Stay

by Wynne, Hilary

  Once again he appears to read my mind about what I need and want from him, and he finally touches me with his beautiful mouth. But Julian doesn’t kiss my lips. Instead he puts his mouth on my neck just below my right ear and slowly runs his tongue all the way down my neck to my collarbone. Chills course through my body, and all I want in this moment is to grab his head and force his lips to mine. But I can’t because my hands are still pinned to my sides. I attempt to pull them away again. He tightens his grip and gently shakes his head no.

  He whispers seductively in my ear, finally breaking the silence. “What do you need, Alexa? Are you wet for me? Are you going to get off by grinding your sweet self into my leg?”

  I respond affirmatively by grinding into him more forcefully, my dress riding even further up my hips.

  “Yes, I know you’re turned on, baby. I can feel you on my leg. And it’s so okay with me because I can’t think of anything sexier and more beautiful right now then you being so turned on that I don’t even have to touch you or kiss you to make you come. Can you feel me? Can you feel how turned on I am, how hard? I might come in my pants too. That’s how sexy you are, how beautiful.”

  I’m so close already that his words push me over the edge. I grind my hips hard into his, squeeze my inner thighs as tight as I can, and grip his hands with everything I have. I lean my forehead against his chest and shamelessly let my orgasm shudder through me as I moan softly.

  “Mmm, that was so hot, corazón.” Julian exhales into my neck. I didn’t realize he was holding his breath.

  I keep my head against Julian’s chest and can feel how hard his heart is pounding. This is a man who must be close to the edge himself. I try to catch my breath and compose myself before I pull away. I don’t want him to see the surrender in my eyes. We stay in this position long enough for both of our heartbeats to slow back down to normal. I murmur a small “Gracias” in an attempt to lighten the moment.

  Julian lets go of one of my hands and brings his hand up to my chin. He tilts it up and forces me to look up at him. I fully expect my eyes to be met with the same lustful, fiery gaze he’s been looking at me with the whole night. I expect a racy, sexually explicit comment is not far off as well. But I’m so wrong.

  Instead, Julian is looking at me with reverent eyes and a tenderness I haven’t seen from him before. Huh? Here we just had this totally hot, carnal moment, and now he’s looking at me with softness in his eyes that should be reserved for someone he has feelings for, not a girl he just let grind against him in a dark hallway. Maybe it’s the lighting and I’m imagining what I see in his eyes. Well, I think, if he isn’t going to say something raunchy, I will. I’ll say anything to get him to stop looking at me like that.

  I open my mouth to make a snarky comment about what just happened, and I’m stopped as he lowers his mouth softly to mine. Julian’s hand is still on my face, and his thumb is stroking my jaw tenderly as he slips his tongue in between my parted lips. I let out a small gasp when I feel the soft silkiness of his tongue as it strokes and caresses the inside of my mouth. Our mouths are connecting much in the same way our bodies did on the dance floor, fluidly and like one. This. Man. Can. Kiss. I can tell by the way he keeps deepening our connection that he’s falling into me as much as I am into him. He pulls his tongue out and slowly traces my lips with it. He gently nips at my lower lip before he plunges his tongue back into my waiting mouth. I’m basically pinned to the wall by his hard body, and he’s still holding one of my hands at my side. I use my other hand to reach around and grab the back of his head, pulling him deeper into me. I catch his tongue with my lips and suck gently. Julian moans and thrusts his tongue deep into my mouth. A rush of feelings streams through my body. I feel him on my lips, on my skin, between my legs, and in my heart. Fuck! In my heart? As intense and passionate as our kisses are, they do not feel purely physical, and all of a sudden, an overwhelming sense of panic begins to engulf me, and my body starts throwing up red flags. No! No! No! I scream internally. No emotions allowed, Alexa; this is just supposed to be about sex.

  Somehow I’m able to break my lips away from Julian, and I put my free hand on his chest and gently push him away. Julian pulls back and looks at me, his eyes wide open and questioning. It’s as if he was somewhere else while he was kissing me, and now he can’t believe I’m standing in front of him. His expression is serious, and in this moment I feel completely vulnerable. Again, it’s as if he can see everything I’m thinking and feeling.

  He groans softly and tries to slow his pulse down by taking a deep breath. I can hardly breathe, and my heart is beating out of my chest. His voice is raspy and laden with lust. “I’m about twenty seconds from ripping all of your clothes off and making love to you right now, Alexa. And I never do things like that here.”

  He takes a small step backward, lets go of my hand, and breaks the connection between our bodies.

  “And although the idea of taking you right now against this wall sounds like the best idea in the world, I never mix my business with pleasure. I’ve already crossed way too many lines with you tonight.”

  He says this but then steps in closer again and puts his hands on my waist. He seems unable to make up his mind about what he should do.

  “But, my God, I want you.”

  My mind is still stuck on his words from a minute ago. Make love? Did he just say make love? Where did that come from? The whole night has been filled with dirty talk. Now he’s talking about making love? If I were to be honest with myself, which I don’t like to be in these emotional situations, I would be acknowledging that I do understand why he’s acting the way he is. I felt the shift happen too. I knew the second he put his lips on mine that our connection meant so much more than two people just casually hooking up. But I’m not even remotely close to being ready to go there or admit this is anything other than a one-time thing. I quickly convince myself Julian is just caught up in the moment too. I can play this off. Here it goes. Someone needs to get a hold of this situation. I arch my brows, look up at him, and put both of my hands on his chest. I can feel his heart pounding again. I push him back gently.

  “So,” I said, “make love? The only thing I’d love for you to make me right now is another drink.”

  How lame am I? I cringe as the words come out of my mouth, but it seems to do the trick. My stupid comment about wanting a drink breaks the spell we both have been under since he found me on the dance floor.

  Julian quickly backs away from me, and suddenly everything snaps back hard into focus. I internally agree with him we have crossed way too many lines tonight, both sexually and emotionally. But although I agree with Julian, I can’t help but be uneasy about his sudden mood swing. He seems to vacillate so easily between wanting to pull me close and wanting to push me away. I have no idea what he’s actually feeling. His eyes are now devoid of anything resembling an emotional connection. The man that just had me coming apart with his words and touch is gone, and I’m looking into the eyes of a stranger. I’m reeling, but I don’t want him to see how much his indifference is affecting me. I need to get away from him. I step around him, pull myself together a little bit, and start walking away from him back toward the bar. A huge part of me wants him to stop me. I want him to grab my hand and pull me close like he has done all night long. I want him to say something dirty to me or something funny. All he says is my name.

  “Alexa.”

  His voice is so quiet I can’t tell if it’s a question or a command. I keep walking, and I do not turn to ask. I hear the door to his office open and then shut gently behind him.

  What the hell just happened?

  I find my friends, and Marissa agrees to leave. Jenna isn’t ready to go, so we take off without her. I’m quiet when we’re waiting for the car, and Marissa knows something is up. She waits until we get in the car to ask.

  “So are you going to tell me what happened or should I guess?”


  “We hooked up, and then we said our good-byes. There’s not much to tell.”

  I can’t see Marissa’s face because she’s driving, but I know she’s rolling her eyes at me.

  “Spill it and give me details, Reed. I’ve been waiting all week to see how this played out.”

  “Fine. We made out and did a little bump and grind in a hallway by his office.”

  “And?”

  “And what, Mari? You want details?”

  “Um, yes. I just said that.”

  I laugh a little. I’ve always told her everything. We talk openly about sex, so I’m not sure why I’m being so coy.

  “He pinned me against the wall and made me come without even touching me. We made out, and I left. Is that graphic enough for you?”

  “Holy shit! What the hell are you in a bad mood for then? That sounds awesome.”

  “It was until he got all weird on me.”

  Marissa turns her head, and I see her expression has changed. She thinks he did something to hurt me. “What do you mean? What did he do?”

  “He told me he wanted to make love to me and got this whole emotional vibe. Crazy, right? I was grinding against his leg, and he gets romantic. It was weird, so I said good-bye.”

  Marissa looks at me again and shakes her head. “He told you he wanted to make love to you, and you freaked out? Lex, when a man that hot tells you he wants to make love to you, you say yes, please, and thank you.”

  I can’t help but laugh at her comment, and I shrug my shoulders. She knows why any type of emotional feelings would make me uncomfortable. She does ask me if we made any plans to see each other again.

  “Nope.” I breathe in deeply and exhale. There’s nothing I can do about it now, so I just let it go. I’m going to have to find a way to get Julian Bauer out of my head.

  Chapter Nine

  My life returns to its normal boring routine. The irony is that until my encounter with Julian I was pretty content. Now I feel restless. I spent all last week thinking about Julian and what it would be like to see him again. I had forgotten how it felt to crush on someone new. I played out scenarios of how things would go down, and I even got butterflies when I replayed our conversations in my mind. My fantasy ending was nothing like what happened in reality, and now when I think about how I reacted, I feel sick to my stomach. I totally blew it with Julian, and now I need to figure out how to forget about him. I’m sucking at that too.

  I have lunch with Luke on Tuesday, and I want to ask him about Julian but sense it’s not a good idea. He doesn’t bring anything up about Saturday night either. He usually shares information about women he’s dating, but relationships seem to be a totally off-limits topic today.

  When I have my therapy session with Ellen this week, we talk about my little hookup with Julian. I don’t share all the details but give her the basics. When she asks me why I think I had the reaction I did, I express my concerns that I don’t think I’m good enough for him.

  “Why would you think that, Lexie? Everything you’ve told me suggests Julian thinks you’re good enough for him. I’m not sure what that even means. What about you isn’t good enough?”

  I don’t need Ellen to get all shrinky on me. I don’t need to hear about how pretty, smart, and strong I am. I know Julian and I travel in different circles. I try to cut her off at the pass.

  “Maybe good enough isn’t the right way to put it. I just don’t think we’re a good fit.”

  I throw the lie out there and hope it sticks. The irony in my statement is I’ve never felt a stronger connection with a man in my life. I know Julian was feeling it too. I just can’t convince myself it wasn’t only a one-time thing. That thought snowballs into another, and I cringe when I think about how I behaved. It’s been forever since I acted that way and just let myself go. I’m feeling a little slutty.

  “Lexie, I could sit here all night and tell you tons of reasons why you’re good enough for anyone. But you already know it, so it’s a waste of my time. I can’t really speak to you fitting with Julian because I have no basis for that opinion except what you’ve told me. But honestly, from over here it seems like you’re a perfect match. You need to remember you’re a twenty-five-year-old, single, beautiful woman, and it’s okay for you to have fun and enjoy your life as long you’re safe about it.”

  It all sounds really logical, and if I tried really hard, I might be able to convince myself what she’s saying about me is true. Unfortunately, at this moment in time, the bad stuff is just easier for me to believe. Since Brady died, I’ve tried to find a balance between the fun and the responsibility, but I’m not quite there. I still feel like it was all the “fun” we were having that made everything turn bad.

  We wrap up the session with Ellen telling me she won’t be able to see me next week. It will be the first Wednesday in eight months I haven’t met with her. She’s going out of town on vacation. I promise her not to have any crises while she’s gone.

  Luckily for me, the next week proves to be uneventful. Nothing exciting is happening with work, my parents are out of town in Atlanta visiting my sister and therefore off my case, and I don’t have any more run-ins with gorgeous strangers. It’s a good thing Ellen is out of town. For the first time in months, I really don’t have anything to talk about.

  Chapter Ten

  It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen Julian, and because we left things so awkwardly last time, I’m not sure how I’m going to feel when and if I see him again. We shared a totally intimate encounter and haven’t spoken since. I tell myself I haven’t heard from Julian because we didn’t exchange phone numbers, but I know if he really wanted to contact me he could’ve asked Luke for my number. After repeatedly processing the whole scenario in my head, I’ve almost convinced myself what happened was a one-time thing and that I probably shouldn’t be concerning myself with Julian Bauer.

  I’ve also convinced myself I don’t really even want to go to Stellar tonight. The problem with that is I’ve made plans to go out with a big group of girls. My coworker, Lauren Hendricks, is going with Marissa, Shannon, and I, and we’re meeting Jenna and two of her friends. It’s a girls’ night out, and I’d be an asshole if I bailed. I tried talking them into going to another bar, but that didn’t work. They all want to go to Hotel Del Marco. I think it’s because they want to see Julian, and I can’t blame them. I’m actually feeling kind of stalker-ish because I have no idea if he’ll even be there, and I’m planning my whole evening around seeing him. So much for me not concerning myself with him. I’ll be totally bummed if he’s not there, or worse, if he has no interest in me. This night has the potential to be a total disaster.

  If I crash and burn tonight, I’m going to look good doing it. I spend about an hour trying to decide what I’m going to wear, and when I finally pick out my outfit, my room looks like a bomb has gone off in it. There are clothes and shoes everywhere. I’ve decided I won’t be wearing a dress tonight. It ended up around my hips last time, and I’m not planning a repeat of that. I’ve put on a pair of tight white, skinny, cropped pants and a black silk, draped, sleeveless top that has a plunging V in both the front and back. The front has a lacy, sheer overlay in the V area that keeps it from being completely open like the back is. The material in the back is light and flowing. It’s a very flattering top that shows off my boobs and back. I bought it months ago but haven’t worn it yet. It took me a while to find a backless, strapless, plunge bra that worked. I’m excited to wear the new Brian Atwood turquoise sandals I found on sale for $250 last week. They’re normally almost $500 shoes, so I couldn’t pass them up. At least that’s what I told myself. The heels are four inches high, and I know they’re not good dancing shoes, but as usual, it’s fashion first. Besides, they totally make the outfit. Because Julian has told me he prefers my hair down, I spend a long time on it, trying to create a perfectly tousled beach-hair look. I keep my makeup pretty natur
al and add just a hint of shimmery blue eye shadow. I think I’m pulling off a very casual, sexy, confident look.

  Marissa comes into my room and asks me if I’m ready to go. She laughs when she sees the mess I’ve made and teases me about trying so hard to impress Julian.

  “Just tell me something, Mari. Does my butt look big in these pants?” She starts laughing when she hears me asking our standard going-out question. “Nope, Lex, your butt looks hot, but you know you’re asking for trouble with those shoes, right? Or are you hoping to fall into Julian again tonight?”

  “I should be so lucky,” I say laughingly back.

  What a difference a couple weeks makes. When I went out for Luke’s birthday, I was anxious just to be going out. Now I’m just anxious about seeing, or not seeing, Julian.

  Marissa volunteers to drive, and we take her up on the offer. I don’t want to drive because if things go badly, I’m going to start drinking, and if things go well, I hope I won’t even be coming home. Right when we get in the car, I get a text from Luke. It’s the first time I’ve heard from him today. He’s been spending a lot of time with Krista, and I haven’t seen him since we had lunch last week. He always does this at the beginning of a relationship, and then after a few weeks, he gets bored and moves on. I try to lay low when he’s in this honeymoon phase in hopes he’ll find a girl he really likes and have her stay around for longer than a month. Not all girls are cool with our friendship, so I’m trying to keep a low profile. I do miss him when we’re not talking though, so I’m happy to hear from him.

  Luke: what’s up hooka? You coming tonight?

  When I spoke to him a few days ago, I mentioned we might be. I realize now I forgot to ask him to put us on the VIP list. Pete Vaughn, a very popular local indie singer, is playing at Orion tonight, so it’s probably going to be really crowded.

  Alexa: yes. On way. Can you get us on list? Plz