“Yes, Julian. I’ve kissed Luke before. We hooked up when we were in college, seven years ago, but we didn’t sleep together.” I say this in a way I hope will calm Julian down and help him realize he has nothing to be upset about. Although I think he’s overreacting, I do want him to know he’s the only man in my life.
“Really? And why is that? Why didn’t you sleep together, Alexa? From where I stand, it looks like Luke never misses the opportunity to get into a pretty girl’s panties.”
Well obviously I’m the only one who feels the need to play nice here. I’m not happy with where this conversation is headed, and I’m not going to listen to Julian attack Luke.
“That’s ironic, Julian. Because Luke told me the same thing about you the night we met. He actually used those words too. He told me to stay away from you because you only wanted to get into my panties.”
Julian snorts in disgust. “Well, he was right, Alexa. I did want to get in your panties. At least I’m honest about what my intentions were.”
“Were? Or are?”
He ignores my question and asks his again. “Tell me, Alexa, why didn’t you two sleep together? Were you not into one-night stands back then?” The minute Julian says those words, he crosses a line. I can’t hide the hurt or anger I feel.
“Fuck you, Julian,” I hiss at him. “I didn’t sleep with him because he didn’t have a condom the first time we tried. I would have otherwise. And no, just like now, I have no problems with one-night stands. Actually, I’ve always preferred them. With a one-night stand, I can just get off and not have to deal with the bullshit I’ve had to deal with for the last month.”
I’m really not the type of girl who has one-night stands, but I’m so hurt I want to say anything I can to either piss Julian off or hurt him back. By the look on his face, I’m doing a pretty good job. He looks positively livid. “You know what, Alexa, you can keep deflecting my original question by trying to piss me off, but you still haven’t really answered it.”
“Yes I did! Are you having a hard time following me? I just told you I didn’t have a condom.”
I’m not sure why, but Julian changes directions, and his tone softens just a little. Maybe he knows he’s pushing this too far.
“Is he my competition, Alexa? Is Luke the reason why you have such a hard time letting me get close to you?” Julian’s tone has totally changed, and the way he asks me this question suggests this is something he’s reluctant to ask. I take a deep breath.
“No, Julian, Luke isn’t your competition. I know you’re having a hard time believing that for some reason, but it’s not like that between us. We don’t feel that way about each other.”
Julian walks slowly to my bed, sits down, and puts his head in his hands. He sits silently like that for a few minutes. I walk over to the bed and sit down beside him. This day has been awful, and this situation is reminiscent of that last night with Brady. I feel myself starting to get emotional, and I fight it. I’ve already cried a bucket of tears today, and I don’t want to break down in front of Julian. Julian finally picks his head up and looks at me. His eyes, which were just so full of anger, are now soft and sad. I can’t meet his gaze and look back down at my hands.
“Do you really not see it?” His tone is no longer confrontational.
“Yes, Julian. I can see why it looks like we have feelings for each other. We’re very close, but it’s like a brother-sister thing.”
I hear myself saying these words, and for the first time ever they don’t sound believable, even to me. A small flicker of acknowledgement floats through my mind, but I’m not quite ready to go there. Julian shakes his head slowly and reaches up and puts his hand gently on my face. He turns my head so I’m looking directly at him. It’s the first time he’s touched me tonight, and even though we’re not in a good place at the moment, my body responds like it always does. My heart starts to beat rapidly, and I feel butterflies in my stomach. I wonder briefly if it will always feel this way when Julian touches me. That thought is followed up by the thought this may be the last time he touches me if we don’t get this all cleared up.
“Luke loves you, Alexa, and not in a brotherly or just-friends kind of way. You have to know that in your heart.” Julian’s voice is calm and matter of fact, as if he knows this information and isn’t just speculating. He won’t let me look away.
“I know what a man in love looks like, Alexa. I know that I’m right. And so do you, even if you can’t or don’t want to admit it to me. Please at least admit it to yourself.”
Right now, at this moment, I’m unable to keep defending Luke’s and my “friendship.” It’s as if some dam has suddenly broke in my mind, and every questionable interaction between Luke and me is presenting itself to me as something different than I thought it was an hour ago. Holy hell. Have I really been this blind? Why now? Why did Julian have to make me see this?
I mouth the word “no” and shake my head.
“Yes, baby.” Julian continues to look at me with tenderness in his eyes. It’s breaking my heart, and I realize I’m so wrapped up in the idea of Luke actually being in love with me that I haven’t even thought about whether or not Julian thinks I feel the same way toward Luke.
“Julian, I don’t feel that way about him. No matter how he feels. I don’t feel that way about him.” I hear myself saying these words, and I know in my heart they’re true. Whether or not I’m willing to say the words to Julian, he’s the man I’m falling in love with.
“Please tell me you believe me,” I plead.
Julian gently traces my lips with his fingers. “I want to, Lexie. God I want to.”
I see so much vulnerability in his eyes, and it melts my heart. This man wants me to be his, only his. I am, and even if I can’t say it to him, I need to show him how much he means to me. I lean over and gently place my lips on his and give him a soft, tender kiss. He responds as if I’ve just ignited a fuse of desire in him. He grabs my head from behind, pulls me closer, and deepens the kiss. It feels like he’s drowning and needs my breath to survive. He has kissed me passionately before, but it’s never felt as if he had to, as if he wouldn’t survive without his lips on mine, his tongue in mouth. My whole body is completely stimulated, and I feel his need to my core. His tongue is rough and possessive, and as he licks and sucks and bites gently at my mouth, I start to melt into him. I’m so entranced by what his mouth is doing to mine I hardly realize he has scooted me up toward the head of my bed. While still kissing me, Julian pulls my shorts and panties down in one quick motion and tosses them on the floor next to my bed. He breaks our connection for a moment while he stands up and takes his pants off. He’s rock hard, and as he crawls back onto the bed, I feel the heat of his erection on my leg. Julian always makes sure I’m wet and ready to take him all in comfortably before he enters me. He also usually makes sure I orgasm first as well, either with the help of his fingers or his magical tongue. But tonight he has no patience, and I see that the considerate lover I’m used to has been replaced by a man who is beyond his threshold of control. Julian spreads my legs with one hand and guides himself into me with the other. I gasp as he plunges deep into me with one thrust. In the back of my mind, it registers he isn’t wearing a condom, and irresponsible as it is, I don’t care and don’t stop him. He needs this, and I need this. I want to be as close to this man as I possibly can be. I want him to touch every part of my soul, and with each thrust, I feel him staking his claim on me.
I look up at him and am surprised to find his eyes are closed. He usually makes love to me with his eyes open. I love that he does that because I feel like it deepens our connection. Right now though, he seems to be lost in his own world as he plunges his hard shaft into me in a punishing rhythm. He’s trying to tell me something with his body. I wrap my legs around his waist, grab his ass with both of my hands, and try to take him as deep as I can. My sex opens up wider, and he growls as he press
es even further.
Julian’s breath is labored, and he’s panting hard. He opens his eyes and finally looks at me. “Eres mia, Lexie? Tell me you’re mine, only mine.” Julian asks me this in a pleading tone. He keeps thrusting into me as he waits for my response.
I lock my eyes on him and try to send everything I’m feeling in my heart through my stare.
“Yes, Julian. I. Am. Yours. Only yours.” I want to tell him I love him, but I just can’t.
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I feel Julian start pumping himself into me. He says my name repeatedly as his orgasm overtakes him. I feel him start to tremble as feelings of ecstasy rack his body. He’s coming apart in front of me, and I feel my heart swell with love as I watch and feel this man literally pour himself into me. He doesn’t stop or slow down until he has given me every last drop of him. Julian lowers himself onto me as the last embers of his orgasm fade away. He’s heavy, but I love the feel of his sweat-covered body pressing against every inch of mine. After a few minutes, he rolls off of me. He pulls me into a sitting position and quickly takes my shirt and bra off. He removes his own, leaving us both naked. He lies back down on his side and pulls me to him so we’re spooning. He wraps his arm tightly around me and holds me close. I feel his heart beating rapidly against my back. I thread my fingers through his and clasp his hand tight. We don’t speak, and I’m okay with that. I think we probably have done enough talking for one night. Julian’s breathing starts to slow down, and I think he may be falling asleep. This has been an exhausting day for me and an exhausting night for both of us. I’m ready to leave it behind, and I’m glad to be in Julian’s arms. Things definitely were headed in a different direction just a few hours ago. I take a deep breath in and slowly exhale, pushing all the tension I’ve been feeling out of my body. His presence is soothing. I find myself wondering if I should have just let Julian be there for me today. If I would’ve told him about Brady, I know he would have been. I know he would understand why I’ve been acting so crazy. He’d understand about Luke too. I know I’m going to have to tell him soon.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” Julian isn’t asleep.
“So am I, Julian.” I squeeze his hand tighter.
“I didn’t mean the one-night stand comment.”
“I know.” And I do know.
“And I’m sorry I didn’t take care of you tonight. You should always come first. I just couldn’t stop myself. I needed to be inside of you right then. And I’m sorry about not using a condom. I just wanted to feel all of you.” Julian sounds like a little boy who has gotten in trouble for acting mischievous.
“Please stop apologizing, Julian. This is my fault.”
“No, Lexie. This is our fault. We’ll figure it out. We have to.”
I roll over and face him. I kiss him softly. “Tell me you know you’re the only man in my life, Julian. We need to deal with all of the other stuff that happened this weekend too, but we have to start there. You need to believe that.”
Julian squeezes my hand and says he needs to tell me a few things about Luke. I’m hesitant and tell him so, but he thinks it will explain a lot of things, so I let him. I spend the next hour listening, in shock, to Julian telling me in detail how, for the past month, Luke has done everything he possibly could to make Julian believe I was seeing him as well and that we were way more than friends. Apparently, Luke has been telling people at the hotel we’ve been together for years but that we have an open relationship. Julian explains how Luke made sure he knew he was with me that other night, and tonight as well. Luke knows they all talk, and he started texting other staff members, knowing it would get back to Julian. It’s so hard to believe, but I see Julian is telling me the truth.
“Why didn’t you tell me this was going on, Julian?” I know the answer, but I ask anyway.
“I tried. Several times. You didn’t want to hear it.”
That’s true. He did try to tell me. “It’s so hard to believe he’d do that, but I know you wouldn’t lie to me about this. I don’t understand. None of what he said is true, Julian. I’ve been completely honest with you about our relationship. I swear.”
“He’s in love with you, Lexie. It’s simple. People do crazy things when they’re in love.”
We lie there for a while in each other’s arms, privately processing the events of the night. My head is about to explode. I’m having such a hard time taking it all in. This is Luke we’re talking about. How could he do this to me? As I drift off to sleep, the reality that all of this present drama in my life has pushed the past back into the shadows isn’t lost on me. It’s ironic really. I started this day burdened with memories of the past, and I’m going to sleep worried about what the future holds.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
I’m off on Monday, but Julian has to go in. He wants me to hang out at the hotel so we can see each other, but I pass. I tell him I plan on talking to Luke today, and he tries to talk me out of it. I finally convince him I have to, and he makes me promise to call him afterward. We also make plans to spend the evening together. I’m hopeful we have turned a corner and can really move forward now.
All I can think about is Luke, and maybe that’s a good thing. Brady is a distant second right now. Oddly, I can’t get ahold of him all day. I text and call him and start to think he’s avoiding me. Around five o’clock, I decide to just go to his house. I’m not sure if he’s working or not, and I need to do this today. He answers the door with a beer in his hand, and it’s obvious it’s not his first. He doesn’t seem surprised to see me and lets me in. I walk in and ask why he has been ignoring my calls and texts.
“Because I don’t want to deal with your shitty life today, Alexa. It just causes me grief.”
Wow. So that’s how this is going to go down. I get right to the point. “So when did you decide to try and start ruining my shitty life, Luke?” I know I sound dramatic, but I’m so hurt by what Julian told me last night. I don’t share details though. I wait to see how this plays out. I want him to admit what he’s been doing.
“I’m ruining your life? That’s rich. This guy is totally going to break your heart, and you have your head so far in the clouds you can’t even see it. You aren’t living in a fairytale where this is going to have a happy ending, Lex. Not with this guy.” Luke responds me to very defensively, and I’m not surprised with his take on the situation. He has been trying to keep me away from Julian since day one.
“Well right now, you’re the one who’s breaking my heart, Luke. You. I’ve never seen you act like this before. I don’t even know who you are lately.”
“I’m me, Lexie. I’m the same guy who has been taking care of you and protecting you from getting hurt. I’m the same guy who comforted you last night when Julian was too busy for you. As a matter of fact, it feels like that’s all I’ve been doing for the last fucking year.”
“Well I didn’t realize it was so much of a fucking chore for you to be my friend, Luke. You deserve a medal for taking care of the broken girl. Feel free to take off the knight in shining armor costume now, because I. Am. Fine!”
“My God, Lexie. You don’t get it, do you?”
“I guess not, Luke. Why don’t you explain it to me, seeing as you think you have all the answers?”
We’re talking in circles and alternating between being calm and being on the offensive. It’s a strange little dance we’re doing, and because this is totally new territory, neither of us is on solid footing.
“It tore me up to watch what you went through with Brady and after Brady. It seriously broke my heart.” I hear the anguish in Luke’s voice when he brings up Brady. It’s such a painful topic for both of us.
“I know, Luke. I understand it was really hard for you too, and you’ve been such a great friend to me. But Julian isn’t Brady, and you can’t keep trying to sabotage my relationship with him. I’m happy, and you’re trying to ruin it.”
/> He shakes his head. “Do you really not know why I’m acting like this? Why I’m having such a hard time seeing you with him?”
I do know, and I can’t believe this is finally about to come out into the open after all these years. I really don’t want to hear it because I know in my heart there will be no going back from here and that the friendship we’ve shared for the last seven years is about to be irrevocably changed. But I know this has to happen now because if things keep going the way they have been lately, I’ll end up hating Luke, and I would do anything to prevent that from happening.
Before I can answer his question, Luke continues. “He’s not the one for you, Lex.”
“Why, Luke? Why isn’t Julian the one for me?” I know the answer, but I ask anyway.
“Because I’m the one for you. Me. I’m the one you’re supposed to end up with. I’m your happily ever after.” There’s so much conviction in his voice that I’m 100 percent sure Luke believes everything he’s saying to me.
Before I can even get a word out, Luke walks over to me, pulls me tightly into his arms, and kisses me with the stored-up passion of seven years. The familiarity I feel with Luke works against me, and I find myself wrapping my arms around his waist and falling into his kiss. His tongue is soft and gentle, and I really can feel the love he has for me coming through. I feel completely conflicted, and for a moment my body operates without my mind or heart’s permission. I know I need to stop. I need to stop doing this because I know deep in my heart I’ve found my soul mate in Julian and that if I continue kissing Luke like this, all I’m going to accomplish is to hurt both of them. I push him away and take two steps back.
“Stop, Luke. This is wrong.” I shake my head and put my hands up as he steps back toward me. He looks surprised but stops.
“Wrong, Lexie? Did that feel wrong to you? Because nothing in my life has felt as right as kissing you does. The first time it was right, and it was right now too. You know it. You felt it. Don’t you dare deny it!”
Stay Page 39