My Heart Can't Tell You No

by M. K. Heffner

  “Robert Green! You had better haul it in there right now! You’ve already done enough damage for one day!” Maddie scolded in a tone that made the boy move immediately, moping all the way. “Jackie, you can start down.”

  “Well? What did he do?” Sarah asked with concern for the younger child.

  Joe watched as Maddie hesitated, then looked over at him, trying to hide her amusement. “Do you know what he did?”

  “Yeah. He went bowling,” Joe answered as Tom entered the kitchen, wiping his greasy hands on a paper towel as he entered.

  “What?” Sarah asked in confusion, remembering what the child had been watching on television before he went outside, but not making the connection between the two incidents.

  “He rolled an extra tire down the hill,” Maddie told her.

  “Made a strike too. The kid’s got potential,” Tom added, bringing Maddie’s amusement to the surface as she tried to keep from laughing, then sobered for her mother’s sake.

  “I’ll talk to him when we get home and tell him he can’t go around rolling heavy tires at people. Robby, are you ready?”

  “Yes,” he answered solemnly as he returned with the pajamas he had worn that morning.

  CHAPTER XXII

  Maddie was silent on the walk to her house, letting Robby take over conversation as he told Joe about what he had done that day. Jackie was also quiet, reaching the front door by the time the rest of them were only halfway there. As she entered the house Maddie felt a thick blanket of humidity that nearly took her breath away, prompting her to turn on the air conditioning.

  “You can put him down. He’s going to bed,” she told Joe.

  “I don’t want to go to bed!”

  “Well, I’m sure Jackie didn’t want that stone stuck in his hand either,” Joe said sternly as he stood the boy on the floor. “Now, go listen to your mom.”

  “Why do I always have to go to bed?” Robby moped as he marched after Maddie.

  “Because you’re the one who always gets into trouble. That’s why.” She opened the door and watched as he hopped up on his bed. “Do you know what you did that was wrong?”

  “I hurt Jackie.”

  “How did you hurt Jackie?”

  “I hit him with a tire.”

  “So?” Maddie asked.

  “I shouldn’t roll tires at Jackie.”

  “You shouldn’t roll tires at anyone. One hour, then you can come out.”

  “Okay,” he moped.

  Maddie moved to her bedroom, the heat making her slacks unbearable any longer. She took the pins from her hair and brushed out the dark length until it was a soft fullness flowing over her shoulders. She stripped down to her underwear and was about to put on a white cotton blouse and a pair of cut-off denims but a quick glimpse at her bed made it irresistible. She moved over to the edge, glancing toward the door to make sure she was alone, then lay on its firmness. The air conditioning felt so good on her bare skin after the long day trapped in slacks and a blouse. She would only lie there for a moment, rest her eyes, then go out and prepare supper.

  The darkness of the room woke her. The glowing numbers of her clock read nine-fifty-five, alerting her that she had slept nearly four and a half hours. She put on the clothes she had laid out earlier and went to the living room, finding Robby asleep on the couch and Jackie just dozing off on the floor. Joe looked up at her from his seat in front of the television, a decided sparkle to his eyes as he watched her. She walked past him and knelt next to Jackie, lifting him onto his feet and helping him back to the bathroom before taking him to bed. As she pulled the sheet over Jackie and kissed his check, she heard Joe’s steps behind her. She turned as he put Robby on the bed and began taking off his sneakers. She watched as he sat on the bed, carefully removing the boy’s socks, then the shorts and shirt. He seemed to be looking especially hard at the boy’s face before he stood up and moved out the door. She walked slowly to the younger boy, feeling a small stab of pain at their situation. She reached down and pushed a thick lock of dark hair off his forehead. He looked so much like his father. Could Joe see it? Was that what he had been looking at before he left the room?

  “Maddie,” Joe whispered from the hall.

  “Did they eat?” she asked as she pulled the door nearly closed and started toward the living room with him.

  “We managed to get something thrown together.”

  “I’m sorry you had to put up with them while I was asleep.” She sat on the couch next to him. “I only wanted to rest my eyes. It didn’t turn out that way.”

  “I noticed. I closed your bedroom door for you about half an hour after you fell asleep.”

  “Oh.” She looked away from him, recalling her unclothed state.

  “I almost sent the boys back up to Mom’s so I could come in and join you—but I don’t think I could have slept.”

  “Is there any coffee?” she asked lightly as she went to the kitchen to fill a cup before returning, but moving to a chair this time.

  “Are you going to the store tomorrow?” He lit a cigarette and looked over at her.

  “Why?”

  “It’s the weekend, that’s why. Normal people try to get at least two days off a week.” He looked back to the television. “It has something to do with spending time with their family.”

  “I can stay home,” she said quietly, her eyes staying on him.

  The house was quiet as she stared at him, the only sound coming from the television that neither were watching, although Joe’s eyes were pointed in that direction. She had known him for twenty-five years and never had any trouble talking to him, but suddenly she was overcome with a surge of shyness; a shyness that stifled any rude comment she might have thrown back at him in anger. It had always been so much easier being angry with him. Anger had a way of hazing things over, but now she couldn’t find the anger she had used as a shield over the years. Instead she watched him clearly, his virile beauty stilling her tongue. Her mind went to the previous night when she had lain in his arms, and the other newer experiences he had introduced her to. The vivid memory loosened her grip on her cup as it slipped from her hand and covered her bare legs with hot coffee. She was on her feet in an instant.

  “Are you okay?!” Joe stood next to her.

  “H-hot!” was all she managed to get out as she stupidly looked up at him.

  He picked her up and carried her to the kitchen where he sat her on the sink, depositing her legs in the basin, then turned on the faucet. He started drenching her thighs with the spray nozzle, quickly cooling the burn and taking the sting out of it.

  “What happened?”

  “I—I guess I wasn’t thinking about my coffee when I should have been.” Her eyes went to the faucet where she turned off the water and reached for a towel.

  He took the towel and patted her legs dry, his touch sending tingles through her. “So what had your mind so occupied that you risked maiming yourself?”

  She moved back to the floor, avoiding his eyes as she got her cup and took it back to the sink. “Do you work tomorrow?”

  “No,” he answered as she turned to the room again, this time taking the seat on the opposite side of the couch. “I was talking to Rodney today.”

  “I know. He told me.” She looked at him as he again sat on the couch, then glanced back to the floor. She didn’t like feeling this way, feeling like a teenager in the same room as some idol she was smitten with. God, she was in her mid-twenties. She was a capable business woman. He had no right to intimidate her like this.

  “Did he tell you that he told me who owned the store?”

  “No. He just said you were there.” She looked back up at him, having an incredible urge to touch him, but she didn’t move. She remembered from her first marriage that it annoyed men to have women draping themselves all over them, but her urge was becoming too strong; knowing she couldn’t do anything to satisfy it, she looked away again. “I take it you found out that I named the store after the boys, not Rodne
y.”

  “No, I didn’t put that together yet.” He lit another cigarette. “But Mom told me you aren’t Rodney’s type.”

  “No,” she smiled. “You’re more his type than I am.”

  “No thank you,” he said grimly then stood up and moved to the door where he opened it and stared outside. She looked up quickly, her heart sinking at the thought of his leaving.

  “Where are you going?” She went to stand behind him.

  He didn’t answer as he continued to watch the night. The sight of his leanly muscled silhouette brought back her need to reach out and touch him. Her hand slowly moved to his back, but, when she felt him stiffen, she immediately went back to her seat. When she looked at him, she saw he was watching her.

  “Why did you do that?”

  “Touch you? I’m sorry.” She dropped her gaze again.

  “You’re sorry?” He closed the door again and walked back toward her. “What’s the matter with you? I meant why did you move away?”

  “Be-because. You didn’t want to be touched, I can understand.”

  “I didn’t want . . . . Maddie what’s wrong with you? You’re acting like I’m a stranger.”

  “I think you are,” she mumbled.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You’re not the same person I’ve known for the past few years.”

  “Then who am I?”

  “Until today I didn’t know you cared enough to stay at the hospital with me!”

  “Well, what did you think I’d do?” He moved away from her as if agitated. “Christ, Maddie! I love you. You know that. Why wouldn’t I be at the hospital with you?!”

  “See. It makes you angry to say such a thing! Why do you feel you have to tell me that? I said you cared—nothing about love. And it wasn’t a hint to make you say something you don’t mean. I’ve known you too long to expect it. I don’t appreciate lies.”

  When he looked back at her, she saw a mixture of confusion, anger and amusement. “What are you talking about now?! Do you always talk such crap when you wake up from a nap? Does it take you a while to come back down to earth or what?”

  “I know what I’m talking about. Believe me—I woke up completely when I spilled my coffee.”

  “Then if that isn’t your excuse, you’d better explain yourself a little more clearly, because you’re making no sense to me.”

  “To put it simply—don’t tell me that you love me. Want me—maybe, for a little while anyway. But you don’t love me,” she told him.

  He looked at her closely from across the room, different emotions running through him too quickly for her to read before he went back to the couch and carelessly sat down.

  “I don’t huh? Well, how about that. Then you tell me why I didn’t take you right there on the dike when you were fourteen the way I wanted to—and believe me, I wanted to. Tell me why I didn’t just corner you somewhere and try to chase away all those dreams that kept waking me up sweating and shaking. I could have, ya know, and to hell with the fact that you were only a kid. Instead I went out and took it out on older girls, and that was just what I was doing, taking it out on them because you were so Goddamn young. But they didn’t appreciate my less-than-gentle mating. I was told more than once that the only times I approached any sense of gentleness was when I’d be so lost in my own fantasy that I’d be calling them Maddie.” He looked over at her, the amusement and confusion gone, leaving only the anger. “And what about the next summer? We were all alone by the stream—or at least I thought we were. Why didn’t I try to take you then—even if I did know you weren’t ready? And the next year at the football game? Was it caring that sent you away when I wanted you so damned much it took ten minutes before I was composed enough to actually see the road to drive. Never mind the physical pain that didn’t leave until after I got back to Mom’s and picked up the kids. I had to sit in the driveway for another ten minutes before I could get out of the damn car and go up to the house.”

  Maddie stared at him, his words rushing around her brain in a mad race. “You got married to Lena because you loved me. Sorry, but I must be sleepier than I thought, because right now that isn’t making a whole hell of a lot of sense to me.”

  “No, I married her because she was having my child. And there was no love lost on her side either. She let me know early her plans for me. Only I didn’t want to go to college and play football. So according to her I made her life a hell, by keeping my job and getting a pilot’s license instead. Believe me, she was quick to let me know what kind of a bum I was for making her live on that kind of income.”

  “So to further prove your love for me, you took to spending your weekends in the arms of other women?” she asked cynically.

  “I what?! I did not. Who told you that? There was a lot of cheating in my marriage all right, but it wasn’t me. Lena’s the one who didn’t make any secret of her affairs, not after she found out that we were together that weekend. She had her ammunition then, so it didn’t matter that she’d been screwin’ around for over a year—regularly.”

  “So why didn’t you divorce her?!” Her anger was returning, feeling that if he had loved her as he claimed, and didn’t love Lena, their marriage should have ended long before it did.

  “She wouldn’t let me,” he said quietly as he looked back at the television.

  “She wouldn’t let you,” Maddie said blandly. “She hold a gun to your head or what?”

  “She might as well have. When I got back from Dad’s funeral and told her I wanted a divorce, she showed me exactly what caliber she was holding to my head.”

  “You asked her for a divorce when you left me?” Her voice was quiet, not wanting to believe what she was hearing.

  “She knew who I’d been with.” He went on, not hearing her comment.

  “If you weren’t in the habit of wandering—how did she know you were with anybody at all?” She threw back, bringing a tight smile to his lips as he continued to look at the television.

  “You want to know how she knew I was with anyone,” he sighed heavily then slowly stood up and turned on the ceiling light before coming back to stand in front of her. His movements to open his shirt made her eye him warily until he had removed it and turned his back to her, revealing six long pink marks that traveled from the center of his back downward and out toward his sides for about eight inches. She doubted she would have noticed them if he hadn’t insinuated they were there. They were almost faded away from the nearly twenty-four hours that had passed since their lovemaking. “Ya see, you get a little involved in what’s happening to you.”

  “But you can barely see them.” She brushed the embarrassment away. “I don’t believe she would have seen anything like that if she hadn’t been looking for it. And she wouldn’t have been looking for it, if it hadn’t happened before.”

  “Look closer.” His voice was tight. “I’ll admit that after eight years they’ve faded a lot. But they are still visible.”

  Maddie stood up and looked at his shoulders, only a few inches down his back, there were four white, crescent-shaped marks on either side. “I did that to you?” she gasped.

  He turned around and looked at her oddly then replaced his shirt as he moved back to the couch. “It was a bit more obvious after only a day or two than it is after eight years. You could say it was my penance for taking your virginity before you were of age, or before we were married.” A unamused smile crossed his lips when he saw how she looked at him. “Oh yes, I was planning on divorcing Lena and coming back to marry you.”

  “Then why didn’t you?” Her voice was weak. Her head was swimming. The more she heard, the less she wanted to hear it.

  “I told you. Lena wouldn’t let me.”

  “How could she stop you when she admitted to committing adultery!”

  “I told you she showed me her ammunition that night. You were her ammunition, Maddie. She knew I was in love with you. She said it was annoying when I’d call out to you in my sleep. It would
wake her up,” he snorted. “At least we can take pleasure in knowing she rarely got a full night’s sleep. She knew it. And I think she was just waiting for it to happen so she could throw it in my face and use it against me if custody of the kids came up.”

  “I—don’t understand. Our one weekend together would have little to do with a custody battle, considering Lena’s affairs.”

  “Our one weekend had everything to do with it. You were a minor.”

  “I was seventeen!”

  “Just a month past sixteen. She pointed out that the law still considered you a child—and as she put it, my back was proof that I had molested you. She even had witnesses she sent out to my house who would testify that you were seen spending the nights there. What chance does a pedophile have of child custody, or even visitation?”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you wait nine months before you came back to tell me?” Her slow questions were accompanied with the stinging of welled-up tears.

  “I wasn’t allowed to contact you. I didn’t expect to come back and find you married and pregnant. Somehow, I was stupid enough to think you loved me as much as I loved you. You certainly were quick to tell me different though, weren’t you?”

  “I was married to Bob! What else could I do? He took me in and tried to love me after your wife informed me of your weekend activities. If she already knew we were together, then she performed quite well. She made it clear that I was no different than any of the others you used to occupy your time. Bob helped by reminding me of all the women you went out with shortly before you got married. He reminded me that no matter how much you strayed—you always went back to Lena.”

  “She was pregnant! What was I supposed to do?! I’m sorry—but the fact is that you and I are from two different generations. It wasn’t the way it is now. If you got someone pregnant and you wanted the kid—you had to marry her. Otherwise you could just forget about the kid. If you didn’t marry her you had no right to it.” He looked over at her and saw her first tear spill, bringing him to his feet to go to her. He knelt on the floor and wiped her eyes with his thumbs before leaning back and looking at her. “Leave it up to Bob. He wanted you as much as I did. I never let him win when we were kids—ironic that the one time he did win was to get you as his wife.”