Wychetts and the Dungeon of Dreams

by William Holley

  The banqueting hall doors swung open all by themselves. At one time he might have been impressed, but after a day at Maddergrub Manor Edwin was starting to take things for granted.

  Until he entered the banqueting hall.

  The vast rectangular chamber was festooned with streamers and bunting, a cascade of pinks, reds and yellows tumbling from the walls and vaulted ceiling. The long table was draped in red cloth trimmed with gold, and laden with an array of diamond-studded plates, dishes and goblets that glittered in the light from a multitude of candles.

  “Welcome Prince Edwin, honoured guest.”

  The booming voice drew Edwin’s attention to the far end of the hall where the Maddergrub family were assembled on a raised dais. They were all resplendently dressed, even little Floriana and Alphonsus, and beamed warmly at him as he performed a bow in response to their greeting.

  But after Edwin straightened, he noticed someone was missing. He was about to enquire, but Lord Maddergrub spoke first.

  “And to Malady, our most beloved daughter and saviour of Maddergrub Manor.”

  The hall rang with a grand trumpet fanfare. Edwin looked round but couldn’t see a trumpeter, or any sign of Maddy for that matter. Then he noticed the Maddergrub family were looking up at the ceiling. Or, to be more precise, a round window in the apex of the ceiling.

  The window opened by itself, and Edwin glimpsed a shape against the dimming evening sky.

  A bird flew through the window to swoop majestically around the hall. It was a beautiful specimen, with vibrant purple plumage and a green crest on its slender head. It had bright blue eyes, and a long tail of shimmering gold feathers.

  There was a burst of applause when the beautiful bird settled on the floor in front of the Maddergrub family. Then there was a puff of smoke, and a girl stood where the bird had landed.

  She wore a flowing purple gown with a gold lace collar. A diamond tiara glittered in her hair, which tumbled over her shoulders in luxuriant green ringlets. At first Edwin thought this girl must be another member of the family, then gasped when he realised it was Maddy. He had never seen her looking so pretty, even with those thick-rimmed glasses she drew out of her sleeve to put on.

  The applause stopped as the Maddergrub family greeted Maddy with a combination of bows and curtseys. Maddy curtsied back to them, before performing a little twirl.

  “How do I look?” she asked her family.

  There was a babble of flattering responses, even from the youngest children.

  Maddy smiled. “You all look pretty neat too.” Then her smile vanished. “Except one thing.”

  The Maddergrubs smiled knowingly at each other, before each one donned a pair of thick rimmed glasses just like Maddy’s.

  “Perfect!” Maddy squealed and clapped her hands. “I knew you’d all see sense in the end.”

  The Maddergrub family bowed and curtsied again. Maddy spun on her heel to face Edwin.

  “So what do you think of it so far?”

  “Um…” Edwin struggled to think of a suitable word. “Different. What was all that stuff with the bird?”

  “I told you, doors are not how I roll. Plus it’s my party, so I’m entitled to a grand entrance if I want.” Maddy scowled at Edwin. “You’re not going to be grumpy all evening?”

  “Like I said, I… hey!” Edwin suddenly realised he was wearing glasses like Maddy. “I don’t want to wear these stupid things.”

  “It’s either glasses or a funny hat,” warned Maddy.

  “I’d prefer a funny hat,” said Edwin, just to be awkward.

  Maddy clicked her fingers.

  The glasses disappeared, and Edwin felt something on his head. “What’s that?”

  “Your funny hat.” Maddy picked up a dish from the table so that Edwin could check his reflection in its polished surface. He was wearing a paper hat adorned with a smiling clown’s face.

  “I say I say I say,” said the hat. “What did the hat say to the neck tie?”

  “I don’t know,” said Maddy to the hat. “What did the hat say to the neck tie?”

  The hat laughed. “You hang around, I’ll go on a head.”

  There was a little drumroll and cymbal crash from somewhere.

  “Now that’s what you call a funny hat.” Maddy giggled. “Very good, isn’t he?”

  Edwin was not impressed. “Thinking about it, I don’t want to wear glasses or a hat.”

  “Suit yourself.” Maddy clicked her fingers again, and the funny hat vanished. “But you’d better start cheering up, or I’ll make you wear both.”

  “But I can’t cheer up.” Edwin moved closer to Maddy. “Not when I know that Wychetts and the rest of my family are in trouble.”

  “We’ve been through all this. I’ll speak to my parents first thing tomorrow, then we’ll go back to the future and save them. Now cheer up, misery guts.” Maddy turned to smile at her family. “So what are we all waiting for? Let’s party like it’s thirteen ninety nine!”

  There were cheers, but Lord Maddergrub raised a hand.

  “But what about all our other guests, Malady?”

  Edwin had been wondering why there were so many seats at the table.

  “Oh dear.” Maddy put a hand to her mouth. “I forgot to send out the invitations.”

  For some reason everyone seemed to find that funny. Then Maddy clapped her hands, and suddenly every seat at the table was filled. The guests laughed and chatted amongst themselves, as though they were already enjoying the festivities.

  Edwin switched his astonished gaze back to Maddy. “Magic guests?”

  “Naturally. And do you know the best bit about that? If they start getting dull and talking about the economy, I can just turn them into someone less boring.”

  As Maddy spoke, Edwin could hear a portly gentleman droning on in the background.

  “Oh I agree, but the fact wages are not rising as fast as inflation is having a negative impact on the ability of homeowners to meet on-going mortgage costs with the result that…”

  Maddy clicked her fingers. The portly man vanished, to be replaced by a monkey in a glittery sombrero.

  Edwin blinked. “A monkey in a sombrero?”

  Maddy nodded. “Can’t get more interesting than that, eh?”

  “Honoured daughter,” said Lord Maddergrub, stepping down from the dais with the rest of his family. “We hold this party in celebration of our love for you. Let there be joyous feasting. Let there be jubilant drinking. Let there be only mild gastric discomfort in the morning. Let there be…”

  “Music!” Maddy clapped her hands.

  An orchestra appeared on the dais, the air filling with the sound of energetic music. Then Edwin realised it wasn’t an actual orchestra, just the instruments. The instruments were playing themselves!

  All the party guests started clapping in time to the music. Even the monkey, who clapped with his feet as well as his hands.

  Lady Maddergrub spread her arms. “And let there be dancing!”

  Dancing. Edwin’s stomach lurched at the sound of the word. But before he had a chance to feign a serious ankle injury, little Floriana had grabbed hold of his hand. Then Alphonsus took Floriana’s other hand, and Rosabella took his in turn. Lord and Lady Maddergrub joined the chain, which closed into a circle when Maddy linked hands with her mother and Edwin.

  “I don’t dance,” Edwin reminded Maddy. “I can’t dance.”

  “This is magic dancing.” Maddy started to jig about. “All you have to do is let the music take control.”

  Edwin tried to pull away, but Maddy and Floriana wouldn’t let go of him. So he had no choice but to join in the dancing.

  After a few half-hearted leg jerks he found there was something in the jaunty music that made him lose his usual inhibitions. And as his movements quickened Edwin began to feel as though his feet weren’t touching the floor any more.

  Then he looked down and saw that his feet weren’t touching the floor. He was floating. Maddy was floating
too, and the rest of her family. They were all floating. Literally dancing on air.

  “I don’t believe it,” he gasped. “This is amazing!”

  “Told you magic parties were fun,” Maddy grinned. “And you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

  17 Mummy Sing Me a Bedtime Song

  Bryony had opened her eyes several times already, but still couldn’t make sense of what she saw.

  With the dank smell and slimy stone walls, it could have been another prison cell. Except there was furniture of sorts: a wooden desk and rickety shelves all laden with battered leather books and rolls of yellowed parchment. Some kind of office, maybe? Yes, Bryony decided that’s where she was. Someone’s office. Only that didn’t explain why everything was upside down.

  Then Bryony saw the manacles round her ankles, and came to realise that she was the one who was upside down, hanging in chains from the ceiling.

  And that’s when she started shouting.

  “Help! Someone, please!”

  There was a stomping noise in response, and a pair of hefty feet came lumbering into view.

  “Woken up, have we?” A phlegmy voice snorted. “Hope you enjoyed yer little nap. Some of us have been working, you know.”

  Bryony looked up to see an ugly pig face leering at her.

  “You been causing a right kerfuffle.” Gluttoniuos Globb stabbed a podgy finger at Bryony’s legs. “Knew you was trouble the moment I saw you. I could tell by the devious look in your eyes.”

  “Those are my knees,” said Bryony.

  “Eh?” Globb studied her carefully. “Oh. Sorry. I can never tell with humans, you’re all so ugly.”

  “You can talk,” growled Bryony. “You’re so hideous, I bet you have to sneak up on the mirror.”

  Globb snorted angrily. “I’ll have you know I’m very good looking for a troll. I got that from my mother’s side of the family.”

  “Along with the facial hair and bad breath?”

  “As it happens, yes.” Globb seemed proud of the fact. “And the warts. And the extensive tooth decay. And the intriguingly shaped birthmark on my…”

  “I don’t want to hear,” cut in Bryony. “I just want you to let me go.”

  “Let you go?” Bryony felt a spray of snot as Globb exhaled another loud snort. “I ain’t doing that, not after all the hassle you caused me. Took all day to track you down. Eventually found you unconscious in the lower levels. Looks like you’d just escaped from the crematorium. You were lucky to get out of there alive.”

  Bryony couldn’t recall how she’d escaped from the furnace. She guessed it was by magic, but she’d been too weak to use her powers. So how…

  “But you can’t use magic to get out of this one,” warned Globb. “These manacles are forged from high grade anti-magic iron. Which means yer crafty spells won’t work.”

  Bryony now realised she was totally at Globb’s mercy. “So what’s going to happen to me?”

  “The punishment for attempted escape is harsh,” explained the troll. “If you got flayed alive and dunked in a vat of acid you’d be getting off lightly. But you…” The pig face wobbled as it shook from side to side. “You’re a different case.”

  That didn’t sound good to Bryony. “Please, I haven’t…”

  “You shouldn’t even be here.” Globb pointed to a hefty book that lay open on his desk. “You ain’t on the list. I checked and re-checked, but can’t find you anywhere.”

  Bryony’s hopes lifted. “I told you I was innocent. So you’ve got to let me out, huh?”

  “Ain’t got the authority,” revealed Globb. “The only one who can make that decision is the guy at the top. The Guvnor.”

  “Then I must see him.” Bryony craned her neck in an attempt to meet Globb’s piggy gaze. “You must take me to the Guvnor.”

  “Ain’t as simple as that. The Guvnor is very busy. Even busier than me. It’s more than my job’s worth to go troubling him with trivial matters like this. I got my pension to think about. Going to retire to a nice little bog in the countryside, where I’ll grow high quality slunge for the local market.”

  “Never mind all that.” Bryony couldn’t have cared less about Globb’s future plans. “What’s going to happen to me? You can’t put me back in a cell.”

  “Too right,” agreed Globb. “You need twenty four hour supervision. Which is why you’ll have to stay chained up ‘ere where I can keep an eye on you.”

  “You can’t leave me like this,” protested Bryony. “I’m upside down.”

  “I’ve only got your word for that.” Globb shrugged his lumpy shoulders. “Now I can’t stand ‘ere chatting with you all day, it’s my tea break.”

  Globb emitted one last snort before stomping out of his office.

  “You can’t leave me here!” wailed Bryony. “I want to see the Guvnor. Come back! Please…”

  Bryony’s cries were drowned by a despairing sob. Then the tears came, dribbling down her forehead and into her tangled black hair.

  “This is no time for crying,” said a familiar voice. “For we are reunited, and close to escaping this wretched place.”

  “Huh?” Bryony blinked back the tears, trying to locate the source of the voice. Then she saw the skull sitting on Globb’s desk. “Boney! What are you doing here?”

  “I am ensconced as some sort of paperweight cum novelty lighting fixture. A clever camouflage to disguise my presence.”

  “It suits you.” Bryony noticed the candle stuck on top of the skull, the dripping wax resembling hair. “But I actually meant how did you get here in the first place.”

  “The same way you escaped from being crushed to a pulp, devoured by a shark and burned to a cinder. Magic, of course.”

  “You missed out the rusty spikes,” said Bryony. “And the circular blade thingy.”

  “Apologies. Be sure to include them all in the ‘Near Death Experience’ section of your curriculum vitae.”

  “But I was too weak to do any magic by the time I got to the furnace.” Bryony shook her upside down head. “So how did I get out of that one?”

  “It wasn’t your magic that saved you from the fire,” said Boney. “It was mine.”

  “You can do magic?” Bryony’s jaw would have fallen open if she’d been hanging the right way up. “How come?”

  “Since your arrival, my memories have gradually returned to me,” explained Boney. “And I suddenly recalled that I used to have magic powers of my own.”

  “Wow!” Bryony was impressed. “So you were a wizard?”

  “Perhaps. But much of my past still remains a mystery, and will do so until we can escape this place.”

  “That won’t happen,” Bryony told him. “These manacles are magic proof.”

  “Only to the person wearing them. Allow me to demonstrate.”

  There was a snapping sound as the manacles broke, followed by a thud when Bryony hit the floor.

  “Sorry about that,” said Boney. “I hope you are not hurt.”

  “I’m fine.” Bryony got shakily to her feet. “Anything is better than hanging upside down. I do feel a bit light headed though.”

  “Not as light headed as I am.” Boney chuckled. “Light headed. You see the candle on my head? Light headed. Geddit?”

  Bryony tutted as she walked to the desk. “You might have remembered how to do magic, but you still need to work on the jokes. And anyway, I don’t get it.”

  “I thought it was obvious,” said Boney. “The lighted candle is on my head, which means I’m literally light headed. But I don’t want to wax lyrical about it. It would only get on your wick. There were two more belters there, by the way.”

  “I didn’t mean the joke. I meant why you let Globb take me to his office. Couldn’t you have used your magic to zap us somewhere safer?”

  “There are two reasons for that. Firstly, there are no safe places in the Dungeon of Dreams. And secondly, because Globb’s office is exactly where we need to be. If what the rat told me is true, we are now very c
lose to the escape shaft.”

  “It’s in Globb’s office?”

  “Almost. It’s in his kitchen. Which must be through that door over there, where the rock troll is enjoying his tea break. Let us take a look.”

  Bryony picked up Boney and carried him to the kitchen door. It was ajar, and through the gap she could see Globb pouring the contents of a teapot into a delicate china cup. He took a sip, then snorted so hard that most of the tea blew out through his nostrils onto the wall.

  “Perfect,” sighed the troll. “I do make a lovely cup of tea, if I say so myself. Now all I need are a few biscuits to go with it.” He prised open a round tin, but scowled when he saw it was empty. “Aw, run out. Never mind, I’ll have some more in a jiffy.”

  Globb plodded to a hatch in the kitchen wall. He pressed a button next to the hatch, and Bryony heard a whirring noise from somewhere above.

  “That must be the shaft,” whispered Boney. “The rat told me it’s fitted with a hoist for conveying supplies down to the gaoler’s quarters.”

  Moments later a bell chimed. Globb opened the hatch, and sure enough there was a tray of biscuits inside. Globb picked up the tray, then stomped back to retrieve his teacup before lowering himself into a large wooden chair.

  “So what are waiting for?” hissed Bryony. “Let’s magic ourselves into that shaft and out of this hell hole.”

  “It’s not as simple as that,” advised Boney. “The shaft door is fitted with a magic seal. Only persons carrying the appropriate key can gain access.”

  “You mean Globb?” Bryony studied the reclining pig monster. “I didn’t see him use a key just now.”

  “The key to a magic seal doesn’t have to be key shaped. It can be any object kept upon his person. A button, a badge, an item of jewellery…”

  “Hey.” Bryony had an idea. “What about his nose ring?”

  “That must be it,” agreed Boney. “But we’ll have to wait till he’s asleep before we can take it. Which will be in three minutes precisely.”

  “How do you know?”

  “My rat informant told me that Globb always takes a nap after his tea break. Trolls may be ugly and disgusting, but they are sticklers for routine, which is why they make excellent prison guards. Trust me, Globb will fall asleep as soon as he finishes his biscuits.”