I get home from work around five o’clock to find Julian waiting in my driveway. Shit. My heart starts racing, and I know this is going to be ugly. He gets out and walks around his car toward mine. He barely gives me enough room to open the door and get out. As I do, he pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly. My body betrays me and melts into his touch. My heart and mind are not as weak though, and I’m able to pull away. Well, I’m able to try to pull away. His hold on me tightens, and he ups the ante by kissing me firmly on the lips.
“I thought that might be the best way to start the conversation we’re about to have, Alexa.” I assume he’s referring to the kiss. It’s obvious by the tone of his voice and his posture he isn’t happy. I shrug my shoulders and pull away. This time he lets me. I make no move to go into the house, so we stay in the driveway. I decide going on the offensive is my best plan of action. I know Julian, and I’ll lose the upper hand here if I don’t come out swinging.
“I’m not in the mood for a lecture, Julian, so if you planned on giving me one, you may want to reconsider.”
Yep. Bitchy and rude and right on target. The look on Julian’s face is one of confusion and hurt. I try not to let it get to me. I made a decision this weekend to end this, and I have to be strong here.
“What the hell does that mean? I don’t lecture you all the time.”
“Yes, Julian, you do lecture me. I’m always doing or not doing or saying or not saying something wrong. Right now I’m not in the mood to hear whatever you think it is I did wrong this time.”
“Can we go inside?” Julian’s voice is no more than a whisper. I know he won’t let me just stand in the driveway and fight with him, so I nod and go inside. Julian walks straight to my bedroom, and I feel like I have no choice but to follow. I really didn’t think this through. I wouldn’t have chosen to do this here. I actually should have done it over the phone, but it’s too late for that now. I walk in, and he shuts the door behind me. He starts pacing back and forth. I move away from him but stay standing.
“What’s going on? And please don’t play games here, because I’m really confused.”
I take a moment to gather the words that have been in my mind the last few days and try to push them out of my mouth. They don’t want to come out. Julian’s physical presence is throwing me off. I’m finally able to get them out, and they taste horrible because they’re all lies.
“I don’t want you here right now. Actually, I don’t want you here at all. This time apart was good for me. It showed me how crazy this whole thing between us is. It really is like a rollercoaster ride, and I enjoyed being off of it. I want off.”
Julian is looking at me like I’m nuts. He also looks pissed. His voice is no longer calm. “What the hell happened while I was gone, Alexa, because I have no idea why you’re acting this way? Are you trying to break up with me, because that’s what it sounds like?”
My heart is racing, and I’m trembling a little. It’s so hard to be around him and not touch him. I need to stay strong though. “Nothing happened, Julian. I just told you, I had time to think. I can’t do that when you’re around because my judgment is clouded by the great sex. I’ve had a very peaceful couple days, and I just don’t think you and I are good together. Our relationship isn’t healthy.”
Julian finally sits down on the bed and runs his hands through his hair. He’s staring at me but not saying anything. It’s unnerving, and I want him to respond. He doesn’t, and the silence is deafening, so I continue. I’m starting to feel badly, so I try and take total ownership of this situation.
“Do you remember the first song I sent you? The one about not wanting to hurt again? I meant it. I can’t do this. I need out before this thing between us wrecks me. This isn’t really about you—”
Julian cuts me off. His voice is impatient. “It’s me, not you? Is that where you’re going with this? Because if so, you can just stop. The only thing crazy is how you’re acting right now.” He takes a deep breath and exhales. “I have no idea where to start here because you just fucking blindsided me, and I make it a point to never let that happen.”
Julian gets off the bed quickly and takes me in his arms before I have a chance to respond or move away. He’s holding me tightly, and my arms are pinned to my side. He presses his lips to my ear and whispers, “First of all, you’re not breaking up with me, so let’s take that off the table and move on to whatever is really going on.”
His tone is calm, and his touch nonthreatening, but I don’t process it that way. With no warning, my past and present collide in a major way, and an image of Brady holding me in a similar way and telling me he wasn’t letting me leave bursts into my mind in the most vivid way. For a split second, I’m there, in his room, and Julian is Brady. I’m overwhelmed with a feeling of utter panic, and when I look up at Julian, he’s noticeably shocked by what he sees in my eyes. He lets me go before the words even come out. He sees my fear and takes a step back. There’s venom in my voice when I speak, and I don’t even sound like myself.
“Let me fucking go, and don’t ever tell me what I’m going to do or not do. Who the fuck do you think you are coming in here and telling me I have to be with you. Maybe you didn’t hear me the first time. I was trying to be nice, but I’ll skip that this time. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I wish you didn’t come here tonight. I wish you never came into my life at all. Just leave, Julian. Please.”
The words come out in a torrent of pain and with them come the tears. Julian looks shell-shocked, and it makes me feel worse. He has no idea what’s going on. He has no idea that Brady’s and my last night played out something like this. I wanted out, and Brady wouldn’t accept it, so I stayed. I stayed the night, and it changed my whole life. Julian has no idea I felt dead before I met him and that being away from him for five days was so hard for me. He has no idea I already need him that much. He has no idea I need to push him away so I never feel that kind of hurt and betrayal again.
Julian backs up and sits down at my desk. He’s as far away from me as he can be in my room, but he still feels too close. He shakes his head slowly.
“I’m staying because I said I would and because you have asked me to over and over again. I’m staying because you’re not okay right now, and I have no idea what’s happening or what happened while I was gone. You’re scaring me a little here, and I don’t want to go. But if you tell me the truth, and I see you are you’re okay, I’ll leave. Okay? And please be honest with me, Alexa. We promised each other we would always be honest.”
His voice is gentle, and his eyes are filled with compassion, and my need to pull him close edges out my desire to push him away. Through my tears, I try to give him the truth he does deserve.
I sit down on my bed and try to find the words. “I was doing fine until you came along. Now everything I’ve worked so hard for is gone.”
“What’s gone, Alexa? What have you been working for? I’m not trying to be a jerk, baby, but I don’t understand any of this. I know we didn’t get to talk for a few days, but I’m having a hard time believing this is all because of that.”
It becomes so obvious to me that my refusal to tell him anything about my past has really left him in the dark. “I don’t want to be this girl, Julian. I didn’t used to be this girl. Í hate this girl.” He still looks confused, so I continue.
“The girl who can’t go a few days without talking to her boyfriend, or whatever you are to me, without freaking out or getting all insecure and jealous. The girl who waits by the phone on a Friday and Saturday night hoping he’ll call her. The girl who, after only a month, missed him so badly it actually hurt her heart. That’s the girl I don’t want to be.”
Julian stands up and takes a step toward me. I shake my head no. I’m calming down, and if he touches me, I’ll lose it.
“Can I sit by you? I won’t touch you.” His voice is pleading, and I see his own pain. I may not
have completely opened up to him emotionally, but I have physically. This man has touched almost every inch of my body, and now I won’t let him near me. I don’t blame him for being upset by that.
I nod yes, and he comes and sits on the edge of the bed near me. He doesn’t try to touch me. He just stares into my eyes and speaks in a whisper.
“I’m so glad you’re that girl, Alexa, because that girl belongs with the guy who couldn’t stay focused on work because all he wanted to do was get back to Miami. She belongs with the guy who freaked out when his girlfriend refused to speak to him and tried to find a way to cut his very important business trip short. That girl belongs with the guy who missed her so much it actually hurt his heart too. That girl needs to stay with the guy who, despite his best efforts to not feel this way, can’t imagine her not being in his life.”
My tears have stopped, and I’m feeling a tiny bit better. His words are soothing.
“You can’t say things like that to me and then disappear, Julian. I can’t stay in this relationship if you can’t even make time to call me.”
“I’m so sorry, baby. I fucked up here, and I see that. I don’t want to make any excuses, but I was extremely busy and never alone. I even shared a room with Danny on three of the nights. These trips are like that. We were being wined and dined, and it was nonstop. I tried to come home Saturday after you refused to talk to me, but I couldn’t leave my dad and Danny there without me. One day soon I’ll tell you about my dad, but now isn’t the time. Please just know I never stopped thinking about you for a minute.”
I just sit there and process what he said. I’m really curious about what’s going on with his dad, but he made it clear he doesn’t want to talk about it now, and we have our own issues to deal with.
“Why do you want to do this, Julian? I clearly am a mess. You don’t need this drama. You don’t deserve it.”
Julian gives me a small smile. It’s the first one tonight. “You definitely keep me on my toes. You’re passionate, Alexa, and I love that about you.”
I can’t help but smile back at him. “That’s a nice spin on my crazy, Julian. Passionate has a better ring to it.”
I reach over and thread my fingers through his and squeeze. He squeezes back.
“Alexa, you do know I would never ever force you to do anything, right?”
Great. He isn’t letting that go, and I’m not surprised. My reaction to his touch a little while ago was extreme.
“Yes, I know that. I just overreacted. I was mad at you, I’m tired, and I have PMS.” I try to say it convincingly, but Julian isn’t buying it.
“Do you also know you can tell me anything, baby? I mean it. Anything.”
Oh yes. He’s on to me. This is the second time I’ve reacted badly when he touched me. The first time ended with me having a panic attack, and this time with me freaking out and bursting into tears. He knows something is going on with me, but there’s no chance we’re having this conversation right now, so I do what I think will distract him. I scoot over on the bed where he’s sitting, wrap my arms around him, put my lips on his, and slide my tongue inside his mouth. He kisses me back and holds me for a minute but then pulls away. He shakes his head.
“I can’t make you talk to me, Alexa, but I’m not going to let you try and avoid dealing with what happened tonight by distracting me with sex. I’ve never wanted you or needed to touch you and feel you more than I do right now, but I don’t think that’s really what you want.”
“You’re wrong, Julian. It is what I want. It’s what I need from you too. I’m fine.” I try to kiss him again, and he turns his head.
“You were scared of me, baby. I saw the fear, and now I’m scared to touch you.”
I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to be able to hide my past from him. I try to offer enough information so we can move past this. I’ve come full circle tonight, and I need him to touch me.
“I’m not scared of you, Julian. It’s not about you, and I’m so sorry I made you feel that way. Your touch makes me feel only good things.” I take the hand I’m still holding and place it over my heart. “Please touch me, Julian.”
Julian leans in and gives me the softest kiss. He pulls me into his arms and holds me. He’s touching me, but it isn’t the same. My reassurances didn’t work. He really is hesitant to touch me, and it’s completely my fault. I’m not sure what to do to make this better.
“Please lay here and hold me, Julian. Don’t pull away. I’m sorry.” I’m begging, and I know it.
I get what I want, and Julian and I lie down on my bed face to face. He has his arm around me and is gently stroking my back. When I look into his beautiful eyes, all I see is compassion, concern, and love. Yes, love. I’m crazy. I’m crazy for not holding on to him as tightly as I can.
“Tell me about your trip. It was successful?”
I hope the change in topic will help even things out, and it does. Julian tells me about the properties they looked at. He comes alive when he tells me he thinks Bywater will be acquiring a small hotel in Sanibel that’s similar to Hotel del Marco. They also will be taking over the construction for a condo complex in Naples where the builders ran into financial problems and need to sell. He gives me details and specifics, and I’m totally interested and thrilled he’s sharing it all with me. He hardly mentions his dad, and I find it odd seeing as his dad is the CEO of Bywater and was with him on the trip. It sounds like he was the one who was brokering all the deals, and I can see he really was busy. We talk about it for an hour, and when I look at the clock, I’m shocked to see it’s already nine thirty.
“Are you staying here tonight, Julian?” I try not to sound desperate, but I need him to.
“Do you want me to, Alexa?” His question is honest, and I can tell he’s still on edge.
“Yes. I want you to stay. My earlier ‘passionate’ request for you to leave has been rescinded.” I attempt to make light of the fact I was trying to break up with him and kick him out a few hours ago.
That makes him smile. “Then I’ll stay. But we need to eat, because I’m starving.”
We head to the kitchen where we find Marissa cleaning up. She tells me her mom sent her home with lasagna tonight and that there’s plenty if we want it. She sits with us while we eat, and Julian tells her about his trip as well. If I didn’t just live through it, I would never believe that a few hours ago I was trying to end this relationship.
After we eat, we clean up. Julian goes out to the car and gets his bag. He obviously came straight here when he got back into town. “Is it cool if I take a quick shower?” He’s already headed to my bathroom and doesn’t extend an invitation for me to join him.
“Yes, if you promise to hurry back.”
Julian turns, looks over his shoulder, and winks. “Hang tight, baby, I’ll be back before you miss me.”
I take my clothes off, dim the lights, and get into bed. I’m lying there with my eyes closed when I feel Julian slip in next to me. I open my eyes and gaze into his. They’re soft, and his voice quiet. “Tell me what you need from me, Alexa.”
Right now I know exactly what I need. “Make love to me, Julian. I need you to make love to me.”
Julian pulls me tightly to him and buries his face in my neck. I can feel his heartbeat pounding in his chest. I know why he’s having this reaction. I asked him to make love to me. I chose my words carefully. I know what I said, and I know what it means.
He reaches into my nightstand, takes out a condom, and puts in on. He doesn’t take his eyes off of me for a second. When he’s done, he positions himself on top of me and enters me slowly. He feels incredible inside of me, and once again I’m amazed at how my body responds to his. We fit together perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle. My mouth finds his, and I slide my tongue in and kiss him like it’s the last time I’m going to have a chance to. I pour all of the hurt, anger, sadness, an
d desperation I’ve been feeling into this kiss. I want to pour myself into him. I need him to feel how I feel about him. He has to know how much I want and need him. I know he gets it when he pulls away for a minute and whispers in my ear. “Let it all go, baby. I’ve got you. You can hold on to me, Alexa. I’m here. I’m here.”
As Julian slides slowly in and out of me, he continues to whisper beautiful things to me, and every last bit of doubt and tension I’ve been feeling for days fades away. I’m not sure what I did to deserve him, but Julian is here with me, and despite my best attempts to chase him away, he has stayed. As a result, I’m healing, and I’m so grateful. I hold him tightly until his climax subsides, and I savor the feel of his hard body on top of mine. After a few minutes, he gets up and goes to the bathroom to throw the condom away. He quickly gets back in bed and pulls me close to him.
“It’s not a good idea for me to go that many days without you, Julian. I need this. Not necessarily the sex, but the physical connection. Your touch. I need it.” I’m opening up to him in hopes he really understands it wasn’t just the lack of talking that got me all crazy. It was the lack of his presence period. His strength and energy help center me.
“I get it, Alexa. I feel off when you’re not around, and I’m glad you’re bringing it up now, so we can talk about how not to let this happen again. I have a crazy week coming up, and I think you should come and stay with me at my place. I would come here, but I need to stay close to the hotel.”
Wow. He’s asking me to stay with him for the week. This week of all weeks is the one week I shouldn’t spend so much time with him, but after the crazy behavior I just displayed, I’m not sure how I can say no. I don’t want to say no, I just have a bad feeling I’m not going to be able to keep it together all week. Julian takes my silence as a no and tries to convince me.
Stay Page 33