by Roman, Mark
“I am the Chosen One,” yelled Jeremy.
“Quiet!”
“I will do what is Wrong in order to do what is Right!” yelled Jeremy, even louder.
“Please.”
And then, uncharacteristically, Jeremy fell silent. He made no response at all. Even Randolph turned to look at him, surprised that Jeremy had for once listened.
But Jeremy’s sudden quietude had nothing to do with him listening. He didn’t take orders from others. He was no Dog; he was the Chosen One. In fact, he had been meaning to point this very fact out and had opened his mouth to do so. But, to his astonishment, no sounds had come out. No words, no utterances, nothing whatsoever. For, at that very moment Jeremy had, inconveniently and, tragically for him, completely lost his voice.
He looked about him in horror, open-mouthed, and tried again to speak. But still nothing came out. It seemed that all that shouting and yelling, particularly at The Dogs, had finally taken its toll. Jeremy was suddenly mute. At this crucial turning point in Mamm history, the Chosen One was unable to utter a sound.
*
Time was now most definitely running out. Right in the heart of the forward engine room, the neutrino bomb, with its casing still glowing red-hot, continued intermittently firing its laser-rifle at any moving object within range. The decimated insect and rodent populations of the forward engine room, and its incinerated cleaner droid, had not been the only casualties. BUF’s magnetic tape spools – a throwback to a bygone era of computers – had also been irreparably destroyed.
The bomb’s penultimate timing device was now in operation. This meant that there was just over a minute to go. In a minute a small hammer would fall. The fall of the hammer would cause a match to scrape past a piece of sandpaper and ignite. The match would then come to rest in its precision-engineered holder where its flame would light the fuse, the fifteen-second fuse. The fuse that constituted the very last of the bomb’s sophisticated timing mechanisms, the fuse that would detonate the bomb.
Once that fuse was lit, there would only be fifteen seconds to prevent the total destruction of the entire Pseudogravitic Continuum and all life within it.
*
With growing anxiety and desperation, BUF scanned the memory file he had located. It was headed ‘Sabotage’ and its index list contained the entry ‘Neutrino bombs... Code 859’. Why hadn’t he thought to look under ‘Sabotage’ before?
In trepidation he requested code 859. Something told him he didn’t have long to go; some silicon-based sixth sense warned him that time was most definitely running out. A video screen flickered and then settled to show the list of contents for entry 859. BUF hurriedly scanned the list until he found what he wanted. ‘Standard procedure for dealing with neutrino bombs... Code 18’.
“This is it,” he thought with joy as he requested code 18. He waited. The network seemed interminably slow. He wondered what was taking so long.
Then he had it. The screen flickered and settled. BUF read what it said. ‘Standard procedure for dealing with neutrino bombs’. Underneath, it said, ‘There is no standard procedure for dealing with neutrino bombs’. And, underneath this, it said, ‘Use initiative.’
BUF almost screamed. No standard procedure! How could there not be a standard procedure? “What am I to do?” he asked himself in panic. BUF was the sort of computer that never dared stray from standard procedure – largely because he lacked initiative. Indeed, he didn’t even know the meaning of the word.
“Use initiative,” he read again, wondering what it meant. But desperate situations required desperate measures. Surely it was worth a try. So, he commenced another scan of the ship’s memory banks, this time looking for the meaning of the word ‘initiative’.
It took an even longer time to find as the seconds ticked away. But finally the definition he was after flickered onto the screen in front of him.
BUF read it and re-read it several times before he fully understood what initiative meant. It was only then that he realized he didn’t have any.
*
anaX approached the door of the forward engine room with some trepidation. She knew all about the neutrino bomb’s highly subtle anti-tampering devices, and the one that worried her most was the bomb’s laser-rifle with its reputation for shooting first and asking questions later. Would the bomb recognize her, or would it shoot on sight?
She stopped outside the door, her heart thumping, and planned how to get into the room. She couldn’t just open the door and brazenly walk in. Any movement of the door would trigger the laser-rifle; she’d be dead before she had a chance to show her face.
A plan formed in her mind. With shaky fingers she removed the belt from around her waist and carefully hooked the buckle onto the door handle. Then, standing well to the side, she gave the belt a quick tug downwards to turn the handle. The movement of the corresponding handle on the other side of the door did not escape the neutrino bomb’s notice. There was a flash of light and the door handles on both sides of the door glowed red-hot for a few seconds.
anaX wiped the sweat from her brow and lowered herself to the floor. She positioned herself so she would be able to kick the door open with one foot while remaining out of sight of the bomb’s scanners.
She took a deep breath and then gave a powerful kick, flinging the door open and at the same time cowering up against the wall.
The corridor burst ablaze with brilliant light as the laser-rifle discharged megawatt after megawatt of energy into the opening door causing it to burst into flames. Even when the door had stopped swinging open the laser-rifle continued firing – now targeting the flickering flames.
An instant later, the emergency water sprinklers in the forward engine room sprang into action and, shortly afterwards, were blasted out of action by the laser-rifle.
anaX remained huddled on the floor in the corridor, with her head in her hands. It took several long, drawn-out seconds before the specially treated flame-resistant door stopped burning. The laser-rifle continued to sporadically fire at the wisps of smoke still rising from it, but finally it, too, ceased.
All became silent apart from the faint ticking of the neutrino bomb’s penultimate timer as it counted down its final minute.
anaX took her hands from her head and looked up. The door was wide open. Now was the most dangerous part. She had to peer round the doorframe and show her face and hope that the bomb recognized her. What expression had she had when the bomb had taken her picture? Had any of her make-up faded? Was her hair out of place? And were her fear-lines making her look much different?
She swallowed hard. It was now or never. She summoned her courage and, with her heart pounding faster than ever, took a deep breath. She forced a smile onto her face and poked her head round the doorframe.
“Hello,” she called to the bomb. “Don’t shoot, it’s only me. Remember me? I planted you. Please don’t shoot.”
The laser-rifle fired... but only to annihilate a recently orphaned earwig scuttling across the engine room floor. anaX closed her eyes and sighed with relief.
Breathing slowly and deeply, she edged her way into the room, approaching the bomb very, very slowly, praying that it wouldn’t suddenly change its mind. She stopped in front of its red-hot casing and looked at the screen. The message read: ‘Bomb about to detonate – Please wait...’
anaX wondered why there was no countdown timer, and made a mental note to write to the bomb’s manufacturers about it. She located the bomb’s micro-switch keyboard. It was small and awkward to reach, but fortunately anaX had reasonably long fingernails to tap in the 5-digit PIN number.
As she prepared to key it in, she realized to her horror that she didn’t know what the number was. She blinked twice as a sense of panic engulfed her. She had completely forgotten the PIN. “Oh my God!” she thought, her terror mounting. “What was the number?!?”
Just then she heard a small “phut” from inside the neutrino bomb, followed immediately by a hissing sound. anaX’s heart stop
ped. “That’s not the fifteen-second fuse, is it?” she wondered aloud, checking her watch. “It can’t be,” she said, her voice edged with desperation. “There should be hours to go yet.”
But the hissing sound continued. And there weren’t hours to go. There were only seconds to go. Fifteen seconds.
anaX wiped the sweat from her brow, wracking her brain for the code. And as she wracked, the fuse burned. Fourteen seconds. Thirteen. Twelve.
The mnemonic. What was the mnemonic she had devised to remember the number by?
Eleven.
It was something like: Alien Starship Swallows Orange.
Ten.
Which would make the number 5886. But that couldn’t be right as it contained only four digits.
Nine.
Or Alien Ship Swallows Orange Star. Which would be 54764.
Eight.
Or Orange Alien Ship Swallows Star. 65474.
Seven.
Orange Swallows Ship Star Alien?
Six.
Or none of the above.
Five.
Wasn’t really much of a mnemonic.
Four.
She could now smell sulphur. That had to be the fifteen second fuse.
Three.
But it couldn’t be, unless her watch had stopped.
Two.
It hadn’t. But the smell was getting stronger and there were traces of smoke coming from the bomb...
One.
Chapter 5
“Oh dear. That’s them,” said Chris suddenly.
sylX, fluX and jixX looked to where Chris was pointing. There, in the distance, and heading their way, was a pulse carrying several slimy green blobs.
“That’s the Benjaminites,” explained Chris. “Seems to be most of them. Including Jeremy.”
jixX looked anxiously down at Chris. “Should we make a run for it?” he asked.
“Perhaps we should stay and negotiate,” suggested sylX.
jixX frowned but said nothing. He looked towards fluX for support.
“Nein,” said the behavioural chemist shaking his head. “I am too veek. I cannot run.”
The group of slimy green Benjaminites continued to hurtle towards them on the pulseway.
“I think you’d better step back if you don’t want your clothes to get messy,” suggested Chris.
“Mein Gott, zey are crazy,” muttered fluX under his breath.
The three humans stepped back promptly as a brick wall leapt out of the ground and landed on the pulseway nearby. The Benjaminites sped nearer and nearer, faster and faster. Then, with an almighty, squelching splash they smacked into the brick wall, spraying green slime in all directions. The three humans set to wiping their clothes while Chris savoured the refreshing wetness that had rained down on him.
*
Zero.
Star Alien Ships Orange Swallows. That was it!
Zero.
Star Alien Ships Orange Swallows.
Zero.
What did that make?
Zero.
45568.
Zero.
It had to be 45568.
Zero.
She’d have to try that.
Zero.
She bit her lip nervously.
Zero.
Crossing her fingers, she prepared to type the number onto the microswitch keyboard. But she noticed something odd. Something was wrong. The neutrino bomb’s casing was no longer glowing red-hot. It was still pretty hot, to be sure, but no longer red-hot. It seemed to be cooling rapidly.
anaX frowned. Surely it wasn’t supposed to do that. At least, not until after the bomb had detonated; quite a considerable time after the bomb had detonated.
With shaky fingers, she typed 45568.
Nothing happened.
That, at least was a good sign: the bomb hadn’t exploded.
She waited for the bomb to cool even further, wondering whether it was now truly inactive. She picked up a small spanner lying on top of the fission-rod chamber and tossed it across the engine room. Nothing happened. The laser-rifle didn’t respond.
When the neutrino bomb looked cool enough, anaX touched it to make sure she could handle it. A doubt crossed her mind about the trembler device. Might that still be active and trigger the bomb?
She took a deep breath and carefully unclipped the bomb from the dimagnetic lead. Gently, gently she opened it to peer inside. She spent a few minutes examining the bomb’s circuitry to work out what was what, and what did what. Gradually, she began to piece together what in fact hadn’t done what, and what should have done what but had done something else instead. All the time she was shaking her head in disbelief at the incompetent design and shoddy workmanship.
By the time she had finished she was appalled. “That’s the last neutrino bomb I buy from the Sigh East Midlands Bomb Company!” she said angrily. She would most definitely be demanding her money back.
She closed the bomb, musing how near she’d been to death. Then a thought occurred to her. Why hadn’t the bomb exploded after all? The fuse had been lit and burning. She took a second look inside the casing and examined the fifteen-second fuse closely. It was damp; just where the flame had stopped there was a damp patch. That was what had saved her life (and everyone else’s).
anaX frowned even more deeply. But how could the fuse be damp? Inside the red-hot casing, any moisture would have dried out long ago. She mused over this puzzle for a little while. Then she had it! The engine room’s sprinkler system. When the door had caught fire the sprinkler system had briefly switched on. This must have been enough to dampen the fuse. “Phew!” she said, realizing her close shave.
Feeling a mixture of anger and relief, she placed the bomb back in her shoulder bag. She would have to hide it somewhere as it might prove incriminating if discovered.
anaX walked to the doorway and took one last look around the room before going out. She closed the remnants of the charred door behind her.
*
The region around the brick wall resembled the scene of a Mamm massacre. There was green slime everywhere. Neither jixX nor the stowaway could bear to look at it, and both turned their heads away. For fluX, however, it was a fascinating scientific curiosity and he watched, entranced, as the mess gradually began its slow re-assemblage into its constituent slimy green blobs. Bit by slimy bit, the pools and puddles of slime began writhing and twitching and coalescing to form larger and larger agglomerates. And finally, after a couple of minutes, these agglomerates had completely reformed into the ten slimy green blobs that they had originally been part of, each groggily wandering about wondering what time of day it was. The brick wall leapt back into the ground.
“Welcome to our planet, Ground,” said one of them, still a little shaken. “We greet you in friendship.”
This was clearly not Jeremy. He introduced himself as Randolph.
“Er, pleased to meet you,” said jixX.
Randolph introduced the other Mamms, one by one. Last, but not least, was Jeremy. “I believe you’ve already met Jeremy,” he said.
“Yes, we’ve had the...” started jixX, but felt unable to complete the sentence.
Jeremy glared at him with hate-filled eyes. Then he glared at the other humans as they proceeded to introduce themselves. He wanted to scream at them, to order them to die, to abuse them, call them names, to destroy them. But he could do none of these things. The loss of his voice was bad enough, but Randolph had made matters worse by confiscating his brick.
“Er,” started Randolph uncertainly after all the formal introductions were done. “We are the Benjaminites. Members of a fanatical religious sect called Benjaminism.”
“Chris has told us all about you,” put in sylX.
“Ah,” said Randolph, glancing uncertainly at Chris. “Well, did he explain our beliefs?”
“He mentioned something about The Dogs,” said jixX pointedly.
“Er, yes,” said Randolph.
“The Dogs are the Ultimate Inferior Bein
gs,” explained one of the Mamms in the background.
Randolph looked slightly embarrassed. “Yes, well, I hope you’ll understand that, as a purely precautionary measure, we need to check out whether any... visitors to our planet... are, in fact, The Dogs.
“They are The Dogs!! They are!!!” screamed Jeremy mentally, but no one was telepathic enough to hear him.
“I don’t see how we can be The Dogs,” said jixX recognizing Randolph as being a fairly reasonable sort of Mamm.
“Liar!!!” screamed Jeremy silently.
“You see, even on our home planet there are billions of species who, I would say, are inferior to us. And there must be billions of planets in the Universe where life is only just beginning to evolve. All these life forms have to be pretty inferior.”
“Hah!” screamed Jeremy’s agitated mind. “Proof enough!” He turned to Randolph to see whether the latter would pounce on this evident lie and use it against The Dogs.
But Randolph just said, “I’m afraid they don’t count.”
jixX looked puzzled.
“Why not?” asked sylX for him.
Randolph looked uneasily at her. “It says so in The Book,” he answered, but didn’t elucidate.
jixX and sylX exchanged glances.
Randolph coughed. “Well, look. Would you mind if we checked you out for caninity? Just to be on the safe side.”
jixX looked at the others who both shrugged uncertainly. He looked down at Chris.
“Don’t look at me,” said Chris. “This is nothing to do with me.”
“Alright,” said jixX with a sigh. “You can check us for caninity, or whatever.”
“What a fool!!” yelled Jeremy to himself. “The Dog’s fallen for it!” He glared at the humans with an evil smile on his face. He was going to enjoy seeing them lose and be destroyed. It would quite make his day.
“Thank you,” said Randolph. “If you excuse us, we just need to set up the equipment first.”
The Benjaminites gathered round Randolph and started murmuring amongst themselves. Then they began setting up their equipment. Several Mamms got back onto the pulseway and sped off into the distance.