Stay

by Wynne, Hilary

  Ellen sees I’m processing everything she just said and decides to take the subject down a different path. “Have you shared any of this with Julian? You keep telling me he can read you so well. I’m curious if he’s questioning your moods or your nightmares.” Oh yeah, Julian. That’s a whole other issue.

  “No, I haven’t told Julian anything about Brady, but I know I’m going to have to pretty soon. I’ve had two nightmares in front of him this week, and I won’t tell him what’s going on. He’s losing patience with me. The only thing in my favor is that I’ve been a basket-case since day one, so he hasn’t grown too accustomed to normal Lexie yet, whoever that is.” I try to joke my way through this conversation, but if I know Ellen, she isn’t going to let me take my secret hoarding so lightly.

  “Lexie, do you see yourself having a lasting, meaningful relationship with Julian?”

  “Do I see it, or do I want it? Those are too very different questions.” She’ll be getting frustrated with me very quickly if I keep this up. I’m feeling defensive and vulnerable, and when that happens, I become a master at deflection. Ironically Julian has already figured that out about me and has called me out more than a few times.

  “They can be, but they don’t have to be. Your negative view of your value in this relationship absolutely has the power to end things between you and Julian. It sounds like he’s making a real effort to get to know you, and I’m sure you’re not making it easy on him.” Wow, she just hit the nail on the head. I guess that’s why she sits in the chair, and I sit on the couch.

  “Well, the way I look at it, it’s pretty much a doubled-edged sword. I don’t tell him anything about me and why I’m acting so crazy, and he gets frustrated and bails on the broken girl. Or I tell him all this crap, and he bails because he doesn’t want to deal with all of the broken girl’s crap.”

  “Lexie, why do you think you’re broken?” Ellen looks at me with sadness in her eyes.

  I answer honestly. “Because nothing has really felt right since Brady died. Maybe even a little earlier, when things were starting to spiral out of control. I feel like something’s missing, in me, inside.” I feel a tear escape and roll down my cheek. I don’t even try to wipe it away. “And no matter how great my job is or how awesome my friends and family are, something in me feels like it was broken as a result of my relationship with Brady. All of you have tried to tape and glue me back together, but a piece of my soul is broken beyond repair, and although I’m trying so hard to change, I know I’ll never be the same Alexa I was before.”

  After all these months, that may be the most honest I’ve been with Ellen and with myself. I’ve analyzed my and Brady’s relationship with my inner circle over and over, and no matter what anybody says, I still feel this way. I made so many poor decisions and put myself in more than one really bad situation. I know this is why I question my judgment in regard to my relationship with Julian.

  “Lexie, you’re not broken. I know you don’t believe me, but you really have all the tools you need to have a successful and happy relationship. You just need to be ready to accept that someone can love you because of, and despite, your past.”

  I’m crying a little harder now as our session comes to an end, but I feel a sense of relief that I’ve at least admitted one of my biggest fears. However, I still wish I had the strength to be 100 percent honest with Ellen, or with anyone else about my feelings. I’m still hiding some major stuff from everyone, and although deep down I know I need to get it out to move on, I’m not ready or strong enough to head down that road yet. “Thank you, Ellen. I’m working on it. I have a way to go, but I’m getting there.” I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. “I just wish I knew how I was going to get through the next few weeks.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  I call Julian on my way home from Ellen’s. He’s still at work, and it sounds like he’s in the middle of something. He tries not to be rude, but I can tell he’s busy. He promises to call later, and we get off quickly. I’m actually hoping my roommates are home when I get there, but they’re both out too. Despite my better judgment, I decide to text Luke and see what he’s up to.

  Alexa: What time do you have to be at work tonight?

  Luke: Not working tonight. Y?

  Alexa: Want to come over?

  Luke: Sure. See you soon

  I know this isn’t a good idea. Things between Luke and I have been weird for weeks, but I want to see him. I’m feeling like I need to talk to someone. He shows up thirty minutes later. I’m sitting in the living room drinking my second glass of wine when he comes in. He takes one look at my face and knows something is up.

  “What’s up, Lex. You look like hell.”

  “Hey, Luke. That’s nice. Appreciate it.”

  “You look exhausted. And sad. What’s wrong?”

  “I’m tired and sad. This week is sucking for me in a big way.”

  He looks hesitant to ask but does anyway. “Julian … or Brady?”

  I knew he would get it. “Both. I’m being bombarded with memories of Brady, and I’ve had three nightmares in the last week. I can’t stop thinking about him.”

  Luke comes and sits by me. “Me either, Lex. I’ve been thinking about him a lot too. I miss him.”

  I look at Luke, and for the first time in months, I think about him, not me, in regards to how this is all affecting him. They were friends their whole life.

  “I want to remember good things, Luke, and I can’t. There were good things though, right? I didn’t make that up?” I think that if I can remember some of the good things, maybe I’ll be able to push the bad memories out.

  “No, Lex. There were good things. A lot of good things. But there was so much bad too. I know how hard this is for you, and I wish I could say something to make it better.”

  “Knowing you get it helps more than you know, Luke. I feel like you’re the only one who really understands.”

  Luke hugs me, and I let him. “I’m here for you, Lex. I know things have been weird lately, but I’m here for you.”

  I pull back after a few moments and take a drink of my wine. “You want a glass?”

  Luke gets up and goes to the kitchen. He comes back with a beer and the bottle I opened earlier. He refills my almost empty glass. “Want to talk about Julian?”

  “Yes. But do you want listen?”

  He laughs a sarcastic laugh. “Not really, but I will. I miss talking to you, Lex, and if I have to hear about Julian, I’ll try to suck it up.”

  “Good, because I miss talking to you too. I hate that me being with him has caused problems between us, and I’m not really even sure why, but I’m glad you’re willing to listen.”

  Luke sits back down next to me on the couch. “So what’s up? How are things going?”

  “It depends on the day or night really. Things could be really good if I’d let them.”

  “And why don’t you let them?”

  I’m starting to feel a little buzzed after my two and a half glasses of wine, and it’s loosening me up.

  “For all the reasons you can imagine. I don’t know for sure if I can trust him. I’m scared to let him get close to me. I’m worried when he finds out about all the Brady stuff he may feel different about me.”

  Luke is clearly surprised by this. “You haven’t told him about Brady? How have you managed to avoid that topic?”

  I shrug. “I haven’t really managed it at all. I’ve had two nightmares and a panic attack around him. He knows something’s up. He just doesn’t know what.”

  “He doesn’t ask?”

  “Every day. I just keep making excuses and changing the subject.”

  “And he lets you?” Luke looks even more surprised when I admit Julian hasn’t been able to crack my emotional vault code yet.

  “Let me? Luke, you know me. Nobody really lets me do anything. I kind of do what I wa
nt.”

  That makes him chuckle. “True, Lex, but I’ve spent enough time around Julian at work to know that he likes and expects things when he wants them and how he wants them. He isn’t the type of guy who gives passes.”

  It’s my turn to be surprised. Obviously I know they work together, but I guess I didn’t think their paths crossed that much. “Well, he gives me passes all the time. He has been ridiculously patient with me. I’m totally over me, but he keeps hanging in there. I would’ve bailed by now.”

  “I’m happy to hear he’s treating you good, Lex. I’ve been worried about that.”

  “He treats me better than I treat him, Luke.” I haven’t been fair to Julian, and I know it.

  Luke gets up and walks to the kitchen to grab another beer. I guess we’re done talking for now. I pour another glass of wine knowing that I’m going to be paying for it in the morning, and not caring. I’m operating on very little sleep too, but I feel relaxed right now, and I needed the wine.

  Luke stays until about eleven o’clock, and we watch one of the Fast and Furious movies on HBO. When Luke sees I’m falling asleep, he gets up to leave. He bends over to give me a kiss good-bye and whispers in my ear. “You are totally worth waiting for, Lexie. Julian would be a fool to let you go without a fight.” His words are sweet, and I can’t help but feel they’re also very personal.

  I don’t want to sleep on the couch, so I head unsteadily to my room. Wow. I’m buzzed. I had left my phone in there charging and pick it up before I go to sleep. I have a missed call and voicemail from Julian. “Hey, you. It’s nine thirty. I just got home. I’m missing you. Call me.”

  I call him back, and he answers right away. “Hey, baby.”

  “Hey back. How are you?”

  “Lonely … and a little horny. I wish you were here in my bed.”

  I giggle. “My bed is feeling kind of big too.”

  “How was your night, corazón?” I know he wants to know about my session with Ellen, but I’m not interested in talking about that.

  “Mellow. Just hung out here and had a few glasses of wine.” I leave out the part where Luke joined me.

  “Hmm … so you’re buzzed huh? Too bad I’m not there to enjoy that.”

  “You can come over.” I extend the invitation but doubt he’ll come. I’m right.

  “I wish, baby. I have to get up really early tomorrow. Busy day at work, and I want to work out first.”

  “I can help you get a work out tonight so you can sleep in.” I know I’m teasing him, and it’s fun.

  “You are a bad girl, Lexie. That’s not fair. I’m actually more than a little horny, and your teasing isn’t helping.”

  “I’m not teasing, Julian. My offer is legit. But if you insist on staying home, I can offer some other services that may help you with your issues.”

  “Okay, Alexa. I’m in.”

  I don’t miss a beat. “Yes, Julian, you’re in. You’re deep in me, and I feel your hard dick all the way to my core. You feel so good, and I want you to fuck me hard until you come, Julian. Can you do that for me? Can you fuck me all night long?”

  I hear his sharp intake of breath, and I know I’ve shocked him. “Oh my God, Lexie. You’re something else, baby. Yes, I can fuck you all night long, and I’m going to keep my dick inside of you until you can’t take it anymore. I want you screaming my name when you come for me, Lexie.” Wow. What did I just start?

  The conversation that follows is totally X-rated and totally hot, and after about twenty minutes of us telling each other what we want to do to each other along with some self-stimulation, Julian and I have both come. Holy hell. I’ve never done that before, and I’m wondering why. I have no problem talking dirty, but it’s usually in the moment and when I’m actually having sex. This was over the phone and across miles and erotic as hell.

  We’re both quiet for a moment as we catch our breath. Julian speaks first. “You’re amazing, Lexie. That was totally unexpected and totally hot.”

  I laugh. “I guess if the real estate thing doesn’t work out, I can always become a sex line phone operator.”

  Julian laughs back. “Well you’re certainly qualified, but I’d prefer if you don’t talk to any other men that way. Save that all for me, corazón.”

  “Right back at you, Julian.”

  “You’re coming over after work tomorrow, right?”

  “Uh huh. Should I meet you at home or the hotel?”

  “Meet me at home. I’ll be there by seven. Be naked. We’re going to bring that little phone scene to the big screen tomorrow.”

  My body tingles at his words. “Your house, your rules, Julian.”

  That makes him chuckle. “Goodnight, baby. Dream about me.”

  “Goodnight, Julian.”

  I hang up the phone and fall asleep thinking about Julian.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  I wake up in the morning happy but a little hung over. I wish I could call in sick, but I’ve already taken this upcoming weekend off, so I have to go in. I get a cute text from Julian around nine thirty.

  Julian: Workout ok. Yours are better. Can’t wait to see you tonight.

  Alexa: I’ll make sure you get sweaty. Have a great day.

  Around four o’clock, I get a text from Luke that doesn’t make me so happy.

  Luke: Hey hooka. You coming to hotel Saturday for photo shoot?

  Alexa: Huh?

  Luke: Julian’s shoot this weekend?

  Um. I remember Candace mentioning a photo shoot, but why is Luke calling it Julian’s?

  Alexa: Oh yeah. Not sure.

  Luke: Ok. I’m working all day/night. Off Friday. Come see me if you’re here.

  Alexa: Will do.

  I sit there for a few minutes and try to decide if this is a conversation to have over text, over the phone, or in person. I choose text because I can hide how I’m feeling.

  Alexa: Heard you were having a photo shoot this weekend?

  He replies immediately.

  Julian: Yes. I told you about it.

  Alexa: Nope. Wouldn’t forget that.

  Julian: Answer your phone. Calling now.

  He calls right away, and I answer. I guess we will be talking about this. “Hey, baby. I told you we were doing a photo shoot this weekend.”

  So he’s sticking with his story. “Candace said something about an interview and a shoot, but I didn’t get the impression you were involved in the actual shoot. Are you?”

  He hesitates, and I know he knows he needs to come clean. “Yes. I thought I told you. The magazine VIVA South Beach is doing a spread on the hotel, and they want me to be in it. Who reminded you anyway?”

  Okay. Now I’m annoyed. “Luke told me. He didn’t remind me. You know you didn’t tell me, and I’m wondering why. Who’s in the shoot with you, Julian?”

  The words come out bitterly, and I’m disappointed in myself. Here my totally hot boyfriend, who could be a model, is getting the opportunity to showcase his hotel, and all I can think about is who’s going to be modeling with him. I assume it’s Victoria or Elyse.

  “Victoria. But I’m sure Luke already mentioned that part to you.”

  I assumed correctly, and it all becomes clear why he “forgot” to tell me. I’m instantly jealous and insecure. The conversation Luke overheard where Victoria mentioned hooking up with Julian plays back in my head.

  “Don’t make this about Luke. He assumed I knew and just asked if I was going to be there this weekend. He didn’t say a word about what the hell you were doing or whom you were doing it with.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean, Alexa?” He’s pissed. I probably shouldn’t have said that.

  “Why didn’t you tell me about this, Julian? No secrets, remember?”

  He pauses for a second. “Honestly?” It sounds like a challenge.


  “That would be nice.” I challenge back. Not a good idea on my part.

  “Because we’re barely hanging on here, Alexa, and I really didn’t feel like adding anything else to the list of things you’re pissed at me about. This is great for the hotel, and if I thought you wouldn’t freak out and get jealous, I would have told you. I was obviously going to tell you. I just wanted to do it right when it happened. I figured if you were here, it wouldn’t be a big deal.”

  I feel like he just punched me in the gut, and I’m not sure what to process first. He just admitted we were barely hanging on, so at least we agree on that. I’ve been feeling that way all week. We’re also obviously at the point where my freak-outs are impacting his ability to share his life with me. I’m so hurt, and all I want to do is hang up. I try to be a little more mature though. A little.

  “You say you want to know me, Julian, right? Well here’s a little tidbit you should know. I hate walking into situations that are more than likely going to be uncomfortable for me without some fucking warning. I’m surprised you even thought that would be an acceptable plan.”

  “Maybe it wasn’t a good plan, but then again, nothing I’ve done lately has been acceptable, has it, Alexa.” I haven’t heard this tone from Julian before.

  “You know what, Julian? You can turn this around and make it all my fault, but the fact that you didn’t even mention something so important and exciting to me shows you aren’t all that willing to share your life either. If there was nothing for me to freak out about, and for you to hide, you would’ve told me.”

  “That’s almost funny, Alexa. You hide stuff all the time. And I’m not just talking about your past.”

  “What are you talking about, Julian? What am I hiding?”

  His voice comes out in almost a hiss. “How was your night with Luke last night, Alexa? Did you two have a good time getting drunk together? Or was it disappointing? You sounded so turned on when you talked about getting fucked I figure maybe he couldn’t close the deal and left you horny.”

  Holy shit. This is bad. Really, really bad. Julian never talks to me this way. I have no idea what the best way to respond to this is, so I’m quiet for a moment. Julian takes my silence as confirmation he’s right. “Oh. So I’m right, huh. Well at least I got off too.”