We both head off to work after grabbing a cup of coffee, and Julian tells me to meet him at the hotel for dinner tonight. I tell him I can’t wait.
Chapter Thirty
I don’t usually come down to the beach during any kind of work hour traffic, so I don’t plan my time well. I don’t get to the hotel until seven thirty. I text Julian to let him know I’m running late but never hear back from him. I really don’t even know where to look for him, so I just go to the front desk and ask for him. The woman at the desk gets a little possessive and wants to know who I am and asks if Julian is expecting me. When I answer yes, she looks skeptical but calls him anyway. I stand in the lobby waiting for about five minutes before I see him coming through the lobby. He sees me and breaks out in a huge smile. I walk toward him, and when I’m close enough, he wraps his arms around me and gives me a sweet kiss on the lips. So much for no PDA. When I look around, it’s obvious by everyone’s expressions they’re surprised at our interaction.
I whisper into Julian’s ear, “You have just totally shocked your staff.”
He whispers back, “Because I kissed you? Just imagine what they’d think if I greeted you the way I wanted to and started ripping your clothes off.”
I pull back, and he’s smiling his sexy smile at me. “Want to find out?” I’m kidding, but my response elicits a groan from him.
He takes my hand, walks me over to the front desk, and starts introducing me to the staff as his girlfriend. Holy shit. I was not expecting this. I haven’t even told my family about him, and he’s telling all these people who work for him who I am to him. We have kind of danced around the topic, but I was just trying to break up with him forty-eight hours ago. Who knows what I’ll do next, and I’d hate for it to embarrass him. I kinda feel sick to my stomach now.
I’m not the only one a little shocked by Julian’s declaration. These people all look totally shocked too. Everyone, that is, except Candace, who has joined us in the middle of introductions. She looks disgusted and is shooting venom eye darts my way. What a bitch.
I put the fakest smile I have on my face and turn and face her directly. I even extend my hand, which she takes reluctantly. “Hi, Candace. It’s great to see you again.”
Her smile is equally as phony, and I know we’re on the same page. She doesn’t like me, and the feeling is mutual. “It’s great to see you again too, Alison.”
“It’s Alexa.”
“Oh yeah, sure. Um, Julian, are you getting ready to leave because we really need to go over some details for the shoot and your interview on Saturday.”
Another photo shoot? And an interview? Julian hasn’t mentioned either.
“We can talk about it tomorrow, Candace. Lexie and I are leaving.” He wraps his arm around me possessively, and I appreciate it.
Candace scowls at me and turns to walk away. As we head toward Ursa’s, Julian once again tries to defend her behavior.
“She really is a nice person.”
“Ha. Maybe. But she’ll never be nice to me. She wants you, and now that you announced I was your girlfriend, it will only be worse.” Something in my voice clues Julian in to the fact that maybe I wasn’t totally on board with that information going public.
He stops and turns me to face him. He looks hurt, and Candace is no longer the topic. “You’re upset I told my staff you’re my girlfriend?”
Crap. This isn’t the way I wanted this night to start. “Kind of, but not for any reason you might think of.”
“Seriously? Please explain why me telling people we’re together is an issue.” He sounds frustrated.
“It makes me feel awesome that you want to tell people we’re together, but I kind of prefer keeping things private. I was a crazy chick two days ago trying to break up with you. I don’t want to do anything to embarrass you, and if people know, it’ll just be worse.”
Julian tries to absorb my ramblings before he responds. “Last week you were upset I didn’t introduce you to Elyse and Victoria. Now you’re upset that I did introduce you to people here.” He shakes his head and continues. “You aren’t an embarrassment to me, and I don’t see you becoming one either. Yes, you were acting crazy trying to break up with me two days ago, but that isn’t going to happen again, so we can just move past it.”
I could try to explain that it’s completely different, but I don’t bother. He hid me from those girls and didn’t even acknowledge me. That was a different issue, but I’m going to let it go. I don’t want to argue or put a damper on the night. I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck. He wraps his around my waist.
“I’m sorry. Thank you for wanting people to know who I am to you.” Julian smiles and kisses me. I made him happy, but the uncomfortable feeling I have lingers. I have no doubt I’ll do something to screw this up.
When we get into the kitchen, Dario has our table all set up. The food is awesome, and the rest of dinner passes without any more drama. We don’t get back to Julian’s house until almost ten. We both go into the bathroom to brush our teeth, and I walk out first, so I can change. I’m still not feeling great and am ready to get into bed. I know Julian is probably expecting a little action, but for the first time since we met, I’m not up for it. I’m bloated, cranky, and I ate too much. Ick. We both have been sleeping naked, and when I put on a pair of purple–and-white-striped sleep shorts and a white tank top, I hope Julian gets the hint. He does and puts a pair of black, cotton pajama bottoms on.
He doesn’t seem upset though. “If you’re trying to not look sexy, it’s not working.”
I shrug my shoulders, smile, and get under the covers. “You can still sleep naked.”
He climbs into bed and snuggles me close to him. “Too tempting.”
“I hope it’s okay that I’m just not feeling it tonight. I do owe you.”
He shakes his head and looks offended. “Lexie, I’m not keeping score. You can say no whenever you need or want to.” I may be hypersensitive but I think I hear a double meaning in his comment, and I quickly change the subject.
“I think I might spend the night at home tomorrow night. I have plans, and I wouldn’t get back here till late.” My plans are with Ellen, and I could be back by eight thirty, but I’ve been feeling a little on edge since the whole girlfriend thing happened, and a little space is probably a good idea. Julian doesn’t see it that way.
“Plans? Are you going out?” He sounds a little annoyed and a little jealous. I did originally agree to stay here all week. I pause for a minute and then decide to tell him about Ellen. I put a caveat on my admission first. “I’ll tell you what my plans are, but I would prefer you don’t ask me a lot of questions after. I’m trying to be open with you, but it’s still hard for me.” I exhale and wait to see if he agrees.
“Okay. No questions. I promise.” Good.
“I see a therapist every Wednesday night. I have for almost a year. Her name is Ellen.”
Oh wow. I can almost see the wheels turning in Julian’s head, and I know he’s regretting he made that promise. I feel bad for him. “Okay, one question, but seriously, just one.”
He looks at me pensively for a minute, and I think he’s trying to decide what to ask. I’m wrong. He doesn’t ask a question. He makes a statement. “I glad you have someone to talk to. Someone you trust. Maybe one day I can be that kind of person to you.” There isn’t a hint of any other emotion but sincerity, and it melts my heart. He really is a good guy.
I can’t find the right words, so I just hug him tightly. After a few minutes, Julian reaches over and turns off the light. I flip over so we’re spooning. Things just got a little emotional, and I can’t take the edge off with anything physical. I feel a little raw because I believe Julian is only going to put up with my issues for so long. He keeps putting himself out there, and I just can’t meet him halfway on a consistent basis. It makes me feel inadequate.
“Go
odnight, Alexa.” My heart sinks. It’s Alexa again.
In my dream, I’m running through Stellar screaming Brady’s name. I think I keep getting glimpses of him, but then he disappears each time I get close. I find Luke behind the bar, and I ask him to help me find Brady, but he won’t. I beg, and he just tells me he won’t help me because I refuse to take his advice. I keep yelling at him that it’s going to be too late. I’m desperate and crying when I hear Julian’s voice coming through my dream.
“Wake up, Alexa. You’re dreaming again. It’s just a dream.”
I feel the tears on my face as I slowly open my eyes. Julian is looking down at me. I turn my head to look at the clock. It’s two forty-three. I roll over and pull the covers up to me. I don’t want to talk about it.
“I’m sorry I woke you up again. I’m okay. Let’s go back to sleep.”
“Look at me, baby.”
I shake my head no. I’ll start crying harder if I look at him. God, this is so fucked up. I’m not going to be able to spend the night with him if this keeps happening.
His voice is soft and pleading. “Please, Lexie. Mírame.”
I relent and turn over. He brushes his fingers over my face and wipes away my tears. “I know I promised I wouldn’t ask questions, but this person you see, Ellen, is she helping you with your nightmares?”
“She’s trying.” I whisper the words.
“You kept saying it was going to be too late. I know you remember the dream, Lexie. Talk to me. Please.”
Yeah. Not happening. “Maybe I should go home or sleep in the guest room or on the couch. I feel awful I keep waking you up.”
Julian shakes his head slowly. “Damn it, Lexie. Why do you keep doing that? You keep pushing me away. I’m begging you to let me in. I understand more than you think I do. I had horrible nightmares after Isabelle died. It helps to talk about it.”
I try to offer a small smile. “I’m glad talking helped you heal. I do talk about it, and to be honest, it hasn’t helped much. Let’s just go back to bed, okay?”
He isn’t going to just let this go. “Maybe you need to talk to someone else if you aren’t getting any better.”
Hmm … getting any better? His words are interesting. He’s implying something needs to be fixed. This is why I don’t tell him anything. I don’t want him to think he needs to fix me.
“And you’re volunteering for the job?”
He doesn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“I can’t talk to you. Especially you. I don’t want this to be how you see me. I didn’t want you to know about the nightmares. I told you, I don’t want to be that girl, Julian. Why can’t you understand? I hate it that you keep seeing me like this. I just want to run.” The tears come again and roll slowly down my cheeks.
“I’m not going to let you run, baby. I need you to stay with me. You just need to stay.”
I flip back over and let him pull me close. I don’t close my eyes though. After a while, I hear Julian’s breathing turn deep, and I know he’s asleep. I wiggle out of his arms and get out of bed. I quietly make my way out of the bedroom and head toward the terrace. I grab a throw off of his couch and go outside. It’s almost three thirty in the morning. It’s actually warm outside, and the breeze feels nice. My thoughts are so jumbled, and once again I feel my past, present, and future all colliding. I’m tired, emotionally and physically. I just don’t know how long I can keep doing this.
I fall asleep for a few hours but wake up again at six thirty when I feel the sun shining on my face. I open my eyes and find Julian sitting next to me, watching me. He doesn’t look upset. He smiles at me. “I’ve always thought about sleeping out here.”
I’m so glad he doesn’t seem upset. I really can’t handle it. “It’s pretty comfortable.”
“You must be exhausted. Let me go get you some coffee.” He heads to the kitchen to get me some coffee, and once again I’m amazed at his willingness to deal with my drama. He comes back, hands me my coffee, and sits down next to me on the couch. He rubs my feet but doesn’t say anything else for a few minutes.
I feel the need to try to explain my actions, again. “Julian—”
He cuts me off. “Lexie. You don’t need to say anything. I’m not happy about it, but you’ve made it clear you aren’t willing or ready to share whatever’s haunting you right now. I won’t keep begging you to talk to me. I’m willing to let this go for a while because I want you to stay, but for your own sake, you need to figure out how to work this out, whatever it is. We have only been together a month, and I can see how badly it’s tearing you apart.”
Everything he said is right. His use of the word haunting is spot-on too. I change the topic and remind him I’m going to spend the night at my house tonight. He’s either okay with the plan or just not complaining because he knows it’s a good idea. We get ready for work without talking very much. There’s definitely tension between us, and I know I’ve put it there. We agree to talk later and go our separate ways. I have that sense of impending doom the whole way into work, and it follows me the whole day.
Chapter Thirty-One
I’m looking forward to my session with Ellen today. She gives me a big hug and smile when I walk into her office. I take off my shoes and settle into her big, comfy brown couch. I know she can tell by my energy I really need to talk.
“How are you, Lexie?”
“Shitty, Ellen, but you already know that.” She smiles, and I love that I can be honest with her.
“I know this is a rough time of year for you.” I started seeing Ellen at the end of the summer last year, a few months after Brady died.
“Yeah. And I’m not dealing very well with all the memories I’m having.”
“Are you having nightmares? Or flashbacks?”
“I’ve had a few nightmares lately.” Or every other night this week, I think, but I don’t offer that up. I refuse to acknowledge my memories as flashbacks. I don’t have PTSD or anything like that. Ellen knows my feelings about this and doesn’t push.
“What are the nightmares about?” I’m not sure why she asks. We’ve gone over this before.
“Same as usual.” Most of my current nightmares are a variation of me trying to tell Brady I forgive him for that night. I beg him to listen and tell him that it’s very important that he knows I forgive him. I keep telling him everything is going to be okay and that we’re going to be fine. In most of the dreams, he’s lying down with his back to me, and I keep shaking him trying to get his attention. He never responds. When I first started having these dreams, I would wake up screaming in frustration. Now I just wake up crying or in a cold sweat. I guess that’s progress.
I know exactly what these dreams mean, and I don’t think it takes a PhD to figure it out.
“Obviously you’re still feeling guilty about not forgiving Brady before he died. Lexie, we have gone over and over this. Brady overdosed. He was an addict and an alcoholic, and that was not your fault. It was also not your fault he chose to swallow a deadly amount of pills and wash it all down with a bottle of whiskey. You didn’t make him do anything else he did that night or any other night during your relationship.”
Anything else he did that night? Ellen is looking right at me and challenging me with her eyes and words. We have become very close over the last eight months, and I know when she doesn’t believe me. She has always suspected there’s more to this story than I’ve shared with her. She never forces me to talk about things I don’t want to, but she does push my comfort boundaries on a regular basis. She has a good bullshit detector, and it’s going off right now. I’ll give her a little bit of what she wants to hear from me so we can stop the fishing expedition.
“I know none of it’s my fault. I didn’t deserve for him to treat me like he did. And although I know I didn’t help the situation by enabling and participating in a lot of the partying, I do know it was his choic
e. I feel guilty because he tried to talk to me and get me to forgive him, and I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t talk to him. I wouldn’t listen. And now he’s dead, and it all seems so pointless. I feel like so much bad shit was going on in his life and that I should have been the one good thing.” I’ve said all of this to Ellen before. Almost verbatim. She’s not buying it.
“All that bad shit that was happening in his life was because he was an addict, Lexie. Do you think if you would have forgiven him, he would still be here today? That he would have stopped using? Because from everything you’ve told me, he was very much in denial about his addiction, and very deep into it. He wasn’t going to change overnight because you forgave him. You didn’t have that kind of power over him. I’m sorry to say it like that because I know you two loved each other, but his choices were not about your actions or reactions. He could have chosen to get clean and earn your forgiveness.”
Ellen isn’t usually so harsh when she talks about Brady. I guess after all this time the kid gloves are coming off. She’s making me uncomfortable, but that’s what usually happens when my skewed perceptions of things collide with reality. I’ve been looking down while she’s talking to me. I’m trying to fend off the hurt, sadness, anger, and acceptance that are racing through me. I want to look up and tell her she just doesn’t understand how I feel and that I know I could have changed him if I had more time—if he wouldn’t have died. But deep down, I know it’s bullshit. I’ve lived with my guilt over Brady’s death for so long now it has become like an old, ratty sweatshirt. It’s dirty and torn and doesn’t fit right anymore, but it’s familiar to my body, and it’s comfortable.
“I guess I’ll never know what my forgiveness would have meant to him.” I look up at her with tears in my eyes and whisper the words. What I do know with absolute certainty is that it’s the unknowing that has me stuck and unable to really let go of the guilt.
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