Stay

by Wynne, Hilary

  I know better than to argue. “Okay.”

  “Did Luke hurt you last night, Lexie? Because it took everything I had to not go find him and kick his ass.” I see in his eyes he’s serious.

  I put my hand on his arm. “Not how you might be thinking, Julian. I confronted him, and we got in a huge, ugly fight. You were right. He was trying to break us up. He admitted he has feelings for me and wants me for himself. We won’t be friends anymore, and it hurts.”

  I make the story a little easier to swallow, but I don’t lie about any of it. Julian isn’t really buying it yet though. “Are you sure that’s all that happened?”

  “I really don’t want to go into specifics, Julian, but yes, that’s what happened.”

  Julian crawls back in bed and pulls me close. “I’m sorry, Lexie. I know how bad losing someone close to you hurts.” I assume he’s referring to his sister, and I don’t ask for details. I’m not able to have that discussion this morning. I just squeeze his hand.

  I look at the clock and groan. I have to work today. I was off all weekend, and I took a day off last week. I’m about to get a promotion, and I need to show I’m taking it seriously. I wiggle out of Julian’s arms and sit up. He reaches for me to pull me back down, and I dodge him.

  “I have to work, and I need to take a shower.” I need a break too. I need to be alone. I want to cry in the shower, but I don’t want Julian to see any more of my tears. He won’t believe this is all about Luke if I don’t pull it together.

  Julian is up and dressed when I get out of the shower. “I can be here by seven tonight. I’ll pick up dinner.” Ugh. I don’t want him to come back. I need some space. But I can’t say the words, so I lie.

  “That’s sweet, Julian. Thanks.” He kisses me and gives me a big hug. I can tell he wants to talk, but I think he knows it won’t go the way he wants. I walk him to the door and tell him I’ll see him later. I plan to get out of it somehow.

  The minute he leaves, the tears start to fall again. I have no idea how I’m going to make it through this day. Marissa hears Julian leave and comes to check on me. She finds me lying on my bed crying.

  “I’d ask if you’re okay, but you clearly aren’t. Can I do or say anything to help?”

  I shake my head.

  “What happened, Lex?”

  Marissa is my best friend in the whole world, and I should tell her about the rape. But I worry she’ll react like Luke did and be upset that I waited a year to tell her. I know she’ll be really hurt, so I don’t say anything. I tell her everything else though. Everything that Julian told me and everything that Luke confirmed. She listens, and when I’m finished, she hugs me and promises things will be okay. If she knew the whole story, she might not be feeling so positive.

  I go to work looking like hell and try to hide behind makeup. Lauren and Ramon are not fooled. I tell them I don’t want to talk about it, and I figure they think I got in a fight with Julian. I let them. Julian texts me about ten times today. He keeps checking on me, and each time his concern has the opposite effect. I really just want him to back off. I’m overwhelmed and raw, and if I didn’t think he would come to my work looking for me, I’d turn my phone off. Both Marissa and Shannon keep texting me too. I appreciate the concern, but as the hours pass and the tears start to dry up, I feel myself sliding back behind my wall. I don’t want to talk to anyone.

  I get home at six thirty and wait for Julian. He said he was going to be here by seven. I get a text from him a little after seven.

  Julian: Can’t leave yet. Need to take care of something. Be there by 9:30.

  Alexa: You don’t have to come. I’m tired anyway.

  Julian: I’ll be there by 9:30.

  I tried. At least I have a few hours alone. I go for a run and try to clear my head. It doesn’t work this time either. I shower when I get back, eat a baked potato, and pour myself a glass of wine. Marissa comes home and joins me. I’m on my third glass when Julian shows up at ten o’clock. Marissa gets up to let him in, and when I see his face, I instinctively know the thing he had to take care of was Luke. Marissa sees his face and leaves the room. Great. Not this again. I get up, take my glass with me, and walk into my room. He follows and shuts the door behind him. I sit on my bed.

  “Tell me about Brady, Alexa.”

  I was right; he did talk to Luke. I wonder what the fuck Luke said. “Why, Julian? You obviously spoke to Luke tonight. I’m sure he told you about Brady.”

  “Not exactly. I confronted him about what happened yesterday, and all he kept telling me was to ask you about Brady. Who’s Brady?”

  “An old boyfriend. I’ve mentioned him.” I’m trying to ascertain what Julian already knows.

  “Why would Luke want me to ask you about him? Have you been seeing him, Alexa?” Oh wow. Luke set me up. He’s trying to force me to tell Julian. What a bastard.

  “No, I haven’t seen Brady.” My stomach turns as the words come out. This is perverse.

  “This is bullshit, and I don’t appreciate being made to look like a fool. Tell me about Brady, Alexa.” His voice is raised, and I can see he’s finally over it. Over me, over this. Well so am I. I see my opportunity, and I take it.

  “You want to know about Brady, Julian? Fine. But don’t blame me when you don’t like what you hear. And I assure you that you won’t.” Julian is challenging me with his eyes. He wants this. He has been waiting for this. He nods.

  “Brady loved me. He loved me and treated me great for about six months. He said all the right things, just like you, and put me first. He always called. He always made sure I was a priority, and we were inseparable.” I take a deep breath and gauge Julian’s reaction so far. He’s calm and waiting for the rest. I’m not calm. My pulse is racing a mile a minute.

  “Then he changed. He decided drugs were more important than me, than anything. He stopped putting me first, and I got all caught up in it. Our relationship became the poster child for dysfunction, and I stayed. I stayed when I should have run as far away as possible. I turned myself inside out to try and make it work.” I stop, hoping it’s enough. It’s not.

  “Keep going, Lexie. What happened?”

  “I’m telling you what happened. Do you need to hear the details of how we fought and broke up and made up with amazing sex? Do you want to know how much I was partying? How much I drank? You must love to hear that. I know how you feel about drinking.” I’m trying everything I can to make him mad so he just leaves.

  He’s steely eyed and tense. “What happened, Lexie?”

  I hate Julian’s tone, and I hate that he won’t leave this alone. I’m angry at him for making me do this. I’m devastated that Luke would do this to me. I’m angry, and I’m scared, and it’s very apparent in the way the words come out.

  “You just can’t let this go, can you? Well I hope you get what you need by hearing that Brady loved me. He loved me, and then he cheated on me. He even got another girl pregnant. And when I found out and tried to end it, he hit me. And then he begged me to stay. And I fucking did.”

  I look up and see that Julian’s expression has softened. I’ve finally given him enough, and I can stop right here. I could pull this off. But something inside of me can’t stop. My body is trying to expel the poison I’ve been holding on to for so long. It needs to get out. I also feel the horrible need to make Julian feel as bad as I do right now. I want him to share this pain. It’s so fucked up. He gets up and walks toward me and starts to say something. I put my hand up to stop him. My words are harsh, and my voice is eerily calm. I’m starting to feel like it isn’t even me talking and that this happened to someone else.

  “Was that enough for you, Julian? Did you hear enough to make you feel like you know what the fuck is wrong with me? Is there enough stuff here for you fix? Because there’s more.” It’s all pouring out, and I’m powerless to stop it now. “After he hit me, and I stayed,
he raped me. But you know that, right, Julian? You guessed that already. You just needed me to admit it, right? You thought it would be good for me to talk about it, right?”

  The look on Julian’s face tells me he didn’t have all of these pieces put together. He looks shocked and once again starts to speak. I cut him off.

  “Let me finish, Julian, because this horror story just keeps getting better. You said no secrets, so I need to tell you everything, right?” My voice is cold and dripping with sarcasm. I know he doesn’t deserve any of this, but I can’t stop.

  “He felt bad, Julian. In case you’re wondering. He felt so bad that he begged me to forgive him. He called me nonstop for two weeks trying to apologize. I had to hide out from him. I had to go totally dark to avoid him. But he wouldn’t stop, so I finally agreed to see him. I went to his house to talk to him, and guess what happened?” I look at Julian and give him the opportunity to speak. His voice is calm despite the fact he looks like he could kill someone.

  “Did he hurt you again, Alexa?”

  The voice that comes out of me this time is devoid of any emotion.

  “Yes, Julian, he hurt me again. He swallowed a bunch of pills, drank a fifth of whiskey, and died. And I found him, Julian. I found him with a note next to his body that said forgive me. That’s it. Forgive me. But I can’t forgive him, Julian, because he’s dead.”

  There. I did it. I’ve finally said it all out loud. Not to my family, or friends, or my therapist. I’ve said it all aloud to the one person who I’m not certain will be able to handle it. How fucked up is that? I never planned to tell anyone about the rape, so I never considered how I would feel afterward. I was shattered when Luke confronted me with it, but that might have been more because I was shocked that he knew and never said anything and because we were dealing with all kinds of other issues. Right now I feel nothing. I’m not freaking out and losing it. I’m not even crying.

  I’m so busy thinking about how I’m feeling right now that I almost forget I’ve just dumped all of this on Julian. I look up and meet his stare. He has tears in his eyes and is gripping the chair so tightly his knuckles are white. If my goal was to share my pain with him, I’d say I was 100 percent successful. He gets up a third time and comes to me. I don’t stop him this time. He wraps his arms around me and holds me so tightly that I can hardly breathe. I’ve loved being in his arms since the minute I met him. I’ve craved his touch and needed to have him close. Right now I feel nothing—not lust, not love, not anger or pain. I just feel empty. I’m numb.

  “My God, Lexie. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that happened to you, baby. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

  These are the right words for him to say to me. He’s trying to comfort me. But all I hear in his voice is pity, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I never wanted him or anyone else to feel bad for me. My bad judgment put me in this situation, and nobody is ever going to be able to convince me I’m not partly responsible for Brady dying. It’s almost a full year later, and I still don’t believe I deserve to feel okay about any of this. Luke’s words about me denying Brady my forgiveness are ringing in my ears. I did deny him that, and he died.

  Julian is rubbing my back and whispering soothing words in my ear. He’s doing everything right, yet it feels so wrong. It’s all wrong. I don’t feel like the new Lexie anymore. That girl has been hanging on by her fingertips for weeks now, and she can’t do it anymore. She is gone again, and the Lexie who doesn’t want to feel anything is back.

  “Tell me what you need from me, Lexie. I’ll do anything for you. Anything. Just tell me how I can help you.” I see a tear run down his cheek, and I still feel nothing.

  I wiggle out of his arms and stand up. “Anything, Julian? Do you really mean that?”

  “Yes, Lexie. Of course I mean it.”

  “Do you promise you’ll do whatever I need you to do?”

  I see a hint of skepticism cross his face, but he still promises. “I promise, Lexie. What is it, baby? What do you need from me?”

  I walk toward the door and open it. “I need you to leave. I want you to leave and never contact me again.”

  Chapter Forty

  I look at Julian as I’m saying the words. I look right in his eyes so he knows I’m serious. He needs to know I’m not testing him or playing a game. I want him to leave. I need him to leave. The numbness that took root in my heart is slowly spreading throughout my body like venom, destroying every pure, warm, loving feeling I had. I can hardly breathe.

  He doesn’t move at all, and it looks like he’s having a hard time breathing as well. I see the disbelief, sadness, and compassion he’s feeling shining through his wet eyes. I’m not surprised by his reaction to what I’ve just shared with him. Since day one, Julian has been very sensitive to my feelings, and I do know he cares about me. I am, however, surprised by my reaction to what just happened. I truly am numb.

  “Julian, please. You have to leave.” My voice comes out cold and flat.

  He still doesn’t move. He looks like he’s in shock. It’s probably only been a few minutes, but it might as well be forever. The longer he sits there, the more chance there is we’ll keep talking about this. I figure he knows this, and that’s why he’s not moving. I’ve threatened to end things between us before, and he stayed. I need to convince him this is different. Everything is totally different now.

  He finally speaks, and when he does, his voice is shaky. I’ve never heard him like this. “I’m not leaving, Alexa. I can’t. I don’t believe you really want me to.”

  Apparently, I haven’t been very convincing, so I say it more firmly. “I’m serious, Julian. You promised, and it’s what I want.”

  “Let’s talk about this, Lexie. C’mon. You can’t tell me all that and expect me to just walk away. Please, let’s talk about this.”

  “There’s nothing else to say, Julian. You know everything now, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I want you to leave, and I need you to respect that. If you ever cared about me, you will do as I ask. Just leave.” The last few words come out in a whisper. My body is feeling the effects of this now. I’m shaking and starting to panic.

  “If I ever cared about you? Seriously, Lexie. How can you even say that to me? I care about you now, so much. That’s why I’m staying.”

  I close the door because I hear Marissa coming out of her room, and I don’t want her to know what’s going on. Julian obviously has no intention of leaving any time soon. I feel a panic attack coming on, so I just slide down the door and sit on the floor. I put my head between my legs and try to calm my breathing. I hear the bed frame creak and know Julian is coming toward me. I put my hand up to tell him to stop. He sits down on the floor next to me but doesn’t touch me. We silently sit there for at least ten minutes, and the only sounds in the room are those of us breathing. As soon as I feel more in control, I turn my head and rest it on my knees. I look at Julian and ask quietly, “Why won’t you go, Julian? You’re making me beg you. Why are you staying?”

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

  “Mírame, Lexie.” I open my eyes and do as he asks. “You don’t know why I’m staying, baby?”

  I just shrug my shoulders.

  “I’m staying because I wish someone would have stayed for me. I wish someone would have fought for me when I was spiraling out of control. I was left on my own and stayed that way until you fell into my life. You need someone to hold on to, and it can be me, Lexie. It should be me.”

  I hear the words, and I truly can’t understand why he wants to deal with any of this. We have only been together for a short time, and I’ve been a mess for most of it. I’m giving him such an easy out, and I don’t understand why he won’t take it. “Why, Julian, why should it be you? Why do you even want it to be you?”

  He makes sure I’m looking at him before he responds. When he does, I see the sincerity in his eyes. �
��Because I love you, Lexie. I’m in love with you, and I have been since the first night we were together. You know that. I know you do. You haven’t believed it’s real. But it is, Lexie. It’s so fucking real. None of what you told me changes that. That stuff makes me love you more. You’re so strong, baby. You amaze me.”

  Julian’s voice is soothing, and it helps me absorb a little of what he’s saying. He’s telling me he loves me. That he’s in love with me. This incredible, beautiful, patient, loving man is sitting on the floor of my room and telling me that despite everything I just told him, he wants me.

  The problem with all of this is that I don’t believe he can actually feel this way because he doesn’t really know me. I’m a lie.

  “You don’t even know me, Julian. This relationship isn’t real because the Alexa you think you’re in love with isn’t real. I’ve been lying to myself and everyone else for so long that I’m not even sure what’s true anymore.” I sit up and lean against my bed. I’m physically creating more space between Julian and me in my attempt to push him away.

  “Lexie, I do know you. You’ve tried really hard not to let me in, but it hasn’t worked. I understand now, baby, and I wish you would’ve told me all of this so I could’ve supported you. I feel like there are so many things I could’ve done differently. I came on so strong. I’m sorry for that, or if I pushed you too hard.”

  As Julian recounts all the things he thinks he has done wrong, something inside of me softens a tiny bit. I still want him to go, but I want him to leave knowing this isn’t his fault. I owe him that.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, Julian. You need to know that. You’re a great man, and I was a willing participant in everything that happened between us. I’m just sorry I let it get as far as it has.”

  Julian’s expression darkens. I guess he thought I was going to change my mind about breaking up with him. He processes my words and understands my intentions haven’t changed at all.

  His voice is laced with desperation and fear. “Far? We were going for epic, Lexie. Remember? This isn’t over. I understand you may need some time to process all of this. I get that telling me was a big deal. I’m sure when you first shared this with your friends and family, it was hard to feel comfortable around them. But nothing has to change between us. It will only get better without all of this between us.” He reaches over to take my hand, but I pull away. I can’t let him touch me. I’m not sure what will happen if he does.