My Heart Can't Tell You No
Page 12
“Mom,” Jackie whined, not liking the idea of resembling a jack-o-lantern.
“It will be in before you go back to school. I can’t guarantee others won’t be out, but that one will be in. Do you want to keep it? Or should I take it home so you don’t lose it?”
“Take it home. I’ll put it under my pillow tonight.” He glanced at his uncles, not wanting them to know he took part in such a childish tradition.
“Why are ya gonna put it under your pillow?” Robby made a face as if the gesture was distasteful.
“The tooth fairy takes these and leaves you some money,” Maddie explained.
“Money?” Robby’s interest perked as he turned back to Jackie. “How’d you do it?! I want some money too! How’d you make your tooth come out?!”
He reached into his own mouth and started jerking on his small white teeth, but, when nothing budged, he reached for his brother’s mouth again.
“Hey! Don’t!” Jackie backed away, but Robby came after him again.
“Come on! Share! Mom says we’re supposed to share! Give me one for my pillow too!”
“No! Get out of here!” Jackie was laughing as he turned and started running, but he tripped over Joe’s outstretched legs.
“Got it!” Robby pounced on the white tooth that landed on the ground near Jackie’s head. “Gee, thanks, Jackie! Now we both got one!”
Jackie slowly rolled onto his back, sitting up with his legs still dangling over Joe’s as his hand went to his face. Joe leaned forward and brushed Jackie’s hand aside as he opened the boy’s mouth to see blood coming from his gum. He wouldn’t have believed it if he hadn’t seen it.
“Is he all right?” Maddie was next to them in an instant, kneeling beside Joe to look into her son’s mouth.
“Robby, give me that tooth,” said Joe.
“No. Jackie gave it to me.”
Jackie looked at them as if in a daze. He couldn’t believe it himself.
“Give it here. I want to look at it.” Joe took the tooth from Robby then turned to Maddie. “You going to take him to get it put back in, or anything like that?”
“Not if it came out that easily. It must have been nearly ready to come out anyway.”
Joe went to the stream and washed the blood off of it. “I think it all came out. There’s no break in the tooth. Just needed a little more pressure than the other one.”
“Give it here.” Robby reached for the tooth, but Joe pulled it away.
“What the hell ya think you’re doing knocking your brother’s tooth out?!” Joe spoke to him sternly, but he couldn’t find the anger to actually scold the boy.
“I didn’t. You did,” Robby told him, his brown eyes wide.
Kneeling next to Maddie as she wiped the blood from her son’s lips, Joe handed the tooth to Jackie. “Sorry about that. I wasn’t expecting you to run this way. If you want Robby to have it, you give it to him. I just thought the decision should be left up to you.”
Jackie eyed him suspiciously then jerked his gaze back toward his fishing rod when its end bobbed slightly. He pushed himself out of Maddie’s arms and ran for the pole, skillfully jerking on the line at the appropriate moment to secure the catch. He reeled it in and removed the trout, silently admiring it for a moment before taking it to John to be put on his stringer. On his way back to his pole, he handed his tooth to Maddie.
“Take this home Mom. I want to catch some more trout.”
“Oh just great.” Robby plopped down next to his brother. “Now you got two and I don’t got any.”
CHAPTER VIII
JUNE 1984
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JULY 1984
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June/July 1984
Joe didn’t go directly home from the creek that afternoon. Memories of that Kismet-filled football game stirred other memories of Maddie, and his next encounter with her; mixed recollections that included his final memories of his father.
A last-minute turn off the main highway took him in the direction of his father’s grave. He hadn’t been there in more than eight years. Odd, how he managed to overlook it every time he came back to town. As he pulled into the cemetery and parked the truck, he decided to walk through the cemetery in search of the grave. It took the better part of fifteen minutes to locate it, which, in a cemetery as small as this, was pathetic. But the memory of his father’s death and the days surrounding it were as vivid to him as if they had happened last week, although what had happened since then quickly reminded him that it had been, indeed, eight years.
APRIL 1976
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April 1976
It was several months after Joe’s twenty-seventh birthday that Lena told him “that Green kid—you know, the one that became a cop” had been trying to get in touch with him for two days. When Joe asked why she hadn’t told him before, Lena simply said, “I forgot.”
It seemed odd that Bob would be trying to get hold of him. He hadn’t spoken to Bob Green in almost two years. He didn’t know his address, let alone his telephone number. Getting out the most recent telephone book, he found it, but, after dialing the number, there was no answer, so he called the Baker house.
“Hello?” It was Bob who answered.
“You living out there now?” Joe asked sarcastically.
“Who is this?”
“McNier.”
“No, I’m not living out here. I came out to pick up Maddie. She’s going in to see your dad,” Bob answered just as irritably.
“She needs a ride to the old man’s house now? It’s only about five hundred yards away.”
“No. She needs a ride in town to the hospital. She’s been sitting with him every day.”
“What’s he doing in the hospital? Why didn’t anyone get in touch with me?”
“I called at least ten times since Maddie found him lying on the kitchen floor two days ago. She was taking some of Mom’s extra soup down for him when she found him. He had a heart attack.”
“Is he all right?” Joe knew his father was sixty-seven, but the thought that he could be in real danger didn’t occur to him. Daniel McNier never stopped working long enough for illness to strike him. Probably one good reason why he hadn’t been close to his son; he was rarely home from work long enough to get to know him.
“No. I think you should come home, Joe. It doesn’t look good.”
“When should I come? I’m scheduled to work the rest of the week.”
“You better forget about work. The hospital just called before you did. That’s why Maddie was going in right now. They don’t think he’ll last much longer.”
Joe walked off the elevator into the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit within the hour. He met Bob in the hall and started toward the large glass doors that separated the CICU from the rest of the floor.
“Is he still . . . .”
“Yes,” Bob answered. “He can speak, but you have to listen closely. Right now he’s holding Maddie�
�s hand. Can you beat that? We weren’t even allowed to give him a quick hug when we were kids, now he just wants to hold Maddie’s hand.”
“I thought only family was allowed in there.” It wasn’t a complaint, just an observation. “What happened?”
“Mom’s sister is in the hospital up in Bloomsburg, and she’s been spending a lot of time with her. So, she and Maddie have been making large pots of soup, big casseroles, you know, just to last the guys at the house while she’s up with her sister. Anyway, Maddie was bringing some leftovers down to your dad. When she got there, she found him and called an ambulance, then came in with him. They just took it for granted that she was relation that first night. She didn’t want to come in yesterday though. She felt she was invading his privacy, but he wanted his little Indian. They finally got it out of him who his little Indian was, but he must have been a little confused, because he told them it was his daughter-in-law, Maddie.”
As they came to the glass encasement that roomed his father, Joe saw Maddie sitting near the bed. She held her head in one hand as she covered the man’s hand with her other, looking very tired. Joe approached them silently. The sight of his father was a shock. The always darkly tanned brute of a man was pale and drained, and looking helpless with tubes and wires attached to him. Dan McNier seemed to feel his son’s presence as he opened his eyes to look at him approach.
“ . . . stranger.” Dan’s voice lost the hello in the effort.
Joe wanted to look away, to have a moment to accept what was happening. Instead he put his hand on Maddie’s shoulder as he kept his eyes on his father. “Hi Dad.”
Maddie stood up immediately and moved toward the door, but Joe put his hand on her arm. He still refused to look at her, but he needed the strength his own wife couldn’t give him. When he sat, Maddie stayed behind him. The feel of her hand as he held it helped him to stay and watch this man die. The older man moved his fingers slightly, making Joe look up at him with confusion. Did he want Maddie back?
“He wants you to take his hand, Joe,” Maddie whispered as she leaned down.
Why now? Joe couldn’t help but wonder. Why after twenty-seven years did he finally want his own son’s touch? He moved the chair closer to his father and put his hand on the paler one on the bed. He noticed they were the same in size and shape. When did that happen, he wondered. He half-expected his hand to be dwarfed by his father’s as it had been when he was a child. Had it really been that long ago that he had actually looked at his father’s hands? His movement pulled him out of Maddie’s touch, and he suddenly felt a coolness where the contact had been. He needed her back, but, when he tried to turn to find her, his father started to speak.
“She’s gone. She’ll be waiting for you. Good girl—good woman.”
Joe wasn’t positive what he was talking about, but he’d let him speak while he was still able. “Maddie? Yeah, she’s a good girl.”
“You—never needed me. Like I never needed my father.” The effort it was taking for the man to talk made Joe want to run for Maddie. “It’s just the way things were. It was no good. A man needs his children. Don’t let anyone take your kids. I’ve never asked you for anything. Now I am. Don’t let them take my grandkids.”
“I won’t.” Who in the hell was gonna take his kids? Granted, his marriage was one of the shakiest on record, but even if there would be a breakup, he knew he could always have his kids whenever he wanted them. Lena sure as hell didn’t want to be tied down with them.
“You’ve got some fine boys.”
“Yeah—I guess.” Boys? Well, it wasn’t the old man’s fault he didn’t remember it was a girl and a boy. He’d only ever seen them once.
Joe watched as the man seemed to doze off, allowing him to get to his feet and move to the doorway. He saw Maddie and Bob about to go to the elevator. Damn Bob! Couldn’t he see she was needed here? Quick steps carried him to the end of the corridor where he stopped the elevator doors from closing.
“Get out,” he said simply.
They re-entered the hallway as he told them, Bob looking a little irritated and Maddie barely looking at him at all.
“What?” asked Bob.
“I want Maddie to stay here.”
“Why?” Bob’s voice remained cool.
“He probably wants her here more than he wants me.” It was true, but Joe neglected to tell Bob that he was a little frightened at the prospect of being left alone to watch his father die.
“That’s not true,” Maddie spoke up. “He wants you in there. You’re his son. He was calling for you yesterday and most of last night.”
The thought of his father calling for him surprised him. “And he was calling for you longer. Stay with me until it’s over.”
“But I have to . . . .” She glanced back to Bob for support.
“I’ll tend to things at your house. You can stay—for Dan,” he added with a glimpse at Joe.
“I shouldn’t be here Joe. It isn’t my time with him. This is your time. You both need your privacy,” Maddie tried to tell him as Bob stepped into the elevator.
Joe didn’t answer as he turned back toward his father’s room. He simply gestured for her to accompany him, but once they came to the door and she hesitated, Joe gently nudged her inside. “Sit with him and hold his hand.”
Maddie grabbed Joe’s arm and pulled him a short distance from the room. “Are you unable to do it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Can’t you do it? Is this too much for you?” She seemed exasperated, not accusing, only wanting to know the answers. “Are you physically or emotionally unable to do this?”
“No. I could do it. But he was holding your hand when I came in.”
“You weren’t here! I’d be willing to do it if you weren’t here! No one should ever have to die alone! But you are here—and if you make me do it . . . . You don’t know how bad I’d feel. It’s not my place—it’s yours. I’d be interfering.”
“No you wouldn’t.”
“Joe! Dammit! I’m not saying this to sound cute! I mean it. It would hurt me. I’d be taking away what little time you have left with him. Don’t make me do it.”
Joe looked at her a long moment. There was actually pain showing in her face at the thought of depriving a father of his son. “All right. But stay with me. I may be holding onto his hand—but I’ll need you to hold onto my other one. No one should ever have to watch someone die alone, either.”
Dan McNier regained consciousness only twice. The first time Joe didn’t notice right away. He had slipped his arm around Maddie’s waist and pulled her against him as he sat at his father’s side. As she stood next to him, her grasp on his hand wasn’t enough, he suddenly felt very cold. He held her against him tightly, leaning the side of his head against her stomach when he felt his father’s grip tighten slightly. The words Dan McNier spoke were too quiet and strained for Joe to make out, but the look on his face was clear. Maddie tried to pull away from Joe. Within the next second the man was again unconscious.
“What did he say?” Joe pulled her back as he looked up at her. Dan McNier hadn’t minded seeing them like this; as a matter of fact, the gentle smile that entered his eyes had shown his approval.
“Never mind.” She wouldn’t look at him and seemed embarrassed.
“No. What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Don’t let this one go, Joe.’”
Joe looked back at his father. Not once had Dan ever mentioned Maddie Baker to Joe, except for the rare letters he received while in Nam—then it was only a brief sentence mingled inside the rest of the letter that said she had visited him that day. But verbally, the girl’s name never came up. Yet, all the while he’d known. Dan McNier had paid more attention to his boy than Joe had suspected.
It was another two hours until Dan’s eyes opened again. This time they were the eyes of a dead man. Joe had seen it enough in Nam and then in his job. He knew that look. This time he wasn’t looking at Maddie or Joe, but to a distant
corner of the room as he gently called his wife’s name. His face filled with a peace Joe had never seen in his father. The battle was over. Dan McNier was gone.
“Mr. McNier?” Maddie tried, a little louder the next time as she moved quickly to the older man and clutched his hand. “Mr. McNier? Mr. McNier?” Tears started rolling down her face as the realization of his death hit her.
Joe got to his feet as the buzzer on the heart monitor told him his father was really gone and a troop of nurses came into the room. He watched Maddie’s fingers move up to the older man’s face as she bent and kissed him gently on the forehead, her tears now falling onto his father’s brow. Joe took Maddie’s hand and walked her out of the room to a chair across the hall. He glanced back toward the room once. His father was gone. Dan was where he wanted to be. It seemed to Joe that Dan McNier had been only filling out his time for the past twenty-five years, waiting to join the wife who had left him prematurely. He glanced down at Maddie and saw her rocking herself in the chair he had seated her in, the tears still falling. He stooped in front of her and pushed her hair back from her face.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” she whispered as she finally looked up at him.
“Shh.” He wiped her tears with his thumbs.
A nurse re-entered the hall, telling him that nothing more could be done for his father and asking if Joe would please come to the desk to sign some papers. Joe had the idea that, under different circumstances, members of the deceased’s family would be left to their grief until they were able to deal with the reality of funeral arrangements, but these weren’t normal circumstances. Joe felt very little grief. Dan was right when he said they had never been close. He was only the man who had supported him financially. Any emotional support he needed growing up was never there, so he had taken what he could get from the Bakers and Lew.
“Are you all right?” Joe asked Maddie, receiving an affirmative nod as her tears slowly subsided.
“I should be asking you that,” she said quietly.
“No. I don’t think so. You were the one who would visit him. You would go and talk with him while he was alive. And don’t get the stupid idea that you were stealing my time. I’m glad he had you. You gave him something I couldn’t.”