The Ultimate Inferior Beings

by Roman, Mark

  This time it made him feel sick.

  “Blyeuhh!” he said as he spat it out.

  He picked himself slowly and painfully off the floor and dropped back into his seat. He remembered the strange little space object, now floating some distance away from his vast, ugly ship. His thoughts turned to Chella. Sweet, beautiful, gentle Chella.

  “Ah, Chella,” he murmured wistfully. “My fair, fair Chella.”

  These thoughts jerked him into activity. If he wanted to win Chella, then this object might be his only hope. He’d have to grab it fast and speed back to Slokkit. He didn’t have much time. If he acted quickly, Chella could be his forever.

  *

  “What are we going to tell the others?” asked the First.

  “We don’t know,” responded the other two. These were three little words that the wormids had never dreamt they would ever use: “We don’t know.”

  “Hold on,” said the First as a thought struck him. “I’ve had a thought.”

  The other looked startled, for no thought had struck them at the same time.

  “I think it’s that object,” said the First. “I think it’s responsible.”

  The other two didn’t know what he was talking about, but were too proud to admit it.

  “It’s a Knowledge Drain,” continued the First.

  “A what??” asked the others.

  “Look,” explained the First. “Everything was alright until that thing came along. We knew everything there was to know. Right?”

  The others nodded impatiently.

  “We had discovered all the Universe’s secrets and possessed all the Knowledge there was to possess. And then...,” he nodded his head at the vast, ugly object which was once again in full view at their window, “...that thing showed up.”

  “Get on with it.”

  “So it must have drained some of our knowledge; it must be a Knowledge Drain.”

  “Nonsense,” said the Second dismissively.

  “I’ve never heard such rot,” said the Third with undisguised disdain.

  “It’s the only possible explanation,” insisted the First.

  “Prove it!” said the Second and Third together.

  *

  Wasting no time, Pfnug worked the controls of his spaceship to manoeuvre it towards the object. As his ship approached, he opened the hold bay and prepared to let the hold swallow it up...

  *

  “I just know I’m right,” said the First with all the conviction he could muster.

  “And we just know you’re wrong,” said the Second.

  “Alright, what’s your explanation for that thing?”

  The Second suddenly looked very sad. “Perhaps we never really knew Everything in the first place. Simple as that.”

  The First looked horror stricken. He turned to the Third and asked, “And what’s your take on this? Did we have Total Knowledge, or didn’t we?”

  “Dunno,” said the Third with a shrug.

  “Look,” said the Second. “If we really knew Everything we’d have known about this ‘Knowledge Drain’ and would have avoided it.”

  “Good point,” said the First. “But what if we had a good reason for encountering it like this? I think we knew what we were doing. After all, we knew Everything.”

  The Second gave a scoff. “How can you ‘drain’ knowledge?”

  “You should have asked me that about an hour ago.” The First smiled falsely at the Second.

  “I would have known the answer myself then, wouldn’t I,” said the Second, smiling falsely back.

  “So you would,” said the First, giving another false smile.

  The two of them continued smiling falsely at one another until the Third asked, “So what are we going to do?”

  “Get our knowledge back!” said the First. “We go inside that object and retrieve it.”

  The Second laughed out loud at this, but said nothing.

  The First turned to the window and said, “Right, in we go...”

  At that very moment a large crack appeared in the side of the object and widened as a panel slowly slid open to reveal a black gaping hole behind it. The panel stopped moving, but the black gaping hole continued to grow in size. With horror, the three wormids realized that it was growing because they were moving towards it.

  “How did you do that?” asked the Third in amazement.

  The First didn’t answer as he was as amazed as the others.

  Their craft approached closer and closer to the gaping hole until finally it was totally engulfed by it. They sensed the panel closing behind them and they suddenly found themselves facing total blackness.

  All three wormids swallowed nervously.

  “Right,” said the First, trying to hide the shakiness of his voice. “We’re in.” He looked at the worried expressions on his companions’ faces, lit eerily by the small lamps in their spacecraft’s control room. “Now all we’ve got to do is go out there and get our knowledge back.”

  *

  With the small object securely stored in the hold of his spaceship, Pfnug worked the controls to steer his ship at full speed back to Slokkit. He was keen to take a closer look at his find. Perhaps it would look uglier close up. With his three hearts beating faster, he slid off his seat and splashed through the lake of bodily fluids on the floor. As he opened the door of the control room, the liquids gushed out into the corridor. He followed them towards the hold of his spaceship.

  He made his ungainly way down the spiral staircase and entered the hold, switching on the lights as he did so. In trepidation, he approached the object and leaned his repulsive, bloated, throbbing, glutinous mass over it. He peered in through a little window in the side.

  There was nothing to be seen. It looked hollow and empty. He gave a long, gut-wrenching wail of disappointment.

  *

  The three wormids were down in the suiting-room struggling into their space suits.

  “Do you really think this is a good idea?” asked the Second.

  “Just put your suit on,” said the First.

  “So, what does ‘knowledge’ look like?” asked the Second sarcastically. “I mean, how will we know when we’ve found it?”

  The First gave him a sharp look. “Because we’ll know Everything when we’ve found it,” he answered. “Won’t we.”

  *

  Pfnug was just about to slope off dejectedly when something caught his eye. A small, thin, worm-like object dropped out of the spaceship and landed silently on the floor beneath. It was followed by a second, and then a third.

  “What are these?” wondered Pfnug.

  He peered closely at the objects, which seemed to be wriggling. They were alive! One by one, they raised half their length vertically into the air. The raised end was enclosed in a clear, spherical bulb. Inside the bulb was a red tip protruding into it.

  “Wow,” thought Pfnug. They’re aliens! Ugly little buggers, too. Suddenly Pfnug burst out laughing.

  “They are so ugly!” he exclaimed joyfully. “They are so hideous!” He stood grinning at the three tiny aliens. “Chella’s as good as mine,” he roared and did a little dance. “Dork will never come up with anything as horrible as these!”

  Still laughing, Pfnug left the hold.

  *

  “What the heck was that?!?” asked the Third.

  “I don’t know,” said the First. “But I’m glad it’s gone.”

  “It was repulsive,” said the Third with a shudder.

  They looked about them.

  “It left a terrible mess behind it,” said the Second, looking at the steaming pools of foul fluid that remained.

  “Yes,” said the First vaguely, busily looking around for any signs of their knowledge. Nothing obvious struck him, although of course he had no idea what it would look like or where it might be hidden. “Okay, let’s split up and search this place,” he suggested. “You go that way, you that, and I’ll go this way. Meet back here in half an hour.”

 
“Time’s running out,” said the Second pointedly. “The Light is about to...”

  “Yes, yes, I know,” said the First. “That’s why we have to get our knowledge back and get out of here fast!”

  The three split up and went in their designated directions.

  They searched high and low but, when they had all returned to their craft, they had found nothing.

  “Well, it doesn’t seem to be here, does it,” said the First.

  “No,” agreed the Second.

  “Hmm,” said the First.

  “What now?” asked the Third.

  “I don’t know,” said the First.

  “He doesn’t know,” said the Second, rolling his eyes.

  *

  Pfnug was still chuckling to himself back in his control room. “Dork was right,” he was saying. “I was right. We were both right.”

  He leaned down and noisily slurped some liquid off the floor.

  “Yeeuuhh!” he said with a grimace, allowing most of the liquid to dribble back out of his mouth.

  “We both knew that Space would be the answer. That there’d be far more hideous things out here than back on Slokkit. So, we built our ships, Dork and I. The others, of course, copied us.

  “And we were right! Except that Dork doesn’t know it, yet!!” He laughed as he reflected on the three creatures down in his hold. “Wow. They’re the most nauseatingly disgusting things I have ever seen in my life!”

  He leaned back in his seat and thought sweet thoughts about Chella and how she would surely be his very soon.

  *

  The three wormids were back in their craft, removing their space suits.

  “That big, wet, repulsive thing,” the First was saying. “I bet that’s the thing that took our knowledge.”

  “Do you,” said the Second tonelessly.

  “I’m sure of it,” said the First.

  “What now?” asked the Third.

  “Wait until it comes back,” said the First.

  “And then what?” asked the Second mockingly. “Pounce on it? Give it a body search?”

  “That’s not quite what I had in mind,” said the First.

  “What then?”

  “I don’t know,” said the First. “But remember, we used to know Everything. So we knew what we were doing in coming here. We knew we’d get through this somehow.”

  *

  As Pfnug’s ship raced back to Slokkit, his thoughts of Dork returned. Dork was good, but Pfnug knew that, with his worm things, he could beat him. There was Slokkit now, looming up ahead and getting larger and larger.

  “Slokkit! Slokkit!” cheered Pfnug, his eyes popping out with joy. As his ship approached, his excitement increased, until his pulsating, wheezing, hissing body could take no more and Pfnug once again lost consciousness, dropping off his seat with a loud splash.

  *

  The three wormids sensed that the object carrying them had landed. A little while later their craft was picked up and moved. It was carried out of the vast and ugly object that had swallowed them up and was taken out into the open. They were on a planet and it was night time. They gazed up into the night sky to work out where they were. It was not good news.

  “You know where we are, don’t you,” said the First.

  “Yes,” confirmed the other two dolefully.

  They were on a planet in the Light system. A planet slightly further from the Light than their home planet, but still a planet in the Light system.

  “You know what this means, don’t you,” said the First.

  “Yes,” confirmed the other two.

  “We’re back in the Light system,” said the First, deciding to spell it out for them anyway. “We’ve been taken back. Which means that, when the Light goes supernova in a few hours time... we’ll go with it!”

  “We know,” said the other two wormids sadly. “We know.”

  *

  “Next!” roared the Great Tuatt from a distance.

  Pfnug the Hodeus came forward nervously, holding his find carefully, terrified of dropping it. He approached the podium and glanced uncertainly at the Great Tuatt who was safely situated several hundred yards away. With shaking limbs, Pfnug carefully placed the object on the podium. He turned it a little to present its ugliest face to the Great Tuatt. Then he withdrew, his lower limbs shaking like jelly. Pfnug knew he had a real chance of winning Chella.

  He retraced his steps until he was back far enough from the podium to enable the Great Tuatt to approach without being repulsed by Pfnug’s presence. Then, the Great Tuatt solemnly slithered and squelched and hissed and burped his way over to the podium. He leaned down to peer more closely at the object on it. He noticed the window and looked inside. There he saw three tiny worm-like creatures jumping up and down. He shot a questioning look at the distant ugly figure of Pfnug, but Pfnug just smiled back revoltingly. The Great Tuatt turned to the three jumping worm-things, wondering not only what they were, but also why they were jumping up and down like that.

  There seemed to be a pattern and rhythm to the jumping. At each jump they nodded their heads in the same direction. The Great Tuatt looked in the direction they were indicating, but all he could see was the Lumen, which was the star the wormids called the Light. Jump, nod. Jump, nod.

  “Hmm,” said the Great Tuatt. He realized the three worm-things were also emitting a high-pitched squeaking noise. He had assumed it to be one of his stomachs, but now he knew the noise to be coming from the worm-things. Jump, nod, squeak. Jump, nod, squeak. Jump, nod, squeak.

  The Great Tuatt made a revolting noise in his throat. He straightened up and looked at Pfnug in the distance.

  “Repugnant,” he said and stepped back the full hundred yards. “Next!”

  *

  The three wormids were hoarse and exhausted from all their screaming and jumping. They lay on the floor of their spacecraft and wondered why the huge repulsive thing had not taken any notice of their warning that the Light was about to go supernova. Any minute now. They were feeling frustrated, demoralized and sick.

  Suddenly, the First jumped up.

  “That’s it!” he exclaimed. “I’ve got it! Now I know it all!”

  “You do?” asked the Second, sitting up.

  “Well no, not all,” admitted the First. “But I think I know why we encountered the Knowledge Drain.”

  “Why would that be, then?” asked the Second somewhat sceptically.

  “Self-sacrifice,” said the First. “Look, we knew Everything. We knew everything there was to know. We knew the Light was about to go supernova. We were leaving the Light system for a new future, a new beginning. But we also knew about the Knowledge Drain and what a danger it posed to our civilization. We knew we would have to destroy it – before it destroyed us!”

  The Second and the Third were frowning as the First’s theory unfolded.

  “So, we three volunteered to encounter the Knowledge Drain. We must have known that it would first drain our knowledge, then capture us, and finally bring us here to its home planet. Once back here, we knew the explosion of the Light when it goes supernova would destroy the Knowledge Drain forever.” The First lowered his head before adding, “And us with it.”

  The Second and Third wormids looked at the First as though he were insane. He looked back at them, nodding slowly and sadly. “Yes,” he said. “We three volunteered to sacrifice our lives so that the others could fly from the Light system to a new beginning – free from the threat of the Knowledge Drain.”

  The other two wormids continued to look at the First as though he were insane, but now, despite everything, found themselves half-believing what he was saying. After all, it all seemed to fit. It had a warped logic to it and seemed to sort of make sense. Indeed, it seemed to provide their lives with some sort of purpose and meaning.

  “Wasn’t that noble of us,” said the First.

  “Wasn’t it,” said the Second.

  “Wasn’t it,” said the Third.

  * />
  A long way from the Light system, speeding to a new beginning, a new future, were millions of wormid ships. In one of them sat three wormids, staring out through the window in front of them. The three wormids knew exactly where they were, exactly where they were going and exactly how long it would take to get there. These wormids, like all others, knew Everything.

  But, as they travelled, they began to sense that something was seriously wrong. The longer they travelled the stronger the sense of unease.

  Finally, the youngest of the three spoke. “Um,” he said, not knowing how to put his uncertain thoughts into words.

  The other two wormids glared at him for daring to speak (even if it had only been a single ‘Um’). But then they saw his confused expression and, allowing for his youth, forgave him this minor indiscretion.

  “Shouldn’t,” continued the young wormid regardless. “Shouldn’t, er, the Light... er... shouldn’t the Light have, er, gone supernova, like? Sort of... half an hour ago?”

  “It should,” agreed the other two. “We know it should.”

  “Then, er, why didn’t it?” asked the young wormid. Now this really was pushing his luck.

  “Sshh!” said one of the older wormids sternly.

  But the other wormid was a little gentler. “We knew it wouldn’t,” he said. “We know Everything. Remember?”

  “I know,” said the young wormid. “It’s just that...”

  “Sshh!” said both wormids this time. “We know Everything.”

  They all turned to the vast window in front of them and continued staring at the star-studded blackness ahead. They all knew the young wormid had a point.

  But then, they knew Everything.

  *

  Back home, in his underground lair, Pfnug contemplated the strange spherical object he had brought with him from space. He had a little smile on his bloated face. He even allowed himself to hum a little tune. Surely Chella was his.

  Outside he heard the sound of approaching squelches and suddenly stiffened.

  “Who is it?” he called.

  “It’s Frut,” came a revolting, squeaky voice from outside. Pfnug shuddered at the sound of it. He didn’t know any Hodeus called Frut, and nor did he want to.