she was away for?’

  He looked at his feet. ‘Um, yeah,’ he replied, going into the house and closing the door behind him.

  I had to stop seeing everything as a mystery. Maybe it was the Wayfair gene. But as far as mysteries went, Max’s cousin was about the last on my list. Despite everything that had come out last night, I still wasn’t convinced we’d found the culprit. For one thing, the Connor Cramer story wasn’t really convincing enough. He sold some candles in the human world? Big deal. I refused to believe that was the reason behind his murder.

  For another thing – and a much bigger thing at that – Dudley was still with me. Well, right now he was snoring and stinking out my bedroom, but you know what I mean. He hadn’t passed on. He hadn’t joined his witch in the afterlife. As far as I was concerned, that meant that her murder hadn’t been solved.

  So with all of that in mind, I wasn’t ready to let go of my cover. I donned my Pendant of Privilege once again, and made my way to work.

  ≈

  The factory was busier than ever when I arrived. I double-checked my watch, then checked my phone just to be sure. I was ten minutes early.

  Alice teetered my way. She looked younger than she had before. Must’ve had a visit to the beauty salon, I guessed. Her hair was shiny and full, and her eyes were an even deeper green than Melissa’s. I’d have to look into this whole glamour thing. After a couple of sleepless nights in a row, I needed something to make me look better. ‘Thank goodness you’re here. We’ve had to recall every single bottle of Berry Good Go Juice thanks to that harridan, Mildred. I expect you’ve heard the news.’

  ‘I saw it on Wyrd News Nightly. Had to put my pendant on after I’d already taken it off for the night but it was worth it. We don’t have a supernatural adapter thingy for our TV.’

  ‘Oh dear.’ She glanced at my pendant, her nose wrinkling. ‘They really should do something about the design of those things. Anyway, we were lucky in one way. Most of the shops were already out of stock, so there aren’t too many bottles in circulation. But we’ve had to throw out the batch that was meant to be delivered today and start all over. The staff all came in early to help out, bless their little human hearts. We had to tell them it was a quality control issue, of course. Could hardly tell them the truth, now could we?’

  ‘Oh.’ I glanced across at Will. He was speaking with some of the packing staff. He looked tired, and was wearing what he’d had on the night before. ‘I would have come in earlier too, if I’d known this rush was on.’

  Alice rolled her eyes. ‘That’s what I said. But Will wouldn’t have it. He said you have an exam to study for. Well, I suppose he had a point. I mean, it’s not like you’ve got any real talent, is it. Might as well gather all the human qualifications you can.’

  There was simply nothing to do except gape. My mouth opened, and closed, and opened and closed …

  ‘Well, let’s get on with it, shall we?’ She gave me a smile that went none of the way to her eyes. ‘You can start loading boxes into the van.’

  ≈

  They say that the working day goes quickly when you’re busy. Well, they have never had to work with Alice Berry. Okay, work with may have been taking things a step too far. I was working for her, most definitely. I had to readjust her seat a dozen times that day. The air conditioning was never quite right for her, either.

  When she wasn’t complaining, she was reading magazines. Glamorous Witch seemed to be her favourite. I hazarded a guess that the magazine advised against sensible spectacles; Alice mainly squinted at the words, but every now and then she took a bejewelled magnifying glass from her purse and used that to get a better look.

  At lunchtime we took a brief break – during which she told me I ought to watch my calorie intake because, after all, an unempowered witch like me couldn’t trim my waistline with glamours, now could I? And after she hit me with that confidence-inspiring comment, she asked me to rub her feet.

  I was beginning to wonder why the hell I was still here. I could pay my rent in Westerly Crescent with a few hours’ work in the park, couldn’t I? (Maybe Will had a point – the terms weren’t so bad, after all.) And once I passed my exam on Friday I could always get another job. Okay, if I passed my exam on Friday. Because, let’s face it, study hadn’t been high on my list of priorities of late.

  Our final task of the day was to put up a sign on the latest Berry acquisition, a little shop on Grafton Street. The street was closed to vehicles at that time of the day, so we had to park quite the distance away and carry the new sign to the shop. Okay, I had to park and carry the sign to the shop, along with a drill and a stepladder and a box of screws. Alice was somewhere behind me, talking and giggling on her mobile phone. To her mysterious man in black, no doubt.

  When I reached the address she’d given me, I blinked. I was still blinking when she finally caught me up.

  ‘Well? Are you going to stand there gawping or get the sign up? Just because you’re dating my nephew doesn’t mean you can slack off, y’know.’

  I erected the stepladder. ‘Sorry,’ I said. I wasn’t sorry. I was angry enough to smack her across her incredibly glamorous face. Too angry, in fact, to even process the fact that she’d said “dating.” I mean, was I dating Will? Did I want to, considering he and Alice shared a gene pool. ‘I just hadn’t expected it to be this shop, that’s all.’

  I got to work, screwing off the old Cramer’s Candles sign.

  ‘I know what you mean,’ she said, sitting on the bottom rung of my stepladder and beginning to file her nails. ‘Witches don’t
usually bother setting up too many businesses in the human world. But I’ve always had a certain fondness for humans. I want to expand the Berry empire, open up more and more businesses in human enclaves. I think most of the coven are coming around to my way of thinking. It’ll be good for people like you, actually. I mean, seeing as Will wants you to join our coven, then we’ll have to find something you aren’t absolutely useless at and – let’s face it – you won’t be much good at running anything in the witch enclaves will you?’

  For some reason, I was beginning to lose my balance, mentally as well as physically. I grabbed onto the shop window just in time to stop my body from falling. But as for my mind? She had just said what I thought she had, hadn’t she? Will wanted me to join the Berry coven?

  ‘Can you pass me the new sign, please? And the box of screws?’

  Rolling her eyes, and mumbling, ‘What would you do without me?’ she put down the nail file and passed the items up. By the time I’d finished hanging the enormous Berrys’ Candles sign and climbed back to the ground, I was feeling dizzier than ever.

  ‘Eye of newt!’ Alice cursed. ‘What does this bozo want?’

  She was glaring at a male garda, who was walking towards her with a large box in his arms. I’d seen him before. He was the one who thought it was a good idea to give the bottle of Berry Good Go Juice back to Maureen’s killer in St Stephen’s Green.

  ‘Here.’ The garda dumped the box into Alice’s arms. ‘We’re finished with these. We never did find the tape for the day of the murder, but I don’t suppose it matters, seeing as your lot are looking after it now.’

  With those eloquent words, he turned on his heels and walked away.

  Alice threw the box to the ground, wiping her hands. ‘Hey!’ she screamed after him. ‘The shop is under new management. Give this rubbish to one of Cramer’s family, because I don’t want it.’

  The garda kept walking. The fact that he seemed to know about witches – his referring to your lot had been my big giveaway moment there – wasn’t as surprising as it might have been a few days earlier. Clearly, the negotiations between the human authorities and the supernaturals had already begun, if the gardaí were no longer investigating Connor’s murder.

  I looked at the box. It was just your average cardboard packing box. It had ‘Security Tapes,’ written on it in black permanent marker.

  ‘This day just gets better and better,’ Alice said. ‘I’m going for a drink. You can make your way back by yourself, can’t you? And get rid of that rubbish while you’re at it.’ She snapped her fingers, and disappeared.

  14.Lassie Come Home

  Dudley sat propped against some cushions, munching popcorn while I searched the entertainment centre. ‘There’s a DVD player,’ I said. ‘But no VCR.’

  ‘Do your coven have one?’

  ‘Afraid not.’ There had been one, long ago. But as far as I recalled some candle wax got spilled on it during a séance. ‘Can you even buy video players anymore? I’ll have a look online.’

  I was picking up my phone to check the internet when Dudley cleared his throat and said, ‘There’s a player in Max’s room. What? I was bored all day. He has everything in there, Wanda. Old records like the ones me and Maureen used to listen to. Old movies. He has it all.’

  ‘Yeah. But that was all his dad’s. He said he doesn’t even use any of that stuff himself. I don’t think he’d like it if we used it.’

  ‘Oh.’ Dudley gnawed at a piece of popcorn and spat the kernel back into the bowl. Charming. ‘Is his dad dead or something?’

  I shrugged. ‘I dunno. And seeing as my dad is the last thing I’d like to discuss with Max, I’m not going to ask him about his. But we can’t just go through his stuff without asking him. Do you know where he is now?’

  ‘Work. At the kennels.’

  ‘See? I don’t even know where he works.’ I scrolled through the numbers on my phone. ‘And I didn’t even save his phone number. All along I thought he was being the rude one, but I guess I’ve been just as bad. Wait – did you say he works at the kennels?’

  Dudley nodded. ‘And that’s not at all humorous, Wanda, so don’t go there. Look, you’re going to have to go up to his room and get it. I mean, if you ask him for a video player you’ll have to explain why. And this is a murder investigation, Wanda. Not something we can just discuss willy nilly with housemates whose phone numbers we don’t even know.’

  I was on the fence, I had to say. I didn’t want to destroy what little trust I was building with Max. We’d already had that weirdness last night over my not-a-date with Will. But Dudley was right: this was a murder investigation. I was nowhere near a decision when I heard a key in the door.

  ‘Are you home?’ Max called out.

  ‘Yeah, I’m in the lounge.’

  He came in, a large pizza box in his arms and a bottle of wine in a carrier bag. His eyes went to the box at my feet. ‘Videos?’

  I clutched the box to my chest. ‘Um … yes?’

  ‘I have a player upstairs. And I brought pizza and wine. Maybe we could watch one of them together? Y’know, if you’re not busy.’

  Dudley was shaking his head. He was right, most likely. We couldn’t share what we were doing with just anyone. But Max seemed so nice. Okay, at first he’d seemed incredibly rude, and since then he’d been a little on the weird side. But still.

  ‘Max, when a witch wants another witch to keep a secret, they make them swear on their coven’s grimoire. Do weredogs have anything like that? Anything that makes a secret un-spillable?’

  ‘You mean like the Bone of the Ages?’

  I blinked. ‘The what of the what?’

  ‘Our family bone. We swear on it. I mean, my lot don’t actually have a family bone. Well, we did but … look, let’s just say someone buried it a long time ago and they’ve temporarily forgotten where. Anyway. Are you saying that if I swear on the Bone of the Ages, you’ll let me watch those videos with you? Wow, they must be good.’

  Dudley spat out another kernel. This time he wasn’t being disgusting. Well, not entirely. This time, he spat the kernel out because he was laughing. He clapped a paw over his mouth to make himself stop. But I really didn’t think he could contain himself for long.

  ‘Fine,’ I said, doing my best to hold my own laughter back. ‘Swear then. On the bone. Swear that you won’t tell a soul what I’m about to tell you and show you.’

  ‘Fine. I swear on the Bone of the Ages that whatever you’re about to show me and tell me will not leave this room. Okay?’

  ‘Okay.’ I felt oddly relieved to be sharing the secret with Max. Yet another indication that maybe I wasn’t cut out for the spy-life. ‘These are the security tapes from Cramer’s Candles. You can watch them with me.’

  ‘For the love of dogs!’ he exclaimed, his brown eyes lighting up. He tossed the pizza and wine onto the coffee table and ran upstairs. A moment later he thundered back down, a dusty video player in his arms.

  ‘We have to stick them on,’ he said. ‘Now.’

  As he began to fiddle with wires and … other wires (I’m well-versed in technical things, as you can tell) I carried the box of tapes over. ‘Max, do you know something about all of this? Because if you do, you need to tell me.’

  His eyes began to water. Good Gretel, he was as bad at keeping things to himself as I was. ‘No. Yes. Look, last night the murderer was apparently caught, right?’

  ‘Right.’

  He shook his head. ‘Wrong. I hate Mildred Valentine. She’s always been out to get weredogs. If anyone wants to see that woman locked away, it’s me. But Wanda, I know she can’t be the murderer. Because if she was, then Lassie would have come home.’

  Oh dear. This time, Dudley could not hold it in.

  ≈

  You might think that twenty-three security tapes – each one featuring eight hours of footage from a small candle store on Grafton Street – would make for incredibly interesting viewing. You would be wrong.

  Luckily,
we had popcorn, pizza and wine.

  ‘This pizza’s nice,’ I said, reaching for my third slice. ‘The cheese is weird. Tasty, but weird.’

  ‘It’s vegan,’ Max mumbled, fast forwarding through a scene that featured Connor Cramer rearranging one of his shelves. It was riveting. I would have liked to watch it in full myself. ‘And don’t laugh. I think you and your rat have laughed quite enough at my expense for one day. Yes, I’m a vegan weredog. Big deal. Lots of us are. I mean, if you had to spend three nights of every month eating whatever you found in restaurant bins, you’d soon go vegan too.’

  ‘Wayfairs don’t go in for a lot of meat either,’ I told him. ‘In the old days, they had to break up a lot of sacrifices. There’s only so much burning flesh you can encounter before you go off meat for good. Wait. Rewind that bit. Press play again from where the shop door opens.’

  Max rewound the video to the correct point. As he pressed play again, his face grew pale. He was staring at the screen, even more transfixed than I was.

  A young woman had entered the shop. She had long, shaggy brown hair and big brown eyes. She sidled towards Connor Cramer, pinched his behind, and grinned. Connor turned towards her, gathered her in his arms and … well … let’s just say they showed each other a lot of affection. And, as it turns out, when you fast forward through such moments, you still see quite a bit more than you might care for.

  ‘You know her?’ Dudley asked gently.