“Don’t freak out. I’m not asking you to move in with me. It’s temporary. I’ll be working a lot of hours, and I just want to be able to come home and find you in my bed. You can just come over late if that works better for you.”
He sounds so nervous, and I find it endearing. “Julian, I’m just trying to think about what I need to pack. You saw how much stuff I brought for two nights didn’t you? I don’t travel light.”
I get a real laugh out of him this time. “So you’ll come?”
“Don’t I always, Julian?”
“Hmm … yes, you do always come. It’s another thing I love about you.”
I take a deep breath and exhale. We’re okay. The banter feels like us. I snuggle into him and close my eyes. I quickly begin to drift off to sleep. This day has kicked my ass big time. I’m just about asleep when Julian whispers in my ear. I don’t know if he thinks I’m awake or not. “Let me be here for you, Alexa. I need this too. Let me help you heal, baby.”
My heart swells with his words, and I take a minute to absorb them before I respond. The old Lexie would turn around and tell him she was fine and that there wasn’t anything to heal. The old Lexie would be mad and hurt that he felt the need to fix her. But thank God the new Lexie found some strength tonight and is willing to admit she needs and wants that from him. I know Julian knows something traumatic happened to me, and I bet he even might know what it is. But he isn’t going to make me tell him until I’m ready. That means more to me than anything right now.
I don’t turn and face him, but I make sure my words are loud enough for him to hear. “You are, Julian, you are.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Something is shaking me, and I can’t tell what or who it is because it’s so dark. At first the shaking is soft, but it becomes stronger as the moments pass. I want to yell and ask what’s going on, but the words won’t come out of my mouth.
“Alexa, wake up, baby, you’re okay.” I hear Julian’s voice in the distance. He seems so far away.
“Please, Alexa, you’re having a nightmare. Wake up!”
The last part of his sentence along with the shaking jolts me awake, and I sit straight up. I’m not disorientated because I’ve been through this before. But I’m scared because I have no idea what I was saying or doing. Julian has turned the light on and is sitting next to me on the bed. It’s four in the morning. He looks a little freaked out. Oh crap. My dream starts coming back to me, and I can feel the tears on my cheeks. It was the dream where I find Brady dead. Julian takes me in his arms and holds me close. I wait for him to say something first because I don’t want to share any more than is necessary.
“My God, Alexa. Are you okay?”
I nod my head yes.
“Do you remember your dream? Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.” I’m totally lying. I remember it all.
“You’re crying, Alexa. You kept saying the words ‘I forgive you,’ over and over again. Who do you need to forgive, Alexa? Who hurt you, baby? Please talk to me.” His voice is pleading and desperate.
I wipe the tears from my face and look into the eyes of the man I’m falling in love with. The man who is begging me to let him in. It breaks my heart when the words come out of my mouth, but I can’t tell him about this. Not yet.
“I don’t remember the dream, Julian. I have no idea why I was saying any of that.”
He just shakes his head at me and looks down for a minute. When he looks up, I see the sadness he isn’t afraid to show me in his eyes. His voice is little more than a whisper when he responds.
“You and I both know you’re not being honest. I’m not going to push you because I have a feeling that would be worse. But you’re going to need to talk to me, or someone, about whatever’s going on with you, Alexa. It’s going to tear you apart, and it’s going to tear us apart. Secrets do that. They always do.”
I’m not going to argue with him or try to prove he’s wrong. There’s no point.
“You asked me earlier what I needed from you. Well right now I just need you to hold me. Is that okay, Julian? Can you please just hold me?”
He turns the light off, lays back down, and pulls me to him. I close my eyes and try to absorb the warmth that’s radiating from his body. He never lets me go, and I fall back into a fitful sleep.
I’m woken up again before my alarm. This time it’s by the horrible cramps that usually accompany my period. I wiggle out of Julian’s arms and head to the bathroom. Yep. My period is here. I put a tampon in, take three Advil, and head back to bed. I feel completely hung over, and I didn’t drink a thing last night. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and my heart hurts. The fact that I haven’t slept well in four days just makes everything worse. It’s almost seven. I make the decision right then that if I go into work at all today, it isn’t going to be until later.
Julian is sound asleep, and I take the opportunity to watch him. I’m hurting right now, and until the pain meds kick in, I won’t be falling back to sleep. The morning sun is peeking through my blinds and landing on Julian’s face. He looks so young, so peaceful, and so beautiful. The stress of last night isn’t showing on his face, and I’m happy to see he was able to fall back asleep. I’m hoping he’s as calm when he actually wakes up. I stay there looking at him for another thirty minutes and try to memorize his face. I run my finger over the scar above his eye and make a mental note to ask him where he got it. My touch makes him stir, and his eyes slowly open. He reaches for me and pulls me close. I flip around so we’re spooning.
He whispers in my ear, his voice heavily coated with the remnants of sleep, “Good morning, beautiful.”
“Good morning, handsome.”
“Have you been awake long?”
“Not long.” I lie because I don’t want him to know I’ve been laying here staring at him.
“Don’t you need to get up?” He looks at the clock. It’s now seven forty-five.
“I’m calling in sick to work today, so no, I don’t need to get up.”
“Are you okay? Or just tired?” He sounds concerned, and I know the memories of my nightmare are not far away.
“I got my period this morning, and I have horrible cramps. My head is killing me, and I’m exhausted. So no, I’m not really okay.”
He rubs my stomach. “Can I get you anything?”
He’s extremely nurturing. It’s an odd quality in a man who supposedly doesn’t get close to people.
“Thanks, but I already took a few Advil. They should be kicking in pretty soon.”
He continues to rub my stomach and even massages my lower back a little. I have to ask.
“Julian, don’t take this the wrong way, but who taught you to be so nurturing and such a good caretaker? You say you don’t get close to people, but it’s so hard to believe.”
“I spent a lot of time with Isabelle when she was sick. I also pretty much took care of Danny in the end, when Isabelle was dying. My parents were a mess and didn’t have much to give to him. I guess that’s where it comes from.”
He says it like taking care of his dying sister and his little brother was no big deal. I’m in awe of his modesty.
“They both were so lucky to have you, Julian. You have such a soothing energy. I can only imagine how safe and loved you must have made them feel.”
“I hope so. I hope that’s what she felt at the end. I think she did.” He sounds far away, and I’m sure he’s lost in a distant memory.
I flip over so I’m facing him. “I’m sorry if bringing it up upset you.”
He looks me in the eyes and without skipping a beat responds, “It’s okay. I have no problem talking about my past with you. I want you to know me. I keep telling you that. You couldn’t really know me if you didn’t know about Isabelle. About her dying.”
Well okay. We both know what that comment really means,
but I’m not biting. I don’t want to fight, so I change the subject.
“When do you need to leave?”
Julian narrows his eyes and gives me a look that says he knows I’m deflecting. “I need to be at the hotel by ten. We have a staff meeting every Monday at that time.”
“What time do you usually get home? I’ll make you dinner, if that’s okay with you.”
“Dinner? Absolutely! I’ll make sure to be home by seven. I’ll leave a key for you at the desk. Ask the doorman to bring your stuff up and park in spot 532. That one is mine too.”
We talk for a few more minutes before Julian gets out of bed. He uses the bathroom and tells me he’ll let himself out. He suggests I get some sleep, seeing as I had such a rough night. He isn’t going to let this go. I see it now. He won’t make me tell him, but he’ll try to guilt it out of me. He has no idea who he’s dealing with. I can be a vault. As for staying in bed, I agree. I pull the covers up and burrow in. Julian kisses me on the forehead and tells me he’ll see me later.
I text both Lauren and Ramon to let them know I won’t be in today because I’m not feeling well. I also send an e-mail to Andrea and our receptionist, Molly. After that, I fall back asleep and don’t wake up until after noon. I’m a little groggy when I wake up, but my headache is gone, and my cramps are tolerable. After I shower and blow out my hair, I head into my closet to figure out what I want to bring to Julian’s. I decide I’ll just pack for Tuesday and Wednesday. I have my appointment with Ellen on Wednesday, so I can swing by home after and pick up more clothes. It’s two o’clock by the time I’ve gotten my things and myself ready. I open my laptop and check my e-mails. I answer a few time-sensitive ones and close it back down. I’m officially off today anyway. I still need to go to the grocery store, but I have hours to kill before I need to get dinner started at Julian’s. I can’t stop thinking about him, and I want him to know it.
Alexa: Missing you. Counting the hours. 5 more
He responds right away.
Julian: Hope you slept and are feeling better. See you at 7
I haven’t seen my parents in a few weeks, and we really haven’t talked either, so I call my mom to catch up. She’s in a great mood. She can’t stop talking about the new house Tracy is thinking of buying and about Jill trying to get pregnant. She tells me stories about my nieces from her recent visit to Atlanta. She’s distracted with my sisters, so there’s no pressure on me at the moment. I’m okay with the fact she really doesn’t ask anything about me. She’s not like Julian’s mom. She would never let the story end with, “I met a guy.” I haven’t told anybody in my family about Julian. Not even my sisters. I’m not ready to introduce even the idea of him until I’m 100 percent sure he’ll be sticking around. We talk for about forty-five minutes. I tell her to give my love to my dad and promise I’ll come for dinner soon.
When Julian walks into his kitchen at 6:52 p.m., I greet him, in a patterned pink sundress and J. Renee beaded, thong sandals, in the kitchen. The smell of my Thai-inspired shrimp stir-fry and jasmine rice fills the air. I’ve made it a few times and know it’s yummy. He walks in, picks me up in a bear hug, and kisses me passionately. He’s obviously happy to see me.
“Well how was your day, dear?” I’m trying to be cute. This scene is very domesticated.
“Better now. It smells awesome in here. I’m starving. Is it almost ready?”
“It is ready. Just waiting for you.”
Julian looks at his watch. “And I’m on time. Early, even.” He’s in a playful, relaxed mood. I love this Julian.
I figured we’d eat at the island, and I have it all set up. He sits down, and I bring the food over. I picked out a bottle of Riesling to go with dinner but ask Julian if he’d prefer something different.
“This is perfect, Alexa. My mom and Dario are the only people who ever cook for me, and never here, so this is a treat.”
“Great. No pressure. You told me your mom is a great cook, and Dario is an award-winning chef. Not sure my cooking skills can compare.”
“Well, if they’re as good as all of your other skills, this is going to taste amazing.” Julian winks at me and takes a bite.
“This tastes great, Alexa. What aren’t you good at?”
Um. Communicating my feelings? Letting people in? I’m not good at all kinds of emotional stuff, and he knows it, but if he wants to focus on my culinary and bedroom skills, I’m cool with it.
I answer playfully, “Well, I’m not going to tell you that, Julian. I’ll just keep trying to dazzle you with my many talents.”
“If I was any more dazzled by you, I’d be blind. You’re a very beautiful woman, Alexa Rose, inside and out.”
I just sit there and smile at him. He does know how to make me feel good about myself. Even when I have cramps and am feeling bloated and gross, he finds me beautiful. “You do know you can call me Lexie, right?”
He shrugs his shoulders, “I do call you Lexie.”
I shake my head at him. “No, you really don’t. You have a few times when we were having sex, but it’s Alexa 99 percent of the time.”
He thinks about it for a minute. “I guess you’re right. You made that comment about nicknames a few weeks ago, and I guess it stuck with me. You’re Alexa to me now. Does it bother you?”
Damn. I knew I never should have said that. I was right when I thought it bothered him at the time. “A little. The people closest to me call me Lexie.”
“Am I one of those people now?”
I look him directly in the eyes. “I hope so.” And I mean it. I have my issues, but I’m trying really hard to get close to Julian.
My response makes him smile, and on the way back from bringing his plate to the sink, he stops where I’m still sitting and hugs me. “Thank you for dinner, Lexie. It was delicious.”
We spend the rest of the night being normal. We talk about our days and snuggle together on the couch watching TV. He rubs my back and gets me ice cream when I mention that I totally crave sweets when I have my period. We get ready for bed together, in his bathroom, and I can’t help but think how far we’ve come in such a short time. I silently give him all the credit. I asked him to not let me ruin this, and he has kept his end of the bargain. As I fall asleep in his arms, I actually give myself permission to relax and be happy.
Tuesday morning is a continuation of Monday night. We both slept well, and I’m in a great mood. I’m trying as hard as I can to focus on what’s right in front of me, and I even convince myself that this weekend will pass with no major issues.
Julian lets me shower first, and while I’m in here, I think about when we were in here, and it gets me a little hot and bothered. This is the first time I’ve had my period since we started seeing each other, and the whole topic is uncomfortable when you don’t know how the other person feels about being intimate during that time. One guy I saw for a few months in college treated me like I had the plague when I had my period. He was an idiot and didn’t last long, but it stuck with me. I don’t want to have intercourse right now anyway, but I’m not sure I can keep my hands off of Julian all week. It’s especially difficult when he sleeps naked and walks around his room the same way. He’s naked when I come out of the bathroom, and I can’t take my eyes off of him. He catches me staring.
“Stop looking at me like that, Lexie, or I can’t be held accountable for my actions.”
“Then stop walking around here naked, Julian. I’m out of commission here, and it’s killing me.”
“Oh, we can fix that really quickly, corazón. There are all kinds of things I can do to help you out.” Julian walks over to me, and before I can say another word he has removed my bra and pinned me to the bed with his beautiful, naked body. His mouth feels hot and wet on my breasts, and as he caresses, licks, and gently bites at my swollen nipples, he presses his erection into my panty-covered sex. I grind my hips into his and am comi
ng in record time.
As I catch my breath, I give him the praise he deserves. “Good God, Julian, you make that look so easy. I think I just went from zero to sixty in less than five minutes. Your mouth is dangerous.”
He rolls off of me and laughs as he heads to the shower. “It takes two people, Lexie. I told you before; your body was made for mine.”
“Hey, you’re not out of commission. Come back here and let me return the favor.”
Julian calls back over his shoulder, “You can return the favor as often as you want tonight, baby. I’ll be looking forward to it all day.”
I finish getting dressed and think about all the ways I can pleasure Julian tonight. He’s always so considerate of my needs, and I want to make him feel as good as he makes me feel.
I brought a couple outfits and decide on a black-and-white, tank, sheath dress with touches of light yellow in the print. I wear it with a pair of yellow open-toed Marc Jacobs pumps and my favorite silver hoops. I know I look good when Julian comes out and whistles at me.
“Have I told you I love the way you dress, Lexie? You have a great sense of style.”
“Thanks, Julian. If you don’t stop complimenting me, I’m really going to get a big head.”
“Just calling it like I see it.”
He smiles at me and heads into his own closet to get ready. I follow him in. I’ve never gone in before, and when I do, I fall in love. Talk about a dream closet. It’s huge, and it’s filled to the brim with clothes and shoes. I can’t help but laugh.
“Seriously, Julian. You’re never allowed to comment on my shoe addiction again. It looks like a department store in here.”
“I told you I liked shoes too, Lexie. It wasn’t a secret. Why do you think I felt sorry for your closet?” He’s laughing as he gets dressed in a pair of tan slacks, a chocolate-brown, button-down shirt, and pair of brown leather Prada loafers I know cost at least six hundred dollars. I swear I’m jealous of my boyfriend’s shoes. As I watch him finish getting ready, I think about how nice it would be to have a closet like this, and I allow myself to think about my stuff in here. I allow just a little hope in.
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