by Roman, Mark
jixX looked anxiously at flux and sylX and tried to signal with his eyes that they needed to get out of there as soon as possible.
“Ironic is it not,” said fluX suddenly. “Zat zey are trying to prove ze existence of ze Ultimate Inferior Beings, while I am trying to prove ze existence of ze Ultimate Superior Being.”
The others looked at him, not quite sure what to say.
*
“Where have you been?” asked the all-too-familiar voice of LEP as anaX emerged from the forward engine room.
“In the forward engine room, as you can see,” answered anaX, trying to hide the shakiness in her voice and to sound as natural as possible.
“That’s no place for a woman,” said LEP. “It’s got BUF in it.” He chuckled and then said, “What were you doing in there?”
“That’s a secret.”
“A secret?”
“Yes. This is a Top Secret Space Mission. Remember?”
“Ah yes.”
anaX made her way back to the boat hangar and headed straight for the survival module she had spent so long preparing for flight. She hid her handbag, containing the neutrino bomb, deep in the pile of electronic equipment in the module’s food-store where no one could possibly find it. She felt a huge sense of relief engulf her, as though, at last, she was doing the right thing.
As she left the deep-space survival module, her thoughts turned to LEP who was humming a variation of “Daisy, Daisy” to himself. This, she realized, was another change she would need to make: to either retune LEP’s laryngomatic vocal chords or, failing that, to block them with cement.
She reached the main control room, wondering what other aspects of LEP’s character needed tinkering with. But, the moment she entered the control room, all these thoughts flew right out of the window. For there, on the floor in the centre of the room, was a slimy green blob. She stopped in her tracks, startled.
“Chris?” she asked tentatively.
The slimy green blob swung round to face her. It, too, looked startled.
“Oh, I do beg your pardon,” it said timidly.
“You’re not Chris, are you,” said anaX, noticing for the first time that this blob was slightly shorter than Chris.
“No. I’m terribly sorry, but I’m not.”
“Are you a friend of Chris’s?”
“Er, no. We’ve never really been close, my fault really. I don’t have any friends. Please accept my apologies.”
“No need to apologize,” said anaX, slightly taken aback by the blob’s meek manner.
Silence.
“My name’s anaX,” said the gynaecologist by way of introduction.
The slimy green blob waited for a few seconds and then said, “Carry on.”
anaX looked puzzled. “I’m a gynaecologist,” she offered.
The blob waited again and then said, “Go on.”
“That’s all there is.”
The blob looked upset. “I mean go on and insult me. Call me names. Criticize the way I look. Humiliate and embarrass me.”
anaX was startled. “What?”
“Pick on me. Hurt me. Make my life a misery.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Everyone else does,” said the Mamm bitterly. “That’s how everyone treats me.”
“Oh,” said anaX sympathetically. “You don’t need to worry. I’m not going to insult you. Okay?”
“You’re not?”
“No,” said anaX firmly. And then, without realizing what she was doing, she knelt down on the floor next to the blob to offer him some comfort.
The blob gave her a strange look and edged away.
“Tell me,” said anaX kindly. “Why does everyone treat you so badly?”
“You don’t know?” asked the blob.
“No. I’m new here.”
The blob’s apologetic manner returned. “Oh, I’m awfully sorry,” he said. “I didn’t realize. I thought you knew. I’m so, so, sorry.”
anaX frowned at the blob’s constant apologizing.
“I’m Henry,” continued the blob. “That’s my name. Henry. Pathetic name, really, but it suits me down to the ground. That’s because I, myself, am pathetic. I am the smallest, weakest, feeblest and most pathetic of all blobs. You’ll not find anyone more inferior than me. You need to be pretty inferior to be as inferior as me. Yes indeedy. My word, am I inferior.”
“Hmm,” said anaX thoughtfully. Although she was no expert in psychology, it seemed to her that Henry was displaying all the classic symptoms of an inferiority complex. From past experience anaX knew that people with inferiority complexes generally were indeed inferior, but one had to persuade them otherwise. So she tried to do just that.
“Don’t say that,” she said gently. “You’re not inferior.”
Henry’s mouth dropped open. “Pardon??”
“You’re not at all inferior.”
Henry stared at her in total bafflement, his slimy lower lip quivering slightly. He took a step back from anaX. But then a smile slowly appeared on his lips. “Ah, I get it,” he said, his grin broadening. “That was meant to be an insult.”
“No it wasn’t.”
“Yes it was,” said Henry, still smiling. “And a pretty good one at that. It really hurt me, that one. I’ve sort of become immune to all the usual abuse, but that one... yes, that one was really good.”
anaX rolled her eyes in exasperation.
“Well,” said Henry suddenly. “I can’t stand around being insulted all day. I’d better tell you why I’ve come here.”
“Please do.”
LEP suddenly stopped humming “Daisy, Daisy”. He had finally hit a correct note and wanted to savour the moment at leisure.
“It’s about your friends,” said Henry. “Their lives are in great, great danger. We must try to rescue them.”
Chapter 6
The Benjaminites continued with their preparations. The few that had sped off on the pulseway returned a few minutes later, in that messy way of theirs, deposited a large number of bricks in a pile and sped off again. They repeated the procedure several times until the pile of bricks was several feet high.
jixX eyed the preparations with growing unease. sylX and fluX were getting nervous, too, and even Chris looked troubled. After the third return of the brick-carriers Chris suddenly turned to jixX and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll try to get some help.”
Without another word he slithered over to a pulseway and was off. The three humans were left alone, with only the industrious Benjaminites for company.
Eventually, Randolph came over to them and said, “Right, we’re ready when you are. It’s all set up.”
“Okay. What happens now?” asked jixX, more nervous than ever.
“First, you pick a Champion, someone who will represent your species. Your Champion will be pitted against ours.”
“We fight?”
“No, no,” said Randolph, laughing. “Nothing so primitive. You compete in three different sports. Winner is the best of three.”
“Sports,” said jixX with interest. “I like sports.” Too late, he realized he had effectively volunteered himself as the Champion of the Human Race. Disappointingly, there was no dissent from the others.
“Good, good,” said Randolph. “And our Champion shall be Jeremy.”
“HUH???!!!??!” screamed Jeremy silently, astonished by this suggestion. He glared at Randolph in disbelief for a few seconds before slithering forward, looking indignant, and gesticulating wildly.
“That’s the spirit!” said Randolph. He turned to jixX. “Any questions?”
“What happens if I lose?” asked jixX.
Randolph gave a slight cough. He nodded in the direction of the large pile of bricks. “I’m afraid we’d have to...”
He didn’t finish his sentence.
Then he said, “Right, walk this way,” and led them to the first set of equipment. This consisted of a small platform surrounded by six knee-high screens. Being knee-high
, the screens were about the height of an average Mamm.
“What do we do here?” asked jixX.
“It’s quite simple. All you need worry about is the platform in the middle. The surrounding screens help us judge each contestant.”
Several Mamms were taking up their positions at the screens.
“In the spirit of fair play, we will let Jeremy go first,” said Randolph. “To allow you to get the hang of the sport.”
“Fine by me,” agreed jixX. “If that’s all right with Jeremy.”
They turned to look at Jeremy. It definitely was not all right with him. No way was it all right with Jeremy – as he tried to make clear with his wild gestures.
“Jeremy’s raring to go,” said Randolph, deliberately misinterpreting Jeremy’s non-verbal signals. “Come along, Jeremy.”
“NO!!! I will not!!” screamed Jeremy mentally, making gestures to match.
“Come on, Jeremy. We haven’t got all day.”
Jeremy suddenly stopped gesticulating as a thought occurred to him. By going first, he realized, he would be proving the humans to be The Dogs. Jeremy smiled a cunning smile as he stepped forward and went between the screens. He took his place on the little platform and looked about him with a superior air. ‘Dogs follow their Masters,’ he kept thinking to himself. ‘Dogs follow their Masters.’ Proof indeed. His only regret was that he was unable to tell Randolph and the other Benjaminites of this new proof. A proof that would surely convince even the most sceptical amongst them.
Perhaps later, he thought. When his voice returned.
*
“Your friends’ lives are in great, great danger,” repeated Henry. “We must try to rescue them.”
anaX looked a trifle puzzled. ‘Friends?’ she was thinking, wondering who Henry might be referring to. “Ah,” she said at last when it dawned on her who he meant. He meant the others who, only a few minutes ago, she had been intending to leave behind on this planet to the mercy of the neutrino bomb. “Those friends.”
“We must be quick.”
“What sort of danger are they in?”
Henry waited a second. “Look, I wish you’d throw in the odd insult every now and again.”
“Sorry.”
“Oh no, don’t apologize. It’s entirely my fault. I’m the inferior one around here.”
“What sort of danger are they in?” repeated anaX.
“Sorry, I didn’t answer your question, did I. Apologies for changing the subject like that. I’m not much of a talker, you know. I’m bad at most things, in fact.”
“What... sort... of...,” started anaX, uttering each word slowly and clearly.
“Ah, yes,” said Henry apologetically. “I fear that they are about to face a nasty death.”
“Death?” said anaX, surprised.
Henry waited for the insult. “Yes,” he said when none came. “A particularly horrible and painful one. Now, listen. Here is what we do...”
*
“So what does this sport involve?” asked jixX, as Jeremy, standing on the platform behind the six screens, looked about him with an air of superiority and supreme confidence.
“Well,” said Randolph. “It involves keeping perfectly still for as long as you can. The longest time is the winner.”
jixX looked disappointed. “Perfectly still?” he asked.
“Yes. Won’t be too strenuous for you, will it?” Randolph pressed a switch and all six screens surrounding Jeremy lit up. Each showed a continually moving pattern of lines. “These screens project an interference pattern which can detect a movement as small as one thousandth of an inch.” Randolph selected three of the Mamms. “Horace, Lawrence and Ambrose watch those three screens.” Then he indicated the three humans. “And if you three watch those, we can begin.”
“A thousandth of an inch?” asked jixX, feeling his muscles go weak.
But Randolph had turned his attention to Jeremy. “Right, Jeremy. Ready?”
Jeremy shook his head frantically.
“Steady?”
Jeremy’s head shaking became even more frantic.
“Stop!”
Jeremy froze. The interference pattern on all six screens became still. The three Mamms and the three humans stared intently at their screens for any signs of movement. But the patterns stayed put.
Five seconds passed.
Then ten seconds, still no movement.
Twenty seconds. Thirty, a full minute.
“He’s pretty good,” admitted jixX, becoming more and more nervous, glancing at the pile of bricks to his left.
Randolph gave a laugh. “No, not Jeremy. He’s far too emotional and jumpy for this sport.” Then he lowered his voice and said confidentially, “But it’s a way of keeping him quiet and out of mischief.”
“He’s been a lot quieter than the last time we met him,” whispered jixX back.
“He’s lost his voice,” explained Randolph, still in a whisper.
The three humans exchanged glances at this piece of information. It certainly explained a lot.
Behind the screens Jeremy was beginning to get rather annoyed. He could hear all the whispering and knew they were talking about him. Still, he would have the last laugh – when his voice returned – and would revel in The Dogs’ destruction.
“How long can he keep this up?” asked sylX, glancing at her watch and rubbing her eyes from the strain of staring at the fringe pattern.
“Well,” started Randolph. “The world record is 107 hours. But I don’t expect Jeremy to last half that long.”
The three humans shot glances at Randolph. “One hundred and seven hours??” they asked in chorus.
“I believe so,” said Randolph.
“And we’re supposed to stare at these screens all that time?” asked jixX.
“No, no. Not all that time. Like I say, I doubt Jeremy will last half that long.”
*
“Here is what we do...” repeated Henry, now in a whisper. He looked left, then right, then behind him, and then beckoned anaX to come closer.
“Go on,” urged anaX, also whispering, putting her ear close to his slimy green mouth.
“My plan is,” said Henry, edging closer to her and lowering his voice even further. “My plan is that we go and rescue your friends from the danger they are in at the hands of my friends.”
“Uh-huh,” whispered anaX encouragingly.
Henry edged back from her, looking slightly puzzled.
“What’s the matter?” asked anaX.
“Well, that’s it,” said Henry. “That’s my plan. That we go and rescue your friends.”
Still crouching down, anaX looked at him. “That’s it, is it?” she asked.
“Yes,” said Henry proudly.
anaX gave a slight cough. “It’s not really much of a plan, is it,” she said. “As plans go.”
“It isn’t?” asked Henry surprised. It was one of the best plans he’d ever had. “What’s wrong with it?”
“Well, I’d call it more of an idea, or an aim; rather than a plan. As ideas go, it’s fine. Great, even...”
“Coming from someone as inferior as me,” put in Henry.
“Right. But as a plan it is somewhat lacking,” anaX said, trying not to sound too critical. “It doesn’t have any substance or detail to it.”
Henry thought for a bit. As he thought, a smile came to his lips. At last anaX was beginning to criticize him, to give him the disrespect he was due. This was more like it. Perhaps, given time, she might work her way up to full-blooded insults.
He looked at her. Realizing it was his turn to say something, he said, “I’m very inferior.”
“We’re not back to that again, are we?”
Henry cringed. More criticism. He nodded up at anaX, grinning idiotically.
anaX controlled her sudden urge to hit him and straightened up. “What do you think, LEP?” she asked.
“Hmm,” said LEP thoughtfully. “I’d say he definitely is inferior.”
Henry grinned happily, while wondering where the voice had come from.
“I meant about rescuing the others,” said anaX. “And stop encouraging him.”
“Ah,” said LEP. “Yes, I’d say it’s a good idea.”
“Thanks for your input,” said anaX. She turned to Henry. “Where exactly are my ‘friends’?”
“Sort of that way,” said Henry pointing. “Quite a long way away.”
anaX nodded. She raised herself from her kneeling position by Henry and seated herself in the captain’s anti-inertial command couch. She looked at the controls and familiarized herself with them. They looked simple enough. Hopelessly designed, but simple enough.
“May I ask what you’re doing?” asked LEP.
“I’m going to taxi over there,” said anaX simply, checking the gauges.
LEP woke up at this. “In The Night Ripple?? You’re going to taxi over there in The Night Ripple?!”
“Yes.”
“You can’t do that!”
“Why ever not?”
But LEP couldn’t think of a single reason.
“Right, let’s go,” said anaX. She turned to Henry, “Ready?”
“I’m inferior,” said Henry. “So... no.”
anaX rolled her eyes. “Have you ever thought of going to see a psychiatrist?”
Henry looked puzzled. “I don’t know what that is.”
“An expert at dealing with problems like yours.”
“Would he insult me?”
anaX considered the question. “Yes, after a few sessions I think he probably would.”
Henry grinned.
anaX shook her head and turned on the ignition. After a few seconds of intensive revving, the phonon engines spluttered into life and The Night Ripple started vibrating in its familiar, bone-shaking manner.
Although Henry didn’t have any bones to shake, the vibrations happened to correspond quite closely to his resonant frequency. “I-I-t’s a-al-r-right,” he said, his voice quivering uncontrollably. “I-I-I th-th-ink I-I-’ll g-et-t out-t a-and-d wa-l-k-k.”
“Don’t worry,” said anaX, her voice also wavering slightly. “I’ve driven one of these before. Just sit tight.”
She gently pressed her foot on the accelerator pedal and The Night Ripple started shaking even more violently.
So did Henry.