The Ultimate Inferior Beings

by Roman, Mark

  “Oh really,” said jixX, dragging himself reluctantly into a sitting position. “Who is it?”

  “I can’t see. It’s too dark,” lied LEP.

  jixX put his head in his hands and sighed a frustrated sigh. He swung his legs out of bed and started putting on his trousers. All the time the knocking on his door continued, with ever more urgency.

  “Okay, okay,” he said as he finally opened the door.

  As he did so, his jaw dropped open in shock. He blinked several times.

  For there, standing in front of him, was sylX.

  “Come!” said sylX beckoning him. “I have something to show you.”

  “But...” said jixX, still not believing what, or rather who, he was seeing.

  “Quickly!” she snapped as she turned to lead the way.

  jixX followed her, jogging a little to catch up.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked as he neared her.

  “Stowing away,” she answered simply without turning around.

  jixX frowned a puzzled frown. “But why? Why didn’t you come aboard with us when we left? Instead of sneaking on afterwards?”

  “This is my job,” she reminded him. “Remember?”

  “So all that talk about wanting to learn more about the Mamms?”

  “Just a ruse,” said the stowaway.

  jixX had to hand it to her: she was good at her job.

  “Where are we going?” he asked her.

  “You’ll see,” she said as they reached the ship’s boat hangar. Inside were the four deep space emergency survival modules. The stowaway led the way through. They walked past emergency deep-space survival module number 3, with its dangerous and unauthorized cargo, but didn’t stop. Finally, they entered a small room adjoining the boat hangar, known as the auxiliary atmospheric distension room. sylX went over to the far wall and knelt by a ventilator grille. She beckoned jixX over.

  “Here, take a look at this,” she said as jixX crouched down beside her.

  jixX looked where she was pointing. There seemed to be some substance on the grille. He peered more closely and drew back with widened eyes. He had little difficulty recognizing it. “Looks like a drop of green slime,” he said.

  sylX nodded, a stern look on her face.

  “Probably Chris’s,” said jixX, although he knew that Chris had not been down to this part of the ship.

  sylX shook her head.

  “Or Henry’s?”

  sylX shook her head again.

  “Randolph?” tried jixX, but on seeing the expression on the stowaway’s face, added, “No, not Randolph.”

  jixX looked again at the green slime, and then a horrible thought occurred to him. “You don’t think it’s...”

  “Yes,” said the stowaway, nodding grimly. “It’s Jeremy. He must be on board. This slime’s still fresh.”

  Chapter 2

  The two exchanged worried glances and then both turned to stare at the ventilator grille.

  “Any idea where he is, LEP?” asked jixX in a whisper.

  “Somewhere in the ventilation system,” said the computer, also in a whisper. “Outside my sensory range.”

  jixX nodded. “Okay,” he whispered to the stowaway. “Let’s try this.” He knelt down on the floor beside the grille, and shouted loudly into it, “Right, Jeremy. We know you’re in there. We have the whole ventilation system surrounded. Come on out, with your hands up, and no one will get hurt.”

  His words echoed eerily along the shafts and passages beyond the grille. Then, as the echoes faded, sylX knelt down next to him and they both strained their ears for any sounds of movement from within.

  Almost immediately they heard a faint cry of “Dogs!!” ringing out from some far-off passage and echoing around the vent system for several seconds.

  They sat up, their worst fears confirmed: not only was Jeremy on board, but his voice had returned.

  *

  “Any ideas what we do now, LEP?” asked jixX, again speaking in a whisper.

  An echoing scream of “You will die, Dogs!” blasted from the ventilation system.

  “Smoke him out,” suggested LEP.

  “And then what?”

  “Tie him up.”

  “Very funny.”

  Suddenly, sylX got to her feet. “I’ve got an idea. I’ll be back in a second.”

  “What is it?” asked jixX, following her to the door.

  “Stay here,” insisted the stowaway. “In case he comes out.”

  There was a resounding yell of “I am the Chosen One!” from the ventilator grille.

  sylX slipped out of the auxiliary atmospheric distension room and into the boat hangar beyond.

  jixX turned back to the ventilator grille and watched it nervously.

  “Where are you, you Dogs?!” came the scream from the grille, seemingly much closer now. “Prepare to face your death!”

  “He’s getting closer,” said jixX.

  “What we need is a cunning plan,” said LEP.

  jixX waited for more. “Go on.”

  “Oh, I don’t have one yet,” admitted LEP. “But it’ll be a cracker when I do.”

  “I shan’t hold my breath.” jixX started to pace the room.

  The ventilator system had gone quiet.

  jixX slowed his pacing and looked across at the grille again. As he did so his heart stopped. For there, oozing from the thin, wire mesh of the grille, were a huge number of long, thin strands of green slime – each of which was square in cross-section – dangling towards the floor. As jixX watched in horror, more and more green slime pushed through the mesh and coalesced on the floor.

  Just then, sylX returned, and she, too, stopped in shock at the sight of Jeremy squeezing himself into the room. Together they watched the mass of slime grow and grow until, finally, the last part of it fell to the floor in one large dollop making a loud, squelching plop as it did so.

  There, before them, stood Jeremy the Mamm alien, looking shaken and disorientated.

  “Ah, there you are, you Dogs!!” he screamed when he had fully reformed and got his bearings. “You will shortly die.”

  *

  jixX looked over at the stowaway, wondering what her idea had been. She was holding a large, black plastic bin liner. He looked at her quizzically, which made her quickly put it behind her back, out of Jeremy’s sight.

  “At last,” Jeremy was saying. “Just as Benjamin prophesied.” In a flash he whipped out two slimy arms and grabbed the two nearest heavy objects from the floor. He was now armed and dangerous: in one green slimy limb he had a hammer, and in the other a large adjustable spanner.

  jixX and sylX stepped back, hardly daring to take their eyes off him. sylX fingered the black plastic bag behind her back. If only she could get close enough to jump him... She would need a distraction.

  “Why?” she asked him. “Why are you so determined to kill us?”

  Jeremy grinned evilly. “I’m glad you asked me that. Well, there are many reasons.”

  “Go on,” she urged as she edged closer.

  “First and foremost,” said Jeremy, “you are The Dogs and, as such, must be destroyed before you destroy the Universe. That, obviously, goes without saying. And, as I am the Chosen One, it is my duty to kill you. And, by killing you, I will prove to everyone that I am the Chosen One.” Jeremy paused, enjoying being the centre of attention and not noticing that sylX had edged even closer to him. “I guess I have a deep-rooted psychological need to prove myself in this way.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. But I’d rather not talk about it.”

  “Oh, please,” said the stowaway, making another tiny step forward. “I’d really like to know.”

  Jeremy looked thoughtfully at her. “Oh all right,” he said at last. “You’re both about to die, so it won’t make any difference if I tell you.”

  sylX nodded and shuffled forward a little. jixX edged forward with her.

  “Well,” started Jeremy. “I have a terrible s
ecret.”

  “You do?” they both said simultaneously.

  Jeremy nodded, but paused, wondering whether he should go on. “You see,” he said. “I’m not really a slimy green blob.”

  “You’re not??” they both asked, astonished.

  “No,” said Jeremy. “What you see is a disguise.”

  The humans exchanged bewildered glances.

  “In reality, I’m a slimy yellow blob. To disguise this shameful fact, I have to eat lots of vegetables to beef up my greenness. And I hate vegetables!” He gently brushed away a tear, before continuing. “You see, I had a deprived childhood. The pool from which I evolved had too little chlorophyll and was small and hidden behind rocks, so it never got much sunlight. The other blobs laughed at me, calling me names and considering me inferior. I resolved to prove I wasn’t inferior, so I trained myself to eat vegetables (yuk!) and joined the Benjaminites.”

  sylX tightened her grip on the opening of the bin bag behind her back. Her muscles tensed as she gently, gently leaned forward. She readied herself to dive. Any moment...

  But then she eased off. It was no good; she was still just too far away. It was far too risky.

  “I had to join them as an impostor,” Jeremy was saying, now in full flow. “They already had their allotted ten members. But I was so good that they never doubted me and never noticed that they were one over their quota. I was a good Benjaminite. They always said I was a good Benjaminite.”

  Jeremy lapsed into silence. Then, suddenly, he looked up. “Anyway,” he said. “I can’t stand around chatting all day. Do you have any last requests?” He raised the hammer and the adjustable spanner.

  The two humans looked at each other in panic.

  “Er, excuse me,” said LEP with a cough. “I have a final request.”

  Jeremy jumped back, startled, and glanced nervously about him, wondering where the voice was coming from.

  “That’s LEP – the ship’s computer,” explained jixX quickly. His heart skipped a beat. Had LEP just come up with a brilliant plan?

  “LEP?” repeated Jeremy, still looking round. “Is he a Dog?”

  “Sort of,” said jixX. “He’s rather inferior in the wit department.”

  LEP resisted the urge to comment.

  Jeremy considered the request. “Alright, then,” he said good-spiritedly. “I will allow you one final wish.”

  “Thank you,” said the two humans. “That’s very kind.”

  “Well, I’m not all bad, you know,” said Jeremy.

  They raised their eyebrows.

  “Go on, then,” said Jeremy, slightly impatiently. “What’s this last request?”

  “Er,” started LEP as the two held their breaths. “Would you be so kind as to get into the large plastic bag that sylX is holding behind her back?”

  Their hearts sank with a thud. LEP had just blown everything.

  “What plastic bag?” asked Jeremy.

  Reluctantly, sylX brought the bag from behind her back.

  “See it?” asked LEP.

  “Yes,” said Jeremy.

  “I’d like you to get inside it.”

  “What for?” asked Jeremy suspiciously.

  “It would make my day,” said LEP not untruthfully.

  “Mine too,” added sylX quickly, hoping all was not lost.

  Jeremy turned to jixX. “And you?”

  “That’s my last wish, too.”

  Jeremy looked at them doubtfully. “This plastic bag. What does it do?”

  “It has many uses,” said jixX. “Holding things... and so on.”

  “You’re not going to run away and hide as soon as I get in, are you?”

  “No, no,” they both assured him.

  Jeremy hesitated.

  “Please,” implored sylX. She knelt down, placing the bag on the floor and holding it invitingly open. “You’ll need to put down the hammer and spanner before you get in.”

  Jeremy gave a long sigh. “I don’t know,” he muttered, more to himself than to the others. “I just don’t understand you inferior types.” Then, to the utter amazement of both humans, he approached the bag, put down the hammer and large adjustable spanner, and slithered straight in.

  As soon as he was in, sylX closed the bag and tied a knot in it.

  “Well done! Well done!” said jixX, giving her a pat on the back. “That was brilliant, sylX. I can’t believe he fell for it!”

  LEP cleared his throat. “It was my cunning plan,” he pointed out.

  “Ah, yes,” said jixX. “Well done to you, too. LEP.”

  “Thank you.”

  “So what do we do with him now? We can’t take him back to Tenalp. Goodness knows what he’d do there!”

  “Hey!” called Jeremy from inside the bag as sylX lifted it off the floor. “You said nothing about tying the bag up!”

  “Send him home to Ground,” suggested LEP.

  “What do you Dogs think you’re up to??” screamed Jeremy. “Let me out!!”

  “How?” asked jixX, covering his ears against the noise from the bag.

  “Use one of the emergency deep-space survival modules in the boat hangar,” said LEP.

  “You can’t do that!!” yelled Jeremy.

  sylX was shaking her head. “He’s right,” she said. “You can’t do that. Those things take forever to prepare.”

  “Usually,” agreed LEP. “But I happen to know that No 3 is all ready for launch.”

  “How’s that possible?” asked the stowaway.

  “Sorry, can’t tell you,” said LEP. “Top Secret Space Mission, remember?”

  Jeremy, who had been impatiently listening to the conversation, suddenly realized that the humans had no intention of letting him out of the bag. They had tricked him! “Let me out, you Dogs!” he started yelling anew. “Let me out!”

  jixX rolled his eyes and took the bag from the stowaway. Together they went into the ship’s boat hangar and mounted the ramp leading into emergency deep-space survival module No 3.

  “Listen to what I have to say, Dogs!! I am the Chosen One. Let me out!!”

  jixX placed the bag on the floor of the control room and surveyed the complicated instrument panels and consoles. “Do you know how to work this thing?” he asked sylX.

  “No,” she answered. “I only know how to stow away in it.”

  “LEP?”

  “No idea,” said LEP.

  “Great.”

  “You could ask anaX,” suggested LEP. “She’ll know.”

  “Very funny,” said jixX.

  “Ask her,” insisted LEP.

  “This is not a gynaecological problem,” said the stowaway impatiently.

  “Ah, wait! LEP’s right. Electronics is her hobby,” said jixX, remembering. “I’ll go get her.” He turned to sylX. “Will you be alright here... with him?” He pointed to the writhing plastic bag on the floor.

  “Let me out!!!” screamed Jeremy.

  “I think so,” said sylX with a confident nod. “So long as he doesn’t deafen me.”

  *

  sylX silently watched Jeremy writhing about in the bag for a while. The silence seemed to have a calming effect on the blob – possibly because he thought he was about to be released.

  sylX kneeled down on the floor beside him. “Dear, oh, dear,” she said gently. “What are we going to do with you? Eh, Jeremy?”

  “Release me?” suggested Jeremy hopefully.

  sylX smiled. “And what would you do then?”

  “Destroy you and all the other Dogs.”

  “For all your faults, Jeremy, at least you’re honest.”

  “Well?”

  “No.”

  Jeremy sloshed about inside the bag for a bit. “Okay, you’ve had your little joke. Now let me out.” Then, with rising impatience, “Let me out! I am the Chosen One. Let me out!!”

  “No,” said sylX calmly.

  “Please.”

  “You’re going back to Ground.”

  “I can’t. They’ll
laugh at me.”

  “Good.”

  Jeremy fell silent. He decided that, rather than waste time arguing with The Dog, it was far better to conserve his energies for his escape. He fully intended to escape. Any minute now he would be making his escape; just as soon as he had figured out how.

  Just then jixX returned with a sleepy-eyed anaX.

  “How’s it going?” he asked.

  “Fine,” said sylX getting back to her feet. “A lot of squelching, but he hasn’t tried to make a run for it.”

  “Very funny,” said Jeremy from inside the plastic bag. “Very, very funny.”

  Chapter 3

  It took anaX five minutes to program the emergency deep-space survival module for its journey down to Ground. All other preparations had, of course, already been made. As she completed her task, she hit a large red button and started a countdown timer.

  “Right,” she said. “We have 30 seconds to get off this thing before the doors shut and the engines fire up.”

  jixX and sylX crouched down by the black plastic bag on the floor and said their final farewells to Jeremy; they were not well received.

  As the three were leaving, anaX came to an abrupt stop and put a hand to her mouth. “Oh no!” she exclaimed, panic on her face. “I need to get something from the food store!”

  “There’s plenty of food in the kitchen,” said jixX

  “You don’t understand.” She glanced at the timer. There were fifteen seconds left. Fourteen. Thirteen. She made for the corridor leading to the food store.

  “Come on,” urged jixX. “We need to get off!”

  “Quickly!” added sylX.

  They were already heading down the ramp.

  anaX stood frozen in indecision. Another glance at the timer told her there were only ten seconds to go. She gave a grunt of annoyance at herself and followed the other two down the ramp.

  *

  Back in the main control room the three of them watched the departure of the module on one of the display screens. The craft made its slow, ponderous way down the oxido-aerobic, pre-sheared, friction-limiting slipway and out, out into deep space. They crowded around the tertiary observation window to watch it go. anaX kept biting her nails as she watched. The module drifted into the distance until it became a tiny point in the ebony darkness of the Pseudogravitic Continuum. Its only passenger – a slimy, yellow-green blob inside a black, plastic bin bag.