The truth is it did feel good to kiss Luke. There’s passion and chemistry and even love between us, and maybe before I had met Julian it would have been enough. It may have even been great. But Julian is able to reach my soul with his touch, and I know in my heart I’ll never feel that way about Luke.
“Luke, I’m with Julian. You know that. You know how I feel about him.”
“Well, let me be honest here. I don’t give a shit about Julian. I love you, Lexie Reed. I’m in love with you, and after that kiss, there’s no doubt in my mind you have feelings for me too.”
“Luke, I do love you. You’re right about that, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think you’re in love with me either.” I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince, him or me. I continue.
“I think you’ve mistaken friendship, loyalty, and yes, attraction for romantic love. I don’t think it’s real, Luke. What you think you feel for me, it’s not real.” I say these things in a last-ditch attempt to save our friendship.
He’s insulted. “Are you seriously going to stand there and tell me how I feel about you? How dare you just blow this off like I’m some guy with a crush on you.” He’s really yelling at me now. “I fucking know you, Lexie. I know you, and I know how I feel about you.” He tries to keep going, but I interrupt him.
“And I really know you too, Luke. You don’t have the market covered on insight into this relationship. I’ve been watching you fuck your way around Florida for years now. I’ve been standing right in front of you the whole time, and now, when I’m finally in a good relationship, you decide to dump this all on me and tell me you’re in love with me. It’s bullshit. You just don’t want me to need another man. It might ruin your hero reputation.” I’m pissed at him that he has made the choice to ruin our friendship, and I lash back.
“Really, Alexa? Have you already forgotten about all the ‘relationships’ I’ve watched you jump in and out of over the years now? Have you already forgotten Brady? I was nothing but supportive of that fucking train wreck of a relationship.”
Okay. Here we go.
“Yeah, and maybe you were so supportive because you introduced me to the conductor of that ‘fucking train wreck.’ Don’t mistake guilt for support, Luke. I did for a while, but I figured out a long time ago that most of what you feel for me is based on guilt. Your need to ‘protect’ me now comes from your guilt over not protecting me then. I’ve told you a million times, none of what went down was your fault.”
“I tell you I’m in love with you, and you tell me I just feel guilty about what Brady did?” I hear a double meaning in that question but decide not to probe further. Luke switches his line of questioning when I fail to respond.
“Do you question Julian’s feelings, Alexa? Because I know he doesn’t really know you well enough to care about you like I do. You guys have been together for like what, five minutes, and if I know anything about you, it’s that you’re not a big sharer when it comes to your past. You still haven’t told him about Brady, have you? Does he know your nightmares are really flashbacks? Does he know you see a shrink every week, and have for a year?” Luke is taking this conversation somewhere it really shouldn’t go, and I need to stop him.
“Now you’re just being ugly, Luke. Does it make you feel better to point out all of my flaws?” I try to hide the hurt in my voice because this person in front of me, this Luke that I don’t even know, seems ready, willing, and able, to exploit my vulnerability.
He answers me with a snide tone. “I have no problem with any of your flaws, Alexa. That’s exactly what I’m trying to make you understand. I love you, flaws and all. Can you say that about Julian? How serious can he be about you when he doesn’t even know you? Your refusal to answer my earlier question was answer enough. You haven’t told him shit.”
Luke’s words are like a dagger through my heart. He’s right. I haven’t told Julian anything substantial about Brady. I’m scared he won’t feel the same way about me if he knows all the ugly stuff from my past. Luke knows that, and he’s using it against me. I understand he’s hurt by my rejection, but the backlash I’m getting is way more severe than I ever could’ve imagined. This man who says he loves me is breaking my heart.
“Julian doesn’t know me like you do, Luke. Not yet. You and I have been best friends for seven years. We have a ton of history together. But we’re getting to know each other, and I’ve been opening up to him. He’s a good guy, Luke, and he does care about me. I’m sorry you can’t see that and be happy for me.”
“I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be supportive of the guy who is with the girl I want. I want to be the one holding you, touching you, and making you happy.” My Luke is back for a second and says those words tenderly. I really don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t let him think there’s any chance of us being together. It’s not fair to him.
“You do make me happy, Luke. You’re a fantastic friend, and I don’t want things to change between us.” My words sound like a plea, and as I’m saying them, I know I’m wasting my breath. Everything has already changed, and I know there will be no going back.
“Well, I guess I had it all wrong, Alexa. I must not really know you at all.” Luke’s tone is ice-cold again. “You really are going to choose someone you just met over me?”
I nod my head slowly in response. I’ve chosen Julian, and I really am growing tired of Luke making me feel bad about it. He has had seven years to tell me how he feels.
Luke continues his tirade. “I’ve done everything for you. I fucking waited all this time for you to be ready. I waited to share my feelings because I wanted to make sure I could be the guy you deserve. I wasn’t that guy in college, and I’ve been working on becoming that guy every day since the first night we hooked up. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’ve been trying to get all my shit straight so we could have a future. What a fucking waste of my time you’ve been.”
I seriously can’t believe he just said the last seven years have been a waste of his time. Our friendship has been so precious to me, and I can’t believe he’s ending it like this. His words are like a slap in the face, and I feel the sting in my heart. The tears I’ve been holding back this whole time start to run down my cheeks. He ignores my hurt and continues his verbal assault.
His next words drip with venom. “Oh stop fucking crying, Alexa. You don’t even really feel bad. Maybe you’re the one who feels guilty. You’ve been stringing me along for years, and now you’re acting like the victim. But hey, you do play that role nicely.”
“Please stop, Luke. You don’t mean any of this. You’re just hurt and drunk.” I’m begging him to stop, and the tears just keep coming harder.
“Oh, I’ve meant everything I’ve said, Alexa. I just poured my heart out to you, and you fucking broke it. If that makes you feel bad, tough shit. You did this. You can own it.”
I’ve heard enough, and I need to get out of here. I stand up and head toward the door. I’m speechless. Luke is using everything he knows about me against me. It’s as if he’s decided that if we can’t love each other, we’ll hate each other instead. And just when I think there’s nothing worse Luke could say to me, he unleashes the worst type of hurt imaginable.
“Before you leave, Alexa, know this. When Julian finds out who you really are deep down and learns about how damaged you really are both emotionally and physically, don’t come running back to me looking for a shoulder to cry on. I won’t be here.”
His emphasis on the word physically stops me cold in my tracks. Oh. My. God. He knows.
I turn and face him and whisper, “You know?” Even after a year, I still can’t say the word out loud. Luke, on the other hand, has no problem with the word.
“What, that Brady raped you?” He shrugs his shoulders. His eyes are hard and dark. “Yes, I know. I’ve always known.” His tone implies we’re talking about something as casual as the weather.
“Brady told me. How else would I know? You sure as shit didn’t tell me anything. You’re supposed to be my best friend, and you didn’t share with me. No, you just let me believe that he was begging for forgiveness for hitting you that night and for cheating on you. He fucking needed your forgiveness, Alexa, and you denied him.” Luke is literally snarling at me, and I swear I’m looking at a stranger. I have no idea who this person in front of me is. “I’ve known the whole time, and I’ve waited for you to tell me. It’s been a whole year, and you still can’t talk about it. You can’t even say the word rape, can you? You’re still all fucked up, Alexa. You’re just the only one who doesn’t see it. But give Julian some time. He’s a smart guy. He’ll get sick of your drama really soon. And you’ll be alone again.”
Luke might as well have just punched me in the stomach. I literally can’t breathe. I don’t even try to hide the hurt in my eyes when I look at him. I want him to see what he just did to me. He can own the fact that he just torpedoed a seven-year relationship and ripped my heart out in the process.
“So you want to bring up Brady, huh? Well, let me finish this conversation the same way I finished my last one with him. I’ll never ever forgive you for this.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
I grab my purse and run out of the house. Thank goodness I left my door unlocked and am able to quickly get inside my car. I’m having a hard time finding my keys in my purse and end up dumping it all over my front seat looking for them. I really shouldn’t be driving. I can hardly see through my tears, but I need to get away from his house even if I just go around the corner. I pull over at a park a few blocks away. I turn the car off, put my head on the steering wheel, and let the sobs I’ve been holding back just consume my body. I’m not sure how long I stay there like that, but it must be for a while because when I finally look up it’s dusk. I glance at the clock on the dashboard. Holy shit. It’s almost seven thirty. I got to Luke’s at around five thirty and was there for about an hour. I’ve been sitting in my car crying for an hour. I find it odd I haven’t heard my phone ring once. A moment of panic races through me as I realize I’ve either left my phone at Luke’s or I’ve had it on silent. I promised everyone I wouldn’t do that anymore. I dig through all the crap I dumped out of my purse, and I’m relieved to see my phone sitting on the seat. I’m scared to look at it, but I enter my security code anyway.
Oh no. Fifteen missed calls and texts. Julian, Marissa, and Shannon have all been trying to get a hold of me for the past two hours. I turn my car on and start heading home. I set the phone to Bluetooth and call Marissa first. Most of the calls were from her.
She answers on the first ring. “Where the hell are you, Lexie? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for over an hour. Luke texted me and said you and him got into a huge fight and that you ran out of his house crying.” She sounds so worried, and I feel even worse, if that’s possible.
“I’m on my way home. I’ll be there in twenty minutes, and I’ll tell you everything. Can you let Shannon know? She called and texted me a few times too.”
“Okay, but are you all right? You sound awful.” The concern is so evident in her voice, and I love her for it.
“No, not really.” I try to cut the phone call short because I need to call Julian. There were several calls and texts from him as well, and I don’t need to read them to know he’s freaking out too. Marissa confirms my suspicions.
“Lex, you really need to call Julian. He called me after he couldn’t get a response from you. He said he texted you a few times and that you and him were supposed to meet up. He’s even been here looking for you. He told me you were planning on seeing Luke today. I tried to get a hold of Luke, and he didn’t answer his phone either. I didn’t know anything until he called.” The words just keep pouring out of Marissa in a rush, and I feel horrible she’s been so worried and has had to deal with Julian too. “I told Julian I had no idea where you were, and he’s freaking out. I tried to reassure him you were fine, but I wasn’t very convincing because after Luke called, I was freaking out too.”
“It’s okay, Mari. Let me go so I can call him. I’ll see you in a few minutes.” Before I get a chance to dial Julian’s number, I see his face pop up on my caller ID. I take a very deep breath and try to steady my voice. I know he’s worried, and I don’t want to make it worse.
“Hey, you.” I say it softly and brace myself for what’s headed my way.
“My God, Lexie. Are you okay? Where the hell are you? Nobody has been able to find you for hours.” He sounds out of breath and panicked.
“I’m fine, Julian, and I’m almost home. I’m so sorry I worried you.” I think my voice sounds steady, but apparently I’m not fooling anyone.
“That’s okay, baby. I’m just glad you’re all right.” He hears me choke back a sob. “Are you okay? You sound like you’re crying.” I honestly didn’t think I had anything left inside of me, but the concern in Julian’s voice unlocks the floodgates again, and I start sobbing so hard I can’t talk. “What the hell is going on, Lexie?” He sounds so worried.
I pull into my driveway and open my mouth to answer him, but before the words come out, I see his car pull up behind mine. I hang up my phone. He must have been out looking for me. I really, really don’t want him to see me like this, but there’s no way out of this mess. I turn the car off, and before I can even unbuckle my seat belt, Julian is opening the door and taking me in his arms. He reaches down and unbuckles my belt for me. As he kneels beside the car, I wrap my arms around him, lay my head on his chest, and continue to sob. After a few minutes, he takes the keys from the ignition and pulls me gently from the car. He shuts and locks the door behind me and leans me up against it. He puts his hand under my chin and forces me to look at him. I can only imagine what I look like. I’ve been crying for over an hour, and I must have makeup running all down my cheeks. Concern and confusion are written all over his face. He looks me up and down as if to see if I’m physically harmed and takes a deep breath when he sees that I’m intact. Well, at least on the outside. Inside, my heart is shattered in a million little pieces. Julian kisses me softly on the lips, takes my hand, and leads me into my house. Marissa is standing by the door, and I know she was watching this all go down. She gives me a huge hug when I walk by her and whispers in my ear, “It’s going to be okay.” I shake my head no because I don’t think it’s going to be okay. I can’t answer her through my sobs.
I tell myself I’m crying because of what happened between Luke and me, but if I’m going to be honest, I need to acknowledge that I’m crying because the fact, the truth, that I was raped by my now dead ex-boyfriend is out in the universe. Someone else knows, and I was just forced to admit it out loud. I’ve told myself for a year if I didn’t tell anyone, then I could pretend it never happened. Luke officially ripped that Band-Aid off tonight, and the wound he revealed is a huge, gaping one. I’m terrified that now that it’s exposed it will never stop bleeding.
Julian picks me up and carries me to my bedroom. He lays me down on the bed and lies behind me. He pulls me close to him and holds me tightly. I can’t stop crying. I’ve talked about Brady and most of the bad stuff with my friends, with Ellen, and with my family. I’ve shed tears too, but I’ve always managed to keep my emotions under relative control and for the most part private. I thought I had done a good job working through all of it. I didn’t realize, until this very moment, that no matter how hurt I thought I was, I had never really felt the pain of the rape and his death. Everyone kept telling me I was strong, and I took comfort in the fact that I kept it all together. The storm surge of feelings racking my body right now proves that I never really dealt with anything at all.
Adding to the horribleness of the situation is that Julian has a front-row seat to my breakdown. I’m horrified, and I want him to leave, but judging by how
tightly he’s holding me, he has no intention of going anywhere. We lie there for quite a while. He doesn’t say anything. He just holds me and strokes my hair. It’s exactly what I need even if I don’t want it. My sobs finally give way to deep breaths, and I’m finally able to talk. “Thank you,” I whisper as I squeeze his hand. I’m nervous to say anything at all because I’m not ready to tell him about what just happened with Luke, never mind what happened with Brady. I think he senses I’m not ready to talk because he just squeezes me back and kisses my head.
We lie like this until I eventually fall asleep. I drift in and out, and each time I wake up, I feel the tears on my cheeks. Julian has stayed and is still holding me. I’m so conflicted. I want him here, but then I don’t. I know there’s no way I’m getting out of talking to him now. This meltdown was a hundred times worse than anything he has seen, and he will not be giving me a pass now. I’m scared of what the morning light will bring.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
I get out of bed at six thirty and try not to wake Julian. My reflection in the bathroom mirror is horrifying. I look like I’ve been crying for weeks, not hours. I splash cold water on my face, brush my teeth, and go to the kitchen. I grab a cucumber out of the refrigerator and cut two big slices. I sit down on the couch, put them over my eyes, and hope it helps. I’m not normally such a vain person, but I look awful. I’m only there for about thirty minutes when Julian comes and finds me. I hear him come in, and I take the cucumbers off my eyes. I try to make a joke. “If I’d known you’d look that bad too, I would have cut you some slices.”
He does look bad. Tired and worn out. I’ve done this to him. He doesn’t think my joke is funny. “Come back to bed, Lexie. I don’t care how you look.”
I follow him back into the bedroom and get into bed. He sits down next to me. “It’s early, and I know we’re both exhausted, but you have to tell me something.”
Stay Page 40